Rating: G
Classification: V/H
Keywords: Humor!

Summary: The grand finale of the series (or so I think at the moment). Talking appliances and befuddled humans galore! (This is part seven, following 'Mulder and the Computer' 'Scully and the Coffee Maker' 'Skinner and the Cell Phone' 'Cancerman Versus The Computer' 'Mulder Versus The VCR' 'The Lone Gunmen and the Laptop')

Spoiler: the smallest reference to Chinga you can imagine.
Archive: Okay for Gossamer, others ask first, thanks!

Author's Notes: As surprised as I was this series developed into what it has, I am sorry to see it end. However, all good things must come to an end, so I'd rather end it, for forever or not, while it's still funny that let it drag out. This does not mean, however, that the lovable creatures of the office will remain silenced forever. I continue to appreciate the feedback that all of you have been so kind to send, and it is my hope that you find this a fitting end. Or is it really the end? Afterall, the end is sometimes only the beginning. *evil grin*

Feedback Thank Yous: This is where I said a big thanks to everyone who has written and kept this little psycho series alive. :-) This is for you all of you.

Disclaimer: Straight simple and to the point: Mulder and Scully and Skinner and Cancerman, etc are property of FOX Television, 1013 Productions, Chris Carter, and probably a bunch of other people. If I owned them, I wouldn't need student loans. :-) Let's just say that if it's an inanimate object, and it talks, it's probably mine.

Scully placed her hand over her mouth as she yawned, and forced her eyes to stay open. The night before she had been forced to stay up late waiting on Byers to bring her attache case, and hadn't gotten much sleep as a result. She had barely managed to drag herself out of bed that morning and get ready in time for Mulder to come and pick her up. He had surprised her by actually arriving on time.

Now it was two hours later and he had disappeared off into one of the large filing rooms to research his newest obsession. Mulder had failed, however, to mention to Scully what the new obsession was. Leaning back in her chair, Scully rubbed her eyes wearily.

"Hey, Agent Scully. Michael wrote something for ya!"

Scully's eyes shot open when she heard the familiar voice. "Harry?" She slowly turned and looked over at the computer which sat on her partner's desk.

"And who said women weren't logical?" Harry's smirk carried over into his voice. "Anyway. Mikey here wrote you a poem!"

"Shove it up your floppy drive, Harry!"

Scully turned to face the small coffee maker, shocked at the harsh words coming from the soft-spoken machine. "Michael?!?"

"Sorry, Agent Scully. I didn't mean to upset you," Michael said quietly.

A laugh came from the other side of the room. "Oh, of course not, Mikey. You'd never do anything to upset dear old Dana would you?"

Scully's eyes grew cold as she scanned the room to determine the source of the newest voice. "That's Agent Scully, thank you. Now would you be so nice as to tell me who you are?"

"Oh, that's an easy one. I'm Jerry, better known as the VCR."

"Uh-huh," Scully commented. She had given up on reality the first time she had heard Michael speak. By this point, she was seriously starting to question her mental state. "I need to get out more often," she said, more to herself than to any of the room's other occupants.

"Well, if you're looking for a guy, Scully, we've got the one for you!"

Harry's declaration was quickly followed by Jerry. "That's right. In fact, here's Michael's poem for you!" In his best imitation of Michael's voice, Jerry continued. "Roses are red, Violets are blue. Your smile as bright, As a summer's bloom. Oh how I wish, You could love me too . . ."

The VCR's crude impersonation was interrupted by a startled cry from Leigh. "Jerry! Leave the poor guy alone! You had no right to tell her about that! Either of you! And you made the last part up!"

While Jerry was speaking, Scully had sat there, more in shock than anything. It was a state to which she was becoming accustomed. However, at Leigh's plea, she was startled from her silence. Twisting in her seat, she again found herself trying to identify a voice. "All right, who now?"

"Ah, that's just Leigh." Harry volunteered. "She's your laptop, before you ask," he added after seeing the look on Scully's face. "She would defend Mikey. Seeing as how she's got the hots pretty bad for that computer abusing partner of yours."

"Harry!" Scully and Leigh cried in unison.

Mulder chose that moment to open the office door and walk in. Scully looked up at her partner, and felt her cheeks turning bright red. She couldn't believe she had been caught talking to the office appliances. "Scully?" She knew by the look in his eyes that he knew something had happened.

"What?" Scully asked, brushing her hair away from her face in a nervous gesture. At Mulder's continued look, she tried again. "Are you going to stare at me all day, Mulder?"

Sitting a stack of files down onto his desk, Mulder considered his answer. "They talked to you didn't they?"

"Who's they, Mulder?" She tried to sound as innocent as she could, but knew it had been a poor job. Silently, she couldn't believe Mulder hadn't told her that he had heard them before. Then again, she hadn't fessed up either.

"Don't buy her innocent act, Fox-y," Harry said, again stressing Mulder's first name. Scully's eyes widened at Harry's use of the dreaded first name, and added a y to it no less. Mulder in turn glared at the beige computer. "Oh, I'm just messing with ya, buddy."

"I am not your buddy, Harry." Turning his gaze to his partner, he could tell by the look on her face that a computer speaking hadn't come as quite the shock it should have. "So, Scully, how long have they been tormenting you?"

Scully blinked, realizing that Mulder had seen through her act. "It started two days ago, I think."

Mulder laughed, "Sounds about right. That's when Harry here found it necessary to yank my chain."

"I resent that! You hit me, neanderthal man! And not for the first time I might add!"

"Ha!" Jerry laughed, "Listen to 'em whine, hey Mikey?"

"Shut up, Jer," Harry said. "I'd rather he hit me once in a while rather than force those trash movies on me. At least I stood up for myself! What have you done all these years while Fox-y here subjected us to his infamous Debbie Does . . . collection?"

Even with the harsh tone in Harry's words, Scully found herself unable to control her laughter. "'Worlds Greatest Swarms' indeed, hey, Mulder?" At the sight of Mulder's ears turning a bright shade of pink, Scully started laugh even harder.

"Will you two both shut up?" Mulder said through clenched teeth.

While Scully absent-mindedly wiped tears away from her eyes, still unable to contain her laughter, Leigh intervened on Mulder's behalf. "Why can't you two behave? Just once?"

"It's our charm!" The two machines announced simultaneously.

Michael laughed. "The last defense for the tasteless."

"Way to go, Michael!" Scully cheered in-between convulsions of laughter. For his part, all Mulder could do was stare at the scene unfolding before him. Especially the sight of his normally stoic partner hysterical with laughter to the point of tears.

Somewhat subdued, Harry couldn't help but comment, "There he goes blushing again!"

"That's our Mikey!" Jerry proclaimed, almost proudly.

"Oh brother," Leigh sighed. "They'll never stop now."

Jerry and Harry laughed. "We learned from the best, right Mulder?" Harry asked.

"How is this," he gestured with his arms toward the room in general, "my fault exactly?"

"Ask Debbie," Jerry managed to choke out.

Mulder and Scully were both startled when they heard a knock on the door. Looking up, they saw Assistant Director Skinner standing there and they realized Mulder hadn't closed the door behind him. "Sir." Scully said, getting a grip on her mirth.

"Agent Scully, Mulder." Skinner's calm voice betrayed the confusion his mind was racing with. He had heard the voices when he had walked up to the door. In fact, he had stood there for over a minute before he knocked. Ever since his meeting with Laura, he was unsure what to think of the circumstances in the small basement office.

"Is there something we can help you with, Sir?" Scully's question shook him out of his thoughts.

"Help him?" Harry cried. "He's the one who kidnaped Laura!"

"I didn't kidnap her." Skinner found himself answering before he had any time to think. He realized his error when he saw the shocked looks that both Mulder and Scully were giving him. "That is . . . Uhm, well . . ."

Mulder saved him from floundering anymore than the bewildered assistant director already was. "So you did have my cell phone after all, huh, Sir?"

Skinner nodded his head quickly. "And she spoke to you?" Scully asked, her voice betraying her surprise.

"Yes, Agent Scully, she did. Although it was more along the lines of begging for help."

"Help?" Mulder asked, rather confused.

Skinner took off his glasses, and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "It seems, Agent Mulder, that you have something of a reputation among what she called the cell phone community. That and someone she referred to as Harry was generally driving her insane."

"I resent that!"

Mulder laughed, "Harry, you're starting to sound like an echo. You resent a lot of things don't you?"

"Not funny, Fox-y." The computer was quick to revert back to his nickname for the tall agent. Skinner found himself staring at the computer, he wasn't sure if it was because he still couldn't believe it spoke, or that it managed to call Mulder Foxy and get away with it.

"Watch it, Harry. He could unplug you, you know."

"That's Leigh," Mulder and Scully replied at the same time at Skinner's confused glance. "She's my laptop," Scully finished, almost with a straight face.

"Anyone else I need to know about?" Skinner asked, placing his glasses back on.

"Well, the name's Jerry. I'm the VCR of this dump." At the looks he received from Mulder and Scully, Jerry added. "Pardon me, this grand establishment."

"Jerry, can it."

"Excuse me, Mikey? Were you talking to me?"

Skinner cleared his throat. "Mikey? Wait, you mean Michael? As I recall, Laura seemed rather fond of him. Isn't he a . . ."

"Coffee maker," Mulder finished when Skinner paused in thought.

"How could Laura want him when she could have me?" Harry's voice boomed off the walls. Michael, for his part didn't say anything, he was stunned that the little phone might have liked him.

"Maybe she has taste, Harry," Mulder cracked. Continuing he said, "Anyway, he seems to have something of a crush on Scully." Mulder was nearly beaming with the sly smile he cast at her.

Scully, in turn, cut her eyes at Mulder. "Leave him alone, Mulder. It's not like you don't have your own secret admiration society in here anyway."

"Dana . . ." Leigh hissed.

"I'm guessing you're the guilty party?" Skinner asked, his question pointed toward Leigh.

"Why can't everyone leave me alone?" Leigh cried. "The gnome who pawed me last night was bad enough!"

Mulder laughed, nearly snorting. "The gnome?!? You mean Frohicke?"

Scully's eyes widened. "You mean he went through my stuff?"

"No," Leigh reassured her. "He tried, let me tell you. Talk about copping a feel! However, the tall one, Byers I think it was, managed to get me away from him." Scully sighed in relief, but didn't comment.

Mulder turned to face his boss when he heard him clear his throat. "Oh, yeah. What was it you came down here for again?"

Skinner paused to glance around the room before actually admitting what had brought him down to the basement. "Well, this actually. I was wondering if you had considered a new x file."

Laughing, Mulder pointed over at the pile of folders on his desk. "Already on it, Sir."

"Mulder, what did I tell you about letting people know our little secret?" Harry asked sarcastically.

It was Scully who answered. "Well, I guess that was before your happy little band here chose to start talking to whoever was in earshot."

Looking around at the suddenly overpopulated office, Skinner suggested, "Why don't the two of you come up to my office so we can discuss this without quite so many distractions."

Mulder and Scully both nodded their heads in agreement and turning off the lights, followed the senior agent out of the office and down the hall.

None of them noticed the shadowed figure that stepped into the hallway just as the elevator doors were closing. Pushing open the office door, the man stepped in and quickly closed it behind him. An orange flare cast an eerie light over his face.

"I trust you are going to explain to me just what the hell you thought you were doing talking to all of them, Harry." The man spoke in between puffs on the fast shortening cigarette.

"Ciggy, I thought we had this conversation already . . ." was Harry's insolent reply.

fin

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