Note/Warning: This ain't 'happy believer fic' this is more like 'real life butts into believer fic' May not be everyone's cup of tea. And I still say it's all Collin Raye's fault. His latest song is great.

Another note: This does NOT follow "Regrets". It is not a part of that line.

Feedback: Just don't roast me alive . . . *g* my beta's already threatened me *looks at glenna* ;)

Notes: I keep getting weird story ideas. . . And considering I was trying to work on a TPM fic and this happened . . . My muse is just jerking my chain *g*

Disclaimer: Not my players. Just my playground. :-)

I never imagined that it would end like this. Not after how long it took us to finally admit to one another how we felt. I fought him for so long. For so many years I refused to see what was right in front of me for the fear behind me. Yet still, somehow, we found one another. And it was everything I wanted or needed.

Isn't that kind of love supposed to last forever?

We lead dangerous lives. Our careers all but invite trouble. I think a part of me always worried that one day he simply wouldn't be there that night, that I would hold him in my arms as his life bled out around me.

But that isn't how it happened. In the end, love wasn't enough. It wasn't death that stole us from one another. We did it to ourselves. Or maybe I did enough for both of us.

Sitting in my car, hands on the wheel and Chloe asleep in the seat next to me, I stare at the house for a long moment. The front window is lit and the door is open. He's standing there, leaned against the jamb, simply watching us.

He looks sad and a lance of guilt stabs through me. It's too late to change anything now. All the opinions have been said, the arguments had. Starting the car, my hands shaking, I realize it's finally over. Over. Done. I can only wonder how we got here.

Backing out of the driveway, I do my best not to look at him standing there. Whatever's gone wrong . . . I'm tired of being the one that hurts him. I've grown wary of looking into his eyes and seeing crushed hope. It wasn't what we were supposed to be. We were going to be different. More. Better.

This isn't what he deserves to have.

So I'm leaving. Ducking away in the night and dreading the questions I'll have to answer from Chloe in the morning. But it was my idea to leave tonight. Leave and return tomorrow evening to an empty house -- one that he isn't in.

I'm not sure who I think I'm sparing more pain by going to visit Grace tonight, me or him. If I were to think about it honestly, I'd admit that I'm being selfish. I don't want to have to face those haunted blue eyes anymore. Just one more time in my life I'm running away.

Turning off of the street we live on, I can just see the house in the rearview mirror. The lights are still on, the door is still open. As if he's hoping I'll turn around. I ignore the part of me that wants nothing more than to do just that.

The house has just faded from sight when the first tears begin to fall. Why is doing the right thing so hard? And it is the right thing I'm doing. I think. Maybe.

The doubts and questions begin to tear at me. But even still, I know this can't go on like this. It's not fair -- to either of us. He should have someone that loves him completely, without lack or question. I want him to have someone that loves him.

I wish that person was me, but it isn't -- at least not right now. Maybe someday . . . I shake my head. It isn't someday, there may never be a someday. Why does everything have to change so much?

I don't think I love him anymore.

End