I’m definitely not a morning person

Life is complicated, life is chaotic, life is demanding.  Life could be as sweet as pie or as tough as an overcooked steak.  However, everything that starts your life begins with when you wake up in the morning.  Some people are morning people while others are clearly not!  I am not a morning person, but through hardship and overcoming many obstacles I have learned how to master the process of waking up and getting ready in the morning.

Some mornings aren’t that bad, while others feel like you have run into a 2000-pound elephant.  Most morning are right in the middle between the two, however no matter what, I know for a fact that getting up in the morning is never easy.  I’ve been through it all, the soar throats, the crusty lips, the snot everywhere, the drool everywhere, the smell, the exhaustion, the whole nine yards.  Nonetheless no matter how crappy, how nasty, how utterly ghastly I feel, I wake up, get dressed, and go to school.  I can show you the necessary steps for the survival, of waking up in the morning and not succumbing to the unconscious atrocious feeling that is stirring in your gut.  Follow my steps and you will enable yourself to possibly become employee of the month, or maybe even a student who doesn’t get detention for being tardy.

            It all starts with the night before, if you haven’t readied yourself the night before for your wake up in the morning you are going to be totally screwed.  First you must put away all papers or work that you are taking to the place that is forcing you to arise at such early hours in the day.  Therefore, for students you must get your backpack all packed away and ready to leave the night before, as you adults must clean up your briefcase and have it ready to leave in a seconds notice.  Secondly, push your clock in your room ahead fifteen minutes.  Then set your alarm clock to the normal time that you are used to waking up too.  Therefore when you think you are late, you really still have fifteen minutes to spare.  Make sure and I repeat make sure that your AM’s and PM’s are correct for both the real time and your alarm time.  These two actions are essential requirements needed for preparation of waking up, for the night before.  Some people believe that putting out clothes for the next morning is a good idea, but I beg to differ, you never know what the weather is going to be like in the morning besides, when was the last time the weather man was ever right.

            Now it has finally come, the morning: the thing that didn’t seem so bad last night when you were feeling happy, and energetic.  However, last nights you, is much different from the morning you.  In the morning you might hear your alarm go off, and be thinking “oh my God someone please shoot me, I can’t move, and I don’t want to.”  This is probably one of the easier mornings, as you are only suffering from exhaustion.  But there could be some other obstacles during your morning wake up such as, soar throat, drool everywhere, snot everywhere, or even crust gook in your eyes that you can’t seem to get out.  Nonetheless the show must go on.  After covering all of the horrible symptoms of a morning wake up I will tell you what you must do next no matter what.  First sit up real quick crack open your window and figure out what the weather is.  Then after you think you know what the weather is like, snuggle back up to your cozy pillow.  Then while feeling warm and yummy on the inside because you are under the protection of your wonderful blanket, you must think to yourself and figure out what you are going to wear.  Finally after figuring this easy task out for a guy, and a little bit of a longer task for a girl, you must absolutely no matter what get your butt out of bed and stumble over to the bathroom.  If you do not complete this last step, you will most likely fall back to sleep, and be screwed for whatever meeting, class, or appointment you had scheduled.  Finally once you have made it to the bathroom the next step is to relieve yourself of your nightly coodies.  First turn to the hot knob halfway on.  You don’t want an overpowering amount of water flowing right in front of you while you are in a rather unstable state of mind.  You also don’t want that water getting to hot so it will burn you.  Finally while the water is heating up, you slowly and depending on how tired you are feeling, slap the water on to your face.  This should clear some of the crusty gook away, as well as wake you up a little bit.  Until you are able to open your eyes fully and take in the painful light that feels like it is burning holes in your retinas, do not go on to the next step.  Then take your toothbrush in your power brushing hand, wet the brush, apply a generous amount of toothpaste and get scrubbing.  While scrubbing feel free to snot rocket into the sink, that is if your nose is clogged.  Snot rocketing for you amateurs who don’t know would be when you plug one nostril with your finger and blow out your nose, shooting all of the snot out of your unplugged nostril.  Finally after fully clearing your nose and giving your teeth a good scrub, clean off the toothbrush, place it back in its holder, and continue on to the rest of the face cleansing procedure.  By the way if your water has to be adjusted throughout this procession feel free to adjust to your liking.  Lastly you want to run your face under the sink thoroughly riding yourself from all night coodies and eye gook.  This cleansing process provides me with sufficient energy to continue my wake up procedure.  It also refreshes me greatly.  Finally almost done, just have to take out the clothes that I have already decided to wear, and put them on.  Walk down the stair, get your bag by the door, walk out the front door, and your off.

            The waking up process if followed correctly should never take you more then 15 minutes.  When I discovered the process I thanked God for allowing me to get an extra 20 minutes of beauty sleep.  Not only does this wake up process let you sleep longer but it also tricks everyone you know.  See they might think that you are well put together organized clean and delightful person when they see you in the morning but the truth of the matter is that if they had seen you 15 minutes before they probably would have thrown up in utter disgust of your smell and hideousness.  This 15-minute wam bam homerun slam of an idea can save you from feeling like Mr. Magoo to looking like Mr. GQ.  Hopefully this process will work for you too and you will be thanking me instead of God.