(( )) = Thoughts

   = Flashback
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“Someone once said, love would come and save us.
But how can that be, look what love gave us?”

 – ‘Hero’, The Spiderman Soundtrack
(used without permission)

 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _  _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _  _

The hospital always smelled so sterile. One would never think that they kept blood in refrigerators. It was also dead silent. Nothing seemed to be moving, it was as if time itself had decided to stand completely still. Kaen clutched his fist in desperation, pure and simple. They were in the hospital and it was  -his- fault.

“How could you do this to me Dan? He hissed softly from between his teeth, tears falling from his eyes.

“How did we get here?” he queried softly, trying to glean an answer. “It didn’t used to be this way….”
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

No, it didn't used to be this way.

In fact, only two years before, there had been nothing but happiness.  There was no alcohol, there was no pain, only a feeling of contentment and love that washed over them and grew with each passing day.  There were times when
Danal couldn't think of anything better than sitting there, on the couch with the one he loved the most.

+Two Years Ago +

The couch was old, and faded, but neither of them cared.  The house was warm, the wine was chilled, and most importantly, they were together.  It was their honeymoon and the ambient warmth and tenderness seemed to be able to keep all dangers at bay.

Kaen smiled, he'd dressed nicely for this evening, black slacks and a red v-necked silk shirt that showed off his chest, his hair fell around him like a shining cloak, and he looked up at Danal with eyes that adored. "It's so
nice," he said softly, sipping at his glass and leaning against Danal, comfortable against his chest with the older man's arm around him.

Danal smiled down at his small lover. Kaen always made him feel calm, and quiet inside. He leaned over and kissed Kaen's temple, smiling a little, catching a glimpse of the ring on his finger. ((I'm all yours…))  It was a quiet honeymoon, as things of the sort went; they didn't have a great deal of money, but at the moment it didn't matter. He could be sitting in the
mountains in an exotic local or here on the couch and he would be just as happy.

Smirking slightly, he let his cheek rest on top of Kaen's head, kissing him once more.  Honestly… he wasn't used to having much money anyway.  Having his lover here with him made him feel content, and at peace.  He knew now that Kaen was all he would ever need in life.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

+ Two Weeks Later +

 Kaen lay quietly on his back, looking ashen. His hair was falling off the bed, contained in a braid that Danal had helped him with. He was having trouble breathing today; it hadn't been a good week. Suffering from major heart problems, low blood -pressure associated with the heart problems, asthma and anemia, it was a miracle that he was still alive.   The amount of
medication that he had to take each day was rather ludicrous, but he clung very tenaciously onto life and tried to smile through most of his pain.

Danal was at work. Soon he would be leaving, and coming home. Kaen knew that his lover hated his job, but it paid well enough so that both of them could live in their small house and that Kaen didn't have to work. Working with as many problems as he had was nearly impossible. He hadn't been able to hold a job at all since he was sixteen, although he had tried very hard to do so, and he was now twenty. Even low-stress jobs weren't do-able for him. Now he didn’t have to worry so much, Danal was there to take care of him.

He missed Danal, he wanted his husband to come home and hold him. Their marriage was unofficial, but as far as Kaen was concerned, Danal was as much a husband to him as he would be to any woman. Taking in a slow breath Kaen
winced. ((It hurts…))

About a half an hour later the door opened and closed. Danal came in looking hot and bothered, but that look melted away into concern as he saw Kaen.

"What's wrong?"

Kaen smiled a weak smile. "Didn't feel too good today." His voice was unintentionally soft. Shaking a little, he held out his hand to Danal.

The older man kicked off his shoes, walked over and took Kaen's hand, sliding onto the bed as he did so. Raising Kaen's hand up to his mouth he kissed the smaller man's knuckles. "I'm sorry you're sick sweetie…" he murmured. Kaen melted inside quietly, feeling safe. Reaching out with his other hand he pulled Danal up against him. The older man smiled, cuddling his
little lover, stroking his face and neck lightly.

"How was work?"

"Same as always…" Danal murmured in a dismissive manner, brushing his lips along Kaen's eyes.

Work was not something Danal often liked to discuss, Kaen knew, and he let the subject go.  Rubbing the older man's arm lightly, he smiled a rather sad smile.  ((If only there were something I could do for you, love.  … If only I can take the strain away.  You knew what you were getting into by marrying me… but this still isn't fair to you…))

Danal's eyes softened with deepening concern as he studied his husbands face.  He kissed Kaen's lips, hoping to make the sad expression go away. "Kaen?  What is it love?"

The younger man's eyes shone with tears that he tried desperately to hide.  Still, the older man knew better.  "Tell me," Danal spoke softly, holding the other close.

Sighing, Kaen gave in, letting Danal support him as he spoke.  "Dan…I just wish I were more useful sometimes.  I mean… you do so much for me, and yet… I can only lie here most of the time.  I can't help you because I'm always sick…and you've got all of this pressure on you…"

"Hush," the older man whispered in his ear, pulling Kaen into a tighter embrace.  He stroked the other's long, and slightly matted hair, soothing his spouse with murmurs.  "Kaen, I love you.  I don't care what I have to do to
take care of you, as long as you're here with me."  Danal took that moment to move back, and look deeply into the other's eyes.  "Being with you makes everything bad wash away from me…you are all I need."
__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _  _ _ _ _ _ _ _

+ Three Months Later +

Apparently Kaen wasn't everything that Danal needed, even if he had at first thought so. Work was very hard on him. Coming home to an ill spouse only made things worse. A good deal of the time he had to take care of Kaen when all he wanted to do was lay down and sleep like a dead man. He got a large amount of subtle harassment at work for his preferences and he didn't
feel comfortable enough to report it to his boss. There was a slim chance that he might be fired. Coming home after a particularly harsh day, he had about a half a nerve left. The sight that greeted him was not the one that he wanted to see.

Kaen was sitting in the armchair, huddled in a blanket, and watching the door through half-closed eyes. He gave Danal a weak smile, and the older boy could see his lover having a silent debate with himself over if he could manage to stand up and make it to the door or not.  Apparently Kaen assumed that he could make the trip, because he stood, walked half the distance
between them and fell down gracelessly.

Danal felt his chest tighten in an odd combination of anger and fear. Why was the boy so stupid? He knew that he was sick! If he kept doing things like this he would seriously injure himself. Closing the distance between them he picked Kaen up as though he were a feather. He couldn't quite keep the anger out of his voice completely, the frustration of the day combining with the
anxiety that he felt at the moment.

"What were you thinking?! You've been running a high fever for three days now! You should be in BED!"

Kaen cringed, he'd only wanted to come out and say hello. He had figured that Dan was sick of coming in to see if he was still breathing when he got home.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, eyes downcast.

Danal said nothing, walking him briskly back to their room and depositing him on the bed before going into the bathroom. There was a moment of silence and then the shower turned on. Kaen closed his eyes tight against tears and hid his face in the pillow, curling up and trying to make himself as small as possible. Danal was right, he had been stupid. He was still sick. He would always be sick.

Once he'd had a chance to relax a little, Danal got out of the shower and into a robe. He had a much cooler head on now. Walking out to their room, he stopped and frowned. Kaen was curled up, hiding beneath the sheets. The things that he had said earlier flooded back to him and he frowned, rolling his eyes slightly at his ignorance.  (( Great job, Dan…he wanted to come out and greet you, and you yelled at him.  Way to hold your temper…))

Heaving a heavy sigh, Danal walked over to the bed, and gently sat down beside Kaen's hidden form.  He lifted one hand to Kaen's back and very gently began massaging his lover’s shoulders, gently tracing his fingers along Kaen’s back.  Leaning over the man's slight form, he kissed his ear and cheek with all the tenderness that he possessed.  "I'm sorry," he whispered softly.  "You did nothing wrong, love.  I just…worry about you."

Underneath Danal's fingertips, Kaen was a tense little ball. After a long moment he uncurled and turned over onto his side to face his husband. "I was being stupid…" he said softly, his cheeks red and flushed from fever and his eyes suspiciously red as well. He sighed a little and pulled the blankets closer around him. "I won't be stupid anymore… I promise."

Frowning slightly, the older man curled up around Kaen, and cuddled with him as gently as he would a baby.  He kissed his forehead, then moved back to stare into those deep eyes.  "You're not stupid.  Don't call yourself that." Brushing the hair out of the younger man's face he touched their noses together, and smiled.  "I don't blame you for wanting to get out of this bed.
 I'd be even more restless.  Just… be careful, love.  I don't want you to get hurt."  Gathering the smaller boy in his arms, he turned them over, allowing Kaen to use him as a pillow.  "I love you, Kaen."

Kaen smiled sleepily, and rested his head on his husband's chest.  "I love you too, Dan."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

+ A Month Later…+

Danal walked into the house, expecting to come home to a sick hubby, a dirty house, and more stress than he had just come from. ((I swear, one more day of that damn place and I'm going to kill something. ))

What greeted him was a surprise. The laundry that Dan had been neglecting all week was either folded or hanging and quite clean. There was a small, but nice-smelling meal resting on the table, and a rather good looking Kaen resting on the couch in a red-bathrobe. At the sound of the door he opened his pretty purple-red eyes and smiled at Danal, the smile that always made
the older man melt. "Hi sweetie. Welcome home."

Danal couldn't quite put a finger on what he felt there. It certainly wasn't anger though. Kaen didn't look too taxed, and he was resting like he was supposed to. Walking over to the couch he scooped his 'midget' up and hugged him close.

Kaen laughed softly and wrapped his arms about Danal's neck and his legs about Dan's waist. "Is it okay?"

Danal kissed him for a long moment. "Smells wonderful. You feeling better today?"

Kaen nodded. "I have some energy for once," he said with a trace of annoyance.

At dinner Kaen sat across from Danal quietly and listened as the stories about work came pouring out of his mouth. It had been rather unintentional, but once the flow of words had started there had been no stopping them. He told Kaen about all of the rude things that people said to him, how stressed he had been, and how crappy he felt overall. It was wonderful to have someone to talk to finally.

After dinner they sat down on the couch, Danal with his head resting in Kaen's lap as the smaller man stroked his hair slowly, repetitively, like one would when soothing a child.  For once in a long time, Danal felt at peace. He sighed softly as those loving fingers trailed through his hair, and after a while, almost purred at the motion.  Smiling, he looked up at Kaen with sleepy and affectionate eyes.  …"Have I ever told you how much I love you?"

 Kaen leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on his mouth. "Yes…" he said softly. "Let's go to bed Dan. We're both tired…"
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+ Two Weeks Later +

Once again, Danal wanted to hit something.  Out of all of the shitty days that he had endured at the hellhole known as work, this was the shittiest yet. After a morning full of taunts, his boss had called him in to 'talk about his performance'. It seemed like the idiots were just trying to find something wrong with him so that they could fire him. It was too much to take. Unlocking the door he stepped inside, to find it silent as a tomb. This was not a good sign. When Kaen was feeling well there was usually the smell of cooking food or music of some sort, with his beautiful tenor of a husband's voice accompanying it. Today there was nothing. The house was uncomfortably hot. It was late spring and Kaen hadn't had the sense to get up and turn the air-conditioning on, or had he forgotten? It was all such a blur that he didn't want to think about it too hard.

Walking up stairs he was met by a very nasty shock. Kaen was lying down in the hallway, like he'd fallen. Or fallen asleep. With his pulse thudding in his throat Danal half walked and half ran up to Kaen, to find him rather cold to the touch, but still thankfully alive. Things had been worse in the past, but he still debated about taking Kaen to the E.R. or not. Deciding no,
he scooped the boy up and took him into their bedroom, tucking him in, and pulling his braid out from under him so he wouldn't roll onto it.

Shaking a little, and not noticing it, he went out into the kitchen in a daze. He wasn't hungry, but he was thirsty. Opening the
refrigerator, the first thing that he saw was a bottle of red wine. Grabbing it and pulling out the cork, he took a swig. Most of the bottle was gone, so it wouldn't hurt to just finish it off would it?  Using that logic he went out to sit on the couch and proceeded to do just that.

Soon enough, the wine was gone, and Danal relaxed against the couch, not quite drunk, but pleasantly buzzed.  The wine bottle had been put into the recycle bin, and the air-conditioner had been put on high.  Smiling a little waggishly, the older man simply sat, not feeling well, yet feeling much better than he had been.  (( If only there were a little more…))

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

+ 6 Months, 2 weeks later +

It was Christmas now, and the snow fell softly to the ground.  Almost all over the world people were singing to holiday carols, and children were sitting at the fireplace, wide-eyed and expecting.  The season was full of  cheer for many, yet this house hold held no such joy.

“Can’t you do anything right?!”  Danal roared, looking over the mess on the floor.  Decorations were scattered all over the floor, the tree looked as though it were about to fall over, and in the midst of all of it were shards of glass and smeared blood.

Kaen cringed.  Once more he’d tried to be helpful; to be of some service instead of lying there in that damn bed.  Looking down at the floor, he began his nervous habit of biting his lip and remaining silent.

Danal sneered at him, picking up the glass shards and haphazardly throwing them into the nearest trash can.  Shaking his head, he muttered and cleaned up as much of the mess as he could.  “Kaen… you damn well know that you should be in bed.  Why the hell do you try to do things that you know you can’t do?  Has your sickness made you feeble-minded?  Has it?”  Growling, he shoved the tree back up with a force that made a resounding thud against the wall. There was another thud as it crashed to the floor.  “Answer me!”

Kaen visibly shook as he fought the tears that he knew were in his eyes and threatening to fall. If he cried Danal only got nastier. He didn’t know what the right answer was. Pretty much anything that he said would make his husband angry.

“Yes.” He whispered, breathing in slowly, trying to control himself. His throat was getting tight. “I wasn’t thinking. It was stupid to think that I could help. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. I’ll be good.” He tried his hardest to be non-threatening, submissive like he felt he was supposed to be. Danal was the least angry when he didn’t do anything more than sit and be quiet.

“Obviously, you weren’t thinking,” the older man stated coolly.  “You don’t know how to think anymore.”  Walking briskly out of the room, Danal went to the fridge, pulling out a bottle of brandy, which was, at this point, the only alcoholic beverage that could make him relax.

Taking a long pull from the bottle, Danal picked up a small package from the end table in their living room, and threw it at Kaen’s feet.  “Merry Christmas,” he stated with an angry tone.  “Hopefully you won’t kill yourself before New Years.”

Kaen picked up the package. His chest was tight for several different reasons.   (( I don’t think you’d care if I did die…)) he thought quietly, carefully holding the package and opening it slowly. His arm was bleeding from the broken glass, but he just didn’t care anymore. It didn’t hurt any more than the rest of him. However, he opened the present with the other hand, so he wouldn’t get blood on it. At least Danal had gotten him something.  (( He must still care a little…)) he ran his finger absently along the ring on his ring-finger, the symbol of their union. Not for the first time that evening did he feel like weeping unashamedly.

The gift turned out to be a mug with a little musical note on it. Something deep inside Kaen was wounded, but at the same time, he hadn’t even expected that much. He took it out and looked at it. It was a nice mug. “Thank you Danal…” he said softly, but clearly. “I like it.”  He shuddered to think what would happen if he hadn’t acknowledged the gift. Carefully, he got up and walked to their room, where he had put Danal’s present. He’d gotten the older man a very warm and soft sweater in Dan’s favorite color and a pocket watch. He’d gone without a month’s worth of medication for some of his minor problems. He’d felt that Dan was worth it. He just prayed that Danal wouldn’t ask about it. They didn’t have a great deal of money to begin with.  If he lied, it was very likely that Danal would hit him.

Carefully he walked out and put the package on the counter next to Danal. “Merry Christmas Danal…” he said softly, retreating away a few feet. Over the last few months Dan had become very funny about personal space.

Danal sat with a stony face, looking as if he were at the brink of violent anger.  He glanced at the other coolly, then looked back to the package.  Opening it slowly, Danal threw the wrapping at the floor, scattering small bits of it all over the room.  With a dismissive look, the older man threw the sweater at the ground as if it were no better than the bits of wrapping that it covered.  His eyes widened, however, when he saw the watch at the bottom.

Fixing Kaen with a suspicious stare, he lifted it up for both of them to see.  “Kaen?” he asked with a dangerous tone.  “How did you pay for this?”

Kaen screwed up what little courage he had left in his tiny body. Softly, but clearly he spoke. “I did without some stuff for it. Lovers do things like that for each other Danal.” He didn’t chance the nick-name Dan anymore. “If you don’t like it I-I’ll take it back,” his voice faltered slightly. His arm was stinging, and the blood was getting on the carpet. It was a black carpet though, it didn’t matter. “I never took any of your money for it. The bills and stuff always came first…” he looked so fragile, standing there, a wide-eyed doll, pale and trembling. His hair was tangled, he hadn’t had the energy or the time to comb it in ages, but Danal liked it down. And whatever Danal wanted, Danal got. He was the one that was giving Kaen a home. The tiny boy knew that without Dan he would be on welfare, and miserable. He was sure of it.

Danal ran his hand through his hair, and rubbed at his temples as he often did as of late.  It was a motion of strain and stress.  He sighed gravely.  “So once again, you decide to do something detrimental to your health. What exactly did you do without?”

Kaen clenched his fists lightly at his sides. “Just the Motrin and some of the other pain-killers, nothing that would endanger me.” Unconsciously Kaen had put a doorway, a couch and a chair between himself and Danal.

The older man growled, putting the box down on the bed.  The utterly terrified look on the other’s face only egged him on.  With furious eyes he advanced, easily going around the furniture in between them.

The first mistake that the smaller man made was to try and run away. Danal gave an angry sound and jumped, knocking him hard on the floor, so that his mouth snapped shut with an audible ‘click’. From there Dan had him pinned, just where he was supposed to be. Hitting Kaen in the back of the head he growled out through clenched teeth, “what are you doing running away from me you stupid little shit? It’s Christmas, we’re supposed to be together.”

Kaen made a small, mewling noise of pain. His head seemed to have exploded. Stars danced behind his eyes. Whimpering audibly as Dan’s knee dug into his back he finally resorted to pleading. “Please Dan, please stop it.” His voice was strained and full of fear.

“Why should I?”

“You’re HURTING ME!”

“This isn’t hurting you… you haven’t seen anything.”

Kaen had miscalculated badly. He was still angry. And now he was angrier. He felt himself lifted up and thrown, over a chair and down into the mess that he’d made earlier with the ornaments. The glass dug into his back and arms, and he screamed in surprised pain. Always so much pain. He couldn’t breathe. Gasping and coughing, he lay there, as Danal advanced on him once again, looking like death itself, stepping forward to greet him. Leaning down it almost looked as if Danal was simply going to touch his cheek. His head jerked to the side as Danal hit him as hard as he could across the face.

“STOP looking at me like that! You deserve it! I take care of you all the goddamn time and then you make me go and do this.”

Kaen coughed again, he didn’t have enough air left in his body to argue. As if feeling it from outside of his body, Danal kicked him a couple of times, and then it stopped, as abruptly as it had begun. His lip was bleeding, from where he’d been slapped. His whole body felt tender. The glass still dug into his back. It seemed like he had become one giant nerve. Danal’s footsteps receded, and there was the sound of a door opening and closing.

Rolling onto his side Kaen simply cried.

While most households were full of love, songs, and dessert, this place held only fear and anger.  Fists flew in the darkness, leaving the weak weaker, and the angry angrier.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

+ The Next Day +

Kaen slowly opened his eyes, he didn’t want to wake up. All of him hurt. His face was very tender, his lip was split. Easing himself out of bed he snuck into the bathroom so that he could bandage himself up. It took a while, his hands were shaking terribly. He took his morning medication and a deep shot of his inhaler, making some, but not all of the pain in his chest leave. Not all of the pain could be banished with a drug. The mug with the musical note had broken last night. Wistfully he thought of the cup of tea he had been planing to have. Resting his aching head against the mirror he closed his eyes. His scalp hurt, Dan had pulled on his hair.   Honestly, he had begun to ponder this rather abusive relationship.  What was the point in sticking around when all he got for it were bruises?

(( This…isn’t working. ))

The front door of the small house opened and closed softly.  Kaen’s ears caught the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs.  Without even thinking, he looked around for a place to hide.  The lock on the bathroom door didn’t work anymore; not since Danal had broken it in an earlier fight.  With wide, fearful eyes, the young man opened up the cabinet doors, and crawled in, pushing the towels aside. As skinny he had become, there was no problem with fitting in the small space.

“Kaen?”  A soft, gentle voice called.

The young man’s heart beat wildly in his chest.  ((Please God… don’t let him hurt me.))  Closing his eyes, he curled himself into a tiny ball, praying that his spouse wouldn’t find him.

“Kaen, love, where are you?”   Danal searched through the room carefully, his eyes full of worry.  Tears of guilt streamed down his face as time wore on.  There was no sign of the smaller man anywhere.  (( Did he run away?  …))  Hanging his head, he began walking over into the bathroom, looking into the mirror.  (( I wouldn’t blame him…. Oh God, what have I done?))

“K…Kaen??”  his voice broke, and the tears started flowing again.  With a choking sob, Danal fell down to the floor.  “Oh God, Kaen, I’m sorry.  I never meant to hurt you…it was just… the stress and the brandy…I’ll… I’ll never do it again.”  He sobbed in silence for a bit, before continuing softly.  “Please, Kaen.  … I  love you.”

Kaen shivered for a while longer. He remembered the one time that Dan had done something similar to get him to come out of his old hiding place. Yet those sounds were sincere. There was fake crying and then there was honest grief. This was the later. Mentally hitting himself he slipped out of the cabinet next to Danal, staring quietly at the boy sitting on the bathroom floor.

“Don’t cry.” He said in a husky voice. His throat hurt a little. He’d ended up screaming a bit last evening, it hadn’t been intentional, but he had landed on the broken glass.

Danal stared at Kaen’s battered form and felt his heart lurch.  He began to reach out and cup the younger man’s face, but quickly laid his hand down as he realized that such an attempt at comfort would only hurt his poor spouse more.  “What have I done to you?” he whispered softly, staring into nothingness.  His expression was one of horror and disbelief, and his eyes shone once more with new tears.

“I’m so sorry…” He shook his head.  No words could ever take away what he had done to this poor man.  No words would ever be able to; not even in a lifetime.  Reaching out, he took Kaen’s un-scared hand into his own, and rubbed it gently, almost absent mindedly.

Kaen wanted to pull away, but at the same time he realized that Danal wasn’t going to hurt him. Danal had been crying. Danal was sorry. That was all that ran through his exhausted and stressed mind. (( He’s sorry… he still loves me….))  Slowly he twined his fingers in with Danal’s, drawing the distressed man up against him and lightly running his fingers through Danal’s hair. Tears that he couldn’t hold back anymore, fell down his face and dripped off his chin.

“Just don’t hurt me anymore Dan, please don’t. Just.. no more. I can’t bear it. I can’t.”

His face crumpled and he cried softly, even while trying to comfort the person that hurt him, and had seemed to enjoy it so much.

Danal cried with him, the throbbing in his heart only getting worse.  Finally he stood up, kissing Kaen on the head softly.  “No more,” he replied simply, and from that moment he progressed to emptying every bottle in the house of its contents.

“I swear to you, Kaen… I will never, ever hurt you again,” he stated softly, but intensely as he gathered the smaller man into his arms.  He laid the other carefully down on the bed after cleaning up and re-bandaging the wounds that Kaen had done a shoddy job on.  Curling up beside him, Danal stroked his hair and face very carefully, smiling sadly.

Kaen spoke quietly beside him. “Do you want to try on your sweater?” There was still a great deal of fear in his voice, even now. He was afraid that this sweet Danal would disappear, and his angry, abusive husband would come back.

Danal smiled reassuringly, sensing the other’s fear.  “Of course, love.”  Walking downstairs, he grabbed the garment, and slipped it on over his shirt as he began walking back.  It was a very warm and soft shirt, one that Kaen had obviously gone through some trouble in finding; he’d certainly never seen it in the stores that he shopped at.

Smiling his own secret smile, he took another small package out of the coat that he’d been wearing that morning and continued walking into their bedroom.

“I love it, Kaen,”  he stated warmly, his eyes sparkling.  “Thank you.”  Planting a tender kiss on his husband’s head, he placed the new package gingerly into the other’s lap.  “…Here’s your real present, love.”

Kaen carefully took it up. Peeling back the paper he found a little box. Opening it he stared quietly at the little golden cross that was nestled in black velvet on a gold chain. Sniffing a little, he took it out and carefully put it around his neck, though he had a time of it, as his arm was hurting him. It would have made sense for him to ask Danal, but some of his old fears were still very fresh and would not let him ask for help. If he were going to get close to Dan, he would do it on his own terms. Little touches were fine, but he wasn’t ready for anything more than that.

The gold glittered against his mocha-skin. Smiling sweetly, he looked up to Danal. “Thank you sweetie.” He murmured. “It’s lovely.”  Looking down he noted that there was something else in the package. Unwrapping it as well he grinned. It was one of Andrea Bocelli’s CDs. The man was an incredible tenor and Kaen had fun singing along with him. Or at least he had enjoyed singing along with him when he still felt like singing. It had been a long time since Danal had heard his voice used in such a manner.

Kaen reached out and very carefully hugged Danal, resting his face against the older man’s shoulder.  As he did so, strong arms gently embraced him.  The initial reaction was to try and get out of his grasp,  yet the fear of getting the other angry outweighed the instinct to get away.

Danal sighed, feeling a little more content.  (( He reached out to hug me… he tensed a bit, but at least he made the motion.  Maybe…maybe we can get past this…))  Letting the younger man go, he smiled a gentle smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.  He kissed Kaen gently before he drifted off into sleep.  He felt bittersweet inside, knowing that even if Kaen could forgive him, he would never forgive himself.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

+ Next Month +

The time after Christmas had gone fairly smoothly. The house became the tranquil place that it should have been. Danal, after having so many difficulties at his old job, transferred and found a better position with a different company. They paid him better and the staff was more accepting of him in general. Kaen remained, for the most part, a home-body. Though his emotional state got better, his physical state did not improve.

Danal came home one evening to one of the most beautiful sounds that he had ever heard. Kaen was singing, softly, along with the disc-man that he wore around the house. Their stereo was nice, but it was upstairs and too heavy to carry around, so Danal had gotten Kaen a walkman so that he could listen to music if he was lurking downstairs.

Coming inside he smiled a little, listening. Perhaps, one day Kaen would be professional. It was not a likelihood, but stranger things had happened.

“I’m home midget!”

Kaen walked into the entryway and smiled at Danal, carefully hugging him around the waist and planting a light kiss on his lips. Danal had been sober since the day after Christmas, and each day seemed to get a little better. He wasn’t afraid anymore. Dan had even gotten him a new mug with a note on it, and it remained one of his favorite mugs. It was usually the container of Kaen’s morning tea.

“How was work?”

“It was fine,” he said, smiling, leaning down so that their noses touched. “Feeling okay today?”

Kaen nodded a little, looking up through his lashes at the man he was proud to call his husband, once more. “Yes. I napped most of the afternoon.” He yawned softly. “Carry me?” he asked. It wasn’t a request that he would have dared to make earlier in the year. Danal laughed and nodded, scooping him up carefully and walking him into the kitchen, where he put Kaen down in a chair.

“Any other requests, my sweet?”

“Aspirin,” Kaen murmured, rubbing a temple. He had a headache, and his chest hurt. Neither occurrence was particularly unusual, but he was feeling the pain all the same.

Danal smiled a bit sadly, but kept the act going.  Kissing Kaen on the head, he bowed low in a courtly manner.  “As you wish.”  The older man gave him a playful wink as he left the room in his search for medication.

Around the corner Kaen could hear some cabinets opening and closing, along with an exclaimed ‘eureka’.  He smirked slightly, rolling his eyes.  “Found the treasure, have we?”

A muffled affirmative grunt came from the other room, and once again Kaen could hear the noise of his lover’s footsteps.  He extended his arm slightly, waiting for Danal.  “Hurry it up, will you,”  he called out teasingly.

Danal made a non-committal noise and Kaen settled waiting for him. (( It’s so good to have my Dan back…)) he thought quietly, managing to ignore the throbbing pain between his eyes. ((I just hope, that this will all go away sometime soon.. He doesn’t need any more stress. I want him to be happy, and stay that way. ))   Kaen smiled again, noting that Danal was wearing the sweater that he’d given him for Christmas.

Walking into the kitchen, the older man placed the bottle of aspirin in Kaen’s outstretched hand as well as a kiss on his husband’s temple.  “Pain waits for no man, eh?”  He  smiled a little and walked over to the sink, getting Kaen a glass of water to wash the pills down with.

Kaen took four out of the bottle and waited for the water. Once Danal handed it over he downed them all in a gulp and sat there quietly for a moment, his eyes mostly closed.

“I have a doctor’s appointment next Monday.” He commented quietly, sweeping some of his hair back over his shoulder where it belonged. Danal sighed softly, a wry smile coming to his face.  Would the appointments never stop?  Why couldn't his poor spouse simply stay healthy?  Instead of voicing these questions, the older man simply nodded, and forced himself to lighten up.  Kaen was going through enough and he didn't need any more depressing, or woeful thoughts.

"What time?"

“Three thirty,” Kaen replied quietly. “I think I can catch a bus. You don’t have to take time off of work for it.” He certainly didn’t want to stress Dan out anymore than he had already.

The elder man shook his head, easily dismissing the idea.  "Don't do that, I can get time off of work easily now.  Besides, if I didn't drive you, I'd worry about you being stuck somewhere without being able to walk to a bus."  Walking over to Kaen, he wrapped his arms around the smaller man and kissed the top of his head softly.  Snorting, he edged away a bit.  "I've always worried though, haven't I?  Though you can't blame me, can you?  You've just started being able to walk a couple of blocks. I just don't want anything to happen to you..."

Kaen nodded slowly, understanding where Dan was coming from on this. There had been several occasions where he had passed out and not realized it. He smiled over a little at Dan, finding that good humor still lived in him.

“Worrying too much gives you wrinkles.” He said softly and seriously. And then he smiled.

Danal snorted, but found himself smiling all the same.  "What?  Are you saying that I look old now?"  Chuckling softly, he pulled Kaen to him gently, gathering the slight man in his arms.  Kaen smiled a sweet smile and leaned against Danal once again. "No, That's not what I'm saying..." he murmured softly, holding the hands that held him. "I'm saying I'm in love with you," he murmured rather dreamily, glancing up at Danal with a lovely smile.

Something in the elder man's heart melted as he heard those words, and it melted even more when he saw Kaen's smile.  Without thinking, he fingered his wedding band, remembering the special times they'd shared.  "Well, that's good, darling, because I'm in love with you too."

Kaen smiled, reaching up and capturing Danal's ring hand with his own. He smiled, seeing the two rings. "That's good, " he said softly. His heart was a little heavy, he had a feeling that this good time wouldn't last too much longer. It wasn't something that he'd told Danal, but he was fairly sure that he was dying. It was likely that the doctors would agree with him. It made him sad. Squeezing Danal's hand a little he sighed softly. "Can we go to the park today sweetheart? And just lay there under the stars on a blanket? You said we could the other day, but we never got around to it. It's warm enough..."

Danal bit at his lip, gazing into the other's eyes.  "Are you sure that you're up to it?"

Kaen nodded with a smile. "If I'm not," he whispered secretively, "then you can carry me." It was true enough. Kaen weighed a little less than one hundred pounds. He was underweight, but there wasn’t a great deal that he could do about it. Laughing, the other man picked him up in one smooth movement, his eyes full of amusement.  Bending down slightly, Danal whispered in his ear.  "Even if you were, I'd have to have the pleasure of carrying you."  With that said, Kaen's spouse kissed him soundly and carried him to the car. Kaen giggled like a girl and kicked his feet, holding onto Danal's neck, thinking that, that particular moment in time was utterly perfect. It was something that he didn't ever want to end. As Danal put him in the car he smiled and buckled himself in.

Giving the younger man a kiss on the cheek, Danal closed the door and walked over to his side, a peaceful smile resting on his face.  All seemed to be going well, he just hoped that Kaen's good state would last this time.  On the way to the park, he picked up something for them to eat.  It had been such a long time since they'd been out of that house; it felt so good.

The walk to the spot that they wanted was tranquil. Crickets and other night creatures sang softly and shifted in the grasses that surrounded them. There was a warm breeze that evening, and it made Kaen’s bangs flutter, like curtains over his exotic eyes.  Kaen held onto Danal’s hand tightly as they walked, he carrying the blanket and Danal carrying their food. Danal’s fingers were tightly twined with his own. The stars shone overhead. Everything seemed perfect.

Danal spread out the blanket in a flourish, smiling. He made sure that there was room enough for them both, then he kicked off his shoes and sat down.

Kaen stood there in the twilight and looked at his husband. For the first time in two years he saw Danal with nothing but an overwhelming sense of love. Moving slowly he slid down to sit with Dan. The wool was soft underneath his fingertips, the air temperature was just right.

Danal opened the food without comment, enjoying the fresh air and the serenity of the evening. It was lovely to be outside; out of the house and away from their troubles. The food smelled good, he realized that he was very hungry. Kaen reached around him and snagged an apple, biting into it slowly.

Smirking slightly, the elder man tickled at Kaen’s ribs a bit, a gentle, and playful gesture that had been neglected until recently.  He laughed as his lover squealed, and moved the lighter man into his lap.  Sitting like that, the now contented pair ate, laughed, and forgot all of the sorrows of life.  The past years had been lifted from them as though nothing at all had happened, and both reveled in the pleasures of each other’s company.

Resting his head against his lover’s chest, Danal sighed contentedly.  It seemed as though all was forgiving, and while he would never forget his harmful spurts, at least he would have the comfort of knowing that they’d moved on.  Smiling, the older man wrapped his arms around the other, to wrap him in a tight hug, pressing his ear fully against the other’s chest.  Soon the smile faded as he heard the irregularities of Kaen’s weak heart.

Kaen’s fingers danced through his hair, fingers gently brushing his scalp. “What’s wrong Dan? You just got all tense.”

Danal didn’t want to say anything. There wasn’t anything that Kaen could do about it. “Nothing sweetheart…” he murmured, tightening his hold a small amount.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

+Two Months Later +

Their luck ran out. Luck had a way of doing that. One day Kaen was fine, looking a little droopy, but his usual sweet self. The next moment he was unconscious on the floor, not breathing and clutching at his chest.

Danal could remember the entire episode like a particularly poignant nightmare. However, this was a waking nightmare, and there was no escaping into reality. He ran his hand along his jaw; he hadn’t shaved in a couple of days. They hadn’t let him see Kaen at first.  It made sense for no visitors to be allowed in the first couple of days.  The patient was, after all, just beginning to mend, to become more stabilized.  He was certain, however, that if he hadn’t been listed as Kaen’s next-of-kin, that they wouldn’t have let him visit at all.  Homosexual marriages weren’t sanctioned here, and only family members could visit someone in intensive care.

Outside the small room, nurses were running from patient to patient.  It was one of the noisy periods where the hospitalized were more needy, and the hospital workers were understaffed.  Moans of pain came from just about every room, and Danal had to fight to block it out.  He’d never liked being in these places, that wasn’t any secret, but he had to stay.  He had to stay for Kaen; it was the least he could do.  Perhaps, somehow, he could help his lover come back from this.

Somewhere nearby, a woman hesitantly cleared her throat.  “Um… sir?  Mr. Danal Kein?  Visiting hours are over, sir.  I’m afraid you’ll have to leave.”

The man didn’t turn toward the voice rather, he got closer to his husband.  Shaking his head, he sighed.  “Please…just…let me watch over him.”

The woman’s voice got more plaintive as she spoke.  “Sir, we can’t do that.  You have to leave.”  Pausing, she looked over Danal with worried eyes.  “Why don’t you just go home.  Get some rest.  You can always come back and visit in the morning.  We’ll watch over him with all of our ability, you have my word.”

“You’re understaffed,” Danal replied quietly, “Why not just let me watch over him, while you attend to your other patients.”

“It’s not allowed, sir.  You can’t stay over night.”

A cool burst of air went past the nurse as Danal walked by, finally giving up.  It was quite obvious that he wasn’t happy about this.  Biting her lip, the nurse watched him go for a few seconds before turning her attention toward the patient.  The machines showed that Kaen was still breathing, but he was breathing rather shallowly.  She wasn’t sure if he was going to make it.

Just a few miles down the road, Danal sat on the couch, staring blankly at the wall.  He couldn’t quite move, nor could he think.  Just after a couple of months the happier times had been shattered.  Everything eventually shattered, it seemed.  Wrapping his arms slightly around himself his eyes moved slowly from the wall to a small compartment beside the TV.  Slowly, he got up and opened it, staring at the last bottle within the house.  It was a small bottle of whiskey, and once again, the bottle seemed to be the only thing that could take away his pain.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

+A Few Days Later… +

Kaen woke up a few days later from the drug-induced stupor that they’d had him under. He felt burnt out and ill and sad. Looking around he didn’t see Danal. He supposed that he hadn’t woken during visiting hours, but he couldn’t stand to be alone. It was too much. Reaching out a little he looked around. Everything seemed fairly quiet. Most of the people surrounding him were sleeping. Every now and then nurses glided through the halls. Outside, two nurses were talking about him. After ignoring them for a minute or so, he realized that they were, in fact, speaking -about- him.

“- said that he probably will have to have some major heart-surgery done. There’s a hole in his heart. I wonder why his family didn’t take care of it?”

“He’s estranged from them, I did a background checkup to see if there was anyone else that he could turn to beside his next-of-kin. There’s nothing. His insurance only goes so far. It’s going to be expensive, and he’s probably going to need a pacemaker.”

Kaen felt himself grow cold. Money, one of the things they didn’t have. (( It always comes down to that.))

The door to Kaen’s room opened slowly, revealing a somewhat small, but stocky figure with red eyes and groggy features.  The man looked as though life had been drained out of him slowly, and was being drained still.  Inwardly, Kaen winced, he hated seeing that expression on Danal.  Raising his head as much as he could, he tried to look reassuringly at the other, though he knew that one simple gesture wasn’t going to make everything better.

Blue eyes widened as Danal realized that the other man was awake.  He found himself smiling in spite of the conditions.  “Love…” he stated softly, as he walked over to his husband.  Gingerly, he hugged the slight man, making sure that he didn’t get in the way of any of the connecting wires.  “How do you feel?”

  Kaen wrapped his arms around Danal, comforting as well as seeking comfort. “I feel like shit…” he stated honestly, resting his cheek against Danal’s shoulder. “How do you feel sweetheart? You look like hell.”

There was room for Danal to sit down on the bed, and Kaen gently tugged him down into a sitting position, running his fingers gently through Danal’s rather ratty hair. He’d been neglecting personal hygiene as of late, but that was typical Danal. When he fretted he concentrated on what he was worrying about, and let everything else slip away.

Danal sighed, leaning in and burying his face against Kaen’s hair. “I’ve been worried about you,” he whispered against Kaen’s ear.

Kaen rubbed Danal’s back, opting to tell him about the likelihood of very expensive surgeries later. “You worry too much. I’m alive. I’m fairly well. It’s okay.” Resting his lips against Danal’s brow, he wished he could just make it go away. “It’s okay…” he repeated, quietly, beginning to believe it himself.

One of the night nurses watched them and felt bad. She’d listened to one of her coworker’s telling the story of how she’d had to kick Mr. Kein out. Looking at them now, she realized that she wouldn’t have had the heart to do such a thing.

Danal began to feel calm. Kaen wasn’t dead; he didn’t seem to be dying. Kaen was all right. Kaen was reassuring him. That image, and that reality did not mesh correctly with the sights he had seen in earlier days; of the fragile little man trapped in wires that invaded his body, the sounds of his breath lost amidst the beeps and chimes of machinery.

“You need to take a shower…” Kaen said softly. There was a gently ‘whirrring’ noise as he clicked his bed into a sitting position. In honesty, he didn’t have the strength to sit up on his own. Danal snorted his breath warm against Kaen’s skin.

“So do you…” he murmured.

Kaen grinned, resting his head against Danal’s. “I have an excuse. They don’t let you shower here. What’s yours?”

Smirking against Kaen’s neck, the elder man moved in a little closer, running his fingers through his love’s long, and tangled hair.  “I don’t need an excuse… I’m the designated worrier.”  Kissing him softly, Danal sighed.  “You just like the food here, don’t you?”

Kaen nodded, feeling his heart lighten. Dan definitely had his moments. “It’s so good I may have to leave you and stay here,” he quipped gently, laying a light kiss on Danal’s lips. Exhaustion crawled through him like a poison, but he didn’t want to waste what time he did have with Dan.

Pouting playfully, Danal kissed Kaen back, staring at him with tired, but loving eyes.  “Are you saying that my meat loaf isn’t good enough for you anymore?”

Kaen nodded. “Your meatloaf just doesn’t satisfy me honey,” he winked, feeling playful even though he was tired.

Growling, Danal assaulted his love with a few more gently placed kisses, laughing in spite of himself.  Propping himself back up with one arm, he looked down at Kaen, a slight smirk resting upon his face.  “Of course, you know, you do actually have to put out well to get good meatloaf.”  Moving back slightly, he got out of his husband’s hitting range, his eyes shimmering with amusement.

Kaen had neither the strength, nor the presence of mind to want to hit Danal. He simply put on his best pout. “Oh you…” he muttered, his eyes sparkling. Then the little shock of pain hit him. It got that much harder to breathe. Closing his eyes he leaned back into the embrace of the bed, taking soft breaths, trying to ride the pain instead of letting it wash him under as it usually did. When he opened his eyes again, he smiled weakly at Danal. “Get your ass home, take a shower and a nap then come and see me. You’re too scary looking. I refuse to look at you until you look like my fine hot man again.”

Danal saw straight through his love’s weak attempt at humor. Sitting down on the edge of the bed again, he ran his fingers along Kaen’s face, cupping his chin in his palm. “You’re still sick.”

Kaen nodded a little, leaning over to kiss his palm. “I know…” he whispered, closing his eyes and trying his best not to look distressed.

“You have to promise me that you won’t die while I’m gone.”

The utterly serious tone of Danal’s voice was too much for Kaen to deal with. A tear slipped down his face. “I promise sweetheart.”

Danal kissed the tear away, feeling like an ass for making Kaen cry. He gathered the younger man up in his arms for a long moment and held him carefully. “I’ll be back soon,” he said, before slipping out.
 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

+ Later, That Month…+

The door opened slowly, allowing a stressed and worn out man to crawl through.  Again, it hadn’t been a good day.  His co-workers had grown negligent of their tasks, and he had to do practically all of their jobs for them.  Supposedly, he was due to leave work somewhere around 2:00 that afternoon, as it turned out, however, he didn’t leave until 5:30.  Sighing, Danal threw his things to the floor, and closed the door with a slam.  He was tired of this schedule.  He was tired of covering for people who couldn’t do their jobs.  He was tired of having this underlining worry…the worry that while he was out there working something would happen to Kaen.

Speaking of his spouse, he didn’t see his small man around anywhere. He supposed that Kaen was probably napping. Walking up to their room he found that he had assumed correctly. He smiled a little, stroking the sleeping boy’s hair and walking back downstairs into the kitchen. It was time for dinner, but he didn’t have the energy to make himself anything.

((At least he’s doing what he’s supposed to be doing for once…)) he thought, smiling a little. ((He’s staying in bed and resting like he should be.))

It was an unconscious maneuver as he rose, opening a cupboard and pulling out the bottle of brandy; it was something to wind him down. He didn’t do falling down drunk anymore. The thought of Kaen’s bruised face was enough to make him feel ill. Mixing a couple of shots of the amber liquid with some iced tea he sat down in the kitchen. Sipping from the glass, he found himself relaxing, in increments.  ((I’m okay… I can deal. I can just have one drink or so. The bottles aren’t filling up the recycle-bin anymore. I’m being a good boy. )) The last thought made him feel a tad bitter, but he didn’t let the feeling move him.

There were the sounds of footsteps in he hall. Kaen came into the rather ghostly light of the kitchen, holding his bathrobe closed. He held onto the doorway for a bit of support, resting his head there as well.

“So, how was your day?”

Danal frowned. “It was…tiring.”

“I could make you something.”

 Danal shook his head. “You’re supposed to be resting.”

“I’m not an invalid.” Kaen’s expression moved to one of mild annoyance.

“I understand that, but you still need to rest. You’re mending.”

“You worry too much.”

Danal grit his teeth. That just sounded damn ungrateful and rather stupid. With the amount of things that were wrong with his husband, it still surprised him that Kaen was alive. “I don’t think so.”

Kaen stood there quietly, watching him. “I made the iced tea this morning.”

“Doc said you weren’t supposed to be lifting things.”

Kaen pursed his lips, angrily. Danal could have had the decency to tell him if it tasted good or not. A thank you wouldn’t have been bad either. He understood fully that he should be resting. Yet, one could only take so much lying down before one got cranky, and tired of lying down.

“I have to start sometime Dan.”

Danal shook his head, feeling a burst of angry protectiveness well up in him. “Now is not the time love.”

Kaen’s frown deepened.  He’d had quite enough of being pampered. “I think I understand my body a little better than you do Danal.”

Dan frowned as well. “I’m just looking out for you!”

Kaen had taken enough. It had started out as a bad morning, he tripped and hurt himself, and Dan didn’t like his tea. “I’M SICK OF IT!”

He stomped his foot, clutching the wall tightly. “I am sick and tired of being SICK! I am not weak, I am not an invalid and I’ve lived with a shitty heart and a whole assload of other problems before I met you! I am not incapable of doing the simplest things!”

Danal recoiled at the unexpected outburst and being that he was slightly judgement impaired, he let his temper flare back.  “After all I’ve done for you, you stand here and tell me that you’re sick of it?  I’m trying to protect you Kaen! Can’t you see that?  Are you so ungrateful that you can’t even appreciate that?  YOU’RE sick of it… no, dearest, -I- am sick of it.  I’m sick of woorking my ass off to try and get you healthy, while you keep doing things that are detrimental to your health!”

Kaen glared at him, snapping back. “If you’re so fucking tired of it then just kick me the hell out. It’s your house, everything’s yours; because yes, honey,” he drawled out the word with a very unpleasant sneer on his face, “ I can’t seem to do anything right and I’m sick all the time.”

There was a short, unpleasant pause, as Kaen seemed to think about something.  “Hey! While you’re at it why don’t you smack me around a little more huh?” Fuming, he dug his nails into the plaster. “If I’m so goddamned high-maintenance find some other boy. I’m sure you can.”  His eyes narrowed to dangerous slits. “After all, I’m just a sick little child… there’s better out there…”

The elder man felt his heart wrench, tears threatening to spill down his cheeks.  Gritting his teeth, he held them back, not about to break down.  Roaring, he threw the bottle of brandy across the floor, watching as it shattered against the wall opposite him.  “You couldn’t live a day without me!” he yelled, turning his fierce eyes to Kaen’s form.  “Without me you would be nothing but a helpless, weakling who can’t even lift a limb.”  An evil smirk rested on his face, and his eyes narrowed as he continued.  "Yes… you’d be sitting there in bed, looking like a whore, but –honey- in you’re condition, you won’t be getting any.”

Kaen crossed the line from angry to murderous. Looking down at the brandy and glass on the kitchen floor, his icy eyes traveled back up to Danal. And all he felt in that moment was hate. The caregiver that he had depended on so much had turned on him, just like everyone else in his life. His tone was soft, and dangerous, hinting at things that would come.

“I … couldn’t…. live a day without you… huh?” He murmured, body so tense that it seemed like he wanted to pounce, like an angry cat.

“Let me tell you something you fucker, at the age of fifteen I was working full time without high school education because my dad beat the FUCKING HELL out of me every goddamned night. At sixteen all this health shit comes up and I keep working. I met you when I was eighteen you fucking fucker. Don’t you stand there, and PRESUME to tell me that I’d be lying on my ass without you. Sure as hell no. You’re just another creepy looser guy who beats people who are supposed to be goddamned important to them.”

His voice was rising steadily with each statement he made. He’d never told Danal a lot of these things, and now was the wrong time to do it.

“And… what’s more… a WHORE?” He snarled, grabbing the nearest object, that stupid mug with the music note.  He smiled suddenly, almost purring. “You know, I’d rather be the common man’s whore than your toy… okay sugar-bunns? I’ve had FUCKING ENOUGH of your bullshit. No more! No more of this shit. You wanna start drinking again, fucking fine. You don’t wanna take care of me, I’m gone. And I HATE YOU TOO!”

Throwing the cup as hard as he could, Kaen hit Danal in the head with it.

A few tears finally escaped as the mug came flying at him, but no words could be spoken.  As the object hit, Danal was promptly knocked out, falling back onto the couch.

Kaen stormed upstairs, gathering his important things and his clothes into a duffel bag and calling a cab. He couldn’t do this anymore. It was too much like the rest of his life. Most of his teenaged years had been spent trying to get away from this kind of stress and anger. Now was the time to get free of it all. When the cabbie came he gave the man the location of his friend’s house about twenty miles away, and got into the cab without looking back, unnoticed tears streaming down his face.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

+ Next Day +

Danal woke up to a splitting headache.  He groaned, rubbing gingerly at his head.  He almost forgot what had happened, until he saw the shards of teacup and glass about the room.  Kaen’s words began to echo in his mind, and as much as he tried to block them, they kept on streaming back into his mind.

 (( “You’re just another creepy looser guy who beats people who are supposed to be goddamned important to them.”  … “Hey! While you’re at it why don’t you smack me around a little more huh?”))  Danal winced, wrapping himself into a little ball, trying to will the thoughts away.  ((… “Apparently, I can’t seem to do anything right and I’m sick all the time.”  … “I HATE YOU.”))

Gasping, the tears streamed down in face as though the floodgates had just been lifted.  That had to be the most painful line of them all.  ((…“I HATE YOU!”))  Shivering Danal drew in a shuddering breath, wiping back his tears.  “Come on… control yourself.  Just go talk to him…” he murmured softly to himself, trying to control his sobs.  “Just… talk… maybe…maybe it’ll be all right.”

 Looking around frantically, he searched the house, calling out to Kaen.          ((He’s not here… where is he?  Where did he go? )) Growing hysterical, Danal ran outside, searching the yard areas.

“KAEN?!”  Once again, the search was to no avail.  Kaen wasn’t anywhere to be found, and Danal felt his heart pound faster with every minute.  ((He could just be at the store or something…maybe…maybe.))  Falling to the ground he began to sob once more.

((Look around, you idiot.  He’s not here, he’s certainly not at any market.  He left you, plain and simple. And why?  Why?  Because you decided to be a complete and total dumbass, that’s why.  You decided to yell at him, and throw bottles across the floor.  You decided to restrict him so much that he couldn’t do anything.  You got yourself into a drunken stupor and beat him those years ago, and then you picked up a goddamn bottle again.  You abused him, you yelled at him, and now you’re crying because he’s run away?))  Danal snorted, wiping his tears on his sleeves, only to have more tears mark his face.  ((He should’ve run away a long time ago.  He’s better off without me…))

Hanging his head, he walked back into the house, sitting in the corner of the kitchen.  “Yes…he is better off without me.  I was the one who couldn’t live without someone else…” With blurred vision, he gazed to a shard of glass a few feet away.  Taking it in the palm of his hand, he swallowed his pride, and lifted it to do the necessary deed.  ((At least…no one will be hurt again…))
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _  _ _

+The Present +

Kaen felt a few more tears fall down his face. It seemed that he’d cried harder than he ever had before. It was such an acute, sharp kind of pain. Things were different when you weren’t in the bed. In a way it was harder to deal with than actually being sick.

They’d found Dan the morning after his suicide attempt. There was blood everywhere. It seemed to have soaked into the very floor. Kaen had come back to apologize. Even if their relationship was dying it should have ended on a positive note, not something like this.

Wrapped up in the embrace of wires and tubes and monitors, Danal looked dead already. It was likely that he would never wake up.

Punching the wall Kaen bit his lip. Walking over to sit on the side of Danal’s bed, he spoke, even though he felt the desire to roam. It was very difficult to sit still. “How could you?” The question was posed in a deeply hurt and accusatory voice.

“What gave you the right, you coward?”

The sheet was wet with a few more teardrops.

“Why did you think that you had the right? You selfish bastard! You weren’t the only one hurting. I was so angry with you…and now I come home and find that I’ve killed you. I killed you with words.”

He shivered, closing his eyes, trying to keep the tears out of his eyes completely. “You were so strong Dan. Where did that go? It couldn’t have been me. You never needed me. All I needed was you though…you were right about that.”  Sniffling a little, he picked up one of Danal’s cool hands and ran his cheek along the older man’s inert fingertips.

“I’ll keep coming to see you. Until you die, or until you wake up. I can’t forgive you for this Dan. I would tell you that I’m leaving you…but… it seems, that you’ve left me first.” He felt woeful, holding Dan’s hand to his chest, covering it with his two. “If you don’t mind…” he said softly, “I think I’ll keep the ring you gave me. I don’t mind remembering the good stuff. I’m sorry sweetie. I’m sorry. I’m angry…but I’m sorry. And it doesn’t matter… ‘cuz you can’t talk to me anymore.”

Carefully he put Danal’s hand back over his chest, reaching out to stroke some stray hair out of the comatose man’s face. “See you tomorrow….” he murmured, as he rose and left the room his heart aching.

Danal hadn’t moved an inch while the other spoke, but his emotions seemed to be caught in a whirlpool.  There were so many things he wanted to say, and so many things he wanted to do, in some sort of feeble attempt to comfort.  Even such an attempt would’ve been better than not being able to do a thing.  With each word Kaen spoke, the desire to speak, to move was stronger.  He wanted to apologize; he wanted to comfort him, but the state that he’d finally come to after all of this drunken torture had prohibited him from speaking at all.

~ El Fin. ~