Phoebe: (ENTERING) Hi guys!
All: Hey Pheebs! Hi!
Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?
Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again.'
All: Ohh. Ouch.
Rachel: What? He said 'we should do this again,' that's good, right?
Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked.'
Rachel: Since when?
Joey: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you.'
Chandler: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you.'
Phoebe: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha! I already am.'
Rachel: And evrybody knows this?
Joey: Yeah. Cushions the blow.
Chandler: Yeah. It's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.
Ross: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.
Monica: Uh, Ross?
Ross: What? Wh, hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase, and it was, it w... Oh my God, Chi Chi!
SCENE 1: CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT. JOEY IS REHEARSING A PART. CHANDLER READS THE OTHER PART FROM A SCRIPT.
Chandler: 'So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?'
Joey: 'Warden, in five minutes, my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die.'
Chandler: Hey, that was really good!
Joey: Thanks! Let's keep going.
Chandler: Okay. 'So. Whaddya want from me Damone? Huh?'
Joey: 'I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell I can smoke.'
Chandler: 'Smoke away.'
(JOEY TAKES OUT A PACKET OF CIGARETTES AND A LIGHTER. HE FUMBLES AND DROPS THE LIGHTER. THEN HE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE, TAKES A SMOKE, AND COUGHS.)
Chandler: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.
Joey: What?
Chandler: Relax your hand!
(JOEY LETS HIS WRIST GO LIMP.)
Chandler: Not so much!
Joey: Whoa!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Alright, now try taking a puff.
(JOEY TRIES AND VISIBLY WINCES.)
Chandler: Alright, okay. No. Give it to me.
Joey: No, no, no. I am not giving you a cigarette.
Chandler: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part or not? Here.
(JOEY RELUCTANTLY GIVES HIM THE CIGARETTE.)
Chandler: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.
Joey: Y'miss it?
Chandler: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (TAKES A PUFF) Oh... my... God. (CONTINUES TO SMOKE)
SCENE 2: CENTRAL PERK. ALL PRESENT EXCEPT RACHEL AND PHOEBE.
Monica: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.
(THE GUYS STRETCH OUT THEIR FINGERS.)
Joey: That's ridiculous!
Ross: Can I use either thumb?
Rachel: (BRINGING DRINKS) Alright, don't tell me! Don't tell me! (HANDING THEM OUT) Decaff cappucino for Joey. Coffee black. Latte. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this!
All: Yeah. Yeah. Excellent.
Rachel: (LEAVING TO SERVE OTHERS) Good for me!
(EVERYONE TRADES THEIR DRINKS FOR WHAT THEY ORDERED. ENTER PHOEBE, MUTTERING. SHE SITS DOWN.)
Joey: Y'okay, Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah, no, I'm just, it's, I haven't worked, it's my bank.
Monica: What did they do to you?
Phoebe: It's nothing, it's just, okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT--
Ross: Easy.
Phoebe: --and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account.
Chandler: Oh, Satan's minions at work again.
Phoebe: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them.
Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it!
Phoebe: It's not mine! I didn't earn it! If I kept it, it would be like stealing.
Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!
Phoebe: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping-- 'Not-not-mine. Not-not-mine. Not-not-mine. Not-not-mine...'
Monica: We're with you. We got it.
(CHANDLER LEANS OVER THE BACK OF THE COUCH.)
Phoebe: Okay. I'd, just, I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt.
Rachel: Chandler, what are you doing?
Monica: (PULLING HIM UP) Hey. Whaddya doing?
(CHANDLER TRIES TO SHRUG NONCHALANTLY BUT EVENTUALLY HE HAS TO EXHALE A MOUTHFUL OF SMOKE.)
All: Oh! Oh God!
Ross: What is this?
Chandler: I'm smoking. I'm smoking. I'm smoking.
Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good for three years!
Chandler: And this is my reward!
Ross: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.
Chandler: Okay! So this time I won't quit!
All: Ohhh! Put it out!
Chandler: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (HE DROPS IT IN PHOEBE'S COFFEE)
Phoebe: Oh no! I, I can't drink this now!
Monica: Alright. I'm gonna go change. I've got a date.
Rachel: This Alan again? How's it goin'?
Monica: 'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and we're having fun.
Joey: So when do we get to meet the guy?
Monica: Let's see. Today's Monday. Never.
All: Oh, come on! Come on!
Monica: No. Not after what happened with Steve.
Chandler: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy! Sorry.
Monica: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out.
Rachel: Well, then can we meet him?
Monica: Nope. Schhorry.
SCENE 3: IRIDIUM. MONICA AND PAULA ARE AT WORK.
Monica: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes, they're all over him. I mean, they're like coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd.
Paula: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you. That is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends. They're just looking out for you.
Monica: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked.
Paula: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy.
SCENE 4: MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT. CHANDLER IS SMOKING ON THE BALCONY. EVERYONE IS PRESENT EXCEPT PHOEBE.
Joey: Let it go, Ross.
Ross: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi.
Monica: Do you all promise?
All: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!
(CHANDLER MAKES A 'CROSS MY HEART' SIGN. IT STARTS TO RAIN AND CHANDLER TAPS ON THE WINDOW.)
Joey: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!
(CHANDLER SULKILY PICKS UP A GARBAGE CAN LID AND SHELTERS HIMSELF UNDER IT. ENTER PHOEBE. SHE STRIDES TO THE COUCH, SITS DOWN AND BEGINS TO READ WITHOUT SAYING HI.)
Ross: Hey, Pheebs.
Phoebe: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this-- (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE) --football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!
Rachel: What bank is this?
(DOOR BUZZER)
Monica: Hey. It's him. (TO INTERCOM) Who is it?
Alan: (INTERCOM) It's Alan.
Joey: (SHOUTS TO CHANDLER) Chandler! He's here!
(CHANDLER COMES IN, DRIPPING WET.)
Monica: (TO ALL) Okay, please be good. Please. Just remember how much you all like me.
(OPENS THE DOOR. ENTER ALAN.)
Monica: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.
Alan: Hi.
All: Hi Alan.
Alan: I heard schho much about all you guyschh!
(GENERAL LAUGHTER)
SCENE 5: MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT. LATER IN THE EVENING.
Monica: (AT THE DOOR, TO ALAN, WHO IS LEAVING) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (TO ALL) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?
(SILENCE)
Monica: C'mon!
Ross: I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at, no, I'm sorry. I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him!
All: Loved him! Yeah! He's great!
Monica: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with?
All: Yeah!
Rachel: And did you notice? (SPREADS HER THUMB AND INDEX FINGER)
Chandler, Joey, and Ross: (RELUCTANTLY) Yeah.
Joey: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.
Phoebe: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!
Ross: What shoe?
Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a..while..'
(DUBIOUS PAUSE)
Ross: So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured.
Rachel: What future boyfriends? No, no. I th-I think this could be, y'know, it.
Monica: Really!
Chandler: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (DOES IT)
Ross: You know what I like most about him, though?
All: What?
Ross: The way he makes me feel about myself.
All: Yeah.
SCENE 6: CENTRAL PERK. MONICA ALONE. ENTER CHANDLER, JOEY, RACHEL, AND ROSS, DEJECTEDLY, IN SOFTBALL GEAR.
Monica: Hi. How was the game?
Ross: Well.
All: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!
Monica: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?
Joey: Alan.
Ross: He was unbelievable. He was like that, that, that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base Alan, second base Alan, third base...
Rachel: I mean, it, it was like, it was like he made us into a team.
Monica: Can I ask you guys a question? Do you ever think that Alan is maybe sometimes...?
Ross: What?
Monica: I dunno, a little too Alan?
Rachel: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan.
Ross: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that, that, that we adore.
Chandler: I personally could have a gallon of Alan.
SCENE 7: A STREET WHERE LIZZIE IS RESTING. PHOEBE WALKS UP TO HER.
Phoebe: Hey, Lizzie.
Lizzie: Hey, Weird Girl.
Phoebe: I brought you alphabet soup.
Lizzie: Did you pick out the vowels?
Phoebe: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, "sometimes y." Uh, I also have something else for you. (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE)
Lizzie: Saltines?
Phoebe: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?
Lizzie: What? (OPENS THE ENVELOPE PHOEBE HAS GIVEN HER) Oh my God, there's really money in here.
Phoebe: I know.
Lizzie: Weird Girl, what are you doing?
Phoebe: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it.
Lizzie: No, no. I ha-I have to give you something.
Phoebe: Oh, that's fine. No.
Lizzie: Would you like my tin-foil hat?
Phoebe: No. 'Cause you need that. No. It's okay, thanks.
Lizzie: Please, let me do something.
Phoebe: Okay. Alright. You buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay
