By Kali Gargoyle
***
Kali steps down off the last rung of the ladder and looks into the lair.
"Hello? Is anyone home?"
Splinter walks out from his subway car room. "Ah, Kali, what brings you down here?"
"Well, I had a new idea for a long story and I wanted to get the guys opinion."
"A long story? What a novel idea! They've just gone to get pizza, they should be back soon."
At that moment four giant turtles walk into the lair. "We're back!"
Mike grins. "Hey, Kali! Nice shirt, can I talk you out of it?"
"Hi, guys. Thanks Mike, a friend sent it from Denmark. I just wish it weren't so Dane tee. What kind of pizza did you get?"
"Mango and pineapple," Leo says.
Kali rolls her eyes. "No one puts tropical fruit on pizza anymore. It's a dated technique."
They all go into the kitchen and sit at the table. Mike opens the box and Don takes a slice.
"Hmmm, this pizza tastes like seafood."
Kali takes a bite. "Yep, something's definitely fishy about this."
Mike throws his hands up. "Man, I told them no anchovies."
Raph pulls a bottle from the fridge. "Anybody want something to drink?"
Kali looks at the unlabeled bottle. "Is it none alcoholic?"
"Of course," Raph says, casting a nervous glance towards Splinter.
"You say that," Kali says, "but where's the proof."
"I've got coffee if you want," Don says.
"No, drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems," Kali replies. "I'll just have soda."
"Drinking coffee has it's perks," Don argues.
Splinter sits at the table with a sushi plate. "Coffee has often bean the grounds of many a heated and strong discussion."
Kali nods and takes another slice. "So, what have you guys been up to lately?"
Raph shrugs. "Just the usual, stopping muggings, preventing break-ins, saving the world."
"Yeah," Mike says exuberantly. "We're out teaching that crime doesn't pay!"
Kali thinks. "Does that mean fan fiction is a crime?"
"Only in some circles," Leo says.
"How 'bout some cards?" Raph asks.
"I just got a new deck," Kali says, pulling it out of her bag. She hands it to Don, who opens it.
"What's the big deal with these extra cards?" he says, pulling out four blank cards.
Kali shrugs and notices Mike is staring at her. "Yes?"
"Could I touch your belly button?"
Kali blinks. "Uhhh…"
"From the inside?"
Kali turns back to Don while Mike whines. "Come on, be unique and different, say yes!"
Don deals the cards. "My pick up line was published on the Internet, wanna hear it?"
"No," Kali says, picking up her cards.
Leo moves around his cards. "You should have heard April today. She was crying over a few gray hairs, you'd think she was going to dye."
Kali tosses down her cards. "I can't believe my teacher rejected my answer of forty degrees. It was such a cute angle!"
Don shakes his head. "Sorry, Kali, maybe you should try philosophy."
"I Kant, they don't have it at my school."
"Can we have some music?" Raph asks.
"The cassette player jammed up when I tried to play music from my favorite sixties British pop band," Don says. "I’m still trying to work the Kinks out."
Mike jumps up when the clock chimes. "It's time for TRL!" he shouts before running out of the room.
"Great," Raph says, rolling his eyes. "The Daly nuisance."
"I was watching Hot Shots! last week, but I had to leave when Mike turned the brightness all the way up," Leo says.
"Why?" Kali asks.
"It was a bit too Sheen for me."
Kali stood up. "I need to use the bathroom."
"Wait," Don cries. "The main hall is blocked, so you'll have to wing it."
Kali sighs and leaves. When she returns, the pizza is gone and everyone is in the main room. She sits next to Leo. "What's on?"
"A Wedding story."
Kali rolls her eyes. "You know, all these people are just doing this for the matri-money."
Leo shrugs. "I think the word marriage has a nice ring to it."
Kali laughs. "To some, marriage is a word; to others, a sentence."
"I hear ya," Raph agrees. He catches Kali's gaze. "Ya know, it's only premarital sex if you plan on getting married."
"Where did you hear that?" Mike asks.
"Somewhere. So what do you say, Kali, wanna go back to my room?"
"I don't know, can two people fit under a rock?"
Don snickers. "Slammed."
"Come on Kali, I'm having sex with you tonight anyway, so you might as well be there."
"Sorry Raph, you aren't on my 'Things To Do' list."
Don grabs Kali's arm. "Come on, there's something I want to show you."
He drags her away to his lab. "I got this cool new microscope."
Kali looks into the eyepiece. "What is it?"
"Atomic particles."
"I can't see them."
"What do you mean you can't see them? You're looking right atom!" He sighs. "Maybe my math is off. It is sum times."
Kali picks up the clipboard. "Don, these averages make no sense. I have no idea what they mean."
Don drops his head. "Some daze I just can't focus."
"Oh, Don, it's okay."
He looks up. "I'm feeling kinda vulnerable, wanna take advantage of me?"
"Hey, Kali!" they hear Raph call.
Kali leave the lab. "What?"
"Mike can't choose his footwear for the beach."
"Tell him to stop flip-flopping between choices and pick a pair of sandals!"
Leo walks by with a breath mint. "Do you know how they get those little blue circles in there."
"They're incerted, of course," Kali replies. "Where'd Raph go?"
"He's in another funk," Mike says.
"Again?" Kali sighs. "It's so hard to get a depressed turtle out of his shell."
"The world is full of apathy!" Raph screams. "But I don't care anymore!"
Splinter looks over from the newspaper he was reading. "There's an interesting article about a church that excepts all denominations."
"Really, sensei?" Leo asks.
"Yes, but they prefer tens and twenties."
Kali crosses her arms. "How typical."
"Someone should tell them money isn't everything," Splinter says.
"Yeah, it isn't plentiful, for instance," Raph grumbles.
"I have a crazy family," Don comments.
"Relatively speaking, of course," Kali adds. "Insanity is hereditary."
Splinter turns the page. "Yes, one gets it from their children."
Raph puts his arm around Kali's shoulder. "That's just 'cause some parents are all no-ing."
Mike pulls Kali down onto the couch. "Wow, I just realized that we've known you for like thirteen years."
"Yeah," Raph says. "I guess the more things change, the more they stay insane."
Kali pulls out her sketchbook. "I've got some pictures to show you."
Mike opens the book. "Isn't this that character you drew for that author?"
"No, that was Zen, this is Tao."
Leo yawns. "It's late guys, we should get some sleep."
"That sounds nice," Kali says.
Raph grins. "You like sleeping? Me too! We should do it together sometime."
Kali stands. "A good artist knows where to draw the line. I'm stopping this before it goes too far."
They all retreat to their rooms, but Mike comes back and stops Kali before she leaves. "I can't find my teddy bear."
"I'm sorry to hear that Mikey, is there something I can do?"
"Could you take his place?"
***
"Pun" backwards is "nup". And a nup is a nup is a nup.