FFVII Meets the Men in Black
By: Yuffie Kisaragi
Hey! This is a parody on the Men in Black and on FFVII. None of these events really occur in the movie, or in the game, but, I decided to make a parody on my favorite game, and one of my favorite movies. I hope you enjoy!
Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones park their car in an opening in the middle of a field, and step out of Tommy Lee's car.
Will Smith (cocks a big laser gun thingy): Let's go and kick some alien ass!
Tommy Lee (nods): Let's get to business...
Just then... the Highwind flies down from a giant portal, and lands on the ground.
Will: Damn, those aliens sure have taste! They painted a lady in a bikini on their ship!
Tommy Lee: Get ready to blow some alien shit!
Cid jumps out of the Highwind...
Cid: Goddamnit! Where the hell are we?
(Yuffie jumps out next)
Yuffie: What the hell? Where are we?
(Cloud jumps out next)
Cloud: Damn! It looks like these guys are armed with heavy guns!
(Barret and Tifa get out as well)
Barret: Shit! Why the hell you mother f^%$#@s are pointin' them damn mother f&^%$g big guns at us foo'!
Tifa: Damn it! What the...
Will: Shit! Who *ARE* you guys! I'm gonna shoot your ass away! Alien shitheads! Tryin' to disguise like humans!
Tommy Lee: This is gonna get ugly!
Vincent: I don't think my gun is as good as theirs.
Yuffie: Who you're calling an 'alien'? We're humans, excuse you!
Will: Yeah right! Welcome to planet Earth!
Cloud: What's Earth?
Tommy Lee: Stop faking. EVERYONE knows what's Earth.
Barret: We don't got no clue what is planet Earth! Got a problem wit' dat!
Tifa: Isn't the planet just called 'Planet'?
Will: Hell no! It's called Earth! Now, thanks for the introductions, but, I'm gonna blow you away!
Cid: Goddamnit! We're humans, for god's sake!
Will: Yeah, right, and I'm the king of England.
Yuffie: Where the hell is England?
Tommy Lee: Everyone knows where England is.
Cloud: Damn it! Just tell us where we are!
Will: You're at New York, in the United States of America, in North America, on the planet Earth!
Vincent: I have no idea what you're talking about, or what so ever.
Red XIII: It seems like we went to another world.
Cait Sith: Damn, and we were just gonna go to the Gold Saucer
Will: What the hell is the 'Gold Saucer'?
Tifa: You don't know? It's the world's biggest amusement park!
Will: The only big amusement park I know is Six Flags. Now, tell me your names, aliens!
Tommy Lee: He means to introduce yourself.
Cloud: I'm Cloud.
Cait Sith: I'm Cait Sith.
Vincent: I'm Vincent Valentine.
Cid: None of your goddamn business!
Tifa: I'm Tifa.
Barret: My name's Barret. And you'd better remember dat' too!
Yuffie: I'm Yuffie.
Red XIII: I'm Red XIII.
Will: I'm Will Smith.
Tommy Lee: I'm Tommy Lee Jones.
Cid: I see. Goddamn it! Who are you guys?
Will and Tommy Lee: We're the Men in Black.
Just then, four people fell out of the sky and landed on the ground.
Reno: Shit! Where the hell are we?
Rude: My head hurts.
Reno: It's gotta hurt you. You're freakin' bald!
Elena: Ouch.
Tseng: I wonder what happened?
Will: Welcome to planet Earth aliens!
Elena: What the hell you mean by 'aliens'?!
Cid: We're humans goddamn it!
Tseng (blinks): This happened to you guys too?
Barret: Got that damn right!
Yuffie: I saw the whole thing!
(everyone stares at Yuffie)
Yuffie: What!? Don't you want to know?
Cloud: Tell us!
Yuffie: Well, you see, I get airsick, right? So, I went to puke at the top of the Highwind, and I saw this *BIG ASS* portal! It was swirling and all sorts of crap! Then, I saw it, and I ran back down stairs, and we got here!
Barret: A *BIG ASS* portal sucked us in!? Damn it! Shit! No wonder we're at this f&^%$#g place!
Reno: Damn it... hey, do you guys know any good bars where Rude and I can hang out?
Will: Yeah, (points to a building far away) right there.
Reno: Thanks! I'm goin' there right now.
Tommy Lee: Hold it! You don't have proof you guys are humans!
Tseng: I do! (takes out palmtop) See! Look, here's everyone's files! It states that we are humans! So there!
Will: That ain't enough proof! You could've created that!
Yuffie: Damn it! I'm human!
Tommy Lee: Come with us... we're gonna run some tests on you.
Barret: We ain't no damn animals! I ain't doin' no test!
(at the lab...)
Tommy Lee: These tests proves that they are 100% pure humans.
Will: Damn. How the hell did they get here?
Tommy Lee: I don't know... but, we'll find out later.
(Will and Tommy Lee walk to Avalanche and the Turks)
Will: I guess you guys were right.
Cid: I told you! Goddamn it!
Yuffie: Wow! It's not polluted here!
Tommy Lee: You think *THIS* is not polluted?
Yuffie: Well, compared to Midgar, no.
Will: Where the hell is Midgar?
Tifa: It's a big city.
Will: Damn, it looks like we're from two totally different worlds.
Cid: You got that goddamn right!
(Later a the park...)
Sephiroth: Owwww. (rubbing side of head) I'm gonna get a head ache from that fall.
Yuffie: Oh, my gawd! It's Sephiroth!
Will: Oh, yeah Reno! You MIB wannabe! Wearing blue instead of black!
Reno: Shut up, Turk wannabe!
Will: OH, YEAH?!
Yuffie: Damn it! It's Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: Huh? Where am I?
Cid: Welcome to this goddamn Earth!
Tifa: Arrgggg! Why does Sephiroth have to be here?
Cloud (draws his big ass sword): Sephiroth, why you're here?
Sephiroth: How the hell I know? I didn't do it this time!
Barret (cocks gun arm): Foo' yeah right! You cause trouble EVERY f^&*%g time!
Sephiroth: Wow! This place is big! I'm going to take over!
Cloud: NO YOU'RE NOT!
Sephiroth: What's the name of this place?
Will (sunglasses droop): Damn... silver hair.
Tommy Lee: You're in the United States of America.
Sephiroth: I will take over this place called 'the United States of America'! I will rule the world! Ha, ha, ha! (flies off)
Will: Damn! He can fly?!
Cid: It comes to show you, we never can get rid of Sephiroth.
Yuffie: Damn! This is a big world! If he's gonna take over, it's gonna be *ALOT* of contries and people!
Tommy Lee: How about joining the MIB?
Yuffie: Yeah!
(Next day...)
(Here come the Men in Black...galaxy defenders...)
(Everyone is now dressed in the official Men in Black uniform)
Yuffie: Now, can we get those big ass guns?!
Will: D'oh!
(Everyone picks their weapon)
Tommy Lee: Pick any weapon you want. Just don't pick that one. (points to a giant gun that looks like a laser bazooka)
Barret: Why not?
Tommy Lee: Because it'll blow up anything within 5 miles.
Tifa: Look at the TV!
TV (Bill Clinton): Sonny, please don't do this. As the president of the United States of America, I can't let you do something to hurt the US.
TV (Sephiroth): I don't care! I'm taking over, no matter what!
TV (Bill Clinton): I'm sorry sonny, but, you're not even old enough to be the president of the United States.
TV (Sephiroth): WHAT! JUST BECAUSE I'M 30, YOU THINK THAT I'M NOT FIT TO RULE THIS WORLD! HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME! BECAUSE OF THAT, I'M GOING TO WIPE OUT THE RACE OF THE WHOLE PLANET!
TV (Bill Clinton): Now, now, son. You can't wipe out the race of the whole planet.
TV (Sephiroth): And why not?
TV (Bill Clinton): Because you'll go to jail for it.
TV (Sephiroth): I'll prove it to you! (grabs Bill Clinton and points his Masamune at the president.
TV (reporter): Sephiroth has now kept the president hostage, and will threaten to wipe out the whole entire planet, and/or kill the president if they don't give him presidency. The government is trying to keep Sephiroth at bay, and stop him from killing everyone. So, all of you citizens, lock all your doors and all of your windows, and stay home tonight. We will keep you informed of any updates.
Barret: Damn that mother f%$#@? Sephiroth!
Cid: He has to take over every goddamn world!
Tifa: I hate this!
Cloud: Well, this is just the beginning. We have more work to do.
Yuffie: D'oh! Man, why can't we just sneak in, and kick his ass! Geez. Who cares about the dumb president!
Will: Well, Yuffie, you have a big point! But, it's against the law to harm anyone.
Tommy Lee: Let's get to business.
Everyone: Yeah!
(At the White House...)
Bill Clinton: Now, son, you don't want to get killed in a gas chamber do you?
Sephiroth: Ha! If they do, I'm going to wipe out the race of this planet! If I don't live, NO ONE lives! Ha, ha, ha, ha, heh, he!
Bill Clinton: Sonny, I understand how much you want to rule the United States. But, it's just not possible.
Sephiroth: STOP YOUR REPUBLICAN CRAP!
Bill Clinton: (grumble, mumble)
Sephiroth: Ha, ha, ha, ha! I'll rule this world!
Newt Ginrich: Hey, Sephiroth! If you let me go, I'll give you 10,000 dollars! How about that?
Sephiroth: What's dollars? You mean gil, right?
Newt Ginrich: Ummm...er...heh, yeah, gil.
Sephiroth: Hmmm...pick 10,000 gil over ruling the world? Nah!
Just then, loud noise is heard outside. Then, in a sudden burst, Avalanche, and the Turks, who are now, the official, MIB, with the old MIB, burst through the door.
Cloud: Give it up Sephiroth! You'll never take over the world!
Will: Time to kick some silver haired ass!
Yuffie: Here come the Men in Black...Galaxy defenders...just bounce (begins to dance) with me, just bounce with me, c'mon.
(Everyone stares at Yuffie)
Barret: I'm takin' you down foo'!
Tifa (gets into fighitng position): You suck Sephiroth!
Cid: Let the goddamn president go, or else I'll stick this (raises spear) up your ass!
Bill Clinton: Thank you, you young heroes.
Sephiroth: NO WAY! IF YOU GET ONE STEP CLOSER...I'll kill mister president here.
Yuffie: Damn it Sephiroth! Argggg! I HATE YOU! (begins to shoot at Sephiroth)
Sephiroth (dodges the shots, and tries to slash at Will Smith): Ha! You'll never kill me! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!!!!!
Will: Up yours! (shoots the small mini gun he used in the movie... then, it blasts Sephiroth to the wall...)
Will: That ought to teach you a lesson!
Sephiroth: Uggg... Owww... I scraped my back.
Will (mouth drops open in awe): What the hell? No one could've lived that!
Tifa: Sephiroth can.
Cloud: Sephiroth! You're gonna die! (dashes over, and slashes him with his bastard sword)
Sephiroth: Ouch! (slashes back at Cloud)
Cloud: Damn it!
Tifa (kicks Sephiroth in his "special spot"): This is for you! A special present!
Will: Ouch.
Sephiroth: Damn it! Ouch! Argggg! (slashes Tifa)
Yuffie: Eat this, damn Jenova lover! (throws a laser bomb)
Tommy Lee: Do you know what that's gonna do?
Yuffie: What?
Tommy Lee: The whole White House is gonna explode!
Yuffie: Shit. Sorry everyone! Bye!
Red XIII: It's going to be hard for me to run in this non fitting suit.
Cloud: Damn it Yuffie! I'm coming too!
Barret: I'm outta this dump!
(Everyone escapes the White House, and watches it burst in flames)
Cid: Nice meeting you MIB, but, we gotta split!
Elena: It was really nice to meet you, ciao!
Reno: Hey, thanks for telling me the location of the bar.
Rude: Yeah, see you some time.
Yuffie: OK! Let's go!
Cloud: Yeah!
Tifa: Yeah, we really need to go, before we get caught!
(Everyone hops inside the Highwind)
Will: Come back anytime!
Tommy Lee: Wait! One more thing!
Turks and Avalanche: What?
Tommy Lee: Let me take a picture of you guys.
(A big red flash with a Ray Ban sign appears in their faces
Cid: What the...
Barret: Hell...
Yuffie: Is...
Tifa: Going...
Reno: On!
Will: Damn it! Cut that crap out! They're gonna get brain cancer or something like that!
Tommy Lee: Oh, well, I don't want anyone else knowing about it.
Yuffie: Where are we?
Tommy Lee: You guys...
Will: Let me make the story this time. You make the stupidest stories.
Cloud: Huh?
Will: Oh, you guys have to go back inside your airship, because ummm...er... you're at Midpar, or Midgar, or something like that, and you guys have to leave, because of security, and anyway, I saw Sephiroth fly into the sky.
Cid: Then why are we standing here? Let's go kick some ass!
Yuffie: Ummm...er...as-if. Bye!
Tseng: What happened again?
Reno: Tseng didn't you hear what he said?
Tseng: Ummm, no.
Rude: We'll tell you later. We have to kill Sephiroth!
(The Highwind leaves...and disappears into a portal)
The End...?
Will: Hey, Tommy.
Tommy Lee: Yeah.
Will: You see that person who is reading this right now?
Tommy Lee: Yeah.
Will: Don't use the flashy thingy, alright?
Tommy Lee: Oh, you just reminded me!
A big red flash comes to the screen at your face, and says "The End"
(Click "the end"!)