BAMMIES Review
Posted by Blue Darlin'
Hello, kiddies! Welcome to an account of the wacky world of the BAMMIES. Let's see, BAMMIES....that would stand for badly organized bull$#@! It's lucky I can string a sentence together this morning, as we were dishing after the show 'til 3am. And the Minx woke me up less than six hours later, JUST as I was dreaming about a guy (whom I know in real life) who was about to tell me how he felt about me. She shakes my shoulder, right when he was about to spill! Arrggghh! What a soap-opera-ish frustration! Oh, well.
When I say "we", referring to last night's girls' gabfest, that would be me, the Minx, Nobody Special, and two other mystery BH'ers! I don't know what name they would like me to list them under, so I won't specify who here.
Minx, N.S., and I were at my house getting ready before the awards. I only live in a studio (right across from BAMMIES auditorium!), so it was rather hilarious watching us try on 8 million outfits for advice and hog up two mirrors between 3 gals, while shoveling home-delivered mooshu pork (sp.?) in our mouths, AND trying to accessorize at the same time! We had started our preparations late, as the Minx got caught in traffic in Marin, and barely made it over the GG Bridge on time.
As usual, I left the hair-styling 'til the last minute, and then had to ask for help 'cause I'm a spaz. I had spent most of the day de-cluttering (ha!) and cleaning my bachelorette pad, in readiness for any guests. I was trying to do a 60's bouffant hairdo, to go with my formal wear. Uh, a bouffant is supposed to be a mass above your head......however, mine ended up kind of a Star Trek look instead: more like back of the head -- oooops. No time to fix it. We anchored the ratt (bun filler foam form thingie) with a couple of black feathered clips and rushed out the door.
Ok, so WHY did we not take pictures BEFORE the show, when we looked perfect? I hate it when I do that. But Nobody was freakin' 'cause we were running late, so we didn't stop to do pix. We waited in the will call line, fidgeting 'cause the show had already started and we didn't know if CI was on yet. We had been jumping up and down and high-fiving each other earlier when we saw a TV Guide ad with CI's picture (!!) and an ad in the current issue of BAM magazine saying that CI was host and scheduled to appear/perform. I had heard the band was going to do three songs (however, that proved to be untrue :-(.
So I said goodbye, reluctantly, and went up to my Yankee-priced (affordable) $30.00 seat in the balcony. Minx and N.S. went to their $100.00 table seats on the floor. I couldn't even find my seat at first -- as I said, this was badly organized and the signage sucked. The ushers weren't real helpful -- unless you were trying to head to a seat that wasn't yours, of course!
I was all alone in my (wrong) row for a while. Then I tried wandering. I went back downstairs, 'cause CI wasn't on yet. When we came in, there was stuff happening onstage, but then there was a "break". Uh, it ended up being like a 1/2 hour "break" until the live show started on The WB.
I managed to sneak past the first phalanx of security and breach the main floor, but then got bagged by Mr. "I See Everything", the second phalanx of security. With my bogus "I have her keys and money!" story, I was allowed to speak with Minx and N.S. for like 2 mins. before being "Come on, ma'am"-ed into leaving the floor area. At least Mr. Security Man threw me a bone and gave me a tip that security would get more lax as the night wore on, and to try again around 10:00 or 10:30pm (it was now like 8:15pm?).
I went back upstairs, and looked at some exhibits. There was one vendor there selling nice photos from former BAMMIES awards years. There was one of CI&S, and I was standing there goofin' on it. It was from probably 1987-89, during what was still CI's tie clips phase. And Kenney had a hilarious fetlock-thing goin' on -- he looked very debonair, and dare I say, slightly dangerous, with that hank o'hair hanging down in front of his eye. New Waver? And Jimmy Wilsey was in the picture, grinning away like a little imp. And Roly was sportin' what I fondly call "The Q-Tip Head" -- a very puffy hairdo -- very 80's. It was a neat snapshot of an earlier incarnation of the band.
They were auctioning off swag, too (merchandise donated by various artists and organizations) for the BASS Tickets Foundation. But there was no CI swag at all, so I moved on. We coulda had our pix taken for $10 by a professional photog in front of a BAMMIES backdrop, but I couldn't get to the girls, so I gave up on that idea. Again, shoulda done this before the hairpins started ejecting themselves from my ratt/bouffant, and my hair started falling down! "Glamorous on the inside" -- oh, well.
Things started to get MUCH better when the live feed of the awards actually started. At 9pm, we went live on the air. They gave us a little pep talk to stay in the auditorium and cheer loudly and look excited when the lights would flash, blah, blah. And then CI&S went on and played SPOTD!! It was all surreal, and went so fast. I think I was only looking at him, and watching the huge screens they were beaming it on in the auditorium (you watch along with the people at home! -- so why pay?). I don't even remember seeing Brett.
The song was over so fast, and then CI came back onstage in the mirror-suit to emcee the festivities. And Kelly Rutherford ("Caitlin", the blonde ex-hooker from Melrose Place) came out with him. Boy, she's tall and pretty in person! She was wearing a black dress with lace cutout inset running diagonally around and across her body. A very tight dress. She was very Hollywood.
She was also enjoying our CI a bit TOO much! He had his hand tightly around her waist sometimes. Like all men, he seems to enjoy cupping a tiny waist (grrrr). And within the first 5 mins., she had gone on tiptoe to sneak a cheek peck on him, mugging and grinning and rolling her eyes, like "Isn't he cute, girls? Aren't I lucky?" They seemed to do a lot of chatting throughout the night when the camera was on someone else. (But they didn't leave the venue together, so calm down, okay?)
We couldn't hear 1/2 the things the people were saying on the mike. So people at home heard a more coherent show than we did. We could hear the bands, though. I must be getting old, 'cause I didn't like most of the live music. And I do like ALL kinds of music. Okay, except rap and stupid DJ/mix crapola, but that's just me. I could have done without the interminable performance by mixmasters/Invisible Skratch Piklez (or however they/he spell it!).
As mentioned by the others, there were a lot of boneheads who thought it would be fun to swear on TV. Yeah, brilliant, people. Hope TV-20 and the WB get sued by the FCC. CI was shaking his head and you could tell that he was telling Kelly that it was a real no-no, as he's watching Third Eye Blind guy swearing for like the 100th time that night.
We started getting a little punchy. By now, I was sitting and palling around with a guy who had sat in my row. And we were just goofing on everything. I was finally getting a voice back, so what better time to heckle? I started yelling, "Stop touching him!!" to Kelly Rutherford. And the two rows around us were cracking up whenever I did that. I actually yelled "Kelly, get your hands off him! He's mine!!" just to be a goof. I saw her look up toward where the voice was coming from (waaay up in the balcony :-)), and determinedly (with a wicked smile) rub her hands up and down his stomach and chest. I was just trying to stir things up a little. But she was a wee bit too familiar with him, if you ask me. I don't really care if someone's touching him -- I just wanted to heckle!
Then he puts his mirrored jacket on her when the camera wasn't on him, and I'm like "He never lets ANY chick wear his jacket!", so I yell "Take that off!!" or something. And she's wilting from the weight (and inherited heat) of the jacket. Yeah, we got a little ridiculous. But the show was draaagging on. There were some really young kids there (early teens) and they were really into all of it -- esp. anything Third Eye Blind. Last year, Tracy Chapman cleaned up the BAMMIES, this year it was Third Eye Blind's year to clean up the awards.
And of course, our hero won "Best Male Vocalist of the Year" (official title?). Yay!
At this point, Libra had found me and so our row was me, her friend, Libra, and my new pal, Jim. Libra and I leapt out of our seats yaying when CI won. He looked soooo yummy, 40 ft. high and in crisp (Chris-p?) resolution on the TV screens. It was like he was looking right at you, although he was really reading off a huge teleprompter 1/2 way back in the room. You could read what they were going to say before it came out of their lips. More surrealness.....
Let's take a pause for the cause (of fashion) here and touch on what we were wearing: Minx was arrayed in a celadon green satin long gown. So nice a gown that literally 8 women she didn't even know stopped her throughout the night to complement her on it. And she had a wrap with it and a new tiny black satin evening bag with rhinestone clasp, and some lovely butterfly hair clips. Nobody Special was wearing our group's choice of a deep blue micro-velvet mini dress decorated with THE most delicious lighter blue glass beads in an interesting pattern, and had her hair up in Ficcare clips and some nice black high-heel sandals with a 3/4 length satin overcoat.
I was wearing: a full-length black jersey 70's Grecian-look long dress with a peach satin 50's opera coat with big picture collar and 3/4 length sleeves and lots o' cleavage (well, it was a *formal* occasion! :-)), and super-tall black velvet sandals with leopard heels and soles on 'em, leopard and black jet bead earrings and a big ol' mustard-colored Bakelite bracelet made out of Mah-Jong tiles and beads (my best friend made it for me for Xmas). And of course the crazy hairdo that didn't work. I had told everyone in advance that I would be wearing a "fabulous outfit", but I think it didn't quite come out that way in reality. Also, I just dyed my hair blonder this week, it's an indescribable color that matched/complemented the peach coat. It all worked together, somehow.....
So, finally, it was time for the end of show band jam. I had not wanted to leave my new pals -- just met Libra for the first time that night (and she found ME!) and she is way cool. And I didn't have my usual cojones, so I didn't try to cheat my way back onto the floor 'til the band jam at the end of the ceremonies.
I got in easily this time and sat with Minx and NS for a couple mins., and then Minx says she spotted Brett on the TV shot when Bonnie Raitt was coming up from the audience, so let's go find the CI&S table. We're wandering around, and then I spot Hannah and Lani standing in the smack middle front of the room, with a gaggle of other girls. I think CI was playing guitar at the front of the stage at this point? So I head over to say hi. CI is onstage running from one instrument to another, and Kenney is on the drums.
This really wacked-out chick gets pulled up onto the stage by CI, but then he stays at the back near the drum riser, while she undulates throughout the stage and tries to make coherent sentences with different band jam members. They humor her, but you can see by their faces that she is either really drunk, on something, or a nut. Security is too weirded out by her to remove her. So she does her own private dancer thing (was this live on TV?), making sure to wiggle her backside plenty front and center before the whole thing ends. What a goof. She was lovin' it, though, in her mixed-up world of substance-altering confusion. (What is WITH these chicks in California who can't hold their liquor who do the harlot act???)
After it was all over, we were wandering the room and trying to find each other, and possibly locate the boys to say hi. We also poked through some of the bags o'swag left by all the industry types. The tables were strewn with freebies, and everybody was nicking (taking) the potted tulips from the tables. I got some Royal Crown Revue matches (whoopee) and some guy was looking for all the free guitar picks and phone cards (I didn't bother). We did find some admittance patches -- however, there were for the #$%@ing Hospitality Room -- but only 'til 9pm. Uh, yeah, that would have been nice to find when we CAME IN!! Whatever.
We did spot Kenney and said hi. He said, "Hey, you knucklehead!" and gave me a hug and then rushed off for the private Hospitality Room soiree. We watched the bogus band for a bit in the free afterparty area. Then went to the ladies' and had an innnteresting talk with some industry-type chix who had All Access passes. They had been in the Hospitality room and said CI didn't stay too long. He did a couple interviews for some high schoolers (???) and had been giving the kids some tips. We took a joke group picture, all ratty now, against the lovely toilet backdrop, and headed back upstairs.
We see Roly and chat with him. Our group consisted of Hannah, Lani, me, the Minx, Nobody Special, the two mystery BH'ers, and one of the east coast BH'ers. We took some pix. We talked for a while, and then Roly had to head for home. He looked awfully, awfully nice, wearing a black suit and black shirt. I think the suit was linen and the shirt was silk -- not sure. All I can say is that it fit him very well! He looked sooo manly, and slim, and dressed up. Very, very nice. I had to hug him twice and give him a peck on the cheek 'cause he looked so good. He's always so kind and friendly -- you can talk to him about anything.
I forgot to complement Roly on the band's choice of suits that night. The funny thing is, today we remembered that I had asked Hershel about those very suits when we were in Konocti. I had said, "Hey, Hershel, whatever happened to those awesome red and black suits you wore at the Levi's Plaza gig three years ago? Bring those back!" And he said that they were in storage and that they hadn't worn 'em for a long time, but that he would ask CI. And there they were last night! Neat! And now Brett has one. Is it official then, Brett?? Sure hope so!
The suits are black with red insets and lovely detailing -- you'll have to see 'em up close. Hey boys, wear those ANYTIME -- they're even nicer than the ones you usually wear! Mix it up a little, we don't mind. If CI had worn his, instead of the mirror-suit (which was probably freaking out the camera), his is a RED suit with black insets. They are just superlatively nice suits. I'm so glad to see 'em out of the mothballs again. Thanks, Hersh and CI!
Now, about that lady suit.....can we get you to wear IT? And mothball that ugly-ass purple one, ok? 'Ta.
And let us pause here for thanks that no belly dancers were shown (harmed) during this production! Perhaps there's a rider in the BAMMIES contract, haha. No belly dancers allowed. Bad music and swearing, yes, but no arrythmic belly dancers.
So, that's it. Hope you enjoyed this birds-eye view of the BAMMIES. According to ECP, they had a net cast of the event. How neat! At least they did one thing right. But overall, the BAMMIES was very badly organized. It was nice to see Cheech, Don Johnson, etc. And all those Cali-rock luminaries. Although I was kinda hoping Ms. Courtney Love would show up...
But BAM, you need to get your #$%@ together. At least know who your damn presenters are, if people call you to inquire! And nix on the $6.00 drinks and $2.50 pint-size Evians, ok? There were plenty of overpriced snax and Peachy's Puffs (cigarette and candy) girls circulating the room too.
Oh, and I did shake Kelly Rutherford's hand at one point during the free afterparty and say hi. I certainly didn't allude to my heckling, though! I didn't see her with CI at all afterward. She mingled for a bit at the free party. She seemed a bit shorter up close, but she must be 5'9" or so? And was wearing a lot of makeup - probably for the TV. It looked like TV/theatrical makeup, really thick/creamy stuff that you wear for the stage. (I'm an actor, so I've used that stuff.) She is very pretty, with a nice blond hairdo.
That's all. Hope you enjoyed this.
Ciao for now,
Your fun-lovin' B.D. the Heckler
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