Mogo Does the Universe
by kalinara, ([email protected])

Somewhere out in the cold, black expanse of space, a single planet orbited a lone sun. This was no ordinary planet, it should be noted. This was Mogo, a chosen member of the greatest peace-keeping force of the galaxy, the Green Lantern Corps.

Mogo enjoyed being a Lantern for the most part, of course. It was a very spiritually fulfilling path for a sentient planet. But there was one need that yet remained unfulfilled.

Mogo was lonely and moreover, it had not had any action in the physical gratification sense in eons. The closest it had come was when it had been �dead� and that necromancer with the redundant name ordered him to crush the human, Kyle Rayner. And even that had been most unsatisfying, for even as he managed to capture the human, he�d also caught the zombie of Green Lantern Corps member Kilowog. And honestly, zombified Bolovax Vikians tasted absolutely revolting.

Later, a couple of resurrections and Corps-rebuilding events later, Mogo had started to get very desperate. Sadly there weren�t many prospects for a sentient planet, so the little human would have to do. At least he had been promoted; Mogo had always appreciated career-beings. Its plan had been simple, a bit of good old fashioned �damsel-in-distress� acting. That always worked on humans. It had been a bit of a smack to its pride to call for help merely because of a few impudent Thanagarians. But the ruse got results and Oa sent a team of Lanterns to assist.

Mogo had just managed to get the Torchbearer away from the rest of the group and was about to start wooing in earnest, when the silly creature started hallucinating dead girlfriends. Well, there went that prospect, Mogo thought dejectedly, it preferred its mates with a little more of an attention span.

It wasn�t as if the gravitational pull from such a small mass would have been even remotely satisfying anyway. Whoever said size didn�t count was lying of course. But then there weren�t any prospects at all. The sun of this system was an aloof twit of a being who never bothered to appreciate what it had in a satellite anyway. Mogo wanted more. And honestly, there was only so much that a Green Lantern ring could do!

The Guardians were of no help either, since the Torchbearer invented women they were all too �busy�. Bastards.

Fortunately the Gods of Narrative Contrivance were smiling upon Mogo this day, as for reasons that would require a very complex pseudo-scientific justification that would have dubious plausibility and would probably only just strain suspension of belief and break the mood anyway, another sentient planet just happened to be self-propelling in Mogo�s general direction.

This planet�s name was Zonama Sekot and it was from a galaxy long ago and far far away, or something like that. It came to this galaxy on a whim, following the urges of the Force. Or something like that.

Mogo felt Zonama�s pull even before it arrived in the system, the pull of a mass so large that Mogo�s tides churned with anticipation as the other planet grew nearer. When it was finally in range, Mogo was enraptured by the other planet�s impressive mass and power. In turn, Zonama Sekot was immediately charmed by Mogo�s coquettish configuration of continents. And the exotic patterning of the foliage into a strange lamp-like shape seemed to spark fluctuations of Zonama�s gravitational field all on its own.

Neither spoke as Zonama�s own mass gently distorted Mogo�s orbit to bring it ever closer to itself. Sentient planets were rare enough phenomena that neither intended to disrupt the beauty of this chance meeting with words. Their connection shot straight beneath their perfect crusts, into the depths of their mantles; that visceral surge and pull that made any other communication redundant.

Mogo�s tectonic plates quaked with desire and its polar caps felt as though they were melting as its orbit graduated from elliptical to ovoid, drawing ever closer to the larger planet. Their fields interacted, picking up a rhythm as their gravitational energies warred for dominance. Zonama�s greater mass smoothly asserted control, soothing Mogo into blissful submission.

Mogo had never felt like this before. This interaction with Zonama made its previous attempts with the Torchbearer and the distant caress of that inattentive sun look like the hopeless adolescent fumbling that they�d truly been. This was the real thing. Mogo was in love.

So lost were they in these sensations, that neither planet noticed the sudden, nonsensical appearance of a convenient spatial rift. In much the same level of implausible coincidence that allows for one�s very attractive neighbors to inexplicably enter one�s house during a decidedly pleasant encounter with a delivery woman in an adult movie, two other planetoids emerged from the rift. The first was a very rough fellow named Ego. His proper name was �Ego, the living planet� but that lacks a certain sort of glamour given his current company.

Ego was, to put it bluntly, a barbarian. It had no notion of the courtly graces or civilized manners of its more genteel brethren. Pillaging, invading and destroying were activities more to his taste. However, deep down, Ego was, truth be told, quite lonely. And once it escaped that loathsome Quasar creature, he sought once more to redeem this though creating invasion fleets from its own being to find and conquer other planets. Sadly it has always known, thanks to tremendous psionic power, that these planets had lacked the true capacity for companionship. In the end, it had no choice but to eat them. It just seemed fitting.

Its partner wasn�t actually a planet at all, but a giant robotic mechanism with an identity crisis. Unicron shared a hobby of planetary consumption. However, while it was indeed a cold metallic, heartless being, its nature did not necessarily forbid the occasional �fun� before a meal, though in truth it did nothing for it. Unicron and Ego were as perfect a couple as could exist in the universe, in the way that only gay lion tamers or mutually isolated, socially retarded cannibalistic planetoids could be. It was touching really, if you�re a very sick person.

Anyway, when Ego felt the presence of not one but *two* sentient planets, it called to something inside of it, down in its very core, reaching that deepest and most profound of emotions: lust. Unicron was also excited about the idea, if only because it hadn�t eaten in light years and was positively famished. But it was willing to let Ego play first, as it had a particularly irritating tendency to whine if Unicron didn�t.

However Zonama and Mogo were so enthralled with one another that they did not at first notice the approach of other planetoids until their electromagnetic fields were already enveloping them, pulling them from their mutual orbits and into a decidedly needlessly complex four-planet configuration.

Mogo was lost in geological ecstasy. It had gone from being alone and desperate enough to attempt mating with a human (although the Torchbearer�s hindquarters truly were legendary among all living beings) to this amazing experience with not one but three dashing companions. Ego was so primal and passionate and Unicron, so smooth and coldly elegant that Zonama Sekot was almost cast into the shadow of their magnificence. Almost, for the Force-sensitive planet had ways of evening the score, Force-powered ways of course.

For its part, Ego felt more complete than it remembered since long before it got imprisoned in that idiotic Quasar. For so long it had searched for others like it. Unicron had been better than nothing, but not like this. Ego would genuinely regret it when he and Unicron ate them. But then didn�t these two deserve better than to get eaten by a robotic fake like Unicron, Ego thought as it revolved itself around Zonama and Mogo. If it had been paying more attention, it might have noticed that such a thought came almost completely out of nowhere, as though someone had perhaps told it that these were not the droids it was looking for. Fortunately, it wasn�t.

Unicron was getting bored though. It went through the motions, but without the geology to react to the interacting forces, the motions meant nothing to him. It wanted to just eat already, instead of waiting on the whim of a whiny, libidinous idiot. Enough was enough.

As Unicron lunged for Mogo, Ego tore itself away from the wonderful embrace of intertwining orbits. *It* was going to eat these planets, not this robot! Quickly a fight was engaged, psionic power warring with technological might. Mogo had no interest in waiting to see who would win, and it took but a surge of will and green energy to send both planets back into that convenient spatial rift from whence they came, sealing it behind them.

Alone together once more, Mogo regarded Zonama Sekot with resigned sorrow. It knew that as wonderful as their brief joining had been, they shared the silent understanding that it could last no longer; theirs was a passing, fleeting moment of joy in their long and arduous lives. A memory to be treasured, Mogo thought as it returned to its proper orbit. With wistful longing, it basked in the last touches of Zonama�s electromagnetic energies as the other planet departed.

Well, that was fun, Zonama Sekot thought, as it headed back to that galaxy far, far away. The Force told him some random remnant of the Empire had built themselves a Death Star. Now one of those was *always* a good lay.

The end!

(Thank god, and we shall never speak of this again.)

(Disclaimer: Mogo and the Green Lantern Corps belong to DC Comics; Zonama Sekot is from the Star Wars: New Jedi Order series; Ego, the Living Planet belongs to Marvel Comics, and Unicron is from Transformers...and as this is a parody, god-willing, I can't be sued...I hope.)