Stupid Stuff

Maybe this world is another planet's hell

When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly do they think they're going?

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities

I'm gonna live forever, or die trying

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

This morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

In any sufficiently large group of people, most are idiots.

Some people look at jerky and say, 'Why?' I look at jerky and say, 'Mmm! Jerky!

What if this weren't a hypothetical question?

"640 kb ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates in 1981

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

I gave up smoking, drinking, and sex...worst 15 minutes of my life.

It's not how you pick your nose, it's where you put that booger that counts

I am nobody... nobody is perfect... I must be perfect then

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. HOWEVER...the roses are dead, the violets are wilting, the sugar bowl is empty and so is your head.

WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU A LEMON, BUST OUT THE TEQUILLA AND SALT

I hear voices, and they don't like you

A good friend will bail you out of jail... a best friend will be sitting next to you saying "Damn we fucked up."

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay. You're not. He has a date coming over today. But you only have one ass. Feel better?

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