~~~LADY GOLFER~~~
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

~~~NUTS ABOUT YOU~~~
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

~~~STRIP MALL~~~
My husband and I took our three kids out shoe shopping one day. We were going from store to store, and the kids were getting restless. At one crowded store, I was standing near a bench when my 3-year-old climbed up on it, grabbed hold of my elastic-waist shorts, and jumped off pulling both my shorts and my underwear to the floor. I raced out of there, much to the delight of the appreciative onlookers.
Patricia Lamond-Stocksick, 35, Lathrop, CA

~~~PAD, PLEASE!~~~
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC

~~~HO HO HO~~~
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!
Name Withheld

~~~EMBARRASSING MOMENTS WITH CHILDREN~~~
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4yr old daughter. On the way to pre-school, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mic, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

~~~WHAT HAPPENS WHEN IT DOESN'T SNOW~~~
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.
... true story...
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard.

~~~BUSH AND THE QUEEN~~~
At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.
Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets....I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought......You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."