Imagine: A glade in an ancient gnarly forest, the forest’s floor covered in waist high bracken, tree trunks thick with moss and branches heavy with lichen. The moon is full on the cloudless night sky, but its eerie light only helps to make the shadows of the forest more menacing. In the middle of the glade a huge bonfire, and on a log close by the fire sits a huge troll. He is gnawing on the bones of an unfortunate knight. His skin is like the bark of an ancient tree, and his hair and beard like thick moss. Around him are strewn pieces of broken and bloodied armour. Picking his teeth with a thighbone he reaches out with one hand and grabs a barrel of mead, and empties it in one draught. A slight sound behind him makes him look around, his eyes like burning coals straight out of the deepest pit of hell in the flickering light.
A flaxen haired buxom young princess is tied to a tree with heavy coils of coarse rope. She has spent her strength, struggling against her bonds, in vain screaming for help in the silently brooding forest, and now she hangs, almost limp but also rigid with fear, in her unyielding hempen shackles. She looks up as if she has felt the troll’s eyes upon her.
– I pray good Sir Troll, she says, voice trembling, please release me so that I can return to the fair castle Glenmorran and my beloved parents. I assure thee, good Sir Troll, that my father, king Asker, will gladly pay thee the sum of no less one-thousand gold pieces at my safe return. Her big blue eyes probe the troll’s ugly face for any signs of compassion, tears swelling in her eyes, rolling slowly, almost hesitantly down her pale freckled cheeks.
The troll laughs out loud, his fetid breath and drum like laughter washing over the poor maiden, assaulting her already battered senses.
– Naw, Lugh ain’t gonna give princess back, he rumbles, gonna eat ya fer afters. B’sides, Lugh ‘ave all the gold Lugh need.
At this the poor princess momentarily faints, and the troll turns back to his meal, savouring each piece of hapless knight, thinking of how tender the meat of the princess must be.
Then: Into the flickering circle of light step three heroes. The first is a young knight, clad in silvery armour of chain and plate, and by its colour it cannot be made out of any other metal than the mythical mithril, and on his head a golden helmet made in the likeness of a snarling dragon. His surcoat and shield are both azure and emblazoned with a rampant unicorn with a blood red horn. In his hand he holds a sword of great beauty, long, slender and lethal, glowing eerily with a blue light, the runes on the blade the colour of white-hot steel.
Second comes and elf, lithe and fleeting like a shadow, there is no telling exactly when he arrives, suddenly he is there. He is clad all in green and brown, the colours of the forest, although a slight glimmer of metal from under his cloak reveals that he wears armour. A proud face, surrounded by bluish hair held in place by a golden circlet with a big flawless ruby in the centre of his forehead. His pale green eyes is constantly vigilantly surveying the surrounding forest, and his pointed ears listening for any sounds of danger. In his hand he carries a curved elven longbow and on his back a large quiver full of deadly arrows with red and white fletches, one arrow held at the ready at the bow’s string.
After him, the oldest of the heroes, a big white beard protrudes from under a burgundy, broad brimmed, pointed wizards’ hat. Around his girth a heavy leather belt with several pouches, otherwise he is only clad in a simple dark blue robe. He leans on a heavy staff, as tall as a man it is covered in arcane symbols and mystical runes. A large gem at the end of the staff emits a faint orange light, and now and then a spark flies away, to fade within a few moments.
– HA! We have found you, you foul fiend and servant of forces most malicious, the young knight says triumphantly, glory in his voice, release yonder fair princess, and I and my companions will not slay thee, hideous beast.
The troll rises, he is least thrice the height of the heroes, and he looks most perturbed.
– Duh?
The elf sighs heavily.
– What blabbermouth was saying was, give us the girl and we won’t kill you, you ugly evil troll. He looks at the wizard for conformation and gets a quick nod of approval.
– Uuh! the troll thinks, ‘ho are ya, an’ waddaya want? Eyes blazing with anger.
The knight takes a step forward, holding his head high.
– I, he proclaims proudly, am Reiderik, Knight of the Realms, protector of the weak and innocent and Champion of Justice. Raising his sword, that now glows even brighter, so strong that it makes the troll blink. – And this is the renowned sword, Vanduril or Trolls’-bane, forged a thousand years ago in the smithies of the elven Lords of Eawon. Gesturing towards his companions he continues, somewhat subdued. – This is the elf Cuchullain, troll slayer and sworn enemy to your, the foulest of kin, and the mighty wizard Norm, Master and Lord of the Four Elements.
His companions, looking sheepish, give a short wave, a few sparkles fly erratically from the wizard’s staff, and then they look at each other shaking their heads slowly.
– We are here to rescue the fair princess Gwendolyn, the knight continues in a loud voice, and we will slay whomever or whatever interferes with our pledge. In return the King has promised us a bounteous reward. One thousand pieces of gold each for the elf and the wizard, and the princess’ hand in marriage and half the Kingdom for me.
The troll look enquiringly at the elf.
– We’re here to get the princess, translates the elf, and if you try to stop us, we’ll kill you. And if we succeed Sir Speakalot here get to marry the princess.
– Lugh like pretty princess, no leggo, the troll answers, Lugh pay little ones to go away.
– Never! Exclaims the knight, but before he can continue the wizard interrupts him.
– How much? He asks in an innocent voice, just asking, you know… hypothetically.
The troll smiles toothily, showing off all of his foot long yellow fangs, recognizing the greed in the wizard’s voice. He shrugs and walks over to a huge boulder that he lifts with some effort, revealing a large hole in the ground. Putting the boulder aside he bends down and brings up a large sack that he throws at the amazed adventurers’ feet with the clink of many coins. With a guarded look at the troll the elf bends down and look inside.
– Oh ye Gods! He says breathlessly, it’s going to be at least twenty thousand in gold. He looks at his two companions. – I say we take the money and go somewhere where we can spend them. I’ve heard that Huon is very nice this time of the year.
– Twenty thousand, says the wizard incredulously, let me have a look! He almost manhandles the elf to get a peek inside the sack. He falls to his knees, mouth agape. – I’ve never in my life seen so much money, he says with conviction. – I’m with the elf, let’s take loot and leave the princess! Resolve in his voice.
– But we can’t leave the princess with the troll, almost begs the knight, who knows for what foul and perverted purposes he has captured her? He might... the knight looks stricken, unable to continue. He turns to the troll. – What are you going to do to the princess? He asks with horror, you’re not going to...? Again he is unable to finish the sentence.
– Lugh gonna cook ‘er an’ eat ‘er, the troll explains patiently as if to a child, Lugh like princess, only white meat, knight to much dark meat.
– Oh says the elf, he’s only going to eat her. No biggie. He kneels and fills his pouches and backpack with glimmering gold. – I can live with that!
– Absolutely, agrees the wizard standing up with difficulty, his backpack heavy with gold. – Lets go! He adds impatiently to the knight.
– But...but..., chocked the poor knight stammers.
The elf and the wizard each take one of his arms and lead him out of the glade, speaking soothingly to him. He walks like a sleepwalker, staring blankly straight ahead. The troll looks after them for a while. Then he return to his log and within minutes he has forgotten all about the adventurers and his mind is fully occupied on how to prepare the princess.
A few hours later, the three stalwart heroes walk through the forest. It is silent; all the forest’s animals have taken refuge in burrows and hollows, or are looking warily from secure places at the strange and noisy intruders.
– Maybe we should have rescued her, says the knight, we did promise the king. Looking troubled, doubt prominent in his voice.
– Are you kidding? Almost screams the wizard, did you see the size of that troll? We could all have been killed, and I for one have been working very hard to become what I am.
– I agree, the elf says, besides we got lots more money from the troll than the king promised us.
– But… the knight hesitates, you know, the princess and half the kingdom and all that, he promised me.
The wizard put his arm around the young knight’s broad shoulders.
– Aaah, you’re too young to settle down, his voice heavy with persuasion, you, the elf, and me, we still have lots more adventuring to do before we settle down. Being a family man would only bore you.
– Yeah! Concurs the elf and then in a booming voice, to boldly go where no man has gone before, that’s more our style. He grins impishly.
The wizard laughs.
– Remember, he chuckles, today is the first day of the rest of your life.
The knight smiles broadly.
– Right! He says, and there’s always Heidi, you know the new serving wench down at the Pig’s Head, measuring with his hands much to the delight of his friends, you know the one with big...
The sound of conversation fades away as the three friends disappear behind some trees, the forest returns to its former ancient tranquillity, the disturbance gone and long since fortgotten.
THE END