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Just Humor Me Archives: Tops Are From Jupiter, Bottoms Are From Uranus A Thousand Years From Now, We'll All Look Back At This And Laugh... Pity, Party Of One, Your Table Is Ready... The Bustin' Stereotypes Across America Tour The Jerry Falwell Free Gay Advertising Program It's Safer Sex Story Time, Boys & Girls! Heterosexuals Ate My Balls, But They Couldn't Swallow the Irony! Pontiff-ication We Weren't Recruited, We Enlisted!
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Just in case you didn’t know, Pope John Paul II is visiting St. Louis January 26 & 27, 1999, causing more trouble then Ellen DeGeneres at a Baptist convention. Traffic will be awful. Bridges will be closed. The weather could be bad. You know, hurricanes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor (just kidding, Pat Robertson!). For me and other atheists and non-Catholics, all this hoopla is about as exciting as a root canal. Sometimes I think that since I’m an atheist, what right do I have talking about religion? But then I think that the Pope isn’t gay, but he’s sure put his two holy cents in about his opinion on homosexuality. Maybe if religions didn’t flaunt their choice of lifestyle and try to recruit me, I’d hold my peace for awhile. But they do, so they give me lots of material to work with. Now, I think religion is fine for some people. Many people get fulfillment and solace from their faith. I get fulfillment and solace from the Ultimate Cheeseburger at Jack In The Box. But I don’t go around saying you’ll go to Hell if you eat a Whopper. "And on the sixth day the Lord created the Ultimate Cheeseburger… and it was good!" Actually, Adam and Steve were beguiled by the Taco Bell Chihuahua and were kicked out of the Garden of Eden for eating a Gordita. One of the things that bug me the most about religions is their arrogance. You know, that holier-than-thou attitude. "I’m going to Heaven and you’re going to Hell because you’re not a member of my: A. choice of religion, B. skin color, C. Saint Louis High School, or D. all of the above." Aren’t most wars caused by differences of religion? You think after nearly 2000 years after the first Coming, we’d have learned something by now. But nooooo. How many Spanish Inquisitions, Crusades, and Holocausts does is take for it to sink in? Maybe we should be focusing more on our own spirituality than someone else’s. Of course it’s much easier to look at the faults of others than your own. Especially in high school. I love it when people use random quotes from the Bible to make a point. In the past (and present), the Bible has been used to promote slavery, subjugate women, and condemn homosexuals. You can pretty much make the Bible say anything you want with a few choice quotations. Did you know the Bible endorses S&M? It’s true! Just read Proverbs 23:14, "Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from Hell." Well, maybe just the S part of S&M. My favorite quote from the Bible is Proverbs 26:11, "As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly." I always imagine when writing this section, a bunch of white guys were sitting around a big bong saying, "Wait! I’ve got one!" "Ooh, dog vomit. That’s a keeper!" There are a few Bible quotes that actually endorse homosexuality! The best is Ruth 1:16-17 where Ruth declares to Naomi, "Where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die, I will die – there will I be buried." It’s such a powerful statement of love and commitment it’s often read at heterosexual marriages. What irony. Next time a Bible thumper says to you that God condemns homosexual marriages, thump them right back. Hard. On the head. The pontiff has actually apologized for any part the church may have had in the Holocaust. And he’s apologized to women for any possible oppression they might have suffered in the past. And yet he still says that women can’t be priests. To me, that’s the biggest case of job discrimination since gays in the military. It’s like getting an apology and a slap in the face at the same time. Some don’t even bother apologizing. The Baptists at their latest convention said they should spend more time "converting the Jews." Creepy! Maybe if they spent less time worrying about Jewish people and more time getting their own people to boycott Disney, it wouldn’t have been such a flop. I haven’t seen a bigger flop since Waterworld. There’s a great book by Daniel A. Helminiak called "What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality." It’s an enlightening book, especially if you believe in God but have a hard time believing what some of his followers say about gays and lesbians. Or join one of the many gay, lesbian, and open churches like Dignity, the gay Catholic group, the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC), and others. You can have your religion and be gay too. Amen! So the Pope is coming to town. At Mass on Wednesday morning at the TWA dome, more people will be on their knees than at the Club on Tuesdays for Locker Room Special night. I won’t be one of them (at Mass, I mean). How many gays and lesbians have been harassed, beaten, and killed partly because of the church’s attitude towards homosexuality? What would the Pope say about Matthew Shepard’s murder? The Pope has apologized for past aggressions of the church. Keep apologizing, John. You’re not done yet.
Just Humor Me by e-mailing [email protected] or visit http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/2555/fqm0.html.
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