jamesmontgomery

James Montgomery
A Modern King Lear
By: Shelly

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This is my rendition of the Shakespearean classic, King Lear. However, my version is ten times better than the original because it's funny, weird, outrageously hilarious, and totally me!! Please read it in its entirety for your own good. See, it's even divided in acts for easy reading. And if you can't read it all in one sitting, it's easy to remember where you left off. Who knows...

Characters

it may just be the best play/movie script you've ever read in your entire life! P.S. Mad props to Mr. McGinn for inspiring me to write this!

Act One

1.1
Kenneth: So, whom do you think James likes better: Alexander or Cornelius?
Glen: Well, I always though Al was much nicer, but it seems James doesn�t favor either.  He thinks they�re equal.
(Eddie enters pouring a bag of chips into his mouth)
Kenneth: Oh, who�s this � your son?
Glen: Well, you know, the 70s were a crazy time.  I really knew how to shake it.  And well, you know, the sparks really flew that night. (Does the �hubba hubba� elbow nudge.)
Kenneth: Uh...what?
Glen: (Flashbacks to 70s disco party) Aah�those were the days.  I met backstage with Lady Night, the singer.  We spent some time together after the show � oh!  We spent some damn good time!  And 9 months later, this little guy came along.  Lady Night left him at my door � when my wife found out, she left me.  But hey, that hot night with Lady Night was worth it.  Do you think that�s absolutely horrible?
Kenneth: Well, I wouldn�t say it�s horrible.  I mean, you had a helluva time making him.
Glen: Yeah.  Well, I have another son with my former wife.  I love my kids and all, but this one wasn�t, well, how do you say, desired at the time.  I was ready to really settle down monogamously with my wife, but she left me.  Well, the bastard is all I really have now, since Paul went off to college this year, so cherish the family ya got, eh?  By the way, do you know my friend here, Eddie?
Eddie: I�m afraid not.
Glen: Well, from now on you�ll know him as Kenneth, my �good� friend.
Eddie: Nice to meet you�Kenneth.
Kenneth: I�d love to get to know you!  We could play catch together and build stuff and go camping!  Yeah?
Eddie: (stares at him and blinks his eyes)
Kenneth: Ok, shopping?  Grab a latter?  Get my colors done?  Decorate your bedroom?
Eddie: (Clears throat) Well, I don�t really know if I deserve such�fun, yet.
Glen: Ya know, Kenneth, he�s been at the boarding school now for a good nine years.  And he�s going to be leaving again soon.  Spring break is only so long, you know.  (Buzzer goes off, probably celly or watch)  Oh look at the time!  I�d better get going.  I�m visiting James today.
(Cut to James� house)
James: Hello, Francis. Brian.  Go take your coats off and stay awhile.  Grab a drink while you�re at it.  There�s some delicious Yoohoo in there.
(Francis and Brian exit)
James: Well, here we are.  Now, Olivia, you want to go to Prom, right?
Olivia: Yeah.  Well, if I pick my date.  (Waves to Fr. and Brian in the kitchen)
James: And Gabby and Roxy � you�d like some money for new houses.  Not that we haven�t enjoyed your presence in the house � I mean, you�re only 24 and 22.  I guess it�s just time for you to spread your wings and fly from the nest. (Wipes a tear.)  But there�s a small setback.  Well, Christmastime just came and passed.  And you all got lots of presents, like that mink coat you�re wearing, Roxy.  So, it has all left money a little tight for me.  Therefore, I can�t help all three of you.  I�m not sure how to handle this.  
Olivia: But, Dad, tickets for Prom are only $50.  I mean, houses are thousands of dollars.
James: Oh, Olivia.  It starts with one prom ticket.  Then you�ll want a dress, shoes, a limo, diamonds�  I know what I�ll do!  Whoever loves me the most will get the most money.  Who wants to start?
Gabby: Daddy, I�m the oldest daughter.  I�ve loved you for over 24 years.  You are the most important man in my life � I love you more than anything.  You gave me life, now I give my life to you.  You are the best daddy in the world.  I love you! (Gives him a big kiss on his cheek)
Olivia: (Looks a Fr. and Bri. Laughing and whispers to herself) Oh God, what do I say after that?
James: Well, my darling Gabby.  Thank you for that beautiful display of love and emotion.  For your respect and devotion, I give you and Alexander money for a new house.  (Hands a check to Gabby)  Now, Roxy?
Roxy: Well, it seems as though Gabby has stolen the words to describe my love for you.  But she missed an important point.  Not only do I love you dearly, I hate ALL other joys except you.  You are all I love!
Olivia: (To self) Oh man, I�m next.  I know I love daddy, but how do I say it?
James: Well, Roxy.  I�m blown away by your love and sincerity.  I have no choice but to offer you money for an apartment � and someday you will marry Cornelius and grow a beautiful family in it.  (Hands Roxy a check)  Ok, Olivia.  Most of my money is gone, but if you prove your love, you will get what you need.  So, what do you have to say?
Olivia: (Sighs) Nothing.
James: Nothing?
Olivia: Nothing.
James: Well, you won�t get any money with that attitude.  Come on now, try again. 
Olivia: Ugh, Daddy!  I can�t tell you how I feel.  You�re my father, I have to love you.  That�s all.
James: Ok, you love me.  But how do you love me?  Hurry up now, my bank account is getting smaller by the second (Winks at Olivia).
Olivia: Daddy, you�ve raised me almost by yourself, and I appreciate that.  But I can�t compete with my sisters.  How can Gabby say she loves you more than anything if she�s married?  God, this isn�t an incest farm!  When I get married, I�ll love my husband, unlike my sisters, who only love Daddy Warbux.
James: Are you sure you want to say this?
Olivia: Well, I already said it.  I�ll say it again, if you didn�t hear it the first time.
James: That�ll be enough.  (Sighs) So young, so rebellious.  Where have I gone wrong?
Olivia: I�m sorry, Daddy, but it�s true.
James: Well, if that�s how you feel, then no Prom money.  No dress, no shoes, no ticket, no limo.  Whoever takes you now will pay for your ticket while you attend in a-a-a burlap sack!  You are so ungrateful!!  How can I call you a daughter?
Kenneth: Oh, c�mon now �
James: Shut up!  She was my favorite daughter, and now she betrays me!  Well, call in Francis and Brian.  I�ll tell them what happened.  As for you, Alexander and Cornelius�I assume you�ll be living with my daughters.  But Cornelius, I don�t want any fornication, even if you�re engaged to Roxy.  On that note, I hope to visit my two daughters each month.  To pay for your homes, I had to sell mine.  I know, it sounds crazy, but it�s a small price to pay for my daughter�s love.
Kenneth: Oh, James, how could you �
James: I warned you!  Don�t push me!
Kenneth: I�m sorry, but I can�t control myself.  It�s this damn new medication.  Makes me break out in a mild rash once in awhile.  Anyway, do you know what you�re doing?  You know Olivia love you the most!
James: I don�t want to hear it!
Kenneth: James, you know I�ve only tried to help you as long as we�ve been friends.  I�m trying to help you!
James: Help me by getting out now!
Kenneth: Listen to �
James: NOW!
Kenneth: Please just listen!
James: You fag!  (Cracks a beer bottle and goes toward Kenneth)
Al & Cornelius: Whoa! (Holds James back) Calm down, sir!
James: (Throws the bottle neck down and shakes A & C off) Kenneth, you have angered me like none other.  You don�t have children � you don�t know how I feel. Don�t try to help me � you can give me good advice.  I never want to see you again.  Get out of my sight.  If I ever see you again, you�re a dead man, Kenny.
Kenneth: Well, James, have a nice life.  And, Olivia, you did the right thing.  I know everything will work out for you.  Roxy, Gabby � I hope you meant what you said and treat your father well.  Goodbye, everyone.  (Exits)
Glen: Uh, James?  Here�s Francis and Brian.
James: Thanks, Glen.  Well, who�s first?  Brian? (Br. steps forward.)
Brian: Yup?
James: Well, I know you and Francis are fighting for my��daughter.� Though I don�t see why.  Anyways, what�s the least you�ll ask for to go to Prom with her?
Brian: Well, she just needs a ticket and a sexy dress, like you promised.  (Stops with his mouth hanging open)
James: Right.  Well, I promised you that before she betrayed me.  But now she, well, she�s not a real daughter anymore.  So, if you still want her, she�s yours.  But she�s all you get.  You�ll have to buy her ticket if you want her so badly.
Brian: But you promised�
James: Hey, these are the circumstances.  Take it or leave it, bud.
Brian: Uhh�I need to talk to my mama.
James: Alrighty then.  You lose.  Buh-bye.  Now, Francis Oldenburg.  The same offer stands. 
Francis: I don�t get it.  I thought you loved Olivia?  Sure, she must have hurt you, but I don�t see how you can abandon her like this.
Olivia: Yeah, and I don�t see how you can condemn me for not being able to speak my heart.  I�ve never hurt you or disappointed you � if you are so quick to hate me for this small act, then maybe it�s for the best that you don�t like me.
James: If you can�t even tell me you love me, then you shouldn�t have even been born!
Francis: Well, Brian, you�re not going with her?  If you like her, it shouldn�t matter if she�s poor for the night.  She is a beautiful gem herself, even if I have to buy her ticket.
Brian: Hey Jimmy, are you sure you won�t fork over some dough for the Prom?  I�ll take her if you hook me up with the Benjamins!
James: Certainly not, you scoundrel.  Calling me Jimmy!  Don�t you know who I am?
Brian: Fine, then I ain�t going with her.  Sorry, sugar.
Olivia: Whatever.  Have a nice life.  I wouldn�t want a cheap date anyway.
Francis: Olivia, I�d do anything for you.  I�ll buy you a ticket, a dress, shows � anything.  You are my one true love!  If you�ll let me, Olivia, I�d love to take you to the dance.
James: Well, isn�t that sweet.  You can have her.  And I NEVER want to see her again.  Take her out and never bring her back.  Goodbye.  C�mon, Brian.  Let�s go.
Francis: Well, say goodbye to your sisters.  You can�t live in a house like this.  You can live with my family.
Olivia: Roxy, Gabby�I know what you�re doing.  But, being a good sister, I won�t name your flaws.  You better love Daddy well.  Bye.
Roxy: Don�t tell US how to love Daddy.
Gabby: Yeah, just work on loving little Franky over there.  He just agreed to go out with you because he felt sorry for you!  You�ll be back in this house after your little pity date is over!
Olivia: Someday Daddy will see the real you, and you�ll be laughed out of Boston.  Have a nice life!
Francis: Let�s go, Liv.
(Francis and Olivia exit)
Gabby: Roxy, we need to talk about this new house thing.  I think Daddy will be moving in with us soon.
Roxy: Oh, most definitely!  You already have your house picked out � he�ll move in with you first, for sure.  But then, me, next month.  Oh no, I haven�t even decided on a wall color for the living room yet!
Gabby: (rolls eyes) Daddy must be sick.  Did you see how he just kicked out Olivia?  I know she�s 18 and an adult now, but still�
Roxy: (puts on lipstick with pocket mirror) He must be schizo.  
Gabby: He�s always been rash, but never this impulsive.
Roxy: Well, now that he�s not talking with Kenneth anymore, it�ll be worse.  Aww, I miss Kenneth already.  Remember when I had the flu at Christmas, and he came in dressed as Santa and gave me �
Gabby: (hits Roxy) Shush.  This isn�t a Hallmark moment. (Turns around and has a shirt with a crown and the caption �Princess Goneril underneath.)
Roxy: (Under her breath) Well, excuse me, Miss Princess.
Gabby: What was that?!?
Roxy: Oh, nothing.  I didn�t say anything. You ok?  Hearing voices in your head now?  Ya know, insanity can be hereditary.
Gabby: No, I just overheard Francis saying he was never allowed back in Daddy�s sight, either.  If Daddy keeps pushing people away, we might be next.
Roxy: Good point.  What do we do?
Gabby: I don�t know, but we better act quickly.
1.2 � Glen�s House
Eddie: Ugh, why does Paul get everything?  All I wanted was to go to Yale, but now he (camera to picture of Glen) won�t give me the money.  Noo...Paul needs it so he can go to Princeton.  What does he have that I don�t?  Just because he�s a month older?  I have to go to Yale�I need my Gracie.  (Camera to picture of girl wearing Yale apparel.)  Dear God, help me!
	(Enter Glen, and Eddie picks up a letter while putting away his pen and paper.)
Glen: I can�t believe what happened today.  Kenneth, you know � the one you met earlier today � fruity one?, yeah, well, he�s never allowed back in James� house.  The house that he sold for his spoiled daughters.  And Francis, the good kid, was kicked out, too.  Just because he loves Olivia!  What has the world come to?  So, tell me, what happened while I was gone?
Eddie: (reading the letter) Huh?  Oh�you know�nothing.  I guess.
Glen: Well, that sounds like�fun.
Eddie: Yeah.
Glen: Well, I better get back to the treadmill and lose a few �El-Bees� (slang for pounds).
Eddie: Oh, wait.  (Throws letter on the floor.) Don�t go yet.
Glen: (picks up letter and hands it back to Eddie.) No, I really better get going.  The body waits for no one.
Eddie: But�(throws the letter in Glen�s face.)
Glen: Man, this thing doesn�t want to stay in your hands.  What is it?  Love letter from Gracie?  (Nudges Eddie)
Eddie: No, it�s nothing.  Now get off me~
Glen: Let me see it!  It has to be something.  If it�s nothing, I�ll give it right back.  Fork it over, bucko!
Eddie: Dad, please!  It�s from Paul.  I haven�t read it all.  And from what I�ve read, you do NOT want to read it!
Glen: Eddie, just give it to me.
Eddie: I�m sorry, but I don�t want to hurt you.  I can�t let you read it.
Glen: C�mon, it can�t be that bad.
Eddie: Well, I hope he wrote it as a joke.
Glen: (Grabs it and reads it)  �Dear Eddie, I need to talk to you.  Dad is pissing me off.  He�s so annoying!  I can�t stand him.  Meet me tonight � I bought a gun and I�m ready to kill him.  We can take his money and both go to an Ivy League school.  It�s for the best, trust me.  Now, don�t tell him anything.  Signed, Paul.�  What the fuck?  �Ready to kill him�?  He couldn�t have written this.  Well, he physically could have written it because he does have a hand to write.  But his heart�s not this evil.  Who brought this to you?
Eddie: I found it in my tennis bag after my match with him this afternoon.
Glen: Are you sure it�s his handwriting?
Eddie: I hate to say it, but I think it is.  I wish he �
Glen: It�s his.
Eddie: I hope he didn�t mean it.  Maybe he was just venting.
Glen: Did he hint to any of this recently? 
Eddie: No, Dad.  Well�today he was talking about the tennis team at Princeton and how he�d kill to play on the team.
Glen: Fuck!  What a fucking horrible son!  I�ll fucking kill him if I get my fucking hands on him!  Go call the cops.  Turn that fucker in!  Fuck, where is he?
Eddie: Dad, calm down.  I don�t know where he is.  But before you do anything, shouldn�t you talk to him?  I mean, if you hurt him or imprison him, and it�s not true that he wants to kill you, that wouldn�t look too good on your part.  I think he just wrote the letter to see if I�d kill you.
Glen: Really?  Because that makes �so much sense!�
Eddie: Listen, I�ll talk to him tonight and I�ll let you know what he says.  I�ll protect you, Dad.  He won�t come near you.
Glen: I never knew he was this devious and evil.
Eddie: He�s not, Dad.
Glen: Kill his own father for money.  Buy a trailer home and put us on Jerry Springer.  This can�t be happening.  Eddie, go get Paul.  Talk some sense into him.  I beg you!  I�d do anything to save my life!
Eddie: Don�t worry, Dad.  I�ll talk it over with him.
Glen: Oh, it must be the weather.  A storm is coming � yes, that�s it.  Or the moon � it must be full soon.
Eddie: Uh, dad� he�s not a werewolf. 
Glen: Crime in the world, countries at war, terrorism  -- and now, the greatest evil, sons against fathers.  Eddie, go find Paul.  But be careful with that monster.  And my good friend, Kenneth, having a fight with James.  I guess our lunch party at T.G.I.F.�s is off next Monday.  What has the world come to? (Exits)
Eddie: Aah�(Leans back and tilts his chair, hands behind his head) This is going great.  Dad�s blaming the weather.  How quaint!  What a fool! (laughs) Yes, it�s the moon�s fault that poor, treasured Paul wants to (uses finger quotes) �kill� old Daddy-o.  What a load of crock.  Yeah, and I was conceived on a bright sunny day, making me the little sundrop I am today.  And Paul �
(Paul enters) Speak of the devil, here he is.  Ah yes, the coming storm is a warning of the fun we�ll be having.  Haha.
Paul: Hello, Eddie.  Whatcha thinking about?
Eddie: Ohh, just the weather report.
Paul: Oh, I didn�t know you watched the news. 
Eddie: Well, I�m a fascinating person.  So, have you seen Daddy lately?
Paul: Well, last night before I went to my Bible study group.
Eddie: Riight.  Did you talk with him?
Paul: Well, we went over some last minute Bible readings for a couple hours.
Eddie: I see. Did he seem upset with you?
Paul: Why no!  How could we fight in the presence of the Holy Book?!?  
Eddie: Now, really think about it�did he seem at all frustrated or mad?  Anything?  Did you do anything that might have upset him?
Paul: No!  Is someone telling lies about me?  Where did you get this from?
Eddie: Listen, he�s mad at you for some reason.  But be patient until the anger wears off.  Come stay in my room �I�ll tell you when it�s safe to talk to him.  And if you have to take a bathroom break, take this gun (Hands him a gun).
Paul: A gun?  My God doesn�t condone violence!
Eddie: Paul, it�s self-defense.  You need it.  Trust me.  No, go away and be careful.
Paul: Will I hear from you soon?
Eddie: Yeah, yeah.  Get outta here. (Exit Paul)  Haha�what a gullible father and son duo!  Fools! This is so easy.  (Tilts back in chair and puts hands behind his head.) I�ll be at Yale in no time! (Laughs maniacally and falls backward.)
1.3 � Gabby�s new house � painting a wall in bedroom
Gabby: Did my daddy slap my fan #34 for ignoring cousin Carey?
Ozzy: I�m afraid so, oh great one! (Bows down in front of her.)
Gabby: Why does he ruin my life like this?  He�s going to scare off my entire fan club!  Every night, his friends come over to play cards and all they do is drink beer and tear apart my new house!  When he comes back from the Y, I�m not speaking to him.  Tell him I, I�I�m sick.  And don�t treat him very well, either � give him a taste of his own medicine.  And if he asks about it, tell him to talk to me.  But I�m (finger quotes) �sick,� so don�t let him go searching for me.  (A loud sound outside � rock �n� roll music playing and the car hits something loudly.)
Ozzy: I think he�s here, Princess Gabby, my goddess. 
Gabby: Now, make sure you and the rest of my fan club treat him and all his future guests as horribly as you can.  If he doesn�t like it, he can go to Roxy�s.  And between you and me, she�s going to treat him the same way.  Now don�t forget � be mean!
Ozzy: Yes, my lady.
Gabby:  And let his friends hate you, too.  Ya know, maybe start a fight.  Do whatever you want � have fun, Ozzy.  (Puts her cheek to his face so he can kiss it.)  Well, I�m off to e-mail Roxy at princessroxy@yahoo.hotmail.aol.com. I�ll tell her to treat Daddy the same way I did.  Now, go make my filet mignon.  I�m simply starving.  Oh yeah, and shave that goatee.  It�s horrendous.
1.4 � Kenneth standing near James� car, waiting for him to look at him.
Kenneth: (Dressed in drag, now named Kendra.)  Ok, now if I can just lose my manly voice, my plan will work!  James didn�t want Kenneth, gay man, as a best friend, but how can he turn down sexy Kendra?  (Rubs his rear end in the mirror.)
James: Now, you go see how much damage I did to the car � and get my dinner ready.  (Fan clubber exits.)  Well, hello, miss!  Are you a member of Gabby�s fan club, too?
Kendra: Oh, no.  Just a little lady sitting on the side of the road.  (Blinks at James)
James: Well, what do you want?
Kendra: You.  I�m trustworthy, loyal, intelligent, talkative, respectful, and pretty damn good in bed � or so I�m told.
James: Who are you?
Kendra: Kendra � a good-hearted lady and your contemporary.
James: Contemporary?  That�s a pretty big word.  I don�t know if you�re my equal, but you surely have a contemporary (Does face like Austin Powers) style.  (Checks out Kendra.)  Especially if contemporary means sexy.  So, what will you do for me? (Winks.)
Kendra: Service, like al good friends do for their friend. 
James: Aah.  Who would you serve?
Kendra: You.
James: Well, do you even know me?
Kendra: No, but I feel like I�ve known you my whole life.  You just have a certain air about you.
James: What kind of air?
Kendra: An authoritative air.
James: Ooh�submissive, are you?  Ok, I can handle that.  So, what services will you do for me?
Kendra: Well, I can run errands, write in calligraphy, talk with you everyday, give you encouragement and inspiration � and I�m very diligent.
James: How old are you?
Kendra: A lady never reveals her age�hehe.  But I�m young enough to still have fun yet old enough to know better.
James: Well, follow me.  You can be my new best friend.  If I still like you after dinner, we can be more than friends, if you�d like.  Ooh�dinner.  I�m hunry.  Where�s my nephew, Carey?  Hey, John � go find my nephew.  (John walks to other side of car.)  Excuse me � creepy guy with weird eyes � where�s my daughter?
Ozzy: I�m not telling. (Exits)
James: What did he say?  Get him back here. (John exits) Where�s Carey?  Is the whole world lazy now? (John enters.) Well, where is that rude creepy guy?
John: He just said Gabby�s sick.
James: Well, why didn�t he come back when I called him?
John: Said he didn�t want to � very firmly, he said it, too.
James: He didn�t want to?
John: Hames, I know what�s wrong.  I think you feel a little gypped because Gabby has her whole fan club � they treat her with more respect because she�s their goddess.  I know you have your own little fan club too, but we�re old news.  And it just seems like everyone � even you daughter � is treating you with less respect.
James: Really?  You think so?
John: I�m afraid so, James, but I had to say it.  I felt your dignity was at stake.  
James: Well, I have been rather sensitive lately � what with my daughters leaving the house and all.  I�ll try to work on it.  But where�s Carey?  I haven�t seen him in two days.
John: Well, since Olivia left to go live with Francis� family, he�s been sad.
James: Oh please!  He needs to get over it!  Now, you, go get Gabby � I want to talk to her. (Ozzy enters and John exits, glaring at Ozzy.)  Hey, creepy guy!  Come here.  Do you know who I am?
Ozzy: Yeah, my goddess�s father.
James: �Goddess�s father?�  You mofo � I am James Montgomery, oil tycoon and billionaire, thank you very much.  You sonuvabitch.
Ozzy: I�m not a sonuvabitch � I demand you apologize.
James: You wanna start something?  Step up, bee-otch! (Hits Ozzy.) 
Ozzy: Don�t hit me.
Kenneth: He�ll hit you if he wants.  And trip you too, freak. (Trips Ozzy.)
James: Nice move, Kendra. (High fives Kendra.)  I think I�m falling in love with you.
Kendra: (Blushes.) Now, get up, weirdo.  I�ll show you who�s boss.  Get out of here!  Unless you want to be sent to the emergency room on a stretcher.  Get out!  Go! (Pushes him.)
James: Thank you, Kendra.  Here�s a down payment for your efforts. (Kisses Kendra�s cheek.  Carey enters wearing a clown costume.)
Carey: Hey, don�t I get any love? (Offers his cheek to Kendra.)
James: Carey, how are you?
Carey: Ma�am, you ought to give me some love.
Kendra: Why, you fool?
Carey: Fool?  No, you�re the fool for not kissing me.  I�m the favorite, beloved nephew � if you don�t treat me well, you can forget about shagging James tonight.  And if I could make a dunce cap out of these balloons, I�d let you wear it.  And him, too.  He kicked out his favorite daughter.  If you sleep with him, you both need dunce caps.  Aah�I wish I had two dunce caps and two daughters, uncle.
James: Why?
Carey: If I gave them all my money, I could keep one of the dunce caps for myself.
James: Hey now.  Don�t make me give you the �Frathouse Fluff.�
Carey: But only my Pi Beta Omega brothers can give me fluffs � and you�re too old to be a current frat member. Ha � to think of you being in my fraternity.  I don�t think so!
James: Shut up, Carey.  
Carey: Don�t tell me to shut up, nuncle.
James: Did you call me �nuncle�?  (Shakes head.)
Carey: (To Kendra) He�s not the brightest crayon in the box.
James: You�re just bitter.
Carey: Bitter?  Ooh�joketime!  I learned this one at a Frat party!  What�s the difference between a sweet blonde and a bitter blonde?
James: I don�t know, what?
Carey: Well, if you shag one of them like you will this lady, the answer will be apparent.  Duh, fool!  That one was so old, you probably heard it when you were in my fraternity!
James: Are you calling me old?
Carey: Well, seeing as though you sold everything, that nickname is about all you have.
Kendra: He�s right.
Carey: Now, nuncle, I know you�re stressing out.  Maybe you need a kegger or two like the old days.  But you�re already acting way out of line.  All that stress and no intoxication isn�t good for a retired frat brother.
James: When did you start regulating?  Here you are, still calling me �nuncle� and telling me what to do.
Carey: Well, now that you rely on your daughters for everything, it seems your roles have reversed.  As have ours.  I�m going to have to keep an eye out for you.
James: Watch yourself, Carey.
Carey: Ya know, I can�t believe how you and your daughters act now.  They have you whipped.  Pretty soon they�ll whip me for telling the truth, you�ll whip me for lying, and then I�ll be whipped for being quiet.  Man, a guy just can�t win.  I�d rather not be in this sticky position anymore.  Here comes one of my cousins � how lucky!  Just bring out the whip now! (Enter Gabby.)
James: Gabby, darling � what�s wrong?
Carey: Ya know, when you weren�t so girly and sensitive to her feelings, Jimmy, you were pretty cool.  Now you�re a loser.  Even I�m better than you � I�m a dumb jock and you�re nothing.  (To Gabby) I could say so much about you. But, darling, I won�t.  (Points to James) He�s a loser.
Gabby: Well, �Daddy�, not only is it just this rude cousin of mine, but all you other poker-playing, beer-guzzling friends as well who have torn apart my new house.  I�ve been contemplating telling you � if I told you, I figured it would stop the drama.  But after seeing your behavior these last few days, I�m afraid you�ll disown me.  And then I�d never see my daddy again and my whole fan club would see how much of a failure I am � that my own daddy wouldn�t even see me again � and they�ll all leave me � even my favorite, Ozzy.  And all your friends will hate me and they�ll take me out back, torture me with sardines, and pull out my hair.  I�ll never be the same again! (Gasps for air.)
Carey: You ok?  James � do you see what�s happening?
James: Hold on, Carey.  I�m busy.  Are you my daughter, Gabby?
Gabby: I just wish you would think for once and stop being so moody.
Carey: (Puts James� and Gabby�s heads together, cheek to cheek.) Who�s the parental unit?  Just kidding, Gabs.  I love you! (Cheesy smile.)
James: Does anyone know who I am?  I�m obviously not James Montgomery.  Does James talk like this?  Walk like this?  Yes.  So can somebody tell me who I am?
Carey: James� evil twin?
James: (Frustrated sigh) Tell me, what�s your name, Gabby?
Gabby: Stop with these games!  You�re getting moody again.  Now, please just understand my request.  You�re getting old � so, be wise.  You have ten to twenty men over every night.  And those men are so rude.  You and your friends turn my house into a frickin� zoo!  And with their kegs and strippers � it�s a frickin� bar!  My friends are starting to talk about me and my fan club.  And that in itself is bad enough.  So, be a man, and do as I say � I�m not asking for that much.  I�m asking you and your friends to act your age.
James: Never have I been so insulted.  Strippers!  For you information, they�re called belly dancers.  Get my car ready, I�m out of here.  You ugly child.  You don�t deserve a fan club.  Don�t worry, Gabrielle, I won�t trouble you anymore.  At least I still have one daughter left.
Gabby: Daddy, your friends treat my fan club like slaves. (Enter Alexander.)
James: It�s too late now.  Alexander � what do you want?  Speak.  Someone, get my car ready.  Ingratitude!  You should treat me with the respect I deserve.  
Alex: Please, Mr. Montgomery; be patient.
James: You liars!  My men are upright citizens who respect their roles as my friends.  Oh, James, why did you let Olivia go? Who let all the love out of my heart?  Why? Why? Why? Let�s go.
Alex: Sir, I didn�t have anything to do with this.  I don�t know what�s going on.
James: I bet, Alexander, I bet.  God, never let this child have her own child � that ungrateful bitch.  And if she has a baby, make it ten times worser-er than she is.  Let her know what it�s like to have a miserably thankless child.  Get out of here! (Exits.)
Alex: Geez, what�s up with that?
Gabby: Don�t ask.  (Enter James)
James: Yeah, I�m back.  (Starts swearing.)
Alex: What�s wrong?
James: I�ll tell ya. (To Gabby.) I�m pissed off that I�m upset over you.  You�re not worth the tears.  Fuck you!  At least I have another daughter who is kind and comforting.
Gabby: (Under her breath.) Ok, we get it.  Don�t beat the whole �one other good daughter� horse to death.
James: Did I say I was finished?  No.  When Roxy hears about the way you treated me, she�ll tell the paparazzi.  And you�ll look like an animal.  Then I�ll be just like I was before�POWERFUL! (Exits with posse)
Gabby: Huh�did you see that?
Alex: I can�t choose sides.  I mean, I love you, Gab�
Gabby: Shut up.  (Enter James)
James: Yes, I�m back again.  For the third time.
Gabby: What do you want?
James: I left my water bottle here.  (Picks up water bottle.) Good day. (Exits.)
Gabby: Hey, Ozzy!  Wait! (To Carey)  Hey, get my daddy. 
Carey: Sorry, gotta go.  James is waiting.
Gabby: Ugh�Dad had at least a hundred guys who were drunk, horny, and violent.  If we did anything wrong, I�m sure they deserved it.  Ozzy, get your ass over here.
Alex: Well, I�m sure they�re not that bad.  
Gabby: Well, I don�t trust them.  Better to be safe than sorry.  Anyways, I emailed Roxy and told her the story.  If she still lets him stay after what I said � (Ozzy comes over) So, did you check for a confirmation letter in my inbox from Roxy saying that she read my e-card?
Ozzy: Yes, my goddess.
Gabby: Well, get to her flat and make sure she understands the whole story.  And feel free to add your own little comments to really make it good.  Hurry up!  We have a press conference tonight and we need to, well you know, go over the questions and stuff. (Winks at him and Ozzy exits.) Now, Alex, I know you�re a mild, gentle man.  But your submissive nature isn�t a good thing.  You could be taken advantage of.
Alex: I can�t tell if you�re sincere or not.  But if you�re trying to help, you might be making it worse.
Gabby: No, no �
Alex: Yeah, we�ll see.
1.5 At a car shop
James: Here, give these letters to Glen.  Don�t tell my daughters anything about them.  And if you�re slow, I�ll be there before you, ok hun?
Kendra: Dearest James, I won�t sleep until Glen gets them.  (Exits in Pink VW Bug.)
Carey: If a man�s brain were in�s heels, were�t not in danger of kibes?
James: Yeah, yeah.  Quit quoting Shakespeare.
Carey: Haha.  Like you�re not.
James: What?  I don�t even know that much Shakespeare.  Just that one �King Lear� thing.
Carey: Yeah, no kidding.  You could probably star in that play.  Anyways, I bet Roxy will use you kindly.
James: Oh, man.  I was so wrong to her.
Carey: To Roxy?  The crabapple?
James: No�Olivia.
Carey: So, do you know why a snail has a house?
James: To get to the other side?
Carey: No, to put his head in � and not to sell it for his daughters.
James: Ah yes�nice frat humor.  Are we ready to go yet?
Carey: Yeah, one more joke, though.  Why do we have five toes on each foot?
James: Because there aren�t six?
Carey: Ehh�yeah.  You got it.  You should be a court jester.
James: Whoever wrote that joke must have been pretty drunk.
Carey: Yeah, must have been.  Ya know, if you were a fool in my court a few hundred years ago, I�d beat you up for being old before your time.
James: What?
Carey: Yeah, you should have been wiser before you got so old.  I mean, you�re almost sixty.
James: Oh God, don�t let me go crazy.  Not crazy with my asinine nephew.  (Enter car repairman.)  Is my car ready yet?
Repairman: Redy to rock �n� roll, Mr. Montgomery.
James: Let�s go, Carey.
Carey: (Singing �Wherever You Will Go� by The Calling) Way up high or down low.  I�ll follow you wherever you will go�

Act Two

2.1 
Eddie: Good morning, Marshall.
Marshall (Curan in �King Lear.� Has British accent.): Same to you, Sir Edmund.  I spoke with your father and told him that Roxy and Cornelius are visiting tonight.
Eddie: Really?  When are they coming?
Marshall: I do not know, Sir Edmund.
Eddie: Call me Eddie.
Marshall.  Very well.  (Clears throat.)  I do not know, Sir Eddie.
Eddie: No �sir�.  Just Eddie.
Marshall: (Clears throat.) I do not know, EDDIE.  Have you heard the rumors?
Eddie: Uh�nooo.  I�m not into gossip like you are.
Marshall: Then I guess I won�t tell you, EDDIE.  But it was a pretty interesting story.  A shame you don�t want to hear it.
Eddie: Ok, fine � tell me.  Just tell me the oh-so interesting gossip.
Marshall: I don�t think you�re sincere.  Nope, I won�t tell.
Eddie: TELL ME NOW! (Grabs Marshall�s collar.)
Marshall: Fine.  Have you heard of the likely scuffle between Cornelius and Alexander?
Eddie: No.
Marshall: Oh, you will in due time.  Farewell, sir � I mean, Eddie. (Exits.)
Eddie: Cornwall here tonight?  Awesome.  This works so well according to my plan.  Paul is already being hunted down by the police.  And I only have one problem to work out.  I hope lady luck is with me tonight. (To camera) No, I didn�t say �Lady Night� like the whore who birthed me.  Geez, what do you think I am?  Paul, get out here!  I need to talk to you! (Paul crawls out from under Eddie�s bed carrying a stuffed animal.) Put that monkey down.  (Takes it from Paul and throws it over his shoulder.)  Dad is looking for you.  You better get out of here.  I mean, under a bed is the first place he�ll look.  The police have been given a lead that you�re still here.  It�s nighttime � you can run now.  But first, have you ever said anything bad about Cornelius?  He�s coming here tonight, very soon, and Roxy�s with him.  Have you ever said anything about this fight between him and Alexander?  Really think about it, now.
Paul: Oh, I�m sure I didn�t say anything mean.
Eddie: I hear Dad coming.  I�m sorry, I have to get my gun out.  Take yours out like we�re fighting.  Now, run!  Bye! (Exit Paul out the window.)  If I shoot my arm, it�ll look like I fought hard.  Besides, they do worse things in the movies. (Shoots his upper arm.) Dad! Dad! Help me! (Enter Glen, Marshall, and maids.)
Glen: Eddie, who did this to you?
Eddie: he � he was here.  And he mumbled something and shot at me.
Glen: Where is he?
Eddie: Look, I�m bleeding.
Glen: Where is he?
Eddie: He went that way, or this way.  No, that way.  But he couldn�t � 
Glen: Maids � call the police and catch him!  (Exit maids.)  Now, what couldn�t he do?
Eddie: Get me to murder you.  I told him how much I loved you and that our father/son relationship couldn�t be broken.  Speaking of which, let�s go fishing together and play catch when my arm heals.  But I digress�when he saw how much I loved you and that I�d never hurt you, he took out his gun and shot my arm.  When he saw me still moving, he ran away.
Glen: Let him run as far away as he can.  If he�s anywhere near our city, he�ll be caught.  And, boy, will he pay a hefty fine.  (To cops) Isn�t that right, fellas? 
Cop #1: Can pigs fly, sir? (A pig is launched past the window.)
Glen: The future son-in-law of James, Cornelius, is coming tonight.  I�ll tell him that whoever finds him will get a reward and our thanks.  But he who hides Paul will get death.  I�m sure Cornelius will be willing to get some flyers made with that on it � doesn�t he still have that friend in advertising?
Eddie: When I told him that I�d tell someone about his plan, he said, �You�ve always been the rebel child and I the good Bible-studying child � who do you think they�d believe?�
Glen: Why, that little�I never fathered him!  (Doorbell rings.)  That must be Cornelius.  I wonder why he�s here.  Now, Eddie, I promise that I�ll do everything I can to capture Paul.  I�ll make sure everyone sees his picture and knows what a criminal he is.  Don�t worry, son, you�ll get the money to go to Yale, I promise.  (Enter Cornelius, Roxy, and her friends.)
Cornelius: How are you?  I�ve heard some strange things since I got here � which was like two seconds ago.
Roxy: If the rumors are true, then no revenge can ever be enough.  How are you, Glen?
Glen: My heart is broken.  Just broken into a million pieces.
Roxy: Oh no.  And Paul was my father�s godson � so promising.  And he wanted to kill you?
Glen: I�m so ashamed to admit it.
Roxy: Was he friends with the men who literally destroyed my sister�s house.
Glen: I don�t know. 
Eddie: Yes, Roxy.  He did hang out with them.  When he said he was going to Bible groups, he met with them.
Roxy: No wonder he was so evil.  I heard those men are simply horrendous.  I got an e-mail from Gabby saying that I shouldn�t be home when they arrive tonight.
Cornelius: I�m not supposed to be there either, Roxy.  That�s why we�re here tonight.  But, Eddie, I hear you were quite the martyr for your father.
Eddie: It was nothing. (Blushes.)  Just doing my job.
Glen: Oh, c�mon.  Don�t be so humble.  Eddie, here, single-handedly discovered Paul�s plot and got shot in the arm - several times - in order to protect me.
Eddie: Only once, Dad.
Glen: Once what?
Eddie: He only shot me once.
Glen: Oh, details, details.
Eddie: Well, like I said, I was just doing my job.
Cornelius: Is anyone looking for Paul?
Glen: Yes.
Cornelius: Once he�s captured, he�ll never do harm again.  And if you never need my help, I�m here for you.  And, Eddie, through your brave deeds today, you have proved how worthy you are to be one of us.
Eddie: I will serve you, sir.
Glen: I�ll be the first one to thank you for taking him under your wing.
Cornelius: Do you know why we came here? (Ed and Glen shake their heads.)
Roxy: We came so late at night for your advice.  James and Gabby both wrote of quarrels, and I thought it would be best to think about them away from home.  So, will you help me?
Glen: Of course, Roxy.  Anytime. (All exit.)
2.2 Kendra and Ozzy at Glen�s house
Ozzy: Hello, missy.  Do you live here?
Kendra: Yes.
Ozzy: Where should I park the car?
Kendra: In the river.
Ozzy: Aww, c�mon, sugar.  If you love me, tell me.
Kendra: I don�t love you.
Ozzy:  Fine, then I don�t care for you either.
Kendra: Ouch.  If I had you in my bed, you�d care for me.
Ozzy: Why are you playing with me like this?  I never did anything to you.
Kendra: I know who you are.
Ozzy: Ok, who am I?
Kendra: A bitch.  A motherfucker.  A whorelover.  A male prostitute.  A pimp.  A crook.  A drunkard.  A monster.  An illiterate squirrel. A pissan, asshat, fagface, and nothing but a poor ugly sonuvabitch who I�ll beat up in two seconds if you don�t get out of my face.
Ozzy: You bitch!  How can you say that about someone you don�t even know!
Kendra:  Oh, I know who you are.  And you know me.  I�m the one who almost beat you up two days ago.  (Puts arms up in fighting position.) So, step up�Bitch!
Ozzy: Get off me.  I don�t have anything to do with you.
Kendra: Shut up and fight like a man.  I know you�re here to ruin James� reputation.  And I don�t let anyone mess with my man.  (Hits Ozzy�s shoulders with her fingers.)  Let�s go, dude.
Ozzy: Oh, like having a cross-dressing lover doesn�t hurt his reputation?
Kendra: He doesn�t think I�m a cross-dresser.  I�m tougher than you are, and I�m a woman! (Jumps up on him and tackles him.)
Ozzy: Help!  Murder!
Kendra: Screw you!  Besides, don�t you even know you�re supposed to yell �Fire� in an emergency?  You moron!  (Starts slapping him.)
Ozzy: Help! Murder!  I mean fire!!
(Enter Eddie, Cornelius, Roxy, Glen, and servants.)
Eddie: Hey!  Knock it off!  (Wearing a shirt with �GUARD� written on back, separates the two.)  Cool it!
Kendra: What�s wrong?  Are you chicken?  Come and get me, boy! (Ozzy lunges toward Kendra.)
Glen: Back off!  Whoever makes the next move is toast!  Capisce?  Now, explain�what�s the matter?
Roxy: The guy is Gabby�s fan club leader and the girl-guy thing is Daddy�s, ahem, friend.
Cornelius: So, what are you fighting over?  (Long silence.) Speak!
Ozzy: I�m out of breath, sir.
Kendra: No shit!  You�re weak as spaghetti.
Ozzy: Ooh, nice one.  Yeah�look at me.  I�m spaghetti.  I�m so ashamed.  Watch out for spaghetti boy!
Cornelius: You�re a strange, strange man.
Kendra: Ya, damn straight he�s a �
Cornelius: That�s enough out of you.  How did your fight start?
Ozzy: This broad here, whose life I spared because of her old age �
Kendra: You sonuvabitch.  That wasn�t necessary.  Sir, if you let me, I will finish this asshole right now.  Saved by my age, grandpa? 
Cornelius: STOP IT!  Miss, don�t you have any respect?
Kendra: Yeah, well, I�ve got quite a bit of anger, too.
Cornelius: Why?
Kendra: Because a loser like him is a leader of a fan club, and he�s so rude and dishonest.  And he thinks he�s all that just because he fucks Gabby everyday � that homewrecker.  And now he smiles and laughs at me, like I�m the village idiot.  If I could, I�d punch you all the way to the moon!
Cornelius: Are you crazy?
Glen: Now, tell us, did you two get off on the wrong foot?
Kendra: I�ve hated him from the beginning.  He�s a little fucker.
Cornelius: Why is he a �fucker?�  What did he do?
Kendra: I dunno. I just don�t like his face.
Cornelius: Well, what if you didn�t like mine, or his, or hers?
Kendra: I�m a very blunt lady.  And, quite frankly, you all have ugly faces.
Cornelius: Wow.  You are blunt.  Well, ladies and gentlemen, here is a *cough* lady who cannot lie or flatter.  She has to tell the freakin� truth.
Kendra: Sir, in all sincerity and under the influence of your great power like �
Cornelius: Alright already.  Get to the point.
Kendra: Well, sir, I�m not a flatterer.  I never meant to make you mad.  
Cornelius: What did you do to her Ozzy?
Ozzy: Nothing.  After a recent misunderstanding, this �lady� and James tried to beat me up.  Before I know it, I�m on the ground being hit and insulted.  Of course, that made her such a heroine to James � for attacking an innocent man.  In all the excitement, she tried to hurt me again today.
Kendra: You think you know everything, don�t you, Cornelius?  But did you know that your fianc� couldn�t give a fuck whether you�re alive or not?  It doesn�t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.
Cornelius: That�s it!  Get my laptop.  I�m going to ruin your life � you�ll wish you never stepped foot in my house!  I�ll teach you a lesson you�ll never forget.
Kendra: I�m too pretty to learn.  Besides, I came on behalf of James Montgomery, the oil tycoon.  Famous oil tycoon, that is.  Anything you do to me will reflect upon his reputation.  
Cornelius: Get my laptop!  I know a lot of people in high places who will destroy your reputation.  And if James� goes down with yours, so be it.  Your reputation will be ruined by noon!
Roxy: By noon?  Why not right now?
Kendra: Right now?  You�d treat a dog better than me!
Roxy: I�d treat every other bitch the same way � don�t think you�re so special!
Cornelius: Roxy, this is the kind of friend of James that Gabby told us about.  Now, where the fuck is my laptop?  How many times do I have to ask? (Laptop is brought out.)
Glen: You know, I really don�t think you should be doing this.  I�m sure she didn�t know any better. J-James will teach her a lesson.  I�m s-sure.  James will be made at you, for real on the real.
Cornelius: You�re not going to get in trouble, Glen.  I�ll be the one responsible for all this.
Roxy: Gabby would be so upset if she found out her this mutant abused her Ozzy.  Let�s tie her up while you do your work. (Roxy ties Kendra to a chair.)
Cornelius: Alright, let�s finish the job.  (Starts typing on laptop, and exits when he�s done.)
Glen: Umm�ma�am, I�m really sorry about all this.  You know how Cornelius is when he�s angry.  I�ll see what I can do to help you.
Kendra: No, sir, I don�t need help.  I�ll get through this on my own.  I�ve always wanted a little publicity for my massage parlor.
Glen: Well, it was all Cornelius� fault � not mine.
Kendra: Gee, they could probably untie me soon.  I wonder what he did to ruin my rep, anyway.  It couldn�t be too bad.  I mean, I�m pretty easy-going.  I can handle anything.  Maybe I can just rest my eyes here for a bit.  Not like I have anywhere to be. (Yawns.) Goodnight, moon.
2.3 Paul in a van down by a river.
Paul: I know this is the only place to go � thanks to the help of my friend, Matt Foley � motivational speaker.  He escaped the cops several times by living in a van down by the river.  I need a good disguise that is totally unlike me � I need scary, big, bad�funny.  What would Matt do?  I know!  Man, where would I be today without Saturday Night Live in the 90s? (Walks out of van looking like Matt Foley.) Ok, I�m ready.  Wait�gotta practice the voice.  I�m Matt Foley.  Don�t do drugs or you�ll end up living in a van down by the river.  Like me.  Ok, kids?  Hey � that was good!  Oh Foley, be with me because I am nothing as myself.  (Retreats to van.)
2.4 Glen�s house
James: I wonder where Kendra is.  Shouldn�t she be back by now?  And where is everyone else?
Gentleman: Last night, I heard they were going to stay home and watch reruns of old western movies. (They break into house.)
Kendra: James!  There you are!
James: What are you doing in there?  We were worried sick!
Kendra: Well, it�s not like I asked to be tied up!
Carey: Haha!  That�s not what my last girlfriend used to say!
James: Who did this to you?
Kendra: Your daughter and future son-in law.
James: No.
Kendra: Yes.
James: It can�t be.
Kendra: It is.
James: They wouldn�t.
Kendra: They did.
James: No way, Jose.
Kendra: Yes way, Josefina.
James: They wouldn�t do such a thing.  They could not AND would not do it.  They wouldn�t disrespect me like that � it�s worse than murder.  What could you have done to get yourself into a situation like this?
Kendra: James, dear, I delivered your letters.  When I got there, a hairy, sweaty man came with a letter from Gabby.  When they read her letter, some of them got up and left.  They told me to follow them, but, well, I couldn�t exactly move.  So, here I stay.
Carey: Wow.  That�s pretty brutal.
James: (Pats his forehead with a handkerchief.) Oh, dear Lord.  I�m going crazy.  Help me.  Save me, Lord.  Where is this so-called daughter of mine?
Kendra: In the basement with Cornelius.
Casey: Wonder what they were doing!
James: Stay here.  I�ll be back. (Exits)
Gentleman: Are you sure you didn�t do anything to upset them?
Kendra: I swear!  So, why didn�t more of James� friends come?  I was supposed to meet them today.
Carey: If you got tied up for asking that question, you deserve to be there.
Kendra: What do you mean?
Carey: Why should anyone follow James now?  He doesn�t have any money, he sold his house, he sold his oil business, his daughters hate him � his life is pretty much crap right now.  He�s falling apart fast � do you want to be dragged down with him?  Believe you me, sweetheart, you don�t want to get too close with that lowlife.
Kendra: Where did you learn to talk like that?  About your own uncle!
Carey: Not in the tabloids.  (Throws down several magazines with Kendra and James on front.  Headlines read �Oil Tycoon and his TV Lover,� etc.)
(Enter James and Glen.)
James: Won�t talk to me?  �They�re sick.  They�re tired.  They were up all night.�  What a load of crap.  Damn excuses!  Get me a better answer!
Glen: James, you know how Cornelius can be.  He�s a stubborn old mule.  He won�t change his mind.
James: Bullshit!  I don�t give a damn how stubborn he is.  I would talk to them any day, even if I were tired and crabby.
Glen: Well, I�ve told them that.
James: You told them?  Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?
Glen: Well, I do speak English, so I guess so.
James: The great oil tycoon would speak with Cornelius.  The father would speak with little Roxy.  Do they know that?  You tell Cornelius right not that � wait, not yet.  Maybe he is sick.  Yes, that explains it.  Of course Cornelius would talk to me if he were healthy.  How absolutely foolish of me to think otherwise. 
Glen: Actually, he�s very healthy.  He just got back from a two-mile jog.
James: Then I�m sure tying up Kendra was just a joke.  Now, go tell Roxy and Cornelius that I�ve figured out their game and would like to speak with them.  Now!  Tell them to come here right this second � and don�t stop �til they come.
Glen: (Looks at tabloids and sighs) Fair enough. (Exits.)
James: I really wish I could do something about all this.  I think my health is at stake.  My heart hurts.
Carey: Umm�want some beer?  (Enter Roxy, Cornelius, Glen, and servants.)
James: Well, hello.  Glad you could come � ya know, with you being so tired and all.
Cornelius: (Shakes James� hand.) Well, I�m so honored to talk with you, as you�re so *cough* powerful.
James: Tickle in your throat?
Cornelius: (Clears throat.) Yes, that�s it.  (Unties Kendra.)
Roxy: I�m so glad you�re here, Daddy.
James: Well, I believe you truly are.  I mean, if you weren�t glad, you would no longer be my daughter, what with my crazy temper and all.  (To Kendra) Are you ok, hun?  We have much more time to tie you up again tonight. (Winks)  But, Roxy, back to you.  Your sister is so rude.  She wants to control my every move.  I could barely talk to you here.  Roxy, you wouldn�t believe how horrible she�s been!
Roxy: Oh, Daddy.  You just can�t see how well she treated you.  When will you start appreciating?
James: What?!?
Roxy: I know Gabby never would treat you like that intentionally.  I�m sure she had a good reason to stop your wild parties.
James: I hate her.
Roxy: Daddy, you�re getting old.  You need to be led by people who care for you and understand your condition.  So, why don�t you go back to Gabby�s house and apologize?
James: Apologize?  Do you know how bad that looks in the public eye? (Kneels) �Dearest Gabby, I�m an old fart.  Old people like me are worthless.  Please forgive me and just send me off to a nursing home.�
Roxy: That�s great, Daddy.  Now, go back to Gabby�s.
James: No way!  She�s banned all my friends from her house.  She talks back to me, tells me how to live my life � I can�t stand her!
Cornelius: Jimmy, settle down.
James: God, just kill Gabby now!  She�s too selfish and conceited to have a life!  KILL HER!!
Roxy: Oh Daddy!  I�m sure you�ll just wish me dead when the mood strikes you!
James: No, dear.  You�ll always be my favorite child.  She�s a rough, insensitive bitch � you�re a young, gentle, loving sweetheart.  She just kicked me out � but you respect your role as daughter.  Don�t forget the beautiful apartment I bought for you.
Roxy: Yeah, yeah � what�s your point?  (Doorbell rings.)
James: Who did this to my Kendra? (Picks up tabloid.)
Cornelius: Oh, sounds like someone�s here.
Roxy: It must be Gabby.  She e-mailed me saying that she�d be here.  (Enter Ozzy.)  Is your goddess here?  
James: This is the puny little slave who follows my former daughter around like a dog on a leash.  Get out of my sight!
Cornelius: Now, James, what do you want?
James: Who did this to my little cupcake?  Roxy, I hope you didn�t have a hand in this.  I know you�re a sweetheart.  (Enter Gabby) Who�s there?  (Turns around.) Oh shit.  Aren�t you ashamed to even look at me?
Gabby: How have I offended you? You�re too messed up to judge me.
James: Enough! Just tell me who did this to Kendra!  (Shakes the tabloid.)
Cornelius: I did.  But she deserved it.
James: You?
Roxy: Daddy, I have a compromise.  You stay with Gabby for the rest of the month.  Then, if you only have half of your friends at a party at any given time, then you can stay with me for the next month.  I�d let you stay with me now, but I�m not at home either.  You understand, I�m sure.
James: Return to her house?  And just lose half of my friends?  I�d rather be tarred and feathered.  Return with her?  I�d rather beg Francis to bring back Olivia.  Return with Gabby?  You must be crazy!
Gabby: It�s your decision, Daddy.
James: Gabby, don�t upset me.  I�m not trying to bother you.  I�ll leave you alone.  Goodbye.  I�ll never see you again.  But you�re still my daughter � or rather a biological obligation.  I never wanted you, but I can�t just forget you.  I�ll go home with Roxy where all my friends are welcome.
Roxy: Well, not exactly, Daddy.  I�m not ready for you to come over yet.  You know, I have a sink full of dirty dishes, and there�s some dusting to do, and I haven�t gotten the guest room ready.  Just listen to Gabby � she knows what�s best for you.
James: Is that right?
Roxy: I swear it�s all true.  Besides, what wrong with just fifty friends over at one time?  It�s not like you can�t party at their houses.  And isn�t it a fire hazard to have so many people in one house?  Not to mention the cost of food and drink.  When beer�s involved, it�s hard to keep control.
Gabby: Besides, you�re friendly with all my fans � you can party with them.  They�re fun yet responsible.
Roxy: That�s right.  If they weren�t welcoming to you, we�d whip them into shape.  And if you come to my house, I�ll only allow 25 friends.  So you�re better off staying with Gabby.
James: But � but � I gave you so much!  Nothing in return?
Roxy: I know, Daddy.  But rules are rules.
James: I trusted you and protected you.  And now I can only have parties with 25 people?  That�s it?
Roxy: That�s what I said.
James: Well, I guess I�ll choose the lesser of two evils. (To Gabby) I guess I�ll go with you.  You�re twice as loving as her.
Gabby: Oh, no, I�m not losing this game, Roxy.  Daddy, why do you need 25 friends at my house?  Why even ten?  Or five?  I have enough fan clubbers to entertain you.
Roxy: Why need one?
James: Who cares what I need?  Even beggars have more than they need!  Do you know how pointless life is without friends?  You are taking away my most precious treasures � the only joy in my life.  You two are just horrible!  Wickedly evil!  You think I�m going to cry now because I�m childless � but I�m stronger than t hat.  I don�t need you.  (Thunder)  I�ll go crazy before I cry.  (Exit James, Carey, Kendra, and Glen.)
Cornelius: Let�s go.  A storm is coming.
Roxy: This house is small � Daddy and his friends can�t stay here.
Gabby: Ya know, it�s all his fault.  He needs to get a taste of his own medicine.  (To door where James left) How do you like it, Daddy?
Roxy: If it were just him, I�d let him stay.  But it�s always this friend or that old college buddy that just has to stay over.
Gabby: Same here.  Where�s Glen?
Roxy: He went with Daddy.  (Enter Glen.) Or not.
Glen: Your father is very upset.
Cornelius: Where�s he going?
Glen: They�re in the car, but I don�t know where they�re going.
Cornelius: Just let him go.
Gabby: You better not let him come back, Glen.
Glen: But it�s cold outside and so windy.  And so cold.
Roxy: Oh well.  Lock your doors.  His friends are crazy drunkards, and we don�t need them.
Cornelius: Yes.  Lock your doors.  It�s going to be a wild night.  Roxy is right � come out of the storm.

Act Three

3.1 Kendra and Gentleman at motel
Kendra: Who is it?
Gentleman: Me.
Kendra: I know you.  Where�s James?
Gentleman: Trying to start the car.  That damn storm always messes up the car � bad engine.
Kendra: Is he alone?
Gentleman: Nah, Carey�s trying to help.
Kendra: I have to tell you something � I just can�t keep it to myself!  Alexander and Cornelius are fighting again.  And everyone knows � including Francis.  He�s still mad that James gave up Olivia. He sees her cry every night and apparently had to do something about it.  So, when he found out about this riff in our family, he knew it was the perfect time to strike.  Now, here�s where you come in.  If you go to New York City, you�ll find some people who will help you.  They�ll understand James� pain. Will you help?
Gentleman: Umm�can we talk this over some more?
Kendra: No!  I know you don�t trust me, but�here, take my purse.  If you see Olivia in NYC, show her the ring.  Then she�ll tell you who I am.  Now, excuse me, I have to talk to James.
Gentleman: Wait!  That�s it?  Just go to NYC?  Where in NYC?  It�s a big city, ya know.  Don�t I get any more help?
Kendra: Ok, just this final thought.  Godspeed. (Exit)
3.2 (James and Carey at car)
James: Argh!  Damn storm!  You broke my fuckin� car!
Carey: Ya know, if you want the car to work, you probably shouldn�t be yelling at the storm.  Speaking of getting more bees with sugar than vinegar, you really should apologize to Gabby and Roxy.  
James: I don�t care!  I�ll yell at the storm if I want to.  And I�ll do whatever I want with my daughters.  If I wanted to apologize, I would.
Carey: Hey, can you pass that ratchet thing or whatever that doodad is right there?
James: The screwdriver?
Carey: Sure, if that�s what you call it.
(Enter Kendra)
James: Wow, you really need a father figure, Carey.
Kendra: Who�s there?
Carey: Yeah, you�re probably right, nuncle.
Kendra: James?  Are you here?  This is such a bad storm � why don�t you come inside?  It�s cold out here.
James: No, I�m a man � I can handle any storm.
Kendra: But you don�t even have a hat on!  Your bald head will get cold.  C�mon, there�s a room right over here.  Carey, you can go stay in that van by the river.  James needs to relax by himself � or with me  -- for awhile.
James: Leave Carey all by himself?  C�mon, Carey.  Are you ok?  Cold?  I�m cold too.  
Carey: Let me just finish this thing I�m do with the � what do you call? � screwdriver? See you in a bit.
James: Ok, Kendra.  Let�s go to the room. (Exit with Kendra)
Carey: This isn�t so bad.  La la la.  I�m cold and tired, but I�m a good worker.  (Whistles to �Whistle While You Work�)
3.3. (Glen and Eddie)
Glen: Eddie, I don�t like what�s going on here.  When I asked them to leave so I could help James, they just took over my whole house.  Cornelius is already eating Cheese Puffs on my chair.  And Roxy is reprogramming my computer.  Then they think they have the right to tell me to not even talk about James!
Eddie: That�s brutal.
Glen: I probably shouldn�t be telling you this, but Cornelius and Alexander are having a little disagreement � nothing to worry yourself over � I just don�t want to spur anymore arguments.  I got a letter today � keep this hush-hush, though � it�s locked away in my room.  Anyway, I heard Francis already has some Italian stallion guys from New Yawk.  They�re closing in on James.  We have to help him.  Ok, here�s the plan.  I�m going to go out and find him. But you, on the other hand, have five fingers and MUST stay here.  Talk with Cornelius and all � tell him some crazy story about where I am.  No, tell him I�m sick and am sleeping.  I need to save James � if I don�t, no one else will.  If I die for it, know that I am a martyr for peace and justice.  Be careful, Eddie, there are some strange things going on.  (Exit)
Eddie: Well, well, well�Cornelius, I�m sure, is just dying to hear of Daddy Dearest�s latest adventure. And that mysterious letter, too � where did he say it was?  His bedroom?  Probably right next to his stack of pornos underneath his bed.  Sorry, Dad, but this is how it�s gonna be from now on � me on top of the world!  (Stretches his arms out above the balcony and falls off it, falling only a foot.)  God!!  Why do I always fall whenever I�m feeling cocky?
3.4 (James, Kendra, Carey near van by river)
Kendra: Here it is, James.  An empty van.  Go ahead and step into a secret paradise made for you and me.  You shouldn�t stay out in weather like this.  Ugh�I�m so mad that they kicked you out of the hotel for indecent exposure.  You just had to pee.  Can you be to blame for faulty toilets?
James: Leave me alone.
Kendra: Just step in here � ok, hun?
James: I don�t want to.
Kendra: Get in the van!
James: I�m not in a good mood right now.  I got kicked out for my horniness!  Is it so wrong that a lovely woman like you turns me on?
Kendra: Of course not.  Just get in the van.  (Tries to guide him in)
James: I can do it myself.  The rain�s not gonna kill me.  (To Carey) Why don�t you go in first?
(Carey shakes his head.)  No, really�go in.  I just need some alone time out here.  Then I�ll come in to sleep.  (Carey goes in)  Oh, God, why did this all happen?  Whoever had to live here was probably in pretty bad condition.  Take a look at those seat covers � so �60s hippie style!  My problems can�t be so bad compared to his.  I wish I could feel just like he did � just once.
Paul: (From inside of van) Augh!!!!  The flood of Noah!  What should I do?  Poor Tom, what did you do to yourself?  (Slaps head.)
Carey: Hey, James?  Might not want to go in there.  There�s a crazy fat guy.
Kendra: James�come hold me!  Who is that crazy freak?
Carey: A ghost?  (Laughs)  His name is �Poor Tom�.  
Kendra: Who are you?  Come here.  (Enter Paul)
Paul: Get out of here!  My name is Matt Foley and I live in a van down by the river.  
James: Did you mortgage your house for your daughters, too?
Paul: No, I�m not cool enough to get married or have sex.  Besides, I wouldn�t have anything to give to a daughter.  I�m just the poor motivational speaker whom nobody hires unless they�re broke.  Unless Matt from the Real World cancelled.  Argh!!  (Falls on card table and it breaks, storm stops.)
James: (To Carey) Did his daughters make him this weird?
Carey:  No, he said he didn�t have any daughters, remember?  Guess not.  He�s a poor old loser.
James: Everything bad comes from daughters.
Carey: HE DOESN�T HAVE ANY DAUGHTERS!
James: No, it was his daughters.  Nothing else could bring a man this low � look at those rust stains on the hubcaps.
Carey: What are hubcaps?
James: (Sighs) Why are kids these days so ungrateful?
Paul: Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch �
Carey: (Trying to change subject) Man, this weather sure is crazy.
Paul: Thou shalt not commit adultery.  Thou shalt not kill.  Thou shalt not steal.  Thou shalt now bear false �
James: (Clears throat) So, Tom, what do you do?
Carey: (Aside) Does he ever listen?!?
Paul: I�m a motivational speaker.  I was so � motivating � until my wife, Berthie, left me.  It all went downhill since then.  I lost my hair, packed on the pounds, and now I live in a van cerca del rio!  Not I�m stealing pizzas to stay alive! (Storm gets louder)
James: You�d be better off dead now with this weather.  This is what it all comes down to � living in a van.  Well, James, this is life for ya now!
Carey: James, life can be better than this.  (Points to Paul.) But wait�did you say you steal pizzas?
Paul: Yes, I did.
Carey: Ooh, what kind?
Paul: I like pepperoni with�
(Enter Glen)
Kendra: Somebody�s here!
James: Who?
Kendra: Whoever you are � reveal yourself!  (James strips down) Not you, you idiot.
Glen: (Steps forward) Hey guys.  It�s me.
Paul: Poor me.  All I get to eat tonight is a cold slice of four-cheese pizza.  Not even extra chunky sauce or anything.  Woe is me.  Be careful everyone.  I�m outta here.
Glen: Where are you off to?  Got a hot date or something?
Paul: I wish. 
Glen: Don�t pity yourself.
Paul: But I�m cold.
Glen: (To James) Come with me.  I can�t take it anymore.  Your daughters are selfish, conceited, bossy, stupid little� Well, I won�t say it.  But get this � they want me to lock my doors so you can�t come in.  They want you to suffer in this storm!  But I came to find you.  You need to come back.
James: Let me talk to my little psychic friend for a minute.  (Dials Miss Cleo on cell phone.)  Cleo, what is the origin of the storm?
Miss Cleo: (In Jamaica) What do I look like?  A meteorologist?  If you have love problems, marital problems, or problems of the heart, call me now!
James: Uh�ok.  I just did call you.  (Hangs up) Kendra, what�s the origin of the storm?
Kendra: I don�t know.  James, just go with him.
James: Hmm�I need a second opinion.  Matt � what�s your major?
Paul: Oh, just some entomology/extermination stuff.
James: I need to talk to you alone for a moment.  (They leave)
Kendra: He�s crazy.  He really is.
Glen: Can you blame him?  I mean, his daughters want to kill him.  And his gay friend, Kenneth, was the only one who tried to prevent all this.  He got yelled at by James, though � they�re not talking.  He was really gay, too.  He had the little snap in his walk, the accent, the hand thing (Does hand thing).  Touch�.  He was so incredibly gay �
Kendra: Ok, I get it.
Glen: But James really does have a reason to be upset.  I mean, I had a son who threatened my life � he was the world�s best son, too.  He went to Bible study groups, valedictorian, captain of the chess club � he had everything going for him.  With the recent death threat, well, I think I�m going crazy.
(In van)
James: Nice place ya got here.
Paul: Would it kill you to put some clothes on?
James: Well, yes it would.
Paul: Could you at least keep that thing down?
James: Hey, it has a mind of its own.
Paul: But it�s cold in here.
Kendra: (Peeks head in) Hey!  You ready to go?
James: I�m staying with Matt.
Glen: Bring him with us.
Kendra: Sure, come with us.
James: (Grabs Matt�s hand) Let�s go!  (They start whooping and chanting �Road trip, road trip��)
Glen: Hey, keep it down!
Paul: Sing along time!  (Starts singing Britney Spears � �One More Time�)
3.5 (Glen�s house)
Cornelius: I will have such sweet revenge before I leave today.
Eddie: How?
Cornelius: Now I can see why your brother would want to kill him.
Eddie: Well, to add more fuel to the fire, which I don�t really want to do � seeing as though he�s my dad and all.  But, well, here�s the note from my dad � it proves he�s taking sides.  I wish I didn�t have to report this.  I�m sorry.  (Hands over the letter.)
Cornelius: Let�s show this to Roxy.
Eddie: If everything in the letter is true, well, you have your work cut out for you.
Cornelius: Either way, it�s made you head of the household and your dad�s company.  Go find your dad, so we can arrest him.
Eddie: Wait � head of my dad�s company?  I just wanted the inheritance.
Cornelius: That is the inheritance.  Oh, did he fool you with the whole �I�ll-give-you-enough-inheritance-so-you-can-go-to-an-Ivy-League-school� spiel?  He was just kidding.  You�ll be president of Shakespearean Bookmark Company.  
Eddie: Are you kidding me?  (To self) When I find him, he is so going down.  God, his company�s worth like $200.  That�ll buy me a nice plastic ring for Gracie.  That�s crap.
Cornelius: Now, I trust you will bring your dad to me � I�m much more loving than your old daddy.  Go on, Eddie.  (Slaps Eddie�s butt, exit Eddie.)
3.6 
Glen: (Picks at window curtain, disgustedly) Well, it�s better in here than out there.  I suppose I could try to make it look better.  I mean, it�s better than singing Kumbaya with that guy. (Motions to Paul)  I�ll be back.
Kendra: I can see why Matt went crazy.  Gawd, this is simply horrendous.  Thanks for trying to help him.  (Exit Glen, Enter James, Paul & Carey)
Paul: When I was growing up, no, I didn�t have half the luxuries kids have today, ya hear?  They got it all�(Continues blabbing)
Carey: (In SNL rap style) So who�s crazier � you or Matt?
James: It�s me.  It�s me.
Carey: I said, so who�s crazier � you or Matt?
James: It�s me.  It�s me.
Carey & James: Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  CRAZY GUYS!!
James: At least you�re not crazy, eh?
Carey: Yeah�no�I mean, huh?
James: Nevermind.
Paul: (In Homer Simpson voice) I need �za!  Pepperoni�sausage�
Carey: I�m hungry now!
Kendra: Matt, maybe you should lay down.  Here, sit on the sofa.  (Matt lies down) Or lay down.  Either one.  Just go to bed. (Matt snores � very fake sounding)  Wow, he�s asleep.  That was easy.
Carey: I didn�t eat dinner yet.  I need some nachos!  
James: Shh � let�s go.  We should sleep, too.  We can eat supper in the morning.
Carey: Oh � then I�ll just sleep at noon.  Kendra, wanna keep me company tonight?
Kendra: Uh, no thanks. (Enter Glen)
Glen: (Urgently) Hey, guys.  Where�s James?
Kendra: Right in front of you�duh!  But you better not bother him � he�s CA-RAZY! (Said like Molly Shannon on SNL)
Glen: Oh, please take care of him.  I heard someone say there was a plot to kill him.  Why don�t you drive him to D.C.?  I warmed your car.  Hurry, please!  If you don�t leave now, his life could be in SERIOUS danger!  Go, Go!!
Kendra: Carey, come get your uncle up.  And put some clothes on him.  Let�s go.  (Exit all but Paul.)
Paul: I feel so bad for James.  He had everything going for him.  Now he�s just insane.  I hope he makes it safely to Washington D.C.  (Exit)
3.7 Glen�s House
Cornelius: (To Gabby) Hey, Gabs.  Can you give this letter to your husband? (Said nastily)  Francis is planning to, ahem, attack.  (To Fan Club) Go find Glen.  (Exit fan clubbers)
Roxy: When you find him, shoot him 20 times!
Gabby: Burn him on a cross!
Cornelius:  Um, how about not?  I know what I�m doing.  Eddie, why don�t you go with Gabby?  You shouldn�t watch your father�s death.  Tell Alex to get ready, as will we.  Go on, now, Fabby.  Bye, sir Eddie.  (Enter Ozzy) Excuse me, where�s James?
Ozzy: Well, let me tell you!  I found him with Glen at the airport with tickets to D.C. Apparently he has all his cronies lined up.
Cornelius: Go get the car ready for Gabby.  (Exit Ozzy)
Gabby: Bye, Corny-poo, Roxy-poo.  (Does double-cheek kiss on both.)
Cornelius: Eddie�(Does macho-man handshake) Godspeed.  (Exit Eddie & Gabby.) Ugh�you guys, I told you ALL to look for Glen.  Don�t just sit there playing Cat�s Cradle and eating your granola bars.  (They stop eating and playing.) Get outta here.  I know, I know, we should talk to the police, but they don�t understand how we work things out.  Trust me.  (Enter Glen and Fan clubbers)  Oh, look who we have here.
Roxy: What an ungrateful bastard he is!
Cornelius: Tie him up.
Glen: What do you mean?  Is this how you act when I open my house to you and give you food, drink, and shelter?  You are the ungrateful ones.
Cornelius: I SAID TIE HIM UP! (Fan clubbers bind him.)
Roxy: Cut off his circulation!
Glen: Shut up, you little � You�re so lucky I�m this kind to you.
Cornelius: Tie him up TIGHTLY to this chair. (Roxy pierces Glen�s right ear)
Glen: Hey!  Don�t you know that only gay guys get their right ears pierced?  I swear I�m not gay!
Roxy: Well, it looks natural on you.  Speaking of which, where�s Mrs. Glen Patooky?
Glen: Don�t threaten MY sexual orientation.  If you want sex problems, look at how much you and Gabby just love-love-loved little old Daddy-o.  How dare you treat me, YOUR HOST, like this!  (Nervously) What are you g-gonna do t-to me?
Cornelius: Enough of the bantering, you two.  Now, Glen � 
Roxy: (Pretending to cough) Gay Glen!
Cornelius: Actually, my dear, it�s �Gaywad Glen�.
Roxy: Oh yeah, isn�t that what Kenneth used to call him?
Cornelius: Oh yes, and you know what remarkable gay-dar he has.  But back to my question � Glen, tell me � what kinds of letters have you gotten from Francis?
Roxy: You might as well tell the truth because we know what�s going on.
Cornelius: And how do you know that traitor?
Roxy: Yeah, the traitor to whom you sent James.  I know he has friends in D.C.  The Oldenburg�s have quite the connections!
Glen: I got a letter from a spy in New York.
Cornelius: Well, how ingenious!
Roxy: And false.
Cornelius: Where did you send James?
Glen: To D.C. 
Cornelius: Why to D.C.?  I mean, it�s not like he�d be very safe in terrorist bull�s-eye.  Wouldn�t you think � 
Cornelius: One question at a time, Roxy.  So, why to Washington?
Roxy: D.C.?
Glen: I�m not at liberty to say.
Roxy: WHY TO D.C.?
Glen: Because I didn�t want to see his daughters hurt him!  You�d probably do something horrible like throw acid in his eyes.
Cornelius: Ooh, good idea.  You�d be so good at being evil.  What went wrong?  But maybe we should practice it before we get to James.  Wouldn�t want things to go wrong! Glen, you can be our guinea pig.  Roxy � get the acid!
Roxy: Uh � I left it at home.
Cornelius: Geez!  You should NEVER leave the acid behind when you�re embarking on an evil getaway.  What were you thinking?
Roxy: How about some crayon wax?
Cornelius: Crayon wax?
Roxy: Yeah, there�s a boiling vat of it on the stove here.
Cornelius: How convenient.  Let�s try it.  (Picks up the pot.)
Glen: No, please don�t!  Stop!  (Cornelius throws it at Glen�s face, which is turned away.  Wax only gets in one eye.)
Roxy: Oh, drat!  We only got one eye!
Fan Clubber: Cornelius, please stop!  I�ve known you for quite awhile now, but please don�t make me change my opinion of you.  Please stop!
Roxy: Oh, shut up, you wannabe-philosopher-teenybopper!
Fan Clubber: Why you little � (Goes after Roxy)
Cornelius: Come and fight a real man! (Grabs his gun)
Fan Clubber: Bring it on, bitch! (Pulls out own gun.)
Roxy: Fan Clubber, give me your gun!  How can you even think of fighting, let alone winning against this prince? (Takes his gun and shoots, killing F.C.)
Fan Clubber: Ow.  I�m slain.  Glen, at least you have one eye left to see the good in the world, but not in here.  Peace out!  (Dies)
Cornelius: Oh, I�m not done with you, Glen.  (Pours wax into other eye) 
Glen: Oh, I can�t see!  My eyes are burning!  Get me my good son, Eddie!  Eddie!  Seek revenge on these traitors!
Roxy: Poor Glen.  Haven�t you ever realized that Eddie hates you?  He�s the one who turned you in.
Glen: Oh my gawd!  Then Paul was the good son!  Oh God � please forgive me for I have sinned.  (Does sign of the cross and shoots at Cornelius with gun found on ground.)
Roxy: Get that babbling fool out of here.  He can hitchhike to D.C> for all I care.  (Exit Glen and body of  F.C.)  Cornelius, what�s wrong?
Cornelius: He shot my shoulder.  Roxy, make sure Glen is gone and kick out every last traitorous fan clubber.  Please, hold me as I die.
F.C. #2: He deserves to die.
F.C. #3: Well, Roxy isn�t any better.
F.C. #2: Let�s follow Glen.  Maybe someone else will help him.  (Exit)
F.C. #3: I�ll go get some Flintstones band-aids.  (Yelling) I�ll be right there.  (Exit)

Act Four

4.1
Paul: Man, I can�t believe how low I am.  My father wanted to kill me, then I see him trying to save J.  This doesn�t seem right.  I wish I could show my father who I am.  well, it can�t get any worse than this.  (Enter Glen & F.C.)  Who is that over there?  His face is all yellow and blue and magenta.  Geez, did he have a play-doh accident or something?  Wait  -- it looks like my dad.  Yeah, the same limp in his left leg.  Oh my gawd!
F.C.: Glen, I�ve known you for so long.
Glen: I don�t care.  Go away!  Nothing can help me now.  I won�t be your burden.
F.C.: But you can�t see!
Glen: It�s not like I have anywhere to go!
F.C.: (Hears rustle in the trees) Who�s there?
Paul: What do I do now?
F.C. It�s just some crazy guy.
Paul: I guess things can get worse.  I mean, at least I�m alive.
F.C.: Hey, crazy man!  Where did ya go?
Glen: Is it a hobo?
F.C.: Yeah, he probably wants money.
Glen: Well, he�s sane enough to know the value of a buck.
F.C.: You can barely get a bottle of water for a buck.
Paul: What to do?  What to do?  What to do?  
Glen: Is that Matt Foley?
F.C.: You know him?
Glen: Well, sure.  Ya know (Does impression of Matt Foley), I live in a van down by the river.  I�m a motivational speaker.  (Falls backwards into a random coffee table in forest)
F.C.: Ok, settle down, buddy.
Glen: Why don�t you go back home, ok?  I�ll ask Matt Foley to take me to D.C.
F.C.: But he�s crazy!
Glen: Crazy�s better than an annoying prick of a teenyboppin� fan clubber.  Now, do as I say.  Or do as I�(looks in Braille thesaurus)�commanded.  Or, whatever, get out of here.
F.C.: You�re the rudest blind man I�ve ever met!
Glen: Hey!  Matt Foley!
Paul: Stay away � I�m cold.  (To self) Maybe I should help him.
Glen: Come here.
Paul: (To self) I can�t tell him who I am.
Glen: Do you know how to get to Washington D.C.?
Paul: By plane?  Car?  Bike?  Walking?  Boat?  I know them all.
Glen: Here, take my money.  I have more in the back. Get me to D.C.  You know your way around D.C., right?
Paul: Yes.
Glen: There�s a capital building there.  Take me to the top of it.  That�ll be my final destination.
Paul: (Grabs Glen�s arm) This way.  (Pts. To the left) I mean, to your left.  Do you know which way that is?  (Exit)
4.2 Gabby�s New House
Gabby: Hey, Ozzy!  I�m surprised I didn�t see Alex on my way here.  He was supposed to be planting a garden in the front yard.  Where is he?
Ozzy: Inside.  But let me tell you, he�s been acting strange.  I told him about Francis� plan and he seemed happy.  Then I told him you were coming home, and he was upset.  He�s almost the opposite of everything he used to be.
Gabby: (To Eddie) Eddie, why don�t you go back to Cornelius� house.  Tell him to get ready for the �attack� by Francis� mafia guys.  I�ll call you on your celly later today.  While you�re gone, wear this (Hands him a necklace with a picture of Gabby on it.).  I love you Eddie!  (Kisses him)
Eddie: I�ll be yours forever, Gabby.  (Exit)
Gabby: I wish I could have him.  Why did I have to marry Alex?
Ozzy: Gabby, he�s coming.  (Exit, Enter Alex)
Gabby: Fine, don�t say �hi� to me.
Alex: Gabby, I don�t want to waste my breath on you.  You�re not worth it.
Gabby: Shut up.
Alex: You shut up.  You�re just angry because I�m telling the truth.
Gabby: Of course you�re telling the truth.  (Sarcastically) Sweet, honest, loyal Alexander would never lie.
Alex: At least I�m not a vain, pompous, princess-y bitch like somebody here.
Gabby: At least I�m not acting like � (Enter F.C.)
Alex: Hey, what�s new?
F.C.: (Gets out a little sheet of paper) Well, let�s see.  Cornelius died, killed by my fellow fan clubber.  He was shot after pouring the wax into Glen�s eyes.  
Alex: Glen�s eyes?
F.C.: Yeah, he was mad at Cornelius for doing it, so he shot Cornelius with his last breath.
Alex: How horrible. So, both of his eyes are out?
F.C.: Yes, Alex.  Both.  I have a letter for you, Gabby.  It�s from Roxy.
Gabby: (To self) Hmm�not too shabby.  But not Roxy is single again, and she�s alone with Eddie.  Shit!  (To F.C.) Give me the letter.  I�ll read it and write back.  In private, of course. (Exit)
Alex: Where was Eddie when they poured the wax?
F.C.: He came here with Gabby.
Alex: He�s not here.
F.C.: No, he was going back home again.
Alex: Does he know what happened?
F.C.: Of course.  He�s the one who turned in Glen.  He left so they could do whatever they wanted � didn�t even defend his own father.
Alex: Oh, poor Glen!  I wish I could thank him, though, for his loyalty to James.
4.3 Near D.C.
Kendra: So, why did Francis step off of us so suddenly?
F.C.: I guess there was something back home that he need to do.
Kendra: Well, who�s in charge now?
F.C.: (Sarcastically) Al Pacino.
Kendra: Hmm�I think I�ve heard of him.  What does Olivia think of all this?
F.C.: She�s pretty emotional.  
Kendra: Wow�I�m impressed!
F.C.: Impressed?
Kendra: I always thought she was an uptight hag.
F.C.: Wait�you know her?
Kendra: Well, umm, no.  Just from magazines and such.  But, umm, yeah, she was pretty upset?
F.C.: Oh yes!  But she�s not angry.  She has a tasteful sadness.  Very classy.  Like a diamond.
Kendra: Did she say anything?
F.C.: She screamed a few obscenities, and then she turned away and left for her room.  I could hear her crying buckets, though.
Kendra: I knew this would happen.  My horoscope called it.  So, you didn�t talk to her since then?
F.C.: Not since she left for her room.
Kendra: Did she read the letter before Francis came home?
F.C.: No, after.
Kendra: Well, James is almost here in D.C. and I know he won�t talk to Olivia.
F.C.: Why�s that?
Kendra: Pride.  Shame. Knows he made a mistake.  All of the above.  He won�t let her see him like this.
F.C.: Poor guy.
Kendra: So, did you hear from Alex or Eddie?
F.C.: Yeah.  They have all their mobs ready to fight.  
Kendra: Well, when James comes in, I want you to take care of him.  I�m sure I have some important thing to do at the White House.  Bye. (Exit)
4.4 Grand March in D.C.
Olivia: It�s him!  It�s him!  Over there!  The nearly naked guy!  Is that a loincloth?  Somebody � go get him! (Exit someone on float)  I can�t believe how�pathetic he is.  And to make such a scene at my Prom parade.
Student (In Doctor costume) Hey, I have some �herbal remedies� that could help him!
Olivia: Oh, please.  Nothing could help him.  Somebody, though � go find him.  (Enter F.C.)
F.C.: Olivia, your family�s gang is coming to trash the party.  Just thought you�d like to know.
Olivia: I know.  Oh, Francis, I�m so sorry for doing this � wherever you are.  I can�t leave my father like this.  I have to go help. (Jumps off of float and rolls to side of road.)
4.5 Glen�s House
Roxy: Is Alex ready to go?
Ozzy: His gang is in Washington D.C. right now.
Roxy: Is he there too?
Ozzy: Well, technically.  But he fights like a girl.
Roxy: Did Eddie talk to Alex?
Ozzy: Nope.
Roxy: Eddie left here pretty fast the other day.  With Glen being blinded and all.  I�m sorry to say it, but I don�t think we�ll ever see him again.
Ozzy: I have to give him this letter.
Roxy: Our gang is leaving tomorrow.  You should stay here, though.  It�s dangerous out there.
Ozzy: I don�t think I should.  I was given strict orders to deliver this letter.
Roxy: Why is she writing to him, anyway?  Can�t she just call his celly?  Or is she trying to be romantic or something.  Ugh, let me just open the letter!
Ozzy: Roxy, that�s not a good �
Roxy: I know she doesn�t love Alex.  I�m not stupid.  When she was here, I saw the �come-hither� looks she shot at him.  And I know you�re messing with her, too.
Ozzy: Me?
Roxy: Hello!  She and I are sisters.  I know everything.  With that in mind, I�ll ask you to take this   not.  Cornelius is dead.  Eddie and I have talked, and we decided that he and I are much more suitable for each other.  So, when you see Eddie, give him this letter.  When Gabby hears about it, she�ll be sooo jealous.  The she�ll know to back off of my man!  Oh, and if you see Glen, give him a little kick from me.
Ozzy: Oh, baby, if I see him, he�ll know whose side I�m on.
Roxy: Well, see ya. (Exits powdering her nose.)
4.6 At the capital�s parking lot
Glen: Am I at the top of the capital yet?
Paul: We�re going up now.
Glen: I don�t feel the elevator going up.
Paul: Oh, yes.  That gravity sure does something with the mind.  Don�t you hear the elevator working?
Glen: Not really.
Paul: Are you going deaf now, too?
Glen: Probably.  Even you sound different. You aren�t so�stupid.
Paul: I�m the same as I always was.
Glen: You sound smarter.
Paul: Umm�I think we�re here.  Careful now.  Watch your step!  We�re pretty high up.  I see our car way down there.  It looks like an ant.  And now one of those giant mutant ants you see in the movies.  Whoa!   I can�t look anymore � I might lose my lunch.
Glen: Can you lead me to the edge?
Paul: Yeah, give me your hand.  Damn, this is high!  You�re a foot from the edge.
Glen: Let go of me!  Here�s my wallet � it has a few bills and credit cards � do what you want with it. Now, go away.  I have to do this alone.
Paul: Good luck, sir.
Glen: Good luck?  I�m committing suicide, not taking my driver�s test, which I probably would fail under these conditions, ya know, my poor sight and, well, obvious blindness.  But I digress�if I had any luck, I wouldn�t be in this position, would I?
Paul: I guess not.  Umm�rest in peace?
Glen: Ok, that�s just morbid.  Can�t you say goodbye like a normal person?
Paul: Ok, bye.
Glen: God, I�m sorry, but I give up.  There�s nothing left of me!  I can�t believe what I�ve done � please take care of my good son, Paul.   Goodbye.  (Jumps forward and does bellyflop onto the concrete.)
Paul: (In new British accent) What is this?  Have we graduated from raining cats and dogs to full-sized humans?  Sir, are you ok?
Glen: Go away � I�m committing suicide.
Paul: I can�t just leave you.  You fell from the very top of the capital building down to this parking lot, and you�re still alive.  You�re a miracle!
Glen: I fell to the parking lot?  But I was only falling for about two seconds.
Paul: Maybe you fainted.  Or had a concussion.  Either way, I saw you fall from the top, and now you�re down here talking to me.  
Glen: I can�t see, so I�ll trust you.  Geez, I can�t even kill myself!
Paul: Here, let me help you up.  How do you feel?
Glen: Well, my beer belly hurts a little, but, other than that, I�m too healthy.
Paul: I can�t believe you just did that and survived!  How did you get up there in the first place?
Glen: Some guy named Matt Foley.
Paul: You must be blessed by God to have survived that fall.  It�s incredible!
Glen: I guess.
Paul: Now, this Matt Foley guy � is he normal?  When I looked up, I saw him run away with your wallet.  He looked like a criminal.
Glen: I remember what happened.  That guy wasn�t a criminal�I GAVE him my wallet.  He led me here.  He�s not the criminal you think he is.
Paul: I understand, just calm down.  (Enter James with mullet) Who is this?
James: They can�t arrest me for being cool!
Paul: Ugh!  How repulsive!  What a Southern hick style hairdo of the 80s!
James: Trendsetters are born, not made.  I happen to think I look handsome�it�s very becoming.
Paul: Oh please!
James: Shush!
Glen: I know that �shush�!
James: I am cool, even if Gabby and Roxy don�t think so!  They�re lying hypocrites.  They say one thing and then another.  When I discovered their true motives, they treated me like the enemy.  They told me I was everything, but I feel like nothing.
Glen: wait � is that�James?
James: Yeah.  Wait � what�s wrong with your eyes?  What did you do � have an affair?  No.  Who could have done this to you?  Your son, Eddie, is nicer than my daughters�couldn�t be him.  (Holds out his band) My nails need a trim.
Glen: Can I feel your hand?  I mean, I�m not trying to get kinky � you�re just the only familiar person here.
James: No, it smells like shit.  Ya know, these days, everyone uses their hand to wipe their ass � enough with that so-called �toilet paper.�
Glen: Oh.  Do you remember me?
James: Well, I remember your eyes.  Err, umm�your eye sockets.  Or umm�wax?  You�re that Glen guy.  Have I kicked you out of my house yet?
Glen: Umm�
James: Hey � where are we?  Can you read this map?
Glen: Umm�haven�t you noticed my eyes?
James: Not with all that damn wax on them.  So, let me get this straight � you can�t save, you gave all your money to a stranger when he helped you ATTEMPT SUICIDE, and yet you�re a philosopher now?
Glen: Well, now that you mention it, yes.  But I haven�t said anything philosophical.
James: How can you be a philosopher now if you can�t see anything?  You can�t see love or justice.  You�re blind!
Glen: Yes, I�m aware of that.  But I feel those things.
James: Hey, British guy!  Come take off my motorcycle boots!  Now!
Paul: What a goon! (Pulls off his boots.)
James: THANK YOU!  NOW, GLEN!  WE BOTH CAME HERE CRYING � OUR LIVES SUCK.  BUT WE�RE GOING TO LEAVE BETTER THAN EVER!
Glen: Can you stop screaming?
James:  SORRY, I CAN�T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE.  I mean, I can�t control the volume of my voice.  Where was I?  Oh yes, going to leave better than ever.  I�m going to preach to you now because this haircut gave me a lot of insight, let me tell you.
Glen: Oh my gosh!
James: We cry at birth � the harsh wind of reality.  Umm�that�s all I�ve got.  I�m only on the first page of my philosophy book.  But my last words will be �kill, kill, kill!� (Enter F. Clubbers)
F.C.: Oh, there you are!  Your daughter �
James: Is she okay?  Captured by the mafia?  Take me instead, please!
F.C.: Uhh�chill out please.
James: I will die bravely for my daughters.  Don�t you know who I am?  I�m a billionaire!
F.C.: We know � James Montgomery, oil tycoon.
James: Finally � somebody knows. I�ve been waiting this whole movie for someone to get it right.  (Exit running)
F.C.: What a horrible thing to see.
Paul: Umm�yeah.
F.C.: Did you want something?
Paul: Did you hear of any upcoming fights?
F.C.: Well, yeah, who hasn�t?
Paul: How close is Francis?
F.C.: Very close.
Paul: Okay, that�s all I want to know.
F.C.: Francis� girlfriend is still here for some reason, but the mafia is ready to fight.
Paul: Oh, thanks.  (Exit F.C.)
Glen: Oh, God � just kill me already.  I don�t want to have to commit suicide again.
Paul: Isn�t that noble!
Glen: So, what are you?
Paul: Just a good British gent who knows what it feels like to have no hope.  Now, let�s go to a shelter or something.
Glen: Oh, thank you!  God bless you!
Paul: (Confused) I didn�t sneeze.  (Enter Ozzy)
Ozzy: (Gun in hand) Well, what have we here?  You traitor!  Confess your sins, or you�ll go straight to hell!
Glen: You don�t have the guts!  (Paul jumps in)
Ozzy: Hey! Don�t help the traitor!  Let go of him!
Paul: Not unless there�s a valid reason why I should!
Ozzy: Let go or die!
Paul: Sir, just go home.  I�m only going to warn you once.
Ozzy: Fuck you!  (Paul gets out the gun that Eddie gave him earlier in the script, kills Ozzy)  Ow�you hurt me.  Please, take my fanny pack and letters.  Bury me and give these letters to Eddie Patooky.  Please, it�s important.  Ugh�I�m dead.  (Dies)
Paul: I knew him.  He was quite the man!
Glen: �Knew him�?  Is he dead?
Paul: That�s what he said.  Please, sir, sit here.  Let�s see these letters.  I may know whom the letters are for. God, forgive me for snooping! (Reads letter) �Dear Eddie-poo, You have to get rid of Alex.  He�s horrible in bed � everything, and I mean everything, is short.  Once you kill him, you and I can be together!  Please save me from another love session with �Shrimpy.� Love, Gabby.�  Wow � this is unbelievable!  How can she try to kill her own husband?  She is such a�how dare she!  Well, Alex is lucky I got this note.
Glen: James is crazy.  I wish I could be crazy; then I wouldn�t feel so depressed.
Paul: Let�s go, sir.  I think the fight is coming soon. (Exit)
4.7 Olivia, Kendra, Doctor, and Fan Clubber
Olivia: Oh, Kenneth. I can�t thank you enough for taking care of Daddy!
Kendra: Why, thank you.  Just being there for James is reward enough.
Olivia:  I hate this skirt.  (Looks down at skirt)  It reminds me of my �B.F.� days � �Before Francis�.
Kendra: Olivia, can you pretend you don�t know who I really am?  I can�t let James know yet.
Olivia: Of course, Kenneth.  (To Doctor) How�s my dad?
Dr: Still sleeping.
Olivia: God, please save my daddy!
Dr: Would you like me to wake him up?  He�s been sleeping for a long time.  
Olivia: Well, do what you think is best.  He is dressed, though, right?  (Enter James on a stretcher)
F.C.: Don�t worry; he�s fully dressed.
Dr.: Be careful when we wake him up � he still might be groggy.
Olivia: Fair enough.  (Turns on stereo.)
Dr.: Turn it up.  (Dances to music.)
Olivia: Oh, Daddy.  I�m so sorry for what Gabby and Roxy did to you.
Kendra: (Choked up) Aww�poor thing.
Olivia: Poor Daddy.  He�s awake!  Can I talk to him?
Dr.: No, I just dragged you in here to look at your father stirring around in his bed.  Of course you can look at him.
Olivia: Daddy, how are you?
James: Why did you wake me up?  I swear, the only time I�ll ever have peace and quiet is when I�m dead.
Olivia: Do you know who I am?
James: An angel.  When did you die?
Olivia He�s still insane!
Dr.: He�s barely awake.  Let him wake up for a little bit.
James: Where am I?  Am I dreaming?  (Pinches himself)  Nope, definitely not dreaming.  I kinda wish I knew where I was, though.
Olivia: Daddy, it�s me.  Do you have early Alzheimer�s?
James: Don�t mock me!  I�m over sixty years old, and I�m crazy!  I think I know you two ladies.  But I can�t even remember where I was last night.  Don�t laugh, but I think you�re my daughter Olivia.
Olivia: I am!  I am!
James: Oh, I meant the other one.  But, yes, now I remember�you are my daughter.  Are you crying?  Is that a poisoned drink there?  I�ll drink it if it is.  I know you don�t love me, so it would make sense for you to give me poison.
Olivia: No, it�s just coffee.
James: Am I in D.C.?
Olivia: No, you�re in Boston!
James: Don�t lie.
Dr.: Don�t lie.
Dr.: Ma�am, don�t worry about him.  He�s calming down a little after his lobotomy.  But please don�t try to fill him in on lost time.  Just let him relax.
Olivia: Can he walk?
James: Honey, will you forgive me for being so foolish before?  (Walk out together)
F.C.: Is Cornelius really dead?
Kendra: Yeah.
F.C.: Who�s leading his mafia?
Kendra: Glen�s son, Eddie.
F.C.: Really?  I heard he was in Florida having an affair with Kenneth.
Kendra: Not all rumors are true.  It�s time to prepare now.  Our well-being is at stake.
F.C.: I bet there are going to be more blood and guts than Grand Theft Auto 3!  Good luck, ma�am!  (Exit)

Act Five

5.1 Battle � Eddie, Roxy, F. Clubbers, Mafia)
Eddie: Hey!  Can somebody find out if Alex is fighting with us today or if he changed his mind?  I hate his diddling around.  Now hurry up!  (Exit F.C.)
Roxy: Ozzy must have gotten into trouble again.  I bet he�s been killed!
Eddie: Ha!  Doubt it!
Roxy: Eddie, tell me the truth � do you love Gabby?
Eddie: (Turns around wearing a pimp outfit) Oh, baby, I love her like a sister.
Roxy: Have you ever had sex with her?
Eddie: (Cocky laugh) Don�t worry about it.
Roxy: I think you�ve been sleeping around with her.
Eddie: No way, baby.
Roxy: I won�t tolerate it!  You better not fuck around with her!  (Enter Alex, Gabby, Mafia)
Gabby: I�d rather lose this fight than see Roxy steal my Eddie.
Alex: Hello, Roxy.  Eddie, I heard that James is with Olivia as we speak.  With the people we�re trying to defeat!  I met with them, and I was forced to be cordial.  But I was still firm and aggressive.  So, that means I wasn�t able to hurt anyone.  But now that the kind is friends with them�
Eddie: What are you saying?
Roxy: And why are you telling us this?
Gabby: Hey, just thinking here.  Why don�t we combine our mafias now, seeing as though Cornelius is gone?
Alex: Why don�t we ask the older mafia leaders?
Eddie: How convenient!  I�ll go.
Roxy: Are you coming too, Gabby?
Gabby: No.
Roxy: Hmm��tis probably for the better. (Giggles snottily)
Gabby: Oh no, I know what you�re up to.  I�m going too! (Exit, Enter Paul)
Paul: Hey, Alex.  (Whispers) I know I�m just a poor man, but I have something important to tell you!
Alex: (To those departing) See you soon, guys!  (To Paul) Ok, go!
Paul: If your mafia wins the battle, open this letter and call for me.  Even though I look scrubby, I swear it�s worth it!  But if you lose, screw it.  It�s not worth it.  Goodbye!  (Hands over letter)
Alex: Wait!  Stay here while I read the letter, in case I have a question.
Paul: I can�t.  (In Terminator voice) I�ll be back.
Alex: Ok, bye!  I�ll jus read this note!  (Exit Paul, Enter Eddie)
Eddie: Here�s the game plan. I had some guys scout out the enemy, and they�re pretty close.  So, get your mafia and be ready!
Alex: Don�t you worry about me.  We�ll be ready when the time comes. (Exits)
Eddie: Damn!  I am good!  I told both Gabby and Roxy that I love them.  They�re suspicious of each other, but they can�t hurt me.  Which one do I choose, though?  Both?  One?  Neither?  I can�t be happy with one if the other is still alive.  If I go with the widow, Gabby will be mad because Roxy was technically never married.  But I can�t just kick Alex out of the picture.  I know!  I�ll use Alex for the battle, and when it�s done, I can find a way to kill him.  But I can�t bother myself with it now.  I have a war to fight!  (Exit)
5.2 James and Olivia enter with mafia, then exit.  Enter Paul and Glen
Paul: Sir, stay by this tree.  If I return, I�ll bring some tootsie rolls.
Glen: Oh, goodie.  (Exit Paul, hear mafia�s guns, enter Paul)
Paul: Sir, get out of here.  It�s dangerous. James and Olivia were kidnapped!  Take my hand � let�s go!
Glen: No, I�ll die here.
Paul: Are you being suicidal again?  Remember what the therapist said � �Sunshine and rainbows scare away the thunderstorm blues.�  Let�s go now!
Glen: Yeah, you�re right.  Sounds like something Paul would say, though. (Exit)
5.3 Enter Eddie, James & Olivia with French mafia
Eddie: Someone steal James and Olivia, please!  I hope they know whom the have to deal with if they try to run away.
Olivia: Well, we aren�t the first victims to die for good intentions. Can�t we at least see Gabby and Roxy?  
James: No, no � let�s not anger them!  Let�s just go to prison.  The guards can�t be that mean.  You and I can sing and dance and pray and laugh and make cookies all day.  Besides, we can catch up on our celebrity gossip.
Eddie: Take them away!
James: I can�t believe we are together again! Aww, don�t cry, Olivia.  We�ll be safe in prison.  (Exit James and Olivia with mafia)
Eddie: Grandfather, please take this note and follow them.  If you do, I�ll promote you.  Everyone wants to get ahead, right?
Grandfather: I�ll do it.
Eddie: Great.  Now do it exactly as I said.
Grandfather: I�m a man, not an animal.  I�ll get it done. (Exit, Enter Alex, Gabby, Roxy, and mafia)
Alex: Eddie, we have captured five key members of the mafia.  You may use them as you see fit.
Eddie: Alex, I saw it fit to imprison James and Olivia.  They�ll get out tomorrow if you need them.
Alex: Unbelievable!  You have no respect!  James isn�t even an enemy!
Roxy: We�ll do whatever we want.  We don�t have to ask you.  Eddie asked me, and I let him.  I trust him.
Gabby: It�s not just because he asked you � it�s because he�s the big, strong leader of our gang. 
Roxy: Well, he and I are equals!
Gabby: Not if he marries you.  Like that would happen.
Roxy: Shut up!
Gabby: You�re just jealous.
Roxy: Oww!  My tummy hurts.  I feel like I�m dying!  Take my money, apartment � take it all.
Gabby:  Two things. 1. I thought you were going to marry Eddie.  2. It�s probably just cramps.
Alex: Girls, calm down.  Don�t fight over E.  I am your husband, Gabby.
Eddie: Hey � keep your comments to yourself.  Carry on, ladies.
Alex: (Under breath) You bastard.
Roxy: (To Eddie) Let�s begin the fight, gentlemen.
Alex: I�m not finished.  Eddie, I�m arresting you! (To Gabby) And you � you�re my wife, so if you want to make love to anyone, make love to me!
Gabby: Unfair!
Alex: Let�s begin the fight.  And if Francis doesn�t get you arrested, I will.
Roxy: Alex, you�re sick!  I hate you!  Wait, I�m sick!!!
Gabby: (To self) You better be.
Eddie: How can you call me a traitor?
Alex: Do you want to fight?
Eddie: With you, yeah.
Alex: Well, all of the mafia will be on my side!
Roxy: Ugh, I�m sick.
Alex: Can somebody take her out back.  (Exit Roxy with mafia man.)  Thanks. (Enter F.C.)
Alex: Hey, fan clubber, come here.  Read this in front of the mafias.
F.C.: If anyone thinks he can prove that Eddie is a traitor, please step up to this podium by the time I get to the thirteenth whistle.  (Whistle blows 6 times) Ok, please just step up now.  (Enter Paul)
Alex: Ask him why he�s here.
F.C.: Why are you here?  And what�s your name?
Paul: I don�t know my name, but I�m here to tell my story, so just listen.  I swear I�m a very noble man.  I�m not trying to rob anyone except the enemy.
Alex: Which enemy?
Paul: Didn�t you call for someone to exterminate the bees?  Haha.  I kid, I kid.  Nah, I�m here to get Eddie Patooky.
Eddie: Oh, you mean me?
Paul: Get out your squirt gun and fight like a man.
Eddie: Well, I usually like to get to know a man before I kill him, but you seem dressed for the occasion. (Paul wearing fatigues) So, let�s get at it.  (Begin fighting � someone refills Paul�s gun with orange juice and it gets in Eddie�s eye)
Eddie: Oww!  You got citric acid in my eye!
Alex: Save him!
Gabby: Eddie, why did you do this?  You didn�t HAVE to fight him!  You were cheated!  I�m taking this to the Supreme Court, which is only a few blocks away.
Alex: Shut up, Gabby.  You�re worse than a monkey�s uncle.  If you don�t pipe down, I�ll shut you up with this letter I found � and you know what it is, bitch.
Gabby: Hey, I wear the pants in this relationship.  So, don�t forget it!
Alex: Do you even know what this letter is?
Gabby: You can�t ask me what I know. Fan club rule #27. (Exit)
Alex: Go after her.  Take care of her. (Exit F.C.)
Eddie: What have I done to make you want to kill me?  Everything is in the past, so get over it.  You win.
Paul: I apologize for hurting you, as I am your brother, Paul.  But, I know exactly what you did to me.
Eddie: Well, well, well.  What goes around comes around.
Alex: I knew it was Paul.  (Excited) Man, that was cool how you tricked him, then got citric acid in his eye.  Count it for the underdog!
Paul: Well, thank you.
Alex: How did you hide yourself?  How did you know your dad was in trouble?
Paul: I helped him.  When he wanted to kill himself, I saved him.  I gave him hope.  About an hour ago, I revealed to him who I was.  He had a heart attack.  It was kinda cool because his face was blue like a smurf�s.  But then he died, and I was sad.  I think he was heart-broken.
Eddie: I�m touched.  I wish I could do something good now, but continue with your story first.  I have minutes before I die.
Alex: No, please don�t continue � I�m in tears. 
Paul: No, that�s good.  Everyone needs to cry once in awhile.  So, this lady-guy-thing comes in and tells me how he/she had a relationship with James when he was going crazy, too!
Alex: Wait, who was this?
Paul: Kendra!  Or Kenneth!  I don�t know what to call him/her � whatever.  (Enter F.C. with hands covered with elephant dung)
F.C.: Help!  Help!
Paul: Why do you have shit all over your hands?
Alex: Yeah, haven�t you heard of toilet paper?
Paul: Please, tell us what happened � we�re curious!  C�mon, don�t leave me hangin�!
F.C.: Well, if you would let me speak, I�d explain how Gabby died.  You see, she was stressed out about poisoning her sister, so she went out by her pet elephant, Morrie.  But Morrie was sick and had indigestion, so she tried to ease the poop out with her hand.  Eventually, she gave him laxatives, and when he was ready to dump�he dumped.  So much, in fact, that it landed on top of Gabby and she suffocated!  I tried to save her, but she didn�t want to be saved.  Her last words were, �I�m not sorry for poisoning my sister � all�s fair in love and war.�  Then she took her last breath among the elephant crap.
Eddie: I was in love with both of them � Gabby and Roxy.  Now I can be with both of them in heaven.
Paul: What ever happened to Grace?  Wasn�t she your whole motivation?
Eddie: No, getting laid was my motivation.  And Roxy and Gabby gave me enough of that.
Paul: Here comes Kenneth/Kendra!  (Enter Kenneth)
Alex: Somebody, please go get the bodies of Gabby and Roxy, dung-covered or not.  (Exit F.C.) Oh, is this James� friend?
Kenneth: I just wanted to say goodbye to James forever.  But I guess he�s not here.
Alex: Holy shit!  Sorry, didn�t mean to offend anyone or disrespect Gabby�s most tragic death.  Where is the kind�and Olivia?  (F.C. enters with Gabby�s and Roxy�s bodies) Kenneth, did you see this?
Kenneth: What happened?
Eddie: Wow!  I guess I�m pretty popular!  Gabby and Roxy fought over me to their death.
Alex: Yeah, whatever.  Cover them up.
Eddie: Oh, I�m dying.  I want to do some good now. (Thinks for a relatively long time)  Quick! Go get James and Olivia.  I was a little naughty before.
Alex: Naughty?
Eddie: Yeah, I ordered them to be killed in a gas chamber circa 1930s concentration camps.
Alex: Run!
F.C.: Where? And I�ll need proof too!
Eddie: Here, take my gun. (Hands over squirt gun engraved with his name in gold) Take it to the �Godfather.�  But please don�t point it at him, ok?  Use a little common sense, would ya?  Ya know, the common sense you so aptly lacked when this whole thing started.
Paul: I think you were going to direct that statement at me.  (Exit F.C.)
Eddie: I told them that Olivia tried to kidnap James and that she was an enemy.  I can�t believe how dumb I was.
Alex: Oh, I hope they save them!  (Eddie dies, enter James with Olivia in his arms.)
James: Unbelievable!  She�s dead because of Glen�s moronic son.  Ooh, I�m gonna kill him!
Kenneth: He�s already dead.
James: Just like my Olivia.  But, unlike the asshole, Olivia will live on forever.
Kenneth: I�m so sorry for you, sir.
James: Fuck you.
Paul: But, sir, this is your old friend, Kenneth.
James: What?  I had sex with my ex-best friend? You traitors!  Wait, how did I miss that?
Kenneth: It�s called foreplay.
James: Whatever.  Aww, poor Olivia.  I tried to save you.  I killed the man who put you in the chamber first.
F.C.: It�s true � he did.
James: That�s right.  I still have it in me.  Now, Kenneth, I�m sorry for yelling at you just now.  I can�t believe it�s you.
Kenneth: I�ve been with you every step of the way.
James: I want to welcome you, officially, back into the family.
Kenneth: No thank you.  Everyone who�s ever been a part of your family has died.
James: That�s true.
Alex: Please excuse him.  He�s a little woozy.
Paul: He�s very pointless.  (Enter F.C.)
F.C.: Eddie is definitely dead now.  We shot him three times in the head to be sure.
Alex: Well, then.  He�s not important right now.  His death is the best thing to happen right now.  (To Paul and Kenneth) Thank you, to both of you, for all of your help.
James: I�m gay.  Just so you all know.  Gay as a horse.  (James dies)
Paul: Well, then.  
Kenneth: I knew it all along.  I loved James.
Paul: Cheer up, honey.  I loved him, too.
Kenneth: I want him back!
Paul: He�s gone forever.
Kenneth: I can�t believe how long he lasted, though.
Alex: Somebody please take their bodies out of here.  (To Kenneth and Paul) Friends, I want you to inherit James� oil business.
Kenneth: No, I must join my lover now.
Paul: Uhh�I gotta pee.  Buh bye. (Exit Paul and Kenneth, leaving millions of dollars to Alex.)
The End

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