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Chapter One

Kai's strong hands ran up and down Rei's back, causing him to shiver, before pulling him flat against his broad chest. Rei gasped, his gem-like amber eyes widening and staring up into Kai's hard crimson ones, which flashed with passion. Kai bent his head, crushing his lips to Rei's soft, inviting ones, leaning his body back so that it rested against the brick wall of the ice cream parlour, his firm hold around Rei bringing the smaller boy with him.

Rei closed his eyes and yielded to Kai, placing both hands on either side of his chest and feeling the hard muscles beneath the black tank top. His back arched so he brushed more against his koi, and Kai responded by thrusting his tongue into his mouth. Rei gasped, his lips parting further and Kai's tongue going in deeper.

Rei's supple body was humming with heat and love for Kai, bending to his power. Rei felt himself almost purring, until Kai's eager tongue went a little too far back into his throat, causing him to choke.

Rei's body suddenly tensed as painful memories flashed through his mind. Tears of shame, hurt, and guilt trickled down his cheeks, dropping onto Kai's hand. Kai immediately stopped and hugged Rei to him, stroking his back. "Rei?"

Rei still had his eyes closed, tears pouring out of them. He lowered his head, unable to meet Kai's gaze. The painful memories were fresh and vivid in his mind, causing his heart to pound with terror. He buried his face in Kai's chest, starting to shake and sob a little. 'You're with Kai, you're safe, he won't hurt you; he's not like-' Rei's train of thought was broken by Kai's gentle hand tilting his head upwards.

Kai gently kissed his remaining tears away. "Rei, what's wrong?"

Staring into the sincere, frighteningly deep, ruby eyes, Rei shivered and felt his love's arms tighten about him protectively. Kai was so gentle and loving with him, always there for him. And he'd been keeping a secret from him. Kai had every right to know; he deserved to know... but if he knew, then he'd leave Rei for good. Rei knew he'd never survive if Kai left him. He was already ruining things enough with these little 'episodes' of his. Sometimes, when he and Kai would be making out, and things got intense between them, the memories Rei wanted to bury would awaken, tormenting him and ripping at his soul, and killing the passion between them. All because of what-

Rei shuddered, and concern flashed in Kai's normally cold eyes. Rei licked his lips, which were swollen from Kai's kisses. His koi deserved to know; it wasn't fair of him to keep his secret, not when things were this serious between them. It wasn't fair for Kai to be with someone who'd been... who was... someone like him.

More tears flowed, swifter than before, and his amber eyes filled with guilt and sorrow. Rei knew he was going to ruin the only good thing in his life, but Kai deserved to know; he couldn't keep him in the dark anymore. Not when he meant so much to him.

"K-Kai... I... I..." Kai just held him, kissing his forehead in a pacifying gesture, and staring intently at him, not saying much. Then again, Kai never did. Feeling the intense emotions emanating from Kai, love and concern, Rei broke down. He couldn't tell his sordid secret... he couldn't tell Kai, couldn't destroy their blossoming love. He needed Kai, loved him too much to ever let him go.

"I'm so sorry." He sobbed, hugging Kai briefly before turning out of the older boy's startled arms and running down the street.

Kai just stared after him in shock, a look of concern and confusion on his face. He was used to Rei's episodes, but the raven haired boy had never run from him before. Every time they got close, either emotionally or physically, Rei would become upset and scared. But he'd never run away before; he'd let Kai hold him and calm him down. They'd also been growing more emotionally attached to each other, and Kai could come to only one conclusion. Rei was frightened. Of what, he didn't know.

Turning, Kai clenched his fists tightly and walked in the opposite direction, lost in his own thoughts.

Mao slung her pale pink Jansport book bag over her shoulder as she came down the steps of the library and into the cool spring day. She frowned as she walked along the sidewalk, wondering to herself why teachers always had to assign homework over the weekends. She had more important things she could be doing other than wasting her time at the library with musty old books for a stupid report.

Sensing someone walking towards her, Mao looked up to see none other than Kai Hiwatari, her best friend's boy friend, walking toward her. Seeing his hands shoved in his pockets, and his head, which was normally held high, lowered, she rushed up to him, her feline features showing concern. "Hey, Kai, what's wrong? Where's Rei?"

Kai, in his typical manner, snorted, turned his head away from her, and brushed past her, not acknowledging her once. Mao watched him go, pulling her lips back and baring her fangs silently at him before turning and heading towards Rei's house. She hadn't expected much from Kai, but even for him, he was in a mood. And, Rei had told her excitedly on the phone last night, that Kai was supposed to take him out today. So... if Kai was alone, and in even worse mood than usual today... that only meant something had happened. And Mao wanted to know what it was, and to know if Rei was okay.

Rei was her life long best friend and neighbour, and she'd be damned if she'd allow anyone or anything to hurt him. Mao practically flew to his house, and stood hunched over, panting, before knocking urgently on the door.

Mrs. Kon answered and told Mao Rei was up in his room. She nodded and murmured a polite greeting before slipping off her shoes and book bag then rushing up to Rei's room. She knocked politely, but received no answer. She put her ear to the closed door and heard muffled sobs. Her eyes widened, then narrowed. Rei was crying.

Opening the door, the neko girl went in and sat on Rei's bed, causing him to stiffen as he felt his mattress dip. She lay a gentle hand on his back. "Oh, Rei, what happened? I ran into Kai earlier..."
The neko boy flinched at the mention of his koi's name, then buried his face further into his pillow.

Mao lovingly stroked his shaking back, scooting closer and leaning over to whisper in his ear. Her long, magenta hair, which was pulled back in a pony tail, fell down, its tips laying against Rei's raven ones. To outsiders, they appeared to have romantic feelings for the other, but in reality they were nothing more than the best and closest of friends.

"Rei......did you have another flashback?"

Rei shook his head and turned it to look at her, and the pain and sorrow she saw in his shattered amber orbs broke her heart. She hugged him tightly and ran a hand through his dishevelled hair.

"Mao..." Rei's eyes closed and more tears slipped out as he drew in shaky breaths. "I... I tried to tell Kai today, but... I can't. I can't let him know what happened... how... if he knew... he'd be ashamed... I... he'd leave... he'd leave, and I can't bear that." Rei shuddered at the thought of Kai leaving him and sobbed harder.

"Rei... after I knew what happened to you, did I leave you?" Mao tightened her embrace, trying to comfort him.

He slowly shook his head. "No, but you should have."

She sighed. "I've always been here for you, and I don't find you disgusting or weak. You aren't filthy, you never did that willingly. And, if Kai can't over look it and love you for who you are, then he doesn't deserve you." Her voice was fierce with her conviction.

Her words brought little comfort to him, but Rei pushed it aside, knowing she was doing her best to comfort him. He rolled over, hugging her back tightly, and softly thanked her. She smiled and pulled back a little, wiping away his remaining tears.

Rei truly loved Kai with all of his heart, but his best friend was right. If Kai couldn't accept Rei for the filthy, tainted thing he was... then... but Kai had never shown any revulsion of him. He'd always been there for him, holding him when he cried after all of his flashbacks to that dreadful night. Every time Kai asked what was wrong, the Chinese youth replied he needed time, and the Japanese had given it to him, trusting him.

Indeed, Kai had been nothing but loving and understanding. And... him.... he'd been keeping that sordid secret to himself, hiding the truth about a matter so important. He wasn't a virgin; he wasn't pure - he was tainted and filthy. His angel, his Kai, had always been there for him, and his trusting love had helped to partly heal the emotional wound created that night... Mao had helped the most, though, for she had been there for him always, before he had met Kai. But... they were friends, not lovers. And Kai... he deserved someone pure, wholesome and clean... not a dirty, used thing like him.

Seeing he'd gone quiet and contemplative again, Mao hugged him once more. "And don't you be thinking that you're not good enough for him, Rei. Listen to me; you aren't tainted or filthy. Don't ever think that. You an angel, Rei. You're so strong... look how far you've come... I'd never be able to come as far as you have..."

"Mao... how? But... you're the strongest person I know..."

Mao leaned back and cupped his tear dampened cheek and saw a faint spark of golden light in the brown and amber orbs she knew so well she could read like a book. "We've been friends forever, Rei... I know you so well, and... I have a feeling things will work out, just trust me, alright?"

Rei nodded his head and smiled weakly at her. "Arigato, Mao. You're the bestest friend I've ever had."

"I'm you're only best friend. And you're my only best friend. Now, I've got something important to do before it gets too late, so I gotta scram. I'll call you later, okay?"

Rei nodded, laying back down with a heavy heart, but not crying, as Mao left. He stared vacantly at the ceiling, hoping that his best friend was right.

Mao's light pink sneakers pounded on the pavement as she ran desperately searching for Kai. She'd frantically checked all the local areas in town where the neighbourhood bad boy was known to hang out, but he wasn't anywhere to be found. It was only when she'd run out of breath and leaned, panting, against a white picket fence that she began to think and recalled Rei telling her where his and Kai's favourite romantic spots in the neighbourhood were.

Mao had checked all of them, except for one; the park, which was where she was headed now. Looking ahead, she could see the closely knit, thick trees and neatly trimmed hedges come into view. She breathed in deeply, then used the last of her strength in a sudden spurt of speed.

She slipped past the black painted, heavy iron fence leftover from the Victorian era. Her feet crunched gravel as she left the main, cemented path, tore past the duck pond, scattered pigeons some old ladies were feeding, and ran up a hill on top of which sat a solitary, gigantic, ancient oak with swings hanging from its aged branches.

And there, sitting on one of the three wooden and rope swings, was none other than Kai Hiwatari. He was swaying slightly, rocking the swing with one booted foot and lost in thought.

"What do you want?" he said scathingly, not turning around as she approached, already knowing who it was. Mao was the only person besides Rei who would dare to bother him.

Nonplused by his coldness, Mao merely plopped down in the lush grass next to his swing, closing her eyes and catching her breath. Once her chest rose and fell evenly, she opened her light golden eyes , which weren't as dark or beautiful as Rei's, and went to speak, then paused, wondering what would be the best way to start. She gulped, slightly hesitant; she knew Rei didn't want Kai to know, but if Kai didn't know, then their relationship might be ruined.....and Rei loved Kai so much.....Mao couldn't bear to see her best friend hurt and in pain anymore; she was going to tell Kai.

"Kai....there's...there's something about Rei you should know....."

"Hn." Kai stiffened slightly at the hesitancy in her tone, knowing that she was going to tell him why Rei was acting so weird.

Mao frowned, licking her lips indecisively. "Rei's well....sometimes, you know how he gets so upset for no reason......how.....how he tends to freak out....well, that's because....because he was.....he's been...." She broke off, trying to still her hammering heart and calm her nerves. She had never told Rei's secret to another living soul, not even her diary. It was a secret she kept locked away in her heart, and now, she had to open it up to Kai. "He's been......damaged." Her last word came out in a rushed whisper, hoping that Kai would get the implications. He wasn't the easiest person to talk to, especially about such a delicate matter.

Kai snorted and turned his head part way to regard her with an impatient, frosted garnet glare. He wanted to talk to Rei, not her, and find out just what was going on with the soft, black haired nekojin. However.....she seemed to be the only one willing to tell him what was wrong with his kitten. The image of Rei's haunting amber eyes, dark with sorrow and pain, shimmering with tears, burned in his mind, and he decided to hear her out, to get to the bottom of this.

"He was damaged. That doesn't tell me much." He watched as she flinched from his cold remark, then chewed her bottom lip, thinking and choosing her words carefully.

Mao ground her teeth together. He certainly wasn't making this any easier on her. When she spoke, her soft voice was now a bit harder, with an edge to it. "Think about it, Kai. Rei is terrified of close physical contact. He's been .....damaged in body and mind. What could've caused it?"

Kai mulled it over, his mind jumping to a conclusion. But....was that really possible? Did that really happen to his sweet Rei-chan? You only heard about things like that in the news, on TV, or in stories, but to actually have it happen to someone you know.....what were the odds? Kai's red eyes widened in shock, and he stared open mouthed at Mao. "Rei...was raped?"

Mao flinched at the word, ducking her head and nodding as she fought off tears. A tense silence fell between them. Kai continued to rock on his swing, lost once again in his thoughts, and Mao was absorbed with the grass, plucking up the slender green stalks and shredding them with her fingers.

"How?" Kai's tone was soft, tearing through the silence.

Mao's head flew up, a few tears trickling down her cheeks as she regarded Kai. She wanted to tell him, to let that painful burden she'd harboured so long out, but she couldn't. She had promised Rei that she would never tell another living soul, and she wouldn't break that promise any more than she had to.

Her light golden eyes looked into his softened red ones before she turned her head away, back down to the grass. "I can't tell you that." Her tone was low, barely audible. "That is for Rei to tell, when ever he's ready. I....I promised him I'd never tell anyone.....but...." Here she looked back up at him, her eyes pleading and desperate. "You had to know, Kai. The pain....it's tearing him apart. He's been fighting it for so long, and he's come so far, but....those scars will never go away. Please, Kai, don't leave Rei. It would break his heart."

Kai absorbed this all with astonishment on his normally cold, distant features. The fact that his poor kitten had been raped had settled into his brain, but now what was he supposed to do? He had never been good at dealing with emotions or people when they were fully well; what should he do with an emotionally scarred neko? His first instinct was just to simply ignore it, put it in the past where it belonged and bury it. That always worked for him. But....Rei wasn't him. Rei wasn't Kai Hiwatari.

Mao laid a tentative hand upon one of Kai's knees. "Kai....just...be there for him. Don't walk away from him. Give him time and support. Please.....I know it's hard sometimes.....but....I really don't think Rei could take it if you left him. He's terrified that you'll leave him.....if you knew about....." She couldn't bring herself to finish.

Kai said nothing; he merely stood up and left, the swing squeaking as it swung, empty, in his wake. Mao turned and watched him go. "Kai Hiwatari, you cold hearted bastard! Don't do this to him!" She yelled after the retreating boy's back, fear that she had caused Kai to leave Rei, and anger at Kai for leaving.

Kai stopped and glanced at her over his shoulder, his crimson eyes cold. "I never said I was going to abandon Rei."

"You never said you weren't, either." She shot back, growling.

"Hmph." Kai merely turned around and continued on his way. Now that he had what he wanted from her, he saw no more use for her. It was Rei he was mostly concerned with. He needed to have a talk with him.

"Kai!" Mao jumped to her feet, grass stains on her white capris and a few torn blades of grass clinging in her pink hair. She quickly caught up with him, and placed her hands on his back, shoving him hard.

Kai stumbled for a step or two before turning around, death snapping in his eyes. She glared right back. "I won't let you break Rei's heart." Mao said fiercely, raising her fists and assuming a fighting stance.

Kai snorted and let out a humourless laugh. Then he regarded her coldly. "Are you deaf, or just dumb? I never said I was going to hurt him, or leave him." Kai once more turned and walked away, leaving Mao wide eyed and open mouthed.

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