1:03 AM 9/13/2005

It has been a hard day emotionally today (yesterday). There are
so many things I could speak of. Memories of the last two weeks
of my father's death last year. Being on edge the whole day as
Mom slept, watching her breathing to see she was still alive, with
memories of Pat's death also last year. Mom is tired, very tired.
She is also so weak from pain, and starting to not be hungry
as well. My brother wanting to blame it on the fact that she 
doesn't want to take her "pills" for heart, diabetes, water, but all
along my knowing that it is the cancer that is draining her. I speak
with the Lord constantly it seems. He comforts me, yet promises to
gather my tears as they are wanting to come so much of late.  

I am reminded of the time I faced my own immortality, yet it is so
different when you face the immortality of those that you love. It is
unimaginable to even think of what it must have been for Peter,
John, and the others in considering our Lord's death. It is no
wonder that Peter struggled and wanted to deny that his friend,
his Lord would be put to death. For His mother to watch her Son
die so brutally. 

Last spring I read a book for one of my classes called "Severe
Mercy." It is a very good book with a very powerful message,
written by Vanhauken, with personal correspondence from
C. S. Lewis. I am reminded of that today.

Prior to coming up here to tend to my mother and see to my son,
I was in a wee bit of a struggle with our Lord's sovereignty. Yet,
now I think that sometimes it must be His sovereignty that is part
of the grace, we so desperately need from Him. Trust...I am
learning more about this also every day as I place the ones I
love more into His hands and arms.

Thank you Lord for your unfailing love! I pray that I awake in
the morning knowing that I have slept in your arms.