By Kali Gargoyle
***
Raphael plops down on the couch with pen and paper. Michaelangelo jumps and glares at him before returning his attention to the TV.
"Hey, Mike, what do you make of all the fan fiction 'bout us?"
Mike just shrugs.
"Because I was thinking of all the things writers can make us do. I thought I'd give it a shot."
Mike gives his brother a wary glance. "You're going to write your own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles story?"
"No. Geez, Mike, that would be dumb."
Mike lets out a sigh of relief.
"I'm going to mess with an author."
Mike looks at Raph like he's just lost his mind. "Who?"
"Let's see." He taps his chin with the pen. "Female, definitely. Single, blonde, DD, and an uncanny interest in reptiles."
Mike moans. "She's gonna kill you."
Raph grins. "Hell of a way to go! Now, I'll put her out in the woods, skimpy outfit. Some Foot will attack and I'll have to rescue her, and to show her gratitude, she'll…"
Mike laughs. "You don't know the rules well, do you? You can't make her do that. You can put her in that situation and let it go, but you can't force her."
"Like I would. I know she's her own woman. Free will and all. But if I do this just right…"
"She'll kill you."
"Kill me? Her 'dark angel'? Nah. Maim, maybe. Wanna help?"
Mike snatches the pad of paper away. "Let a real writer do this. In the woods you say?"
"In what woods?" Leonardo asks, walking into the room.
"There aren't any woods near here," Donatello adds.
"There are trees in the park," Venus says.
Mike holds up the pen. "We're writing fan fiction."
"What?" Venus asks.
"'Bout who?" Leo asks.
Raphael snatches the pad back. "Who do ya think? She took her pants off for Mike in her last one-shot, now it's my turn."
Donatello raises an eyeridge at Mike, who just grins. "How else was I supposed to write on her thigh?"
"Can we play?" Don asks, sitting next to Raph.
"I think there's enough of her to go around," Raph snickers as he begins to write.
"I want no part in this!" Venus exclaims, putting her hands on her hips. "And I'm telling Splinter!"
Raphael stares her down, but she doesn't cave. Finally, he just smiles and says, "You probably shouldn't anyway, V. You'd be no match for her power."
That did it. Venus narrows her eyes. "What did you say?"
"Well, I heard through the grapevine that she says she's a better mystic than you are."
"The nerve of her! Move over."
***
I look around at my new surroundings. I could have sworn, and in fact, did, that I was in my room only moments before, finishing up some sketches for next Tuesday's update. Now, I was in the middle of the forest. I don't feel like I'm dreaming, or meditating. Weird.
"Why do I get the strange feeling that I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe?"
I look down at myself. Gods! Who picked my wardrobe? I've never shown this much skin outside the shower. It looked like something out of Dirty Pair Flash. Then it hit me.
"Oh, no."
"Oh, yes!" Michaelangelo jumps down from a tree. He's dressed in a leopard spotted loincloth. He runs over and sweeps me off my feet. "Me turtle, you gorgeous!"
I cover my eyes with my hands. "Please tell me this is not happening." I peek between my right middle and ring fingers to see Mikey staring down at my cleavage.
"Oh, for the love of…!" I kick out of his arms and land straight on my butt. "Oh yeah, brilliant move."
"Mikey!"
I look up to see Raphael coming out from between two trees wearing full ninja garb. "You ruined my story!"
"Your story!"
"Yes, mine! It was my idea. See, she's dressed like a ninja. She's supposed to be being chased by the Foot Clan so I can rescue her!"
"Guys?"
"No way! I'm taking her to my tree house for some wild lovin'!"
"Guys!"
They stop and look at me. "Shh," says Mikey.
"Yeah, this don't concern you," Raph adds.
"But guys…" I point to the woods, where I can see several of the Foot Clan surrounding us. They charge.
I jump up and grab the whip that's tied around my waist. Yep, definitely Raph's idea. Raphael pulls his sai from his belt and Mike pulls his nunchaku from somewhere and start to fight.
I get a few good hits in before one of them slices my bare arm. The guy who hit me goes down and doesn't do much except die.
Something grabs hold of my waist and pulls me up. I can see the battle get smaller and smaller. I crane my neck and look back at Michaelangelo.
"What now?"
"We're getting out of here."
"How? Oh, hell no!" I watch him grab hold of a vine with his free arm while he holds me with the other. I start to get nauseous from watching the trees fly by.
Mike looks at me. "Whoa, babe, you look greener than me. Let's set down."
We land near a clear pool with a small waterfall. I lean forward on a rock, thankful that my insides were staying inside.
"Better take a look at that arm." Mike grabs my arm while I'm still disoriented from the nausea and blood loss. He pulls down the zipper on the front of my shirt.
"Hey!" I yell.
"Got blood on it," he grins, pulling the shirt off. Underneath was a red lace bra, practically see through.
"Lace?" I cry. "I can't wear lace. It makes me itch!"
"Then take it off," he answers casually. My hand swings towards his face but I miss and he let's go. I go tumbling off the rock and into the water. I surface and glare at Mike.
With my feet on the bottom the water comes up to my armpits. Damn, it's cold. Mike reaches out for me. "Come on, O Graceful One, I'll help you out."
I reach out, then pull back into the water, thinking better of it. "It's cold."
Mike just grins wider. "So?"
I cross my arms over my chest. "It's cold!"
Suddenly, my feet are swept out from under me again. I instinctively wrap my arms around Raphael's neck. "Here, let me help."
"Ahhhhhhhh!" We look over to see Mike get hit with a pale blue ball of light. In surprise, Raphael drops me back into the freezing cold water.
"What the…" Before he got to finish his sentence he, too, was blasted.
I crawl up on shore and almost run into a pair of green feet. I look up and notice sky blue leggings. I look up all the way. "Please say you’re here to rescue me." Although knowing her, I wasn't quite sure.
She grabs my arm and pulls me up, almost dislocating the shoulder. It was my injured arm too, and I bet she did it on purpose.
"Where do you get off saying you're a better mystic than I am!"
"Raph's been teaching you English, huh?"
Venus shoves me away and pulls out her kam mi. "Prepare to be beaten, witch!"
I easily dodge the first volley as I look for my shirt. It seems to have disappeared. What a surprise.
As Venus shoots another blast at me, I thrust my hands forward and reflect it back at the Shinobi.
"Uh, oh." Venus was hit, down for the count.
I rub my temples, trying to stop the oncoming headache.
"There you are!"
I turn to Donatello. "Halt! Friend or fiend?"
He just rolls his eyes. "Boy, and I thought Leo was paranoid."
"Fine, if you aren't here to satisfy your testosterone, then help me look for my shirt!"
Don blinks, as if he's just noticed that I have no shirt on and am soaking wet with cold water. "Uhhhhhhhhh…"
"Arggghhhh!" I pull on my long hair. It's messy and untamed. I turn on my heal and head off into the woods. All the animals run from me. I end up in the same place this all started. I can tell because of all the bodies lying on the ground. Raph and Mike are nowhere to be seen.
I can hear hoof beats in the distance, coming closer. A pure white stallion jumps over one of the bodies and flies past me. It slows and turns back to me.
"Leo!"
He sat up on the horse in brown slacks and a loose blue shirt. He reaches down and pulls me into his lap.
I smile at him. "You know, if the world were logical, men would ride sidesaddle."
Leo nodded. "But, I, milady, am a turtle."
"Milady? Leo, are you feeling alright?"
Leo grins at me. "I'm afraid that I've been talked into participating as well. It is now a contest."
I close my eyes and moan. "First one to score wins."
"Uh, huh."
"Leo?"
"Yeah?"
"I think I'm going to be sick."
He just chuckles. "Just don't ruin the upholstery."
"Stop!"
The path is blocked by the rest of the players. Leo brings the horse to a stop and grins. "I'm ahead."
Raphael brandishes his sai menacingly. "Let her go, or you'll lose yours."
Leonardo dismounts and pulls me down behind him. "I guess it's every turtle for themself."
Raphael attacks and it's not long before everyone gets pulled into the brawl.
I back up into a tree. I feel something clamp over my mouth and pull me back into the darkness. I try to bite, but don't hit anything. Finally, I'm released.
I gasp. "Master Splinter? Don't tell me you…"
Splinter held up a hand to silence me. "No, I'm here to help you."
I fling my arms around him. "Oh, thank you!" I plant a kiss on his fuzzy cheek.
Splinter smiles at me. A fatherly smile. "Go, child."
Then I am gone.
***
Leonardo and Donatello stop fighting once they realized I'm gone. Venus paces over by the side, still bitter from her humiliating defeat. Raphael and Michaelangelo are still rolling around in the dirt.
Splinter's walking stick comes out of nowhere to hit the turtles upside the head. They clutch their skulls and look up at their sensei.
He frowns. "I am disappointed in you all. I thought I had taught you better than this. And I thought Chung I had taught you better, Venus." Leonardo and Venus bow their heads in shame and the others just look away.
"We're sorry," they say in unison.
"I'm not the one you should be apologizing too."
"Yes Master," they say, again in unison.
Splinter taps his stick on the ground. "Let's go home."
Raphael picks himself up off the ground. "Man, I didn't even get a kiss."
Splinter's whiskers twitch. "Did you think it would turn you into a prince?" he asks.
"Maybe," Raphael answers. "Whoulda made me feel like one."
Splinter's smile widened just a bit. "Yes, I suppose it does." He turned
and left, leaving behind five confused turtles.