| My first feelings were those of numbness after I realized what he was really telling the world. I had been raised in a small community where gayness was joked about, but never felt. I knew of one person at my college I would be going to who was gay, and had met him once. i saw nothing wrong with it, but then again, I never expected it to affect me in such a deep way. So my heart went numb. For my sake, it was better that way: it let my brain sort it our without the feelings of despair or loss that always pervades when one looses their significant other. So I read through all I could on the page is a sort of daze. Then I went to the hospital to visit my brother and stayed quiet the whole time, just saoking everything in, and trying to make myself realize what implications it would have and what "gay" really was. For others I would recommend to let your heart speak. Unlike me, it won't be fighting off a loss, it will be able to be open and accepting and loving of the person you are thinking about. That night I came home, emailed him a six-word email and went to bed, forcing myself to not think. That didn't work. I had to stay up writing down my thoughts until I was so fatigued i could fall right to sleep. Here are my THOUGHTS in the order they occured. The next morning I got up, and my heart was still numb. I got up, emailed him again (realizing that a six-word email didn't provide much other than pain) to tell him I needed to talk. I went to church and meditated on what God thought of the whole idea of someone being gay. Then I went home and tried to get ready to go to work. I could only sit down at the computer again and read through his entire page, absorbing everything so it could be processed at a later time. I went to work for nine hours, and I'll guarantee you that lifegaurding has got to be the best job to have while thinking through this stuff. So I went off into my own little world with my myheart still numb and my brain sorting everything out. After work I headed over to his house. During the drive my heart started to talk and it began to register what I was loosing. We talked for hours last night, and I went away with a bit of peace, a best friend, and a realization that I still have my soulmate. This morning I woke up with a still numb heart, and an upset stomach. I still can't eat. I had to convince myself that yes, I was waking up to the real world: it wasn't all a dream. An now I'm here, telling you everything so it can help you. |