Paul (Lt. Gen Sir Douglas Haig) � First of all, I want a massive artillery barrage that will knock out all German resistance in an18 mile long section of the front. All of it! All! Ahhhh! I want 1,500 British guns backed by almost the same amount of French artillery.
Kashif (Dwight) � Wow! Pretty confident eh?
Paul (Lt. Gen Sir Douglas Haig) � Ahhhhh. We are gonna win! Johoooo! Just don�t tell anyone.
Kashif (Dwight) � Ummmm� ok. Well this is the end of today�s broadcast, we will have more info on the Battle of Somme on July 1st when the British attack the Germans.
2 weeks later
Kashif (Dwight) � Good mourning Germany. Hello, this is Dwight reporting from Berlin, Germany and you are listening to GWS 640, the German War Station. Today we will be covering the Battles of the Somme. Well today is July 1st and the British have started barrage. We have Olga live at the scene. Olga you there?
Tanya (Olga) � Holla I�m Olga. I�m here reporting in the trenches of the German soldiers. Dang it smells. Ok I�ll try to find someone to interview.
Paul (Gerard) � Wooohhooooo!!!! Ohh! Olga! A women!!! (Paul whistles) Hey guys check this out!!! I haven�t seen a girl for a year.
Tanya (Olga) � Shut up you pervert. Well by the looks of things these guys are living in pretty low standards. Here�s a decent looking soldier! Excuse me!
Paul (Joe) � What?
Tanya (Olga) � I just want to interview you for a radio station. Umm� What is life like in the trenches?
Paul (Joe) � I wouldn�t exactly call this life. We live in these blasted holes for years at a time. Without food or water for months. The conditions are poor and sleep is impossible because of these darn bombardments! (Explosions in background). Ahhhahhh. I cant take it anymore. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh�. My life is ruined.
Tanya (Olga) � I�ve heard you guys have a lot of trouble with rats.
Paul (Joe) � Every night they eat our bread! Rats, I hate rats, they drive me crazy. Crazy, I was crazy once they locked me up in a big white room with rats. Rats I hate rats they drive me crazy. Crazy I was crazy once they locked me up in a big white room with rats.
Tanya (Olga) � Any other details?
Paul (Joe) - Corpses, as well as the food scraps that litter the trenches, attract rats. One pair of rats can produce 880 offspring in a year and so the trenches are swarming with them. It�s disgusting! The rats are huge. They are so big they can even eat a wounded man if he can�t defend himself. These rats are very bold and attempt to take food from the pockets of sleeping men. Two or three rats are always found on a dead body. They usually go for the eyes first and then they burry their way right into the corpse. It�s like they are mutating.
Tanya (Olga) � Sick! Thanks for your time. Ummm� Ok I found someone else. Excuse me! Can I get an interview please?
Sam (Andy) � Fine. But hurry it up!
Tanya (Olga) � Ok thanks�Can you explain the quality of food around here?
Sam (Andy) � Why! Do you have any food!
Tanya (Olga) � No, but will you still answer me?
Sam (Andy) � Well, food here is worst than dog food. The army keeps cutting the rations. All we get if corned beef and bread if we are lucky. Us soldiers are used to staying hungry and going to sleep hungry. No one cares. Lately instead of bread with flour they have bread with grinded turnip! It tastes like rocks! The army is too large to be fed. Food is a huge problem.
Paul (Joe) � I want food!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh. AHhhhhhhhhhh�. Cover Cover! The British are starting their barrage!!!! (Explosion)
Tanya (Olga) � Ok well, that�s all I got for you. I gotta get outa here.