Rating: R

My life story seemed to run like some daytime drama program. My mother died when I was three years old, and I was abused most of my life by my drunken father. My older brother died at 17 years old from a drug overdose, and I never saw my younger sister, taken away by Social Services when my mother died in childbirth.

I was invisible in school and that was the way I liked it. Then came the day, everyone realized my secret and I became the number one most hated kid in school. I liked men, much older men. Like I said, I always knew I was different.

I finally got the courage to run away when I was sixteen. For almost a year I lived on the streets just trying to survive. Each day, worse than the next. No light in my life, no angel to rescue me.

I no longer believed in miracles and I longed for death. One day, in that darkness, death found me.

And his name was Sean Bean. He was handsome and sweet. When he picked me off the corner of the street, I thought I knew what to expect, but nothing turned out the way I thought it would.

He never even took me to his bed. He fed me, clothed me and gave me a safe place to sleep. Never once did he yell at me, strike at me or do anything to hurt me. He was, in a word, a knight in shining armor. My hero, and indeed I hero-worshipped him.

I waited night after night for him to come to my room. But he never came. It was only months later that I finally asked him why he took me off the streets. He said, "Because you don't deserve the life you have been dealt." He ended it there.

I never asked him many questions. I just accepted whatever he wanted of me. Mostly, I was there for companionship. He would take me to plays and movies, and he even took me to museums, broadening my mind in all forms of art. He also taught me to play the piano.

For my eighteenth birthday, he took me to England, his own home, where we lived for months seeing all the sights that Europe had to offer.

I had never been so happy. The years went by slowly and never once, not once, did I ever ask the most important question of all: why he came to me only at night and where he disappeared during the daylight hours.

At first I thought he worked a job somewhere, but I soon realized that he was very well off. I didn't know how wealthy he was, but he certainly had no money worries, as his love for expensive things was obvious. He liked the finer things in life, and he was always giving me gifts. As if I was the most valuable thing in the world. It made me feel special...and loved. For my nineteenth birthday he bought me my very own car. A Mustang.

It was that year that our relationship became more intimate. I had longed for it for so long that when he gave me my first kiss I thought for sure I would die from happiness.

I hadn't fallen in love with Sean at first sight, but through the years the hero worship faded and a love did grow between us. Respect, dignity and security. I never felt so safe and so loved before.

It was the night of my twentieth birthday that all my questions were answered. Who Sean really was. Something out of a horror flick I suppose, and yet, I wasn't all that surprised, nor was I afraid.

He told me much about the reality of a true vampire's life. A life Sean had lived for nearly 400 years. That night, he told me he wanted to bring me across, but not yet. Not until I was ready. I told him I was, but he didn't and wouldn't rush me. He had much still to teach me and to show me.

And you would be surprised the information I learned. Like, vampires have rules. Rules that they lived by for nearly a thousand years.

Rule number one: no killing babies or children. Remember the section in the novel when Dracula steals a baby and gives it to his wives to feast upon? Well, that is fantasy. Sean just gets disgusted with the interpretation of vampires. They are not cold hearted killers. They have of course killed, but they don't go attacking helpless virgin women and steal away babies for food.

In fact, most vampires, and there are many out there, have never taken a life. Especially in modern times they have different systems set up to protect their existence. The rules were put into place so that no one would eve know that myth and fantasy was real."

Killing humans especially children, would spark such a flame that no vampire that existed would want to be involved. Besides, why kill the younglings anyway, when you can just wait for that day they grow up and make their first blood transfusion in the hospital or nearby clinic.

Vampires have other ways of getting blood, none of which involve killing. Understanding this made me worship Sean even more. They were not monsters or sick bastards out to destroy, but in reality they just wanted to survive. To live their lives just like everyone else.

Rule number two: keep their existence secret from everyone that was not a candidate to become a vampire. This made me realize why Sean had kept me at his side for so many years and why he was telling me all this information only now. He wanted to make me into a vampire. Not just any vampire, but his companion.

I was shocked, but delighted that even when I was so young and naive he had desired me. He had laughed and said, what was not to desire; I must say I blushed over the compliment.

The third and last rule: simply never to kill one of our own kind. We didn't necessarily have to like every vampire but to kill one of our own was forbidden.

In the months that followed, I learned also that vampires could tolerate some sunlight. In the late 19th century a doctor who was one among them had created a special lotion that allowed his fellow vampires to walk outside during the daylight hours for a brief period.

Vampires eat some types of food (like cheese and breads). They can and do like drinking other forms of liquids, like alcohol, water and even soda. It helps to keep their identities secret and enables them to go out at night at restaurants and still interact with the real world while still keeping their true selves hidden.

Oh, and the mirror thing, total fabrication. And turning into bats or wolves? Total shit.

They also are not afraid of crosses, and as a matter of fact, Sean loved to go to church and actually did believe in a God. He had great respect for all religions. If only, sometimes I felt, other people were more like Sean we would have a more wonderful world.

Last and most importantly, Sean told me that vampires do not in fact sleep in coffins. Just a little information, just between me and you, Sean loves a king sized bed with lots of pillows and satin sheets.

That night I pleaded with him again to make me a vampire, but Sean still would not bring me across.

A few weeks later we attended a special party. A big party in a real castle, where I was introduced to others of Sean's kind. There I met Sir Ian McKellen, who was one of the sweetest men I ever encountered. He plays a mean game of chess.

There was Viggo Mortensen, an artist from the 14th century. He had just brought across his own companion, a very young British man named Orlando who I instantly took a liking to. I also met Billy Boyd and his companion of 200 years, Dominic Monaghan.

It was amazing how they all took to me. I thought when I met them I would feel small and insignificant; after all, most of them were hundreds of years old.

Sir Ian was the oldest, as he was born again (into a vampire) in the third century AD. They were all kind to me and were even respectful of my opinions, often listening to what I had to say.

I liked them. I liked them all a great deal. That was the terrific thing about vampires, they had no prejudices like humans do. They don't sit worrying about gender or race. To them everyone was an equal. When you became a vampire the sexual need was enhanced but no longer contained in a set standard. As long as the companionship was of equal footing and consensual their motto was to live and let live.

It was a year later on my twenty-first birthday that my wish was finally granted. Sean was still hesitant but caved in to his own desires. And I must say that night was a night I would remember the rest of forever.

His body against mine, the strength of his weight-- those lips pressed against mine, his cock shoved repeatedly inside me as he tried to possess every inch of me. And when he struck deep into my throat, and drank my blood, my life essence away I felt lifted into new horizons that I never believed possible.

Oh, and yes....vampires are immortal. That part is true. And, yes, the only way we can die is by direct sunlight. Or, well, if our heads get severed...yeah we are pretty much finished off. And yes, the wooden stake through the heart thing, totally true-- unfortunately.

That was one of the reasons why Sean didn't want to bring me across, you know. He was afraid for me. Because you see, although no vampire had killed in many centuries there were those out there that were out to kill us. The vampire hunters. Those who knew that we existed and felt we needed to be eradicated from the face of the earth.

Sad, don't you think. But, that is the truth of it. There is a war raging. And for us the purpose of that war, the reason for the rules and the secrecy, is to keep away from the hunters, a matter of survival.

The hunters are the only ones - and I do mean the only ones - that we vampires not only fear but try to kill. It is only in self-defense. And we do try to keep the killing to a minimum, but alas it is a dog-eat-dog world.

I heard a month ago that one of the hunters tried to kill Orlando . Orli had left himself open, trying to take up acting in a theatre and had been discovered. It was only by chance Viggo had been nearby that night and had been able to rescue Orli. Viggo had attempted to kill the hunter to save Orlando, but the hunter too had escaped that night.

The whole community went into an uproar over this for weeks. Some vampires, the political ones that are highly-placed, blamed it all on Orli for their discovery. Two mortals had witnessed the event and therefore endangered the entire community. They called for his termination. But, Sir Ian and Sean both took a stand, and most of the instigators backed down.

In the end, Viggo took Orlando away, disappearing and going into hiding. It made me quite sad. I missed our daily connection, for Orli was great at chess and was like a brother to me. Sean reassures me we will see him and Viggo again, when things settle down. But, until that day comes, which could be a decade or two, I shall miss them.

Since the night of my transformation my whole world seemed to have changed. My perspective and my senses. I felt stronger and more alive than I ever was. I found that vampires are not corpses and are not cold to the touch. We are actually quite warm blooded.

My first taste of blood was truly a wondrous and frightening experience. I mean, it was my first time actually drinking blood. I had feared that I would hurl at the first taste. Instead, I felt warmth spread throughout my body and I felt...I felt as if I had just taken a strong drug, because I felt, well...in a word...high.

Giddy, actually is more the word. Sean was most amused and said later that it was normal for me to act this way. It would take a few months, possibly a year, before I would be able to control the effects of the blood. That was the other thing...the memories and sensations. You know the line, Life blood. Well, it is true. In everyone's blood there is life and with the drinking of it so comes with it the memories and the feelings of the donor.

Just a taste, and I would know the donor at once. A young mother of two, a business man who couldn't wait to get home and be with his wife...or even a madman locked in an asylum.

The emotions and memories confused me, but Sean told me in time I would master it.

Oh, how this has become a novel. I had hoped to write this out simply, Sean said it would be good for me to have a journal and write my thoughts down. It would make the journey into the life of a vampire easier for me.

But, it hasn't. I still have nightmares. It has only been two weeks, since...since the killing. I shake and feel quite sick when I think about it. I keep thinking, if only there had been another way. I want to believe what I did was right, but how can killing ever be right?

Sean tries his best to comfort me, and even Sir Ian has come to stay at the house to keep tabs on me.

I just can't stop crying and waking up terrified. I can still feel his pain, the memories and the hatred for us vampires in his blood.

I feel like a monster and I realize now why Sean took so long to bring me across. Why he had waited. And now, I am sure he must regret what he did. I am such a loser.

***

"Elijah." He calls my name, and I rise from our bed anxious and fear still in my eyes. I wonder if the Council will now call for my death.

I want to go home. But, I have no where to run and no home to run to. This is my home. Sean is my home.

Sean stands in the doorway and holds out his hand. I take it and walk with him. He takes me to the car outside and we get inside. I wonder where we are going.

Perhaps he intends to send me back to America? Perhaps he has tired of me and wishes to get rid of me. Does he intend to kill me?

We arrive an hour later at a cemetery and we walk quietly though the rows of the deceased. I feel as if my skin is crawling and hold myself as I shake from the cold. Oh yes, we vampires feel the cold.

He stops finally in front of me and points at a stone. I look down and feel tears stinging my eyes. It is the hunter's grave. Why did Sean bring me here?

"It is time to let go, Elijah. You must let go of your guilt."

I stare into Sean's eyes and feel myself pulled in. I can see the love still there within those depths. He still cares for me. I haven't lost him, and he has not come to send me away or kill me.

“I can’t,” I replied. "I broke the rules. I killed, Sean."

Sean shakes his head. "He was a hunter, and you had no choice; he would have killed Liv and Hugo. They are very dear to me. Hugo is the one that brought me across and Liv is a sister to me. You did nothing wrong."

“WE aren’t supposed to kill,” I wailed.

I had seen the wooden stake aimed at Hugo's heart....I had seen Liv cowering on the ground, screaming for pity. But, the hunter would show them none.

Liv had always been so nice to me. She had taught me how to dance. She would never hurt a soul; she didn't even drink human blood (only bovine) because she was so repulsed by the whole thing. Hugo, he had reminded me of Viggo. He had shown me the beauty in books and the love to be found in poetry. Both of them were scholars, not killers. Seeing them, helpless and at that hunter's mercy, had brought out a blood lust I didn't know existed inside of me.

I had reacted with instinct. I hadn't even realized what I was doing until I had sunk my teeth into the hunter's neck.

What I really wanted to shout at Bean was, I didn't want to kill. I just wanted to be with you. Live forever with you. But, I stop and look at the ground.

I feel so alone, and so lost and so...guilty.

"Elijah..." Sean's voice is soft and caring. He reaches out to me and holds me in his arms. He kisses my forehead and then bows lower and take his lips onto my own. We stay that way for a long time. Then he breaks away and smiles. "Elijah, you must know the truth. He was not a kind man. He not only killed our kind for many decades but...he also hurt children."

I stare into Sean's eyes, mystified. I shake my head. "What?"

"You have held back long enough. I have told you, blood is more than just sustenance. It is also the seduction of memories of others that gives us so much inspiration and the feeling of life. I want you to think, close your eyes and focus. And you will see the truth. Let go of your guilt and see the truth."

I pause and shake my head again. I didn't want to see and had not read the blood of my victim. It was too shameful. I try to run, but Sean doesn't let me. He catches me and finally pulls me to the ground. He holds me there in his embrace, and then I close my eyes.

I surrender and allow myself to feel my victim. All the pain I caused. Vowing and knowing I had killed a good man who was only killing vampires because he thought we were monsters and--

I swallow and suddenly feel sick. Yes, vampires can get sick. I pull away from Sean's arms and not even seconds later I am throwing up my last meal.

He, the hunter, the man I killed was a sick son of a bitch. When he was not on the hunt, he took---he took children and---. My stomach rolls and I throw up again. Afterwards, when Sean pulls me to my feet and carries me back to the car, I weep in his arms. He holds me tight and kisses me over and over again. Gently, lovingly, sweetly.

I am suddenly glad I had stopped running and faced the truth. Blood tells no lies. I am glad I killed that vampire hunter now. I am very glad indeed.

But I won't kill again. No, I won't.

***

(Three years later)

I see the man hiding in the bushes. He has a knife in his hand. There is a woman coming out of the medical building. In her arms she is carrying a small bundle. It is a baby.

She is reaching for her keys, and the man is readying to kill.

But I strike and kill first. As I drain the rapist of every ounce of his blood I smile. No, I do not kill babies or innocent women or handsome young lads. No. But I don't mind killing vermin, those that deserve death.

When I am done, I straighten my tie and head to the car. I don't want to be late for the party. Sean is waiting for me, drinking some champagne from a tall crystal glass. He offers me a glass and I take it. We click the glasses and slowly draw in for a sweet kiss.

"I love you, Sean."

“I love you more,” he replies and kisses me again.

I have no regrets now. I live my life to the fullest and most of all, I am happy. So very happy. Vampires can be what you want us to be. Monsters, sexual predators or perhaps people just like...you.

Yes, I remember my first kill and know it will not be my last.

The End.