you have stumbled upon the last resort i have to any kind of hope to vent who i am
as communication fails me so too does any kind of public blog or journal or anything else
and so i have this
if you know me well enough to have stumbled here there is not much for you to see
this is a disjointed page of crap that goes through my mind on a day to day basis - things that if you read you'd better fucking respect
i keep my silences now
now and forever
people complain i talk too much and then complain i say nothing
so i talk a lot, but i will say nothing
none of you want to hear it
you say you do. you always say you do. tell us what you're feeling and stop bottling it up inside.
you forget. i tried it once. i spoke my mind. i spoke my heart. i opened my soul to people in an effort to make them understand what i am, what i'm capable of and why i hold my silence
laughter
ridicule
finding something i might be good at
yes.. I know. you've heard it all before
does that mean it's changed?
no
i still hear it
as much as i keep telling myself people seem to think i'm worth something
i still hear it
stupid
lazy
worthless
it will never really go away
particularly when you all reinforce it so well
yeah you
you tell me that i'm a wonderful person but behind my back you converse with each other on how terrible i am at communicating, how bad i am at talking to others and telling people what's on my mind
meanwhile when you do get something out of me it's dismissed and you tell me that it's not what you want to hear
you know what? i am worthless. i'm worthless to me. maybe not to others, but i'm worthless to me
and there are days i long to be somewhere else
somewhere no one can follow me
somewhere that no one can touch me
somewhere that i can't hurt anyone
somewhere that no one can hurt me
somewhere where i have a place and a purpose
because clearly the purpose i thought i was put here for isn't
and now everything i knew and have done with my life till now is forfeit
oh you think i don't want to die anymore. you think i'm stronger than that. all of you
yeah think again
but what are you going to do?
tell me not to?
why?
because i would be a coward for doing it
because people would be sad i did it
... why?
i keep seeing things contrary to what you all say
you want to hear me talk about me
and then you tell me to shut up because what i say isn't true
why don't you try telling me what you actually think of me and not what you think i want to hear
to be honest i don't think it would matter
it wouldn't matter if i did want to die and did want to just let myself go
three people have already said it to me now
i'm already dead inside
i'm just an empty shell