Funnybeer

PUBS

(drunk while written)

-explains the philosophising-

THE PUB

Pubs are the churches of the blokes life, except of course we don't just go into them for weddings and funerals and you dont have to kneel down quite so often. To us, they are nevertheless places of worship and quiet contemplation where you can go to escape the stresses and strains of daily life and have exactly the same argument with your mates as the last time you went there.

However, like all things spiritual, the pub is coming under attack from misguided modernisers and people with marketing degrees from universities, who want to turn them into clean, comfortable "lesiure enviroments" that appeal to everyone.... including women and children. This though laudable in some ways (a few more tarts anywhere never goes amiss) its entirely missguided in others. Blokes simply dont want to do their drinking in continental style cafes with wicker chairs and celion dion on the sound system. NO! We want our pubs as dark, dirty and depressing as possible. so you can cheer yourself up on 12 pints of falling over liquid!

THE LANDLORD

Variously known as the licensee, mein furher and the fat drunken bastard with terminal halistosis, the landlord is the heart in which the life blood of any drinking establishment flows. In a trade that's essentially remained unchanged since medieval times, his task is to discharge the ancient rites fo roadside hospitality and fulfil such important powers and responsibilities as providing hearty vitals for weary travellers and taking sole charge of the volume control when wales play england in the six nations.

Bearing this in mind, it's not suprising to find that many blokes will do almost anything (some blokes will go futher than others) to get on the right side of their landlord. Buy him drinks, laugh at his jokes, fetch their on glasses from the table etc.... This is fine as a damage limitation exercise but can be a bad idea if you think that for one moment that doing any of it will mean that your landlord will like you as a result.

This is whats known as regulars fallacy, the curious belief that because you've sat on your arse at the same bar for donkey's years drinking down the family fortune, that you've somehow got a say in the running of the place. THIS IS NOT TRUE and if you ever hear youself uttering such phrases as "you know what you should do george" or "no not another kiwi barmaid" you should seek psychiatric help immediately.

Still you've got say something to your landlord as he's pouring the slops straight into your glass, so here's a handy list!

5 GOOD THINGS TO SAY:

1)Oh..... and have one for yourself

2)No, i dont mind coins.....

3)Yeah bastard Belgians telling US what flavour crisps we can eat

4)I hear the new bloke at the Dog & Parrot's a total loser

5)NO, a dirty glass with a chiped handle is fine.

5 BAD THINGS TO SAY:

1)HOW MUCH!!!!!??????

2)Can you change a fifty?

3)No, actually the european community is good for britain.

4)I saw this cracking bird in the Dog & Parrot last night!

5)No. I think i did say i wanted a straight glass.

THE ROUND

Let's face it buying a round is a pretty wierd thing to do. After all, where else in lfe do you take it upon yourself to make an open ended, unconditional commitment to pay for something that other people (often complete strangers) might want? Do you walk into shoe shops or supermarkets and say "right who's having what"? NO you do not. And yet this is precisely what pub ethics requires you to do.

As a general rule this is alright and even if you don't come out even on any one visit, a long memory and severe shortage of other friends will usually see you right in the end. Sometimes though, due to unforeseen financial problems or the fact you're drinking with people you dont really like, you might feel less inclined to follow the noble path. To do this properly and not get labelled a tight wad for life is important you learn how to avoid bying an expensive round.

1)Always offer to buy the first round. Though it sounds crazy, statistics prove that it's generally the cheapest. This doesnt apply to tarts as they usually start off with a large baileys then switch to diet coke.

2)Sit facing the door so you can see your drinking pals coming. This way you can down your pint and get them to buy you another before announcing you have to get back to set the timer on your video.

3)If cornered with a large school of heavy hitters gradually the topic of obesity and/or impaired sexual performance into the conversation. By the time your round comes, for some mysterious reason everyone will be on lime juice and soda.

4)Attempt to buy the last round. This requires sound timing so dont get too pissed first. Wait till the last orders bell to ring, begin a mid length amusing anecdote, finish it then leap to your feet screaming "my shout". By the time you actually get to the bar you should by late enough to ensure failure but not so late that everyone doesn't think you haven't tried. Works a treat everytime ;)

THE IDEAL PUB

DARTBOARD - Made of horse hair so only the most determined and skillfull arrows find their mark. Scoring should be by chalk board only to encourage arithmetic skills (tip, take a fucking calculator).

PUB FOOD - The same selection to be kept in large plastic dome until sold or declared unfit for human consumption. Selection to include at least one cornbeef sandwich, one shrunken scotch egg and two sausage rolls with mould on them.

NO MAN'S LAND (SPACE BETWEEN CHAIRS AND BAR) - Sacred space for harmless scrapping, dancing and acting out dramatic bits of long pointless stories.

WOBBLY BROWN CIRCULAR TABLE - Ideally this should be too small for more than one person to sit at in any comfort.

UMCOMFORTABLE STOOLS - No not chronic runs! Chronic back pain! Its the ideal climax to any half decent night in the pub.

BEER MATS - A random selection spanning at least two decades. Though all of them should include entry to a big prize competition that closed at least four years ago.

SET OF LITTLE BRASS BELLS - Balancing precarioulsy on edge of picture rail.

POSTERS - Included two faded shots of Norwegian fjords and an advert for a regional talent contest that never happened.

CLOCK - Running at least 10 minutes fast so theres always time for one more pint.

BAR - Either covered in ancient, foul smelling berr mats or ancient, foul smelling stains. In the real pub there should be little or no acutal space to rest your pint in.

REGULARS - To be greeted strictly on nodding terms only, though at chrimbo "alright" is sometimes permitted.

HARP ICE BUCKET - Filled with mainly cold water and with what look suspiciously like fag ash.

CARPET - Preferably marked with more cigarette burns than a sadomasochists convention.

BACK TO SITE INDEX

PUBS

(drunk while written)

-explains the philosophising-

THE PUB

Pubs are the churches of the blokes life, except of course we don't just go into them for weddings and funerals and you dont have to kneel down quite so often. To us, they are nevertheless places of worship and quiet contemplation where you can go to escape the stresses and strains of daily life and have exactly the same argument with your mates as the last time you went there.

However, like all things spiritual, the pub is coming under attack from misguided modernisers and people with marketing degrees from universities, who want to turn them into clean, comfortable "lesiure enviroments" that appeal to everyone.... including women and children. This though laudable in some ways (a few more tarts anywhere never goes amiss) its entirely missguided in others. Blokes simply dont want to do their drinking in continental style cafes with wicker chairs and celion dion on the sound system. NO! We want our pubs as dark, dirty and depressing as possible. so you can cheer yourself up on 12 pints of falling over liquid!

THE LANDLORD

Variously known as the licensee, mein furher and the fat drunken bastard with terminal halistosis, the landlord is the heart in which the life blood of any drinking establishment flows. In a trade that's essentially remained unchanged since medieval times, his task is to discharge the ancient rites fo roadside hospitality and fulfil such important powers and responsibilities as providing hearty vitals for weary travellers and taking sole charge of the volume control when wales play england in the six nations.

Bearing this in mind, it's not suprising to find that many blokes will do almost anything (some blokes will go futher than others) to get on the right side of their landlord. Buy him drinks, laugh at his jokes, fetch their on glasses from the table etc.... This is fine as a damage limitation exercise but can be a bad idea if you think that for one moment that doing any of it will mean that your landlord will like you as a result.

This is whats known as regulars fallacy, the curious belief that because you've sat on your arse at the same bar for donkey's years drinking down the family fortune, that you've somehow got a say in the running of the place. THIS IS NOT TRUE and if you ever hear youself uttering such phrases as "you know what you should do george" or "no not another kiwi barmaid" you should seek psychiatric help immediately.

Still you've got say something to your landlord as he's pouring the slops straight into your glass, so here's a handy list!

5 GOOD THINGS TO SAY:

1)Oh..... and have one for yourself

2)No, i dont mind coins.....

3)Yeah bastard Belgians telling US what flavour crisps we can eat

4)I hear the new bloke at the Dog & Parrot's a total loser

5)NO, a dirty glass with a chiped handle is fine.

5 BAD THINGS TO SAY:

1)HOW MUCH!!!!!??????

2)Can you change a fifty?

3)No, actually the european community is good for britain.

4)I saw this cracking bird in the Dog & Parrot last night!

5)No. I think i did say i wanted a straight glass.

THE ROUND

Let's face it buying a round is a pretty wierd thing to do. After all, where else in lfe do you take it upon yourself to make an open ended, unconditional commitment to pay for something that other people (often complete strangers) might want? Do you walk into shoe shops or supermarkets and say "right who's having what"? NO you do not. And yet this is precisely what pub ethics requires you to do.

As a general rule this is alright and even if you don't come out even on any one visit, a long memory and severe shortage of other friends will usually see you right in the end. Sometimes though, due to unforeseen financial problems or the fact you're drinking with people you dont really like, you might feel less inclined to follow the noble path. To do this properly and not get labelled a tight wad for life is important you learn how to avoid bying an expensive round.

1)Always offer to buy the first round. Though it sounds crazy, statistics prove that it's generally the cheapest. This doesnt apply to tarts as they usually start off with a large baileys then switch to diet coke.

2)Sit facing the door so you can see your drinking pals coming. This way you can down your pint and get them to buy you another before announcing you have to get back to set the timer on your video.

3)If cornered with a large school of heavy hitters gradually the topic of obesity and/or impaired sexual performance into the conversation. By the time your round comes, for some mysterious reason everyone will be on lime juice and soda.

4)Attempt to buy the last round. This requires sound timing so dont get too pissed first. Wait till the last orders bell to ring, begin a mid length amusing anecdote, finish it then leap to your feet screaming "my shout". By the time you actually get to the bar you should by late enough to ensure failure but not so late that everyone doesn't think you haven't tried. Works a treat everytime ;)

THE IDEAL PUB

DARTBOARD - Made of horse hair so only the most determined and skillfull arrows find their mark. Scoring should be by chalk board only to encourage arithmetic skills (tip, take a fucking calculator).

PUB FOOD - The same selection to be kept in large plastic dome until sold or declared unfit for human consumption. Selection to include at least one cornbeef sandwich, one shrunken scotch egg and two sausage rolls with mould on them.

NO MAN'S LAND (SPACE BETWEEN CHAIRS AND BAR) - Sacred space for harmless scrapping, dancing and acting out dramatic bits of long pointless stories.

WOBBLY BROWN CIRCULAR TABLE - Ideally this should be too small for more than one person to sit at in any comfort.

UMCOMFORTABLE STOOLS - No not chronic runs! Chronic back pain! Its the ideal climax to any half decent night in the pub.

BEER MATS - A random selection spanning at least two decades. Though all of them should include entry to a big prize competition that closed at least four years ago.

SET OF LITTLE BRASS BELLS - Balancing precarioulsy on edge of picture rail.

POSTERS - Included two faded shots of Norwegian fjords and an advert for a regional talent contest that never happened.

CLOCK - Running at least 10 minutes fast so theres always time for one more pint.

BAR - Either covered in ancient, foul smelling berr mats or ancient, foul smelling stains. In the real pub there should be little or no acutal space to rest your pint in.

REGULARS - To be greeted strictly on nodding terms only, though at chrimbo "alright" is sometimes permitted.

HARP ICE BUCKET - Filled with mainly cold water and with what look suspiciously like fag ash.

CARPET - Preferably marked with more cigarette burns than a sadomasochists convention.

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws