Jokes

An Canadian soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle age lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Canadians. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little dog FiFi is using that seat ?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there ? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snarled, "You Canadians ! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant !"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he simply leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and then demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Canadians do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

The Ministry of Transport Safety Board recently divulged that they had, for the last five years, covertly funded a project whereby Ford & Chrysler installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 9 of the 10 provinces that the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the province of Newfoundland was it different, where over 89.3% of the final words were: "Hold me beer and watch 'dis"....


Cowboy Bravado

Three cowboys - one from Ontario, one from Sask, and the other from Alberta are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The guy from Ontario, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."

The guy from Sask couldn't stand to be bested. "Why, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot long rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"

The Albertan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

THREE KNOTS (R) An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well, old Sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!

HAPPY MARRIAGE SECRET
Secrets to a Happy Marriage from a Male Point of View
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex
4. It is important that these three women never meet.

" HELP"
"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window." "This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department." "No, it's you I want," she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

A newfie calls his lawyer and asks...
"With all the lawsuits going on, I want to get in on some of that action. I hear people are suing cigarette companies because they got cancer and others are suing McDonalds because they got fat."
Lawyer: "And which one of those categories do you fit under?"
Newfie: "Neither. I just want to know if I can sue Labatt's for all the ugly women I've slept with?"

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