QUICK WIT

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

QUICK WIT

I'm officially middle-aged. I don't need drugs anymore, thank God. I can get the same effect just by standing up real fast.
-Jonathan Katz

Joke 13:

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father".

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that".

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest getting impatient said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said: "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar".

QUICK WIT

Baby Snake: Mom, are we poisonous?
Mom Snake: We most certainly are! Why?
Baby Snake: I just bit my tongue!

Joke 14:

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope." "Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

QUICK WIT

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you.

Joke1 5:

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans, and helps care for the kids, and who makes money.

2. It is important to find a man who loves to spend money on you, and show you a good time.

3. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

4. It is important that these three men never meet.

QUICK WIT

What is the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids won't eat broccoli.

Joke 16:

"A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

"The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'

"The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'

"There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'"

QUICK WIT

What is another word for Thesaurus?

Joke 17:

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

QUICK WIT

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Joke 18:

A few days ago Saddam decided to promote a trusted Lieutenant named Habib to serve as a "right-hand man" to serve his every need in case of impending war. After informing Habib of his decision, Saddam gave him these instructions: "In case of attack I am to be handed my lucky rifle and red shirt."

"Why a red shirt?" asked Habib. "That is so if the infidels should attack me and shoot me, my men won't see the blood and will continue fighting to victory!" yelled Saddam.

"Wow, you're a hero to us all!" exclaimed Habib.

Soon after, Saddam was out on his rooftop and saw the entire US and British forces in the air and on the ground. "Habib!", he yelled. "Get me my lucky rifle and my red shirt." After pausing to think, Saddam then whispered, "and my brown pants!"

QUICK WIT

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

Joke 19:

A woman brings her parrot to the vet. The parrot is stiff and lifeless.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but this parrot is dead"

"How can you tell so quickly?" replies the woman, "Isn't there a way to be absolutely certain?"

So, the vet whistles and a beautiful black Labrador Retriever walks in the examining room. The Lab sniffs around the parrot for a few moments, then looks at the vet and, with sad eyes and shakes his head.

"A dog shakes its head and I'm supposed to believe that?!" cries the woman. "You're going to have to do more to prove that my poor parrot is dead!"

So the vet leaves momentarily, comes back with a cat and puts it on the table beside the parrot. The cat looks closely at the parrot, walks around it, prods it a bit, then shakes his head and jumps off the table.

Finally, the woman seems convinced. As she turns for the door, the vet announces that she owes him $500.

"$500?!," the woman asks. "How in the world could it be that much just to tell me my parrot is dead?"

"Well, it would have been a lot cheaper, but with that lab report and cat scan..."

QUICK WIT

Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!

Joke 20:

A guy finds a lamp on the beach and rubs it and a genie comes out and tells him he will grant one him one wish.

Well the guy is caught off guard and says "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I am afraid to fly. Can you build me a bridge to Hawaii?"

Well the genie thinks about it and says "Do you know how much is involved in building such a bridge? I would have to sink pilings down miles into the ocean. It would take millions of yards of concrete. The labor would be incredible. Can you think of something else?"

By this time the guy has had time to think, and says "OK, I have had a question all my life, and I wonder if you could explain something to me. Would you please explain to me how the mind of a woman works?"

The genie looks at him and says "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

QUICK WIT

A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, ''These sleepovers are killing me!''