Notes: I'm still new to this, so I hope you like it. You might find inaccuracies in my time line, I'm having to work by memory. Two things worth mentioning... One. Nathan is still with the VCTF in my reality. Two. Coop, uh, Coop who? Sorry, I didn't like him enough on the show to write about him now .*g* I've managed to stay up all night working on this because I just couldn't stop, so tell me what you think of this brainstorm okay? Please, I'm close to begging here. :-)

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Cynthia Saunders, Sander/Moses Productions and NBC (anyone else??) They're not mine, I'm just playing with someone else's toys. I promise to return them. Hey, if they *were* mine, Sam and John would already be together... *g*

The dark water reflected the moonlight as he stared across the lapping waves. He was searching for a peace he'd long needed, yet never discovered. His shoes and socks were sitting beside him, half buried in the sand. He was the only one who had ventured onto the beach that night, he still wasn't sure why he had.

That afternoon, he had gotten into his car and drove. With no particular destination in mind, he had somehow found his way to this stretch of deserted beach along the Atlantic. His life had been in a constant state of flux for sometime, it seemed. And John Grant sought out some space to think. Someplace that she couldn't find him.

John and Sam had been becoming better and better friends for some time. He couldn't remember just when she had started to trust him, to care about him. However, he knew it was one of the best things that had ever happened to him. Looking back on their first meeting, he remembered how brash he had acted with her. Although he wouldn't admit it at the time, he had felt something for her even then. Over time, he finally accepted, to some degree, that he was in love with her.

He closed his eyes, exhaling softly. He knew, deep down, why he had ran away from Atlanta. As they grew closer as friends, his love for her only intensified. And those feelings scared the hell out of him. No matter how he looked at it, he could only see his feelings as paths to disaster were she ever to find out.

So this is what unrequited love feels like he thought. Slowly he opened his eyes, leaning back on his elbows he looked up at the stars twinkling in the sky. His mind drifted back to remember his life before she had been in it. True, he'd been satisfied with what he had accomplished and he'd had his share of women. But none of them had ever made him happy just by being with them.

There was nothing he wouldn't do for Sam, nothing. Seeing a shooting star flare overhead, he made a silent wish. That she might look upon him, the way he saw her. He felt the wish was silly, but made it anyway. He laughed softly and whispered, "What the hell, it can't hurt."

John sat there, unmoving, on the beach for a little while longer, only leaving when he knew he had to. Picking up his shoes, he walked to where he had left his car. While he drove back to Atlanta, he did his best to not think about Sam or his feelings for her.

It was dawn when he pulled up in front of his apartment. He went inside to change clothes. John drank practically an entire pot of coffee, trying to stay awake. He knew that he was going to have to work at keeping alert at work. Staying up all night thinking was exhausting. Finally he grabbed his keys and left.

When John arrived at the VCTF offices, he was the first one there. He walked to his desk and sat down to go over some paperwork. Propping his feet up on the desk, he leaned back in the chair and opened the file. He didn't remember falling asleep, but the next thing he knew he felt a hand on his shoulder and heard Sam say his name.

"John?"

He opened his eyes and found himself staring directly into her blue eyes. Startled, he jumped slightly and almost fell off of his chair. John recovered as quickly as he could. He put the file down on top of his desk and blinked several times to clear his eyes. When he looked back up Sam was still standing there with a concerned look on her face.

Seeing that he didn't look too bad she spoke again. "We have a meeting. Are you ready?"

John stood up. "Sure, let's go." He managed a smile, although he was uneasy being around Sam all of a sudden. He followed her to the main room where the rest of the team was also arriving. Each took their seat and waited on Bailey to begin. The caseload was light by VCTF standards and the meeting ended relatively quickly.

The first chance he had, John disappeared from the group of talking agents. Nathan saw him leave and followed him after he finished talking to George. Nathan found John slouched in a chair in the cafeteria. When he walked over to where he was sitting, John didn't move. Nathan sat down next to him and waited a minute before he spoke.

"John, what's wrong?"

John glanced over at his best friend and considered not telling him, but figured what the hell. "I was just up all night, that's all."

Shaking his head, Nathan replied. "Uh, uh. You're not getting off that easy. You've been acting distracted for a while now. Come to think of it, it's usually when Sam's around. Are you finally going to admit how you feel about her?"

John had been staring at him with something akin to puppy dog eyes until the last part. When he had asked about his feelings for Sam, well, that had earned Nathan a started glance to say the least. Visibly shaken, John conceded the point. "Yeah, something like that. Yesterday, I don't know, I had to get away from here. The next thing I know, I'm sitting on a beach near Savannah." He continued for a little while, detailing everything he had been thinking about the night before. "It doesn't matter anyway," he added. "It's not like the feelings are mutual. I don't want to ruin the friendship we've finally managed."

Nathan just looked at John for a moment after he stopped speaking. He had known of John's feelings for Sam for a while, but unlike John, Nathan was pretty sure he had seen similar signs coming from Sam as well. "You have to tell her, bud. It'll eat you up inside if you don't."

"Damn it, Nathan. I cannot just go up to her and declare that I'm in love with her." John had stood and started pacing restlessly. "I can't."

"You can," he said, placing his hand on John's shoulder to calm him. "You have to."

Looking Nathan in the eye he said, "No. I need to." Before he lost his sudden nerve, John started walking to Sam's office.

When he reached her office, the door was slightly open and she was sitting at her desk. Her head was bent over a file and she absent-mindedly brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. He knocked on the door softly so as to not startle her. She looked up and when she saw him, waved him into her office.

John pulled the door closed behind him and moved to sit down on the corner of her desk, but opted for the couch instead. She watched him and could see the uncertainty mixed with determination on his face. Leaning back in her chair she waited on him to speak.

"Sam, I... I wanted to tell you something." He paused, losing his nerve for a moment.

"Yes?" Sam asked. "What do you want to tell me?" She was quickly becoming nervous about the way he was acting. Being nervous was definitely not like John.

Finally he looked up into her eyes and found the motivation to speak. "I shouldn't tell you probably, you probably won't want to know. Hell, I may regret it the minute I do say it, but I have to."

"John, stop rambling. Just tell me what you need to, I won't get upset." Inside, her concern was growing greater. She was beginning to think she knew what he was going to say, and she didn't know how to react.

"I love you," he whispered, looking down at the carpet.

She blinked slowly, but barely remembered to breathe. One part of her was wanting to jump up and down and scream he loves me! Another part, however, was telling her how it could never work, no matter how much she would like for it to. It was this part, because of Jack, that determined her course of action.

"John," she began, "I'm flattered, but..." She wasn't able to finish before John stood up and started to walk out of her office. She barely heard a muttered apology before she interrupted him. "John, don't you dare walk out of that door. Not until I explain."

When he turned to look at her the pain in his eyes was almost enough to make her reconsider her deception. Almost. The idea of Jack hurting John because she revealed that she loved him too was too much for her. Sam would rather live with him as only a friend, than without him as a lost love.

"What's there to explain?" His voice was husky, betraying his barely concealed emotions. His eyes looked everywhere but at her.

Sam walked across the office to stand in front of him, forcing him to look at her. "Come on, sit down." She took his hand and led him back to the couch where they both sat in silence for a minute. "John, it's not that I don't care about you. You're one of my best friends, I would never want to hurt you. And I'm not upset that you told me, you mean the world to me. I just can't love you like that." Silently she prayed that he would forgive her this lie.

He nodded his head slightly, but remained silent. After a moment, he stood and said he had to go. Sam watched as he left, her mind whirling. Seeing that he had sat back down at his desk, she closed the blinds on the window and sunk down into the couch. Silent tears began to course down her cheeks as she thought about what she had just done. She had consciously broken not one heart but two. Again, she hoped that if John were to ever learn of her deception that he would forgive her. This was something she had to do, she had to do it for him.

She was broken out of her thoughts when there was a knock on her door and Bailey peeked inside. "Sam, I needed..." When he saw the traces of the tears on her face he pulled the door shut behind him and moved to sit beside her. "What's wrong?" He asked softly.

Sam wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. She didn't know if she should talk to Bailey about her problem with John or not. He was like such a father figure to her, eventually she decided to tell him. Sniffing, she finally found the strength to speak.

"I love John," she stated bluntly. It was the only way she knew to say it without being able to chicken out later. Bailey's reaction was one of slight shock, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he'd already known that.

"But why are you upset?"

Sam looked up, glancing around the office before she looked at Bailey. "Because I can't allow myself to love him. I've fought it for a while now. I thought I was safe, that he didn't love me too. Bailey, he just told me that he does. I love him and he loves me, but when he told me I lied to him. I told him that I couldn't love him." She searched his eyes with her own, seeking the reprimand she felt she deserved.

Instead compassion filled the depths of his eyes. He knew why she felt she had to hide her feelings. The reason had a name, and it was Jack. "Sam, I don't doubt your intentions. And neither would John if he knew. However, you shouldn't deny John or yourself of something that could really mean something."

Sam lowered her head, staring at the material on the couch. "I can't," she whispered. "I can't risk Jack coming after him. I don't know if I could go through that again."

"Sam, look at me." Gently he raised her face with his hand under her chin to where she could look him in the eye. "It's obvious how much the two of you care for one another. You can't just give up on that. That just means that Jack wins."

Standing she announced, "Then for once I let him win. I won't let him take John from me, too."

"Sam..."

"No, Bailey. I may love him, I may continue to love him, but he will never know." With that and one last look at the lady before him, Bailey started to leave her office. "Wait, didn't you need to ask me something?"

"Nothing that can't wait, Sam. It's time to go home now anyway. Why don't you go spend some time with Chloe?"

"Yeah, that sounds like just what I need," she said, smiling faintly. However, as Bailey left he noticed that the smile didn't reach her eyes.

When Sam left she noted that John was already gone. She hated what she had done, but it had to be this way. Shaking her head slightly, she went home.

John had left about fifteen minutes before Sam had come out of her office. Ever since he had left her office earlier, he felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. It was all he could do to sit at his desk and pretend to act interested in some paperwork.

So he drove home. That evening he spent hours sitting in his darkened apartment regretting his decision to tell her how he felt. He believed that there was no way she could ever love him, yet he had risked telling her anyway. So he sat in the dark feeling somewhat sorry for himself, and worrying about how he would ever face her again.

In fact, they both spent most of the evening regretting all or part of what they had said that afternoon. He wished he hadn't put her on the spot, making her uncomfortable with his feelings. She wished she hadn't lied, or that she hadn't been forced to lie. Each lay in bed for long hours before sleep finally overtook them.

The next few days at work saw the two of them being professionally polite, but something was missing. Both Sam and John saw the space growing between them, and each thought it was their fault. Bailey took in the scene with concern. He hated what he knew they were both going through, no matter how normal they tried to act.

A few days later Sam finally confronted John about the increasing distance forming in their once close friendship. She called him into her office and shut the door so they could have some semblance of privacy.

"John, I wanted to talk to you... About what's happened since we talked that afternoon." Sam spoke carefully, she didn't want to make him angry.

Meanwhile, John was busy looking at anything he could find but her. He felt that she was finally going to let him have it for dumping his feelings on her. "It's nothing, Sam."

She sat down beside him. "Then why won't you look at me?" He finally forced himself to look her in the eye and she continued. "I hate how we seem to be pulling away from each other. I don't want to lose you, I told you that before."

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

Startled, she asked, "for what?"

He began to pace when he started talking. "I should never have told you. It wasn't fair of me to dump my feelings onto you. I was pretty sure you didn't feel the same way, but I did it anyway."

Sam was in shock. The hurt in his voice, along with him telling her he was sorry he bothered her by telling her he loved her, was almost enough to make her admit the truth. That she felt the same way. Still she held back. Instead, she repeated, "I don't want to lose you, John."

His restlessness temporarily abated he sat back down. "Sam, there is nothing I wouldn't do for you," he said, remembering his thought from the night he spent at the beach. "I don't plan to go anywhere."

"Good."

A week passed. Sam and John seemed to find a balance in their friendship. They didn't avoid each other, but it was still awkward. In the interim the team had been working on a case of a serial killer that shot his victim, then hung around to shoot one member of the officers that arrived. On three separate occasions after a body was found, one of the officers at the scene would be shot. It was as if the bodies were merely bait. His pattern never changed, and they couldn't find where he was shooting from. They knew he was close by, but even when searching after first arriving had yet to apprehend the shooter.

When the newest call came in, Bailey, Grace, Sam and John rushed to the scene. They were among the first there because many of the local police were searching nearby for the suspected shooter. Bailey went with Grace to take care of the body. A moment or two later something caught John's attention out of the corner of his eye. Sam was off to the side of the body examining something while John looked around the immediate area when he saw sunlight reflecting off of something metallic a little way away.

When he realized what he was seeing he began to run. John barely had time to yell at Sam to get down and jump to cover her when he heard the shot.

Sam looked up quickly when she heard John's warning, but she couldn't assess exactly what was happening before he knocked her to the ground and she heard the gun shot. Bailey and Grace came running and reached her side as she was trying to get John to move. However, his eyes were closed and his side was turning red with blood.

Bailey and Grace helped Sam place John down on the ground. Bailey called for medical assistance while Grace looked at the wound. Sam, however, was rooted in her place on the ground beside John's still figure. Her mind was running ninety miles an hour. Somewhere off in the distance she heard a man yell that they had captured the shooter, but all that mattered to her at the moment was the man in front of her.

Pulling his head into her lap, Sam began to talk to him. "Wake up, John. Damn it, don't do this to me. Wake up, let me see your eyes." Grace watched in silence as tears streamed down Sam's dust covered face while she pleaded with John to wake up. "Please," she whispered amidst a broken sob.

John gasped slightly, opening his eyes to look up at Sam. "You really could be an angel, you know." His words were slow and carefully spoken.

Sam only cried harder, saying "Why? Why did you do it?" She was rubbing his hair and wishing the ambulance would get there.

His breathing was becoming broken as he said, "Told you... There's nothing... I wouldn't do... for you." His eyes slid shut.

Sam was nearly frantic. Her mind was reeling. She couldn't lose him now. In fear of Jack she'd denied her feelings for him. She had broken both their hearts with her lie. And now here she was, maybe losing him anyway and it had nothing to do with Jack.

"No, damn it. I'm not letting you go that easily John Grant. You promised you wouldn't go anywhere." Her voice was becoming harder and harder to hear. Grace could hear the ambulance approaching, but paid it little mind for the moment. As she stood watching Sam's agony over John, her own tears flowed unabated. "Listen to me, I love you, John." Sam's whisper was also a plea. To John, to God, to anyone who might hear it and give her the chance to right the wrong she'd committed with her original lie.

Sam thought she was imagining things when she heard John's whispered voice. "You love me?" His voice was full of disbelief. Before she could respond his face contorted in pain and he slipped unconscious. The EMT's ran up to them and prepared John for the trip to the hospital. Grace pulled Sam away and into a hug, comforting her as she cried watching John being carried away.

"Oh God, what have I done?" She asked mournfully as the ambulance pulled away.

Sam spent an agonizing night waiting for John's condition to improve. He was listed as serious, but stable and expected to make a full recovery. Grace and Bailey alternated sitting with her until she was finally allowed to see John. Both before and after her brief visit to his room, Sam berated herself with guilt about her actions.

Finally she saw that she couldn't let fear of the unknown, even of Jack, stop her from taking a chance on love. The day had proven to her that she could lose John at any time, in any number of situations. All of a sudden, she realized that Jack wasn't the sole issue. When faced with having John ripped from her life, not knowing how she felt, she realized the depth of her feelings for him. It was then that she knew she had to stop being selfish. He loved her, and she knew he wished she would let him love her. She also knew she wanted the same thing.

After the lies, if he could forgive her, then there was nothing that would stand between them.

Sam was sitting by John's bedside when he opened his eyes. By the time his eyes looked into hers, tears filled her eyes and threatened to spill over. He looked at her, confusion showing on his face, and managed to whisper "What's wrong?"

Hearing his voice, she smiled. "Nothing, now."

Both remained silent for a few minutes and John began to fear he had dreamt Sam telling him she loved him when she finally spoke. "Can you forgive me?" Her blue eyes searched his, and she sat very still awaiting his answer.

"Why? For what?"

She closed her eyes for a moment, steeling herself to admit her deception. "For lying to you. I told you that I couldn't love you, and because of that I hurt us both. I do love you, I've been in love with you for a long time now."

"Sam," he interrupted, but she silenced him by gently placing her hand over his mouth.

"Let me finish, I need to do this okay? I was so afraid of how much it would hurt if I lost you to Jack... I never stopped to consider anything else. Yesterday you opened my eyes. No matter the threat, if you can still love me, I'm here."

Her gaze was aimed at the floor, not wanting to see what might reside in John's eyes. "Sam, look at me," he whispered. She looked up into his eyes and within them found nothing but caring. "I never stopped loving you for a moment. You don't have to be afraid for me, or us."

She took his hand, and sniffing, said, "You're here with me. There's nothing I fear that we can't handle, right?"

Both were smiling when he replied, "Right."

She leaned down to give him a gentle kiss, afterward she whispered, "I love you."

John looked into her eyes as she pulled away. "And I love you all the more for it."

fin