The Myth of the Disrespected Career Woman: A New York Perspective
Marian Shah
LAF sitesinden aktarýldý.
What are feminists talking about when they claim that our society wants women in the home and out of the corporate world? I honestly do not see it. Feminist activists often complain about our society’s supposed hostility toward career women. They aren’t paid enough. Employers do not respect their scheduling needs. Women’s freedom is supposedly in so much danger that our country will soon put women back in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant, with no other choice. One blogger even claimed that Laura Bush wearing a veil in the Middle East symbolized the direction in which American women's rights are moving.
I disagree. In our society, at least in the Northeast, career woman is the default thing to be, while homemakers are the marginalized group.
Last spring, I got my Master’s in Social Work. Graduate social work programs are not like college majors, in that you don’t just go to class. The program is work-based, with a 21-hour-per-week professional internship. You therefore have two years to sample the field firsthand, and many, like me, end up not liking it.
After realizing that I was not cut out for social work, I had to think of another “career.” Being newly married, I began to realize that “Mom” is the title I most look forward to having. My husband and parents support this. However, I cannot rid myself of the nagging, guilty feeling that I am somehow lazy and unfocused for not having specific career goals. I hear echoes of my feminist college literature telling me that it’s “dangerous” for a woman to center her identity around family. I recall the assigned readings about traditional wives whose husbands became bored and left them for more ambitious women. Now, if the career women were the oppressed ones and homemaking the default, why would I be facing the guilty feelings or lack of support?
Our economy is not friendly to one-income families. The feminists fear that President Bush’s policies will return women to the dark ages. However, our tax system, with its day care tax credits, favors the two-income family. So does the rising cost of living. None of this has changed during the Bush administration. Thus, this administration is not any more housewife-friendly than the one before.
The pro-career attitude even appears in conservative circles. Conservatives generally favor maintaining the traditional family. However, even their values and practices are heavily pro-career, with the titles of “Mom” and “wife” secondary among many of their heroines. Right-wing, successful women such as Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Ann Coulter, and Star Parker, despite their wonderful values and praise of full-time moms, are career women by choice. Although they are powerful role models to young conservatives, following their example often pressures young conservative women to pursue careers before becoming wives and mothers.
I recall sitting at the Women’s Luncheon at this year’s Conservative Political Action Conference, listening to the speakers’ advice. Bring your values into your professions, they told us. Be leaders. A strong marriage was mentioned as important, but the focus was definitely on witnessing one’s values first in the career, then in the family. Prior to the luncheon, I visited an exhibit booth that said, “Unlike liberals, we have real jobs. We don’t get paid for our activism.” Though I felt more supported as a young married woman than I had in social work school, I still wondered, “Do I still fit in if I don’t find a profession to identify by? What if I am just a writer/activist and a Mom? What if I don’t get a job that I’m ‘paid for?’ Am I okay even among the right wingers?”
New York is no friend to the homemaker either. Most women are “just Mom” only until a certain time limit: until the kids are two, in kindergarten, or whenever. Returning to work is a matter of when, not if. How many women are told, “Forget it. You’ll never become a doctor. Too competitive”? People wouldn’t dare. However, I have been told time and time again, “Bah humbug, you’ll never be able to afford a family. Is your husband really okay with this? What if he leaves?” I find the second just as unkind, but apparently, most people here don’t. Further, being a Northeastern wife basically means providing a second income. People will look at you as if you are crazy if you say, “I’m only working to save up for a family, then I just want to be a mom.” The next question is, “But what do you want to be?”
So once again, where is the anti-professional attitude the feminists complain about? Where is the disrespect? I don’t see college textbooks warning women that their husbands will become bored and unfaithful to a career-focused wife. I also don’t see college programs considering marriage and family as primary life goals. Bethany Patchin’s Christian college advisor expressed “concern” when she showed greater interest in motherhood than career [1]. In a society that is supposedly pushing women backwards, I see tremendous pressure on young women to “be” somebody.
Thankfully, the stay-at-home mom lifestyle is now more popular than it was in the 1980s and 1990s. More young women in my generation are opting out of day care. Half my kindergarten class was in day care, but now I see an abundance of moms, not just nannies, around town. Conservative commentators Suzanne Venker [2] and Brian Robertson [3] both cite increases in full-time motherhood since 1995. Even moderate feminists support motherhood more than they used to. Most importantly, it is not forced, either by the Bush administration or by society. It is freely chosen.
Personally, I love children, and I feel that the profession of raising tomorrow’s citizens is every bit as honorable, if not more than, becoming one of tomorrow’s leaders. So, why is shaping the next generation not considered an official career? I also want my children to grow up in a clean household with healthy, home-cooked food, and I cannot see myself juggling a 40-hour workweek while doing that. Further, I affirm the idea that children thrive best with consistent one-on-one parental bonding, and I am determined to provide that. Yet, I live in an environment where I am expected to stop that bonding at some point and return to work. And if I do return to work, most people will not bat an eye. So, who is facing disrespect?
As Carolyn Graglia [4] puts it, the homestead is fast vanishing, thanks in a large part to social movements encouraging men and women to focus on work first. We label ourselves by our careers. We practically live in our offices. So who is pushing women back into the home? I still feel pushed out!
I am certainly not advocating disrespect toward women who work. However, both working and at-home moms deserve equal respect. Until “mom” and “wife” are no longer inferior titles to “doctor” or “lawyer,” I will not believe the feminist claim that professional women get short shrift in the respect department.
Marian Shah lives in Northern New Jersey with her husband, just across the river from the Big Apple. She eagerly awaits being a stay-at-home mom despite the city culture's pressures otherwise.
References
[1] Patchin, B. (2000). "I want to be mom." http://www.boundless.org/2000/features/a0000205.html
[2] Venker, S. (2004). 7 myths of working mothers. Dallas: Spence Publishing.
[3] Robertson, B. (2002). Forced labor: What's wrong with balancing work and family. Dallas: Spence Publishing.
[4] Graglia, F. C. (1998). Domestic tranquility: A brief against feminism. Dallas: Spence Publishing.
© Copyright 2002-2005 by LAF/BeautifulWomanhood.org