I don't even know where to begin. This entry is going to be a free flow for me today. I'm really upset that I gained yet another 1.4 lbs. I've cried and stomped and felt sorry for myself and no I'm trying to move on. I am just so frustrated beause I can not stop these stupid binges! How can a stinking little piece of chocolate have such control over me???? One or two pieces I can handle, but the 15 or 20 that follow is what does me in! Then I have to continue to eat crap the rest of the day until I'm so sick I could puke (on my own! I'm not purging!) It is just sooo frustrating! I know better. I have the tools for healthy living. I give great advice - but don't use it! Use it KIM!
So I have some ideas rolling around in my head. I may up my points to 25 or 27 to help me feel less deprived. Hopefully I will still loose and then can add even more back when I'm ready to maintain! Not sure on this yet, but still thinking about it. I've switched to "mini-meal" as of Tuesday. It worked real well on Tues, but Wed. didn't go so well. So far today it has gone fine. I think yesterday, I had too many points at lunch and then felt like I didn't have enough points left so I just ate everything that had chocolate listed on the label! I may have to re-evaluate my fast food approach on Wed. I might change it to Fri. nights and maybe do something special on Wed. like a dairy queen ice cream or a Milky Way lite. Still thinking on that one too.
I NEED to write down a list of things to do when I feel a binge coming on. I know what to do, but don't evaluate things properly. Its so easy to think like that now, but when the time comes...WHOA! its hard. Brush my teeth, chew gum, walk, journal, talk to a co-worker, visualize, drink water, go on the web, read my quote, work in some treat points....there are lots of things. I just need to use them!
I know that I do want to reach my personal goal and I don't think it is unrealistic. I've been there before and I felt good and healthy. It's just a matter of conquering the binging which will always be part of my life.
I also know that when this stupid weather warms up it will be a lot easier for me too! I love tobe active outdoors and even though I am still exercising indoors I don't like it and it has an impact on my attitude.
I really fear for my daughter's sake. I don't want her to end up with this horrible bulimic problem. I don't want her to see me binging! It's awful and it worries me.
So, for the rest of this week I'm going to continue the mini-meals. I have a rough weekend coming up. We are going home to my mom's and we have lots of activities planned, of course they all involve food! I do have a plan and I WANT to stick to it and so I WILL! I MUST! You all have a great weekend! Take some time to re-evaluate your plans. Are you going where you want to go? If not, how can you revise your plan to get you where you want to go?
Hi all! Well, I feel as if I don't have much to say. Isn't that unusual? I've been sooo busy with work, school and the family that I just don't have much other than the usual. Let's see....well I finished my first group case and we will present it tomorrow night. It went well and I'm happy with it. I have started on my paper which is due next Thurs. I plan to do some more work on it tonight, even though Survivor is on! lol For sure I will get some more work done on it when my mom is here on Sat. She is coming to watch Morgan all day because dh has to work and I HAVE to work on my paper! He will also be gone Monday & Tuesday night to Atlanta for work so I need some quiet time to work.
Morgan is doing well. She has another black eye! This is her third one. She fell and hit her eye on the tub yesterday morning. Poor thing! She has been waking up in the middle of the night for about the last week. She cries for about 10 seconds and goes back to sleep. Sometimes several times per night. She doesn't have a cold or anything so we aren't sure why. Maybe its growing pains! Hmmmmm.....
Well, I am doing great OP so far since Sun. This is my fourth day and I feel great about it even though I didn't have a loss. If I think back honestly I know I ate a TON of crap and that my dear is why there is no loss! Honesty! Ouch it hurts!
The plan is to press onward and keep OP for as long as I can. I now have about 8 pounds to loose to my personal goal. It keeps changing. Up down up down! Enough already - just downward from now on!
Not a lot else to say. I seem more peaceful inside these days so perhaps that is why my eating is better. Isn't that starnge? I am busy as all get out but my inside is peaceful. Ponder that one!
You all have a great week! Take just a few moments over the next week to realign yourself and find a new begginning. New beginnings are wonderful and I for one am thankful for them!
March 14, 2000
See the special dedication for this journal entry.
I'm here journaling for two reasons - it's time to update and because I'm fighting off an attempt by the red-eye monster at poking his head out and once that happens all is lost! IT WILL NOT HAPPEN! IT WILL NOT HAPPEN! My self respect for my discipline is more important than anything I could ever put in my mouth! The food will still be there when I get to maintenance - I can have that stuff any old time! Whew! Hope that helps!
I know some of the reasons why he is trying to get out. One is TOM of course. Also, last night was our church dinner get together and I ate more than I wanted to. I carefully planned it all out and rehearsed it in my head, but out pooped that *&#@ red-yed monster and he took control. With people around me I couldn't fight him off. I should have gone into the bathroom, collected my thoughts and came back out. It started with a non-alcoholic lime slushie. Not too bad, but not planned for. Then she also had tortilla chips and salsa - had some but didn't plan for them. Also, there were refried beans - I did catch a glimpse of the can and see they were fat free so that was good. The fajitas she made were excellent! I had two rather than one and of course more toppings than I should have. The dessert was by no means low cal or low fat. It was a chocolate pudding-cream cheese-graham cracker crust dessert thing. I had one and 3/4 of a piece. The kids were munching on cookies and I had to have about 4 of those. All my extra desserts were eaten in a sneaky fashion! Yes, I am a closet eater or like to think I am. Believe me I know that what I eat is seen on my hips, even though it's not seen on my lips!
Oh Lord! I lost control - but, there is a good part to this! First of all, it wasn't that bad and could have been worse! The rest of my day was fine and I got my exercise in. Normally I would have the attitude that it was blown anyway and would have went home and had more to eat, but I didn't. DH and I crawled into bed and watched t.v. So, it stopped at that and for that I'm happy and thank the Lord above for giving me strength.
This morning I had an accidental sabotage. Like I need an ACCIDENTAL one - I do that well enough on my own! I had my planned oatmeal and cup of skim milk - or so I thought! The milk tasted funny and come to find out I had grabbed my daughter's whole milk! Yikes! Well, I counted the points and am moving on. What else can I do!?
So, this is what has led to my urge to binge. All this chaos, but I will NOT give in. I'm getting so much closer to my personal goal and I WANT to get ther SOON! I lost 1.2 yesterday so I'm now 6.4 lbs. away! Definitely will get there by summer - hopefully A LOT sooner!
Mom will be home tomorrow. I can't wait. I miss her a lot and I know Morgan will be happy to see her. They are on the road as I type. Should be a fun and OP time!
Morgan's toe got smashed this last weekend. What an ordeal! I won't go into all the details, but our oak garbage can holder fell on her. Nothing is broken - looked really bad and had to wear a bandage for four days. Doing well now other than a cold! She was up coughing all night! I had to go sleep down stairs. Poor thing has been through so much in the last couple months.
The next big news is I am going LIFETIME next week!!!! I get my lifetime membership key. So excited! DH and Morgan will be there for sure. I still have invites out ot my mom and neighbor to see if they will join me also. My reward will be a reflexology massaage and a new pair of walking shoes! Go me! Would be nice to hit the 40 lb. loss mark that day too. 1.8 lbs to get there.
I better go now! Everyone take 5 minutes today to do a journal. Just put some thoughts down and write about your temtptaitions and feelings. I have been doing this on a regular absis and it has helped trememndously! Have a great week! :)
Well, I had a great night last night! And day! I am sooo proud of myself. I avoided the bagels and cream cheese in the stinkin' "treat cubicle" across from me! Didn't have a single bit! That evening I knew I didn't have any points for a snack so I had an extra big helping of veggies at dinner. I kept busy for a while, made some ginger tea, watched my show, went to bed to read and then off to sleep a little early. I had sooo many temptations - I got my Trader Joe's package from Kim L.'s mom. I didn't try a single thing but took the time to figure out the points on each item so I would know how to plan for them. Also, after dinner I made a homemade carrot cake that looks fabulous! Not a single BLT! Wow! I am having a piece for lunch today and will post the recipe. I also bought 3 boxes of WW 2 pt. bars yesterday and people have been raving about how yummy they are, so I'm dying to try one and wanted to last night, but I didn't. I will have one tonight at class! So, lots of temptations - but a stong will! Many times I said - "Oh just have one it won't matter." Then my new self said "Ah ah ah.... it will matter and if you want to get these last pounds off you need to be extra careful!"
I had a small gain yesterday. .8, so its alright. I know exactly where it came from and exactly what to do to get it off. I'm not beating myself up about it. I'm not happy either, but I have realized that I'm not nor will I never be perfect and I don't need to be! That is the best thing! I DON'T NEED TO BE PERFECT! I've decided that if takes me the rest of the year to get these last 6.8 lbs off, thats OK because I am successful no matter what as long as I don't give up.
So other that that I feel pretty good. My attitude is good. I feel strong. TOM is next week so that may be a contender, but I can beat it! My mom will be home next weekend from down South. We are sooo excited to see her. They are stopping at our house on their way home and going to stay a night or two. She is OP so that will help. She sent some Royal Red shrimp home with my sis and is going to make it for us. Yummy!
I have my lap top orientation tonight. That should be interesting. Class won't be the whole four hours though. I'm really nervous about the time committment. I don't like losing that much of my time, but I have to keep reminding myself that it will pay off later! I think I may read one the chapters for my first class tonight after the lap top class. That way I won't have two to read next Thurs. We don't have class next Thurs. so I'm using the time to do homework.
Can't think of much else. Busy time at work - might be a little more stress. Bring it on! Have a great day everybody!