Politics is survivable, but just barely bearable.
First off, happy birthday to my dad!!! yay!!!
I'm battling away a cold, mostly successfully. I medicated myself heavily last night, thinking I could sleep it out. But then- excitement! The fire alarm sounded at about three in the morning, and in my stupor, I'm surprised I mananged to find shoes, pants, and a coat before stumbling outside into the cold, where I was instantly and immediately awake. Apparently it was set by people smoking inside (sighs) but luckily everyone was alright. A fun piece of advenutre to add into my memories yes?
I'm watching the hill outside my window change colors in the sun. Its setting now, and so the grasses are tinged with gold, the sky with pink and grey. The people, like so many ants, are standing in long lines, watching the setting sun, perched on the edges where nothing will obstruct their magnificent view of the city. It must be a holistic experience, I think, because the people who go, go religously. Or perhaps I'm trying too hard to find that in my own life. There's a catholic church across the way- funny how one reaches out to something familiar in times of hurt, when the rest of the time it is cast away- but the masses are in Latin and I don't quite feel the connection I'm seeking there. I always find solace, comfort, in my music, but music is very personal, and over here that means very lonely. So I turn to my writing- another lonely occupation, but at least here I can invent others to share in and ease the burden.
I have a dinner party tonight with my classmates, and our professors and their families. I was not looking forward to it prior to today, but now I think it will be nice to slip into a preprogrammed mode, where I operate and exist within the rules and bounds set forth by others, and where I don't have to worry about what I'm thinking or feeling. Putting on the fancy clothes and doing up my hair and makeup is like putting on a shell. When I'm in costume I can completely be someone else. I can smile and laugh, be charming and witty, well mannered and polite, even though I feel like my insides are in shreds, even though I feel completely crushed and exhausted, and all I really want to do is curl under my bed and sleep. Sleep is a powerful drug- it numbs, it dulls, and mercifully, it releases.
Forgive me melancholy ramblings today. What I did today was very personal, and not something I feel comfortable summarizing in my journal, but it has profound impact on my life, and as such I fear will color what I have to say for a while. Heartbreaks have a habit of doing that.
Ok well its a bit later now and I've returned from the dinner party, I had a lovely time. Doctor Collins kept us busy with mulled wine until everyone (the other professors) arrived, and we all had lovely conversations. I spoke extensively with my archaeology professor about a trip to the Orkney Islands that some friends of mine and I are taking in a few weekends. The food was amazing. There was a chile rice that I adored, and some egg rolls filled with spinach and cream cheese, a chicken in red sauce, fresh salad, bread, and a wonderful pasta and mushroom salad. The dessert was amazing too!! A molded raspberry preserve with cream, and a plum "pudding" (cake) with custard. Mmmmmmmmm heavenly. And both the wines were fantastic- red and white, I enjoyed it all immensly. I felt it important to hop right on here and say that, since I was so aprehensive...but really it was the nicest dinner party I've ever been to. The house was once an old abandonded (that looks wrong but I'm too tired to care) cottage that he rebuilt and did a marvelous job of. There was a transport waiting for us to drive us to his house which is about ten minutes out into the countryside of Edinburgh, and we really just had a spectacular time. So there. :) |
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