read on...
>
>SI LITTLE JOHNNY
>
>A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and Little
>Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a huge
>cigar.
>The salesman asks, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
>Little Johnny taps his ash on the salesmen's foot and
>says, "What the f__k do you think?"
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father
>he got an "F" in Arithmetic today.
>"Why?" asks his father.
>"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6".
>"But that's right," said his father.
>"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
>"What's the f_cking difference?" asks his father.
>"That's what I said!"
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,
>"Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
>"No," said his Mom, "of course not."
>Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard
>him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that
>game again!"
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day
>only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed
>sliding a condom on his penis in preparation of sex
>with his wife. Johnny's father in attempt to hide his
>full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to
>look under the bed.
>Little Johnny asked curiously, "What are you doing
>dad?"
>His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go
>underneath the bed."
>To which Little Johnny replied, "What are you going to
>do, f_ck it?"
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>One day Little Johnny and his mom take a taxicab to go
>to his uncle's house. On the way, Little Johnny gets
>in a curious mood and starts asking questions.
>He first says, "Mom, if dad was a dog and you were a
>cat, what would I turn out to be?"
>His mom says, "Oh dear, don't ask silly questions."
>About five minutes pass and Little Johnny says, " Mom,
>if dad was a bear and you were a horse, then what
>would I turn out to be?"
>The mom gets angry and yells, "Little Johnny, that's
>enough. Stop being silly!"
>His mom tells the taxi driver to stop by a bakery on
>the way and she gets out and tells Little Johnny
>she'll be right back.
>The taxi driver starts playing with Little Johnny's
>head and asks, "Hey Kid, if your dad was a street bum
>and your mom was a prostitute, what do you think you
>would turn out to be?"
>Little Johnny says, "A taxi driver!"
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Little Johnny and his dad went to the grocery store
>and were in line at the checkout counter when Johnny
>says to his dad, "Look at that lady in front of us,
>daddy, she's fat!"
>His dad notices the lady but politely tells Johnny,
>"That's not a nice thing to say."
>Little Johnny continued to stare and point and then
>said, "No daddy, she's REALLY fat!"
>His dad says, "Please son, we're almost done here,
>behave and stop saying those things."
>Just then the lady's pager went off ‘BEEP, BEEP,
>BEEP...Ebr> Little Johnny yells, "Watch out dad,
>she's backing up!"
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
>She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone
>knows what it is.
>No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's
>long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
>Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
>"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
>Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the
>students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on
>this animal? What animal has stripes?"
>Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.
>"Very good Billy," the teacher replies.
>Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the
>students holds up his/her hand. "See the big antlers
>on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
>Still no one guesses.
>"Let me give you another hint, it's something your
>mother calls your father."
>Little Johnny shouts out, "I know what it is, it's a
>Horny Son of a Bitch."
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>A college professor was doing a study testing the
>senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He
>gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver
>one at a time and asked them to identify them by color
>and flavor.
>The children began to say:
>"Red...................cherry",
>"Yellow...............lemon",
>"Green.................lime",
>"Orange...............orange".
>Finally, the professor gave them all honey flavored
>Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none
>of the children could identify the taste.
>"Well" he said, "I'll give you all a clue.  It's what
>your mother may sometimes call your father."
>Little Johnny looked up in horror, spit his out and
>yelled,
>"Everybody, Spit them Out - they're A$$HOLES!!!"
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were
>playing house.
>They both decided it was time to get married.
>So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her
>hand in marriage.
>"Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking
>this was cute.
>"Well," said Little Johnny, "I figured I could just
>move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of
>us."
>"And what will you live off?"
>"I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week
>allowance. That should be enough."
>Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know
>all the answers, Susiefs Dad asked, "And what if
>little ones come along?"
>"Well," said Little Johnny, "we've been lucky so far!"
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and
>noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had
>small ladders hung on the side of his little red
>wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was
>wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his
>dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman
>thought this was really cute, so he went out and told
>the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had.
>As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the
>wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Hey little
>guy! Whatfs your name?"
>The little boy replied, "My name is Johnny."
>"Little Johnny, I don't want to tell you how to run
>your fire company or anything, but I think if you
>would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go
>faster."
>"Maybe so," said little Johnny, "but I donft think
>each jerk of the rope will produce the same siren!"
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>It was vocabulary day in Johnny's third grade class,
>and the teacher had a difficult word for them to
>define. The word of the day was "contagious", and she
>asked for volunteers to use the word in a sentence.
>A few small hands went up rather reluctantly, but
>Johnny was out of his seat immediately, hands raised
>high and jumping up and down. Knowing Johnny's past
>performances, she called on little Caitlin who
>explained that her daddy had a cold, told her not to
>kiss him for a few days and further said that: "this
>cold is contagious and you might get sick too."
>The Teacher complimented Caitlin on a wonderful
>example, and next called on Bobby, although Johnny was
>going wild wanting to be the next to answer the
>question.
>Bobby said that he had heard his mommy say that
>"laughter is contagious," but really didn't know what
>that meant.
>The Teacher explained, complimented Bobby on his
>answer and had no choice but to call on Johnny who, by
>this time, was uncontrollable with enthusiasm.
>Johnny stated proudly, "My dad and I went to our cabin
>up by the lake last weekend, and we're going down
>these dirt lanes in the middle of the woods and......
>Teacher, "C'mon Johnny, let's hear the word of the day
>used in a sentence!"
>Johnny, "Relax, I'm getting there! So we pass this old
>wooden shack, and in the front of this shack is a big
>pile of logs and....."
>Teacher, "OK Johnny, time to use the word in a
>sentence now!"
>Johnny, "Please...I'm trying the best I can. So, in
>front of this big pile of logs is a little old lady
>with a small hand axe trying to chop and split this
>wood. And my dad says to me, eJohnny it's going to
>take that cont agious to chop all that wood.f"
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Little Johnny was sitting in the class waving his hand
>frantically. The teacher asks, eWhatfs wrong
>Johnny?"
>"I needed to go for a piss, says Little Johnny
>The teacher was a little taken aback and explained to
>Johnny, "That is not the proper word to use if you
>need to go to the bathroom, the proper word is
>eUrinate.f If you want to go to the toilet then you
>should ask if he can go urinate.
>To teach him a lesson she says, "Before you go to the
>bathroom, I would like you to use the word eUrinatef
>in a sentence."
>Little Johnny stands-up and replies, "Urinate, but if
>you had Bigger Tits you'd be a Ten."
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when
>his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what
>the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely
>asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?"
>"My goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without
>looking up, "and I have just buried him."
>The neighbor was concerned, "Oh Johnny, I am so sorry
>to hear that. But that's an awfully big hole for a
>little goldfish, isn't it?"
>Johnny stomped his foot on the fresh earth making the
>grave flat and replied, "That's because he's inside
>your f*cking cat!"
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Little Johnny was sitting in class as the teacher was
>going over math problems. She soon calls on Little
>Johnny to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were
>five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with
>your gun, how many would be left."
>"None," replied Johnny.
>"Well that's not correct Johnny, can you tell me why
>you choose None," said the teacher.
>"Because if you shot one, it will scare the birds and
>cause the rest to fly away!"
>"Well," said the teacher, "the answer I was looking
>for is Four, but I like the way you are thinking."
>Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If
>there were three women eating ice cream cones in a
>shop, one was licking her ice cream cone, the second
>was biting the ice cream cone and the third was
>sucking on the ice cream cone, which one is married?"
>"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one
>sucking the ice cream cone?"
>"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding
>ring on her finger, but I like the way you think."
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of
>her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your
>problem?"
>Johnny answered, "I'm to smart for the first grade. My
>sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she
>is!! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
>The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the
>principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer
>office, the teacher explained to the principal what
>the situation was... The principal told the teacher he
>would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer
>any of his questions he was to go back to the first
>grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was
>brought in and the conditions are explained to him and
>he agrees to take the test.
>
>Principal: " What is 3x3? "
>Johnny: "9"
>Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"
>Johnny: "36"
>And so it went with every question the principal
>thought a third grader should know. The principal
>looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny
>can go to the third grade."
>The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him
>some questions?"
>The principal and Johnny both agree.
>The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I
>have only two of?"
>Johnny, after a moment, "legs"
>Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do
>not have?"
>The principal' eyes open really wide and before he
>could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets".
>The principal with a sigh said, "Put Johnny in the
>fifth grade, I missed the last two questions".
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>The teacher asked the students if they could recite a
>sentence with the word eBeautifulf in it.
>Little Becky raised her hand and replied,"My mother
>made me a dress and it look beautiful on me."
>The teacher reply,"Very good Becky.
>Then Little Billy raised his hand and replied,"After
>the rainstorm yesterday I saw a rainbow and it was
>beautiful."
>The teacher reply,"Very good Billy."
>Little Johnny was sitting at his desk with his hand
>up. The teacher saw him and sighed, "Go ahead Johnny,
>what's your sentence."
>Little Johnny reply,"Last night at the dinner table my
>sister told my dad she was pregnant."
>"That was a nice sentence Johnny, but it did not have
>the word eBeautifulf in it."
>Little Johnny quickly adds, "And all my Dad would say
>is eBeautiful, just f_cking Beautiful!"
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on
>multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good
>idea to ask a few of the children for their examples
>of words with more than one syllable.
>Jane and Little Johnny were the first to raise their
>hands. Knowing that Little Johnny was a little more
>mature in the ways of life, she called on Jane. "Jane,
>what is your multi-syllable word?"
>After some further thought Jane proudly replied,
>"Monday."
>"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"
>"Does anyone else know any other multi-syllable
>words."
>"I do! I do!" replied Little Johnny.
>Knowing Johnny's mischievous ways the teacher picks
>Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word."
>"Saturday." says Mike.
>"Great, that has three syllables..."
>Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four
>syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"
>Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large
>the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is
>your four syllable word?"
>Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
>Shocked and trying to retain her composure the teacher
>says, "Wow Johnny, Four syllables! That's certainly is
>a mouthful."
>"No Ma'am, your thinking 'Blow-Job', and that's only
>two syllables."
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>One day a nursery school teacher says to the class,
>"Who can use the word DEFINITELY in a sentence?
>A little girl jumps up and says... "The sky is
>definitely blue!"
>     Teacher replies, "Oh Sorry Amy, but the sky can
>also be gray, or orange..."
>A little boy quickly says..."Trees are definitely
>green!"
>     Teacher replies, "Oh Sorry Michael, but in the
>autumn the trees change color..."
>Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and
>shouts..."Does a fart have lumps?"
>      The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny!
>Of course not!!!"
>"Then I have DEFINITELY shit my pants!"
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>A teacher asked her students to use the word
>"fascinate" in a sentence.
>Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo,
>and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
>The teacher said, "That was good Mary, but I wanted
>the word 'fascinate.'"
>Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to
>the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was
>fascinated."
>The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted the word
>'fascinate.'"
>Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated
>because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language.
>She finally decided there was no way he could damage
>the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
>Little Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater
>with 10 buttons."
>The teacher said, "That was good Little Johnny,
>however you did not use efascinatef in your
>sentence."
>Little Johnny continued, "but her Tits are So Big she
>can only fasten 8."
>