Author's Notes: I've yet to see 'City of Angels' but I like the soundtrack and while listening to it, I found myself thinking how the song 'Iris' could fit Mulder under the right circumstances. This is the result. :-)

Disclaimer: Straight simple and to the point: Mulder and Scully are property of FOX Television, 1013 Productions, Chris Carter, and probably a bunch of other people. If I owned them, I wouldn't need student loans. :-) "Iris" is a song by the Goo Goo Dolls, and appears on the 'City of Angels' soundtrack which is c reprise records.

Mulder had driven home in a daze. He spent the evening sitting on the couch staring blankly at the wall. His stereo played dully in the background, but he paid it little mind. Lights from cars in the street below flickered across the ceiling and walls but he didn't bother to close the blinds.

He couldn't breathe. It felt as if a vise had taken hold of his heart. He didn't know what to feel anymore. He wasn't sure how to feel anymore. After years of knowing emotion, of looking on the world with pools of hazel tinted feeling, everything was black and white. A switch had been thrown and eyes and heart had grown cold. A soft soul once so gifted with compassion, willing to go as far as to even take on another's pain, now lost and confused. A rare jewel, scarred and worn.

The years of lies covering lies had begun to take their toll on Mulder years before. It had been Scully whose presence had brought a light into his darkened existence. Her unquestioned friendship and loyalty had given him cause to hope. Silently he cursed how things had changed. The light he'd grown so dependent upon had begun to fade and pull away. No matter how dark his life had been before, without her he had never felt more alone.

In the dark of his apartment memories played across his photographic memory like a strange home video. Moments spent with the best friend he had ever known. Talking through the night on countless stakeouts. Her hand on his arm when he awoke in Alaska. Looking into her tear filled eyes as he waged a mental battle with Robert Modell to save both of their lives. Holding her trembling form in a hospital hallway after Penny Northern had died and kissing her forehead. Dancing to Cher and any number of other events that highlighted the deepest possible friendship. Only now she wasn't there.

The song on the radio caught his attention enough to break him away from his consuming memories.

***
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow.
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now.
***

The words stirred within him images of his life when Scully had been abducted so long ago. The lengths he'd found himself propelled to just to be able to simply hold her hand again. He recalled how his emotions catapulted from utter despair to elation when she had woken up.

***
And all I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life.
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight.
***

The images in his mind flashed to time spent at Scully's bedside as she lay fighting cancer because of him. How his heart felt lighted by the news that she would escape death once again. Far too soon, however, like the song said, it was over. He hated missing her, yet knew he couldn't force her to come back.

***
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am.
***

He had often been amazed at how Scully seemed to understand him when no one else could, or even bothered to try. Suddenly, the solitary life he had once been accustomed to was too great a burden to bear. He needed her by his side.

***
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Oh the moment the truth in you lies.
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive.
***

Lies, he remembered, had finally driven her away. He had grown distant when he became disillusioned after Samantha had rejected him. He truly had been one sorry son of a bitch. Eventually she'd grown tired enough of his cold shoulder. He saw the signs, but in typical self-absorbed fashion, he didn't pay attention. And so she had left.

***
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am.
***

The song continued to play, and in what had merely been three minutes, Mulder recalled a lifetime's worth of regret. Each word stabbed though to his hardened heart.

***
I just want you to know who I am...
***

The final line of the song echoed through the still apartment. He genuinely longed to correct how he had erred with Scully. Once she had known him, now he wasn't so sure she wanted to. He was sure that he was sorry, for whatever that mattered. Although he was unsure if it wasn't too late. Deciding to try once last time, he stood and grabbed his keys, heading out the door before he could change his mind.

He was brought to a halt by the sight of who was standing in the hallway outside his door. "Scully?" When it looked as if she might turn and leave, he added, "Please, don't go. I was coming to see you."

She paused from where she had turned to go while he was speaking. Something in his voice made her pause. "Mulder, I don't even know why I came."

Closing his eyes, he took a step toward her. "I'm so sorry," he breathed. "Please don't go, I just want you to know who I am. Scully, you need to know how much you mean to me. I know I don't show it the way I should, and I know what an ass I've been. Sometimes I need you to knock me onto my ass and remind me that it's not all about me. It's about us. Please don't leave me." Pausing he licked his lips and continued. Softly he added, "I'm sorry."

"Let's go inside, Mulder." She turned and pushed open the door to his apartment, adding "I'm sorry, too." He watched her back as she walked into his apartment. Not quite daring to hope for everything to be solved, but seeing the light in his life growing brighter against the dark, he followed her inside and closed the door behind them.

fin

• Kalynn's X-Files Fan Fiction
  
• Kalynn's Fan Fiction