kijungs gay ass vent blog :T
8/29/2020
hi lol. i dont really have many friends so i kind of want a place to vent that will be mostly private, not some shit like wattpad or ao3 lmao. and also i kind of want it to be lengthy so twitter is a no. so whatever. here you go.
8/30/2020
i fucking hate d.i.d i hate it so fucking much. not only is like everyone i know against me but even my own fucking system is against me lol! like i literally just fucking exist and they talk shit about me. even seokie. its just because im a little mean sometimes. and then they fucking act like im so horrible and dangerous like ughh. just wish i could be a normal teenager lol why did my family have to almost kill me heheehe!!! i dont mean to be rude i really dont. i guess sometimes i feel like i need to so i dont seem like weak or something i guess. i dont even really know. i just hate this shit i hate it so fucking much.
9/1/2020
..remember how i said i have no friends hah? yeah. everytime im around everyone asks why. they all ask when seok will be back. once they even asked what things could trigger someoone else to front. im trying not to get emotional i feel like such a stupid baby right now why am i so fucking weak?? i just want them to like me. i just want friends. im sorry im so mean im sorry i really am. its not on purpose. i dont know why i do it i just start being mean to someone and i cant stop and i just blow up at everyone else.
9/3/2020
i really do take everyone for granted. i feel so stupid about it. amuri has been dormant for like 3 months. i didnt think much about it until now and i never expected to miss him so much. i was too harsh on him. i was jealous. he got all the attention. he was the one in the system that everyone favored. people babied him. i hated it and i was too mean to him but now i cant stand it i just want him to come back.i feel really horrible about all of this.
9/13/2020
wowww amuri fronted for a sec after seok got high on meth thats just fucking lovely i love being a system wow!fuck that guy seriously ugh
9/15/2020
lol that moment when the host of ur system gets fucking high off meth after talking to ur abusvie dad and then oh what a fucking surprise they get triggered as shit and youre forced to front lol!! and then when u try to stab yourself everyone tries to make YOU feel like the bad guy hahah thats so fucking cute!! lol he told me he wishes i went through with it im seriously so fucking tired of this cunt. im tired of all of them. i dont fucking understand why they treat me like a fucking outcast. then he texts all my friends like "sorry its okay he was just freaking out!" ITS NOT FUCKING OKAY HAAHFJHSH FUCK YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF i really fucking hate him. i try not to be so insulting but i cant stand this anymore he only fucking cares about himself and doesnt make any effort to try to improve shit. i dont even think he cares how it affects anyone else. and any fucking time i complain violet fucking guilt trips me. "we make you front because youre more emotionally equipped to deal wif this stuff smh seokie is emotionally disabled he might kill himself :'(" boo fucking hoo im literally 14 and youre forcing me to front after this dude is high off fucking meth like are you fucking insane?? then you wonder why i'd be acting weird while i'm literally dealing with effects from a substance i didnt even fucking want inside of me. fuck all of them i hate it here. i really do.
9/24/2020
ive been frontstuck for 5 fucking days because seok just HAD TO TALK TO DAD AGAIN LOL!!! like he knew what was going to fucking happen oh my god. apparently shit was worse this time like what did he fucking expect??? and all he caan fucking do is just retreat and im forced to fucking front because i can 'handle things better' HSDBHFA NO I FUCKIGN CANT I WNAT TO KILL MYSELF EVERY FUCKING DAY. im sorry im not trying to victim blame im just so fucking stressed. i cant take care of his kids or his dog i just cant ddeal with all this stuff. i just want to be in headspace and talk to ikki again im so fuckign tired of this shit. even when i was able to go back into headspace i realized no one else was fronting and my d.i.d is catatonic so basically I just fucking went unconcious so that's nice! loved coming back to realize i was on the floor and i hit my head so hard i bled ughhh thats so cute. i already had a fucking migraine and now this lol :)))))). i just want to kill myself is it even fucking worth it at this point?? everything is going wrong. everyone tells me im good at handling things emotionally but i think thats starting to wear off. i just bottled everything up but i cant anymore. last night i was breaking down to my friend about everything and i think they really didnt know what to say but i just oculdnt stop i had to get all my feelings out because no one ever fucking lets me. im not allowed to fucking cry or complain or i get guilt tripped. i cant cry without feeling like im fucking weak. my mental health has been so fucking bad.ive been crying more than ever and i get triggered so often and my flashbacks get so fucking bad i start hallucinating and my ears start ringing. i relapsed in self harm because of it but i got guilt tripped for that too lol! its nice that when im in clear emotional distress everyone is mad at me but seok just fucking gets high off meth and drinks himself to sleep and they dont fucking say anything im about to fucking cry i dont understand what i did to deserve this???? i try my best i always fucking try my best but i get this in return. one day im just going to fucking do it lol im just going to shoot myself. i dont even care about anyone else at this fucking point. what, seok has kids to raise? he has friends that would be sad if he died? boo hoo i dont fucking care lol he shouldve thought about that beforehand lol
10/5/2020
god i fucking ruin anything i cant even have friends without fucking it up im seriously about to fucking cry. i dont even fucking like this dude but i still feel like shit now seok is going to be mad at me for getting his friends all mad god i ruin everything i just want to fucking hhurt myself i cant name a worse feeling than fucking embarrassment i just want to crawl up into a hole and fucking die right now
11/29/2020
why cant he just fuckign respect me he always sends things ive made as ajoke he even jokes about my venting i cant fuckig take it he sent my self portrait to someone aand they told me i need to learn to draw lol i caant ake it i want to kill myself so fucking bad i cant do this anymore i dont want to be like this anymore i jsut want it to fucking endand everyone just treate d it like ti was funny i cant stop crying i never get any fucking respect i want to hurt myself so bad im done theres no fucking reason for me to live its just torment every single day i cant go a fuckcing day without crying im so done i want it to be over
12/22/2020
i found out someone i used to be friends with claims to have alters now lol. i physically wanted to throw up when they talked about it. they treated it like it was fun and cute. they talked about naming their 'alter'. they said they went through song lists and "felt" the alter say THAT ONE THAT ONE! to a certain song title like a fucking child in a candy store. i feel so fucking sick. i would give anything to be normal. literally anything. i fucking hate this. they used to make me feel horrible about this shit im physically fucking shaking right now. i just want to fucking be normal and they talk over me and pretend they know more about this than me. i fucking cried when they did it. i told them over and over they ddont fucking know what its like and they didnt care they just kept talking over me and being a know it all. i cant stop trembling i woudl jsut fucking give anything to be normal. everytime i ssee someone faking DID i just breakdown i cant take it. im ashamed of my fucking existence. i take on seokies name and identity. i hurt myself just for existing. i want to kill myself constantly jsut because i have DID. but all these people get to fake it annd when they turn their computer off theyre normal again adn they get to return to their happy life and i have to keep fuckign suffering and bein g tormented by EXISTING HAHSDFF. fuck you. fuck you gordon. fuck you for making me ashamed fuck you for fucking existing youre jsut like jack. fuck you.
1/1/2021
first day into the new year and ive already cried. i keep feeling embarrassed to be a system i dont know why i just keep hiding myself when i front i dont tell anyone its me i jsut ughdbfgfds i want to be normal so fucking bad im so tired of this i could probably pass off as normal if seokie and ikki would agree but amuri never shuts his fucking mouth so. i dont mean to be rude to him i just, i dont know. i hope i just wake up one day and im just normal. i dont care if i wouldnt exist anymore thatd be fucking great. i dont want to do this. i dont want to be alive. im tired of waking up to a life that doesnt feel right everyday i just am forced to take care of these kids i dont even remember having im forced to look after the stupid fucking dog i have to maintain a job i have to do all this shit i just dont want to do it anymore. on top of all that i have to be fucking embarrassed to exist. no matter how many people are okay with systems and give me love and support theres always one person who does the opposite and its enough to make me want to hurt myself again. i dont want to be like this cant you see that you fucking cunt i dont want to be "cringey" anymore i dont want to have a disorder that seems like some weird fucking roleplay thing i just want to be normal. maybe im selfish but i want it to just be me. i remember when i was host i just want it back i just want to live MY life. am i just a fucking douchebag i dont know.