~A BLONDE GOING TO MONTREAL~~~
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde'!"
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry"... gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal. "

~~~BLONDES - A FEW QUICK TAKES~~~
ONE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband asked, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"

TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them. "A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin? "The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIVE
What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIX
A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me.
So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree!
I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree!
I swerved to the right and there was another tree!
I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

SEVEN
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

EIGHT
A blonde was driving home, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner decided to have some fun, and told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard & all the dents would pop out. So, she went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder & still nothing happened. Her roommate saw her and asked, "What the heck are you doing?" She told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow in the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, Hello! You need to roll up the windows first!!"

NINE
A blonde's doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds. "When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods."I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."

TEN
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with her at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

ELEVEN
So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back,
"You are on the other side!"

TWELVE:
Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that they were moose tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit 'em.

~~~QUICK JOKES~~~
1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
(You have to hollow out the head.)

2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?
(They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)

3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO?
(It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)

4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
(They drowned during Spring Training.)

5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
(To see what was on the other side.)

6. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
(The cow stepped on her.)

7. How did the blonde burn her nose?
(Bobbing for French fries.)

8. Why do blondes have more fun?
(They're easier to amuse.)

9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
(Frosted flakes.)

10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
(They keep breaking them with their hammers.)

11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?
(She missed.)

12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
(Data transfer.)

13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
(Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.)

14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
(She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)

15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
(She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)

16. Why are Orientals so smart?
(No blondes.)

17. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde?
(You get to park in the handicap zone.)

~~~THE BLIND GUY AND THE BLONDES~~~
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. I'm a six-foot-tall, 200-pound blonde with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a weightlifter, and the woman on the other side of you is a blonde pro wrestler. Think about it, mister. You sure you want to tell that joke? The blind guy replied,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

~~~BLONDE HANDYMAN~~~
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hireherself out as a handyman type person and started canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, It's a Lexus.