Mundayne Sarchasm

G- ZUS!
TIME-12:24 am DATE-April 23,'03
God, Steve is a fucking trip! The other day I had to put a new door knob on my bedroom door. That wasn't fun. lol You don't even want to know. Mom has been off for the past 2 days. I don't really have much to say. I have pms right now, so...I'm not in the greatest mood. Gar! I don't know what else to say. :O Hmm...maybe I'll write again later. Oh, I really need to search for a guestbook. ttfn!
Fuck you, Grandma!
TIME-1:08 pm DATE-April 20,'03
Well, it's Easter day, and 4:20, and I have nothing to do. I stayed home from the feast of verbal character assasination which is easter dinner at my grandmother's house. I'm so glad that I'm 18 now. lol So, I do have some things to do. Like, this for example. I haven't blogged or...logged, whatever in so long now. ::sigh:: I got a letter from John yesterday. I miss him so much. He said that he's been thinking of our future, and things. ::awwww:: So have I. I was looking over my old dream journal, and found a dream that I had about him. I cried after I read about it. ::sad:: Well, I have to add a few diarist links, and then I have to go get you good people a guest book, and I have to get this good person (me) some lunch. :D ttfn! Oh! p.s. I think I'm going to put a pic up. Just for shits and giggles. :D
Blasted Mini Blinds!
TIME-2:20 pm DATE-April 15,'03
Yesterday was pretty good. Late last night, I finally found that speck of intellegence that was fleeting me, and I figured out how to put the mini blinds up. They look so nice :) It's a beautiful day today. It's about 80. Trina called this morning around 11. I was having a really good dream, too. lol Damn her! :P lol Anyway, we talked for about 10 minutes. That was nice. :) Oh, I have great news! Sarah and I are friends again! WOO! :D Jamie was over at her house, and she immed me. She said that she was at Sarah's house. I said "Sarah who?" She told me which Sarah, and she told me that Sarah said hi. :D She asked if they could call me, and of course I said yes. So, they called, and I got to talk to Sarah, and Jamie. It was awesome. :D Now we have plans to hang out this weekend. We're going glow bowling. :) I love to go glow bowling. I wear lots of white when I go, because it looks awesome in the blacklights. It smells like a dog in here. I think it might be these pants. They always smell bad, no matter how many times I wash them. Oh, Craig has a show coming up. :D I can't wait to see him play. He was really good at his mom's wedding. The show will be on May 3rd. Well, I think that's all for now.
Blasted Mini Blinds!
TIME-2:01 pm DATE-April 11,'03
I've been trying to put up these blinds in my room for the past week. I feel so stupid. I finally got the fasteners up last night around 1. Then, I try to put the blind in. It wouldn't fit. I didn't space them far enough apart. So, I took one down, and moved it over a bit. I re-attached it, but it wasn't snug enough. So, since it was around 1:30 am, and I was frustrated, I stopped for the night, and watched some tv. I proceeded to change my sheets and my pillowcases. I've been meaning to do that for god only knows how long now. So, after I was finished with that, I decided that I didn't want to make my clean sheets and pillowcases all smelly, so I got a shower. lol By the time I was done with all that, it was about 2 am. keep in mind that I was under the impression that I was going to be getting up around 7 am to go to the bank, Ald1's, and W@1- M@rt. Thank goodness mom didn't wake up until around 11 am. I finally got to sleep around 4 am, and was tossing and turning like a tossed salad and chicken breast combo... So, I ended up sleeping until 12 pm. The one and only reason that I decided to get out of bed is that I was afraid that mom wasn't up for work. Soon after she left, I made another shot at the blinds. I got the fasteners up, and they looked ok. I hadn't taken into account that the screw heads would be getting in the way of blind head that needed to be inserted into the fasteners. Well, of course, it didn't fit, and when I tried to pull the adjustment cord, they fell out of the fasteners. At this point, I was asking myself out loud how stupid I was that I couldn't even install a mini blind. I tried again, and it didn't work. Wishful thinking told me to try again, and maybe by some grace of god, it would fit this time. No such luck. So, there I am, calling myself this and that, feeling like an invalid. So, I quit trying. I took all of the hardware off of the window. I proceeded to come downstairs, smoke a cigarette, and cry for a minute. Mom said earlier today that she'd help me get them up. I feel like such a retard. Hell...a real retard would probably know how to install a mini blind. After all that, I don't know what to do. I feel so...sad. Why am I not the wizard that I wish to be when it comes to simple household jobs? ::sigh::
Off To School We Go!
TIME-2:14 pm DATE-April 9,'03
We went to sign my brother up for school today. That was neat. I took a bunch of pics of him. He can't wait to go. :D Besides that, I think that's just about the only thing that has happened so far today. My friend won't be over today. : / I do need to clean though, so I guess I'll do that today. I need to get my storage containers to the basement. I've been looking at Wally- World, and Am@z0n to find some things I'm going to need for my place, but I can't seem to find anything that strikes me. I went shopping yesterday for a few things. I actually got a good ammount of stuff, but I still have alot more to go. I'm going to try to find some more things on my list online.
Snow What?
TIME-2:24 pm DATE-April 7,'03
It's snowing again. It seems like it's been snowing once a week, no matter what the weather SEEMS like it might be up to. I talked to Pap about the war yesterday. It was nice to actually be able to talk to him, and to have a subject to talk about. We talked for an hour or so. It was great. :D I had a chance to call my life insurance company, and get things straightened out with my billing. It was relatively not nerve wracking, unlike I'm sure that the call to the phone company will be. I really haven't done all that much today. Though, I did decide to add a link to my archives. I was going to put them on this page. I know that it would definately look nicer. I'm not sure what I'll do yet. I'll most likely get them on here. It might take me a few days though. I'm going to go work on that now.
Sweat, Baby, Sweat!
TIME-5:21 pm DATE-April 5,'03
I just got done doing my workout. The downstairs part, anyway. I still have to do about 100-350 cals. on the recumbant bike. I just got the screws for the seat today. I did something really bad today. I started smoking again. It won't last, because I'm too cheap to buy them, and I'm too worried about my health, and too bull headed to accept it. I really have to get my papers organized. I got a letter from my health insurance provider today, and they said that they're going to start taking funds right out of my checking accout. I didn't say that they could, but they seem to think differently. So, there's angry phone call #1 for Monday. I'm listening to the news, and they're going to have someone on that knows Saddam Hussein inside and out. Eww. I wish that I had a pet. I keep hoping that maybe our old cat will come back, and hang around a little. I know in my heart that she won't though. We have skunks, and groundhogs that are always in our yard, and she's really scared of them. Last summer, we found carcasses of small animals at the bottom of our yard. The skunks and groundhogs attack everything just to get food. At least that's what I think. Maybe it's a cult that's leaving them there. Hey! Don't look at me like that! ...It could happen!
Bitch on Wheels, En Route to Hell
TIME-10:35 am DATE-April 4,'03
Well, I wasn't going to blog this until later, but this day is just turning out to be one of the most nerve wracking of all my years. First of all, the sibs were freaking out about everything. Crying, and just being overall brats. Of course, that's getting to me, and I'm yelling, and whatnot. I swear... We were going to go to the grocery store today, which I don't really need anything, but, I still wanted to get out of the house. I want to hilight my hair, which is the most plain color brown imaginable. I just need a change. I've been wanting to change my hair for a while, because it's just there. I used to have it all kinds of colors, but then I decided that I just wanted it to be natural. I was tired of spending money on damaging my hair. I also need some new hair ties, after being bored enough to fling my last good one across the livingroom the other day, whilst getting it stuck behind the entertainment center. I'm not moving that whole thing for an elastic band that most likely only cost me about 0.30. Oh, I need some N@ir too. I will sing it's praises until the river runs dry! Don't buy the Sa@lley H@ns3n 3pilette. It leaves stubble. If I wanted stubble, I wouldn't be paying you fine people for this stinky shit to slather on myself, so I can proceed to leave it sit for 4 min. while I have absolutely nothing to do but stare at a wall. Then, I gotta wash this shit off, which, it leaves a gross film. They tell you not to use soap to wash it off either. ::exhasperated:: Well, I went out already today to do some gardening. I'm a natural born garden person. I love to play in the dirt, plant things, watch, and help them grow. It's great. I weeded 3 beds...which are actually more like two. The one is really tiny. not even a square foot. I need to go out and clean up my tools, and the weeds that I pulled. I planted some cactus. Hopefully, they didn't get drowned by all of the rain/snow that came after it was supposed to. : / I just want to say one last thing...it should be legal to kill your family. I know that mine could definately drive me to murder.
Present Friends, Past Friends, and the Like
TIME-11:44 pm DATE-April 3,'03
I'm really down today. I've been thinking about guys alot. Guys in my life, ones that aren't anymore, but used to be a large part of it. Tall ones, short ones, skinny ones, fat ones, ones that I wish were here, and ones that I wish I had never met. Along with ones that I get worried about, and wonder how they are. Some that simply just weren't man enough. They were right... they just weren't man enough for me, I guess. A fine example of one of the few times in a man's life when he actually is right. If you want me, you have to come get me, and take a chace. You can't just be a loaf about it. It's amazing how certain songs can spark things within me. I heard a song today at the gas station, and I just got so happy. Then, I got sad. Thinking about the last time someone mentioned that song. ::sigh:: Have you ever been completely honest with someone, and then hoped that your bluntness didn't rip everything to shreds. I'm having that problem, and holding my breath until I know what they're thinking. A few friends are having a hard time right now. I feel so stupid worrying so much about myself, and my problems while their problems are so much more important. This not having a car is really starting to get to me. I'm going to start saving again. I'm going to get my permit, hopefully next Tuesday. Then, I'm going to work on saving up about 200.00 or so. Then, I'm going to go to a lot in Dover, and find me a ride. I'm tired. I went to an art website today. It's nice. They did a great job on it. Mom is pissing me off again. Mothers tend to do that, as well as children do that to their parents. So...I'll let that slide.
War! Uh! Good God, Y'all!
TIME-10:07 pm DATE-April 2,'03
War is beautiful. (Stay with me here for a minute)...We are liberating these poor people in Iraq. We are seriously doing them a big fuckin' favor. I just saw some footage on the news that showed all of these Iraqis (Possibly Kuwaitis, or Palistinians)and they were cheering, and saying thank you. They looked so happy. Practically dancing in the streets. This is a good thing that we are doing. We are the only ones that are willing to help out the downtrodden. No one else cares enough, or has enough balls to help others. Leave it to the USA. Damn, we're such good people, I could just shit myself. ...LOL Seriously though, I don't understand why everyone is against helping all of these people. Don't they see what's going on? Even if people die...have some faith in god, for christ sake! (That didn't sound right, did it? lol) God has a plan for everyone, these people are dying, but, they're in a much better place now. How do you think it would be living under the rule of a madman? God bless America. ::Lights sparklers, salutes the flag, puts hand over heart and says the Pledge of Alegiance, all with a big stupid grin on my face... :D ::
Early Noon Rant
TIME-1:02 pm DATE-April 1,'03
I was trying a minute ago to edit my entry yesterday. Does the text have to be in one continuous block of garbled crap? I've tried everything that I could think of to make it actually have paragraphs instead of one huge chunk. That really annoys me. Maybe I'll find a place that doesn't have that problem. What can I say...I'm pickey. Anywhoo...it was snowing again today. I wish it would just warm up already. It was so nice there for a few weeks, and it was even in the 80's. Now, we're getting snow...SNOW!! IN APRIL!! OH MY FUCKING GOD! It's so unfair. I need good weather to feel my least insane. If it doesn't clear up soon, I'm going to need shock therapy! lol Let's see...the coffee was horrible this morning, and my mom was harassing me with a list of shit to do. "Oh, you could wash the floors too." WASH THE FLOORS??!?! Are you kidding? What was that I did yesterday, along with all the other house work? Was I simply playing with the mop? Hell, now that she mentions it...maybe I was. The house already looks like hell. Sometimes I feel like no one even cares, or takes notice that I clean at all. I can't stand my family sometimes! Mainly because...I'm perfect...MUAHAHAHA! Well, I have to go now, and clean the sty.
Me, Sarcastic?
TIME-9:31 pm DATE-March,31,'03
Wow...I'm so tired. I haven't been this tired in a very long time. I can't seem to type very well right now. I keep messing up. My name is Mundayne Sarchasm. I live in PA, I'm 18, and I'm female. I was just telling someone the other day, it really sucks being a chick. Boobs, babies, periods, vaginas, obgyn examinations, birth control, male cheauvinism (did I misspell that?). This list may seem long, but, that's not even the half of it. Why is it that when guys go to get their members' checked, they get a hot nurse grabbing their balls, and chicks have to feel like they're paying someone to molest them? The whole thing is so grody. Unless I ever find myself dating a gynocologist, I wish not to expose my lady parts to a doctor. I don't know why it's such a big deal for me. I guess I'm still immature about it. I should prolly look into getting a check up on the nethers though. Alot of young women end up having different types of cancers and things in that region. ::sigh:: Die of cervical cancer, or die of embarrasment. There's a thought. Anyway, aside from talk about gynos, and whatnot, here's a little bit about me. I'm usually bored, and usually online. That says alot for the web, huh? I can never seem to find anything fun to do on the internet, besides research, and things of that nature. So, if you happen to find something neat out there...please don't hesitate to send me a link to it. Just email me, and put "link" in the subject line. Hmm, let's see...I used to have a blog on Blogger, but I got tired of it. Then I was offline for a while, and couldnt' update it even if I did still have it. I'm a very loyal person, and the small group of friends that I do have are very important to me (also accepting new applicants!...hehe) I'm also a little sarcastic. It's a part of my charm...or, lack there of. Did I mention that I live in PA? Fun is illegal here...so, forget about actually doing anything worth while. There is a movie theater about ten miles from here. I swear, I live in the middle of nowhere! We have a convieniance store up the road, a W3ndy's, a greasy diner that truckers are prone to frequent, a car wash, a car lot, and some other miscellaneous things. Nothing worth any ammount of time, mind you. My computer is having a bad day. It keeps yelling at me for pressing the shift key for too long. I dont' really like the programming of Windows XP. I like the look though. Very nice. I've been selling alot of stuff on [email protected] lately. I've been doing well. The key to it is that you can't care about how much you're going to make from each item. You have to look at the lowest prices that other people already posted for that item, and price yours lower. If that causes you too much pain though, don't bother. You dont' want to sell something for less than you're willing to take for it, right? I was thinking about using 3b@y, but, I've heard a few horror stories about it. My guinea pig is being noisy. Her name is Squeakers. She's adorable...for a rodent. lol. Everyone says that she's the fattest guinea pig that they've ever seen. I wouldn't know why...all she does all day is eats and sleeps. lol Have you ever wished that you could help a friend get over all of their problems, but there's no way that you can possibly do anything for them, because it's other people that are causing their problems? I have a few friends that I always feel so bad for. I really wish that I could do something to help them out...but, I'm not the person that they're having trouble with. If only those people would realize what good people my friends are, they'd take it easy on them, and just make things work. The majority of people, at least the ones around here...are fucking stupid. : P yah...you heard me! lol By the way...did I mention that I babysit my brother and sister? I should go check on them... :O BRB! eh..nevermind. lol I'll just be back tomorrow. I'm getting a little bored anyway.
ANCIENT ARCHIVES
1/7/03 I�m officially starting the writing of my book. I really hope that I can produce something worth reading ((nervous laughs)) EEP! I hope that at least one or two people that end up reading it will like it. :D I hope�lol Anyway, I�m on the path to literary success! Yeah! J I�m such a tart ;O

1/6/03 I got a letter from John today. The strange thing is that I have to wonder when he hasn�t sent me a letter, but it makes me feel like shit after I read them. I think it�s at the point where talking to him at all is proving to be detrimental to my psyche. I mean, I end up feeling really down on myself. I really think that I�m going to ask him 2 questions�what was it that I did to deserve that�why did he have so little concern for my feelings? And also�was I the only person that he could remember the address of, or what? Because I�d really love to know why he decided to write to me in the first place, besides the fact that he has been guilty since the day that it happened. I don�t� even know if I can believe him, ya know? God. Why do things have to be so confusing. I think that I know what I�m going to do in the future though. I think that all I want in a relationship is just that�and no sex�because I think that might have been what made everything go downhill. I think�I don�t know�who knows. I�m really glad that it did go downhill though. I wish that it wouldn�t have happened in that particular way, but I am glad that he and I aren�t together anymore. But, I think that I might want to keep him as a friend. That way, I can still have the things with him that I liked�friendship. Someone to talk to�but, when he and I get into the whole dating thing�it�s just bad news. It�s been like that with all of the guys that I�ve been really serious about. �Maybe it�s just htat I�m the bad news�.LMFAO!!!! Oh lordy, that�s the most laughable thing�.HAHAHAA!!!! }:P

1/5/03 �The nights are lonely, the days are so sad. I just keep thinkin� about the love that we had. And I�m missin� you�and nobody knows it but me. how are things? You can ask my heart�like a jigsaw puzzle, it�s been torn all apart�and I�m missin� you�and nobody knows it but me.�

1/4/03 Mom won�t get up. I asked her to a few times now, and she won�t. I guess I�m not going out of the house this week either. I really need my paycheck. I have bills and stuff, but she won�t go to the bank, so I can�t have my money. I really don�t see how I�m supposed to save money for a car when she won�t pay me most of the time. I tried calling Derek, to see if maybe he wanted to hang out or whatever, but I guess he doesn�t like me anymore either. I know that my dad doesn�t like me�that�s a given from all of these years, so, I won�t try and call him. Pappy Pritz can�t drive anymore, Grandma Brenneman would be busy. I don�t know what the hell I�m supposed to do. I feel so used. I�m going to cry again. �I am. Deep breaths, and all that�Fuck it. I think I�m just going to get drunk, and high, and call it a day. L Later this day�That was around 3 or so. Maybe 2. Anyway, It made me forget about some things�but, it put in realization that I need to do something for myself. I really need to keep saving for this car. It�s so close now�.and I need to get my bills paid off. It shouldn�t be long. I�m paying them all about 5.00 a week. I hope that will be alright with all of them. I do have a lot to pay. I can�t believe that I got myself so deep into debt with mail order. I didn�t think it would be like that�I was just so blinded by greed I think. Shit. ::sigh::

1/3/03 The first incarnation of my last entry was a lot better than what is at the date for the first, but, the computer messed everything up. It had something to do with the normal template, or something like that. Well, I wrote John another letter, and I haven�t gotten one back yet. I have to wonder if maybe he read it and decided that he wants nothing to do with me�lol maybe because I already know about him being a father�maybe not though. Maybe he�s trying to think of some good lies to tell me this time. Or�maybe he just didn�t get around to writing. But, when you�re in prison, I doubt that there�s anything better to do. Maybe he�s scared that he won�t have the right answers to my questions. Who knows�but, I do know that I feel a little rejected by it in a way�I thought that he�d get right back to me�and he didn�t� : /

1/1/03 This GD computer is really getting on my nerves�It�s acting retarded� : /

12/14/02 It's been a while. I think that I already mentioned that the computer was out of commision for a while. Now, it's in my room. Mom gave it to me for my birthday...really late birthday, but...anyway. lol it was still a really nice gesture. i can't believe that this computer is mine now. woa. hehehe :D this kicks so much ass. i just need to get back online. lololol. i need a shower, and bad. i really need to get my whole diary online here...that would kick. :D :D :D i've always wanted to have the whole thing on. not just some of it. i think that i might take a week off from writing, or something, and edit this, and then add the stuff that's on paper. hmm...sounds like an idea. i've had a hankering to put everything onto the computer lately. i dont' know why that is though. it just has to be somekind of premonition of some sort. i'm always having those. anyway, my neck hurts. gotta go. :P at least my wrists feel better now. i put one of those buckwheat pillows under my wrists. yay :D ...And later that day.... :D It's about11:51. I'm watching MAD tv. I love this shit. :D hehe...anyway...Puddle of Mudd was just on there. Doing their song "She Hates Me" I used to love it, but, now, it just gets too much airplay for me...it's like...damn, it's getting annoying now, ya know? gah...what ever. :P I've been using alot of those little faces. :D:D:D:D:D:D I kinda like them more than i think that I should. hehe. whatever. i love tv. i'm sitting here watching it, and thinking...wow, that's some quality programming (of "That 70's Show and MAD TV) :) well...I think I'm done on this for now. I've got other typing to get done. So...so long for now.

11/28/02 I�m listening to Ozzy. I was listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd. But, Buddy let me listen to his Ozzy CD. J I really like that other version of War Pigs. It�s a lot�scarier than the one that they play on the radio. I have my entire diary on the computer now. I�ve been wanting to get that done for a while now, but I just never had the time to do something so involved. So, I�m thankful for that. :D Dinner was good. Mom did a good job, and I can�t say that I didn�t do good peeling potatoes. Lol Anyway, I really miss my friend today. I don�t know what they�re up to right now. I hope they�re having fun though. Shannon and I were talking last night, and we had a blast. Lol We talked for at least a total of like�five hours or so. Heh. Just picking on people, talking about stupid shit. It was grand. Lol I�m trying to get some of my poems published, so I�m working on getting those typed up today also. I hope that I have a good amount of time to get that done, because I really would like to get all of them submitted to a bunch of different places. I really hope that more of my stuff gets published than what already is. I had one thing published�from poetry.com. They suck! They�re just a scam to get your money, that�s all they are. : / It makes me sad that a place would use the love for poetry to lure people into wasting their money on a scam. I should report them to the BBB. Should, but most likely won�t. lol I�ll see what I can do. Until then though, I need to type. So long!

11/27/02 I cleaned today. I'm working on getting some of my poetry published. So, I've submitted about three so far. I'll have to post them for everyone to see soon. I think that's just about it for now. The house smells really nice. lol

11/26/02 I had to get up early to go get a turkey. Had to deposit some money too. I'm so tired. I had a headache earlier...It was a caffeine headache. Only had one cup of coffee today. My mind is racing with fucked up stuff, like...why don't things go right, and why do we always got to fight, and why is everything wrong, and why does it never take long before things fall apart, and why does it feel like life imitates some kind of cruel art where everyone is fucked up and abused feels accused of shit they didn't do and all we need now is some relationship glue cause things just keep going' to shit, there's nothing to do now, that's just ... it.

11/25/02 I have to clean today. I wanted to talk to one of my friends today, but they won't be on. Oh well. I guess I should just keep my mind on cleaning. lol Well...I got to jet!

11/24/02 I worked today. About 8 hours. Went to the grocery store...and I think I saw almost everyone that I've ever come into contact with. lol Jason was looking like his brain was about to go on overload. I guess working at a grocery store during holiday season would really have the tendency to get to ya. It was absolutely packed. Remind me to never get groceries on a weekend. There were millions of people just chillin' talking' to each other too. It was like...FUCK! WOULD YOU MOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEE?!?!!??! lololol Ah, anyway...I didn't see Adam there, which is unusual. he's always there, since he started eating only fresh fruits and veggies. That's how he lost all that weight. I was so proud of him when I first saw him. He was just so driven to look a certain way. He idolizes Marilyn...so, he wants to look like him. Which, seems to be working pretty well. He better not cut his hair though, cause it's really long now, and it's awesome. I chilled with mom and Buddy last night. We watched The Simpsons, and King of The Hill. It was cool. :) Buddy was talking about when his brother went to Amsterdam, and there were all of these bars there where you could openly smoke weed. That reminded me of the Cannabis Cup...So, I went to High Times, and I was reading about it. I was telling Buddy everything I was reading (he's an old head) and, ...I think that if my mom and he are still together by this time next year...we will be vacationing in Amsterdam for the 16th annual Cannabis Cup...and Buddy wants to get judges passes...MAHAYANA! It'll be great. But, now, I don't know if I want to save for my lap top, or save for my pot-cation. : D lol I think what I'll do is just put the laptop on hold...cause, the trip is one of those majorly awesome things...who'd want to pass that up? ::happy sigh:: : ) Let's see... after that, I was talking to Trina about the whole thing...and it came to me that...wouldn't it be cool to take a friend along? Or, her and I could go separately than mom, Buddy, and the kids...(mom refuses to leave them with a sitter here in the states during holiday time. I think that it's scheduled quite nicely. I mean...it is something to be thankful for, aye? ;) lol Let's see...after I got done talking to Trina, I was talking to another friend of mine, but then mom made me go to bed...one of the major reasons that I want to get a laptop (for my room) but, that's besides the point. Anyway, after I went to my room, I called Amy, and we talked for a really long time, and then I went over. We talked more, and watched TV. We chilled out on the deck for a while, and we were looking at the stars again. That falling star that we saw the last time, that was a part of a meteor shower...we saw it without realizing what it was. It only happens every 70 years. lol I'm really glad that I got to see it. I really love to be outside, and experience things like that. I really need to get a telescope. They're actually pretty cheap, too. I think maybe I'll get that in a week or two. This week, I think I'm going to finish my Christmas shopping, and put some money in the bank. Then, I think maybe the week after, I'm going to go to the eye doctor, and put all of my money in the bank...so I can pay for my contacts when they come in, I'll just write them a check. Then, maybe the next week, I'll get the telescope. It's amazing, I only have about three more presents to get, and my Christmas shopping will be done. Kimberly is getting one more thing, and so is mom. I also need to get a box of Christmas cards. That's it. :D That's what happens when you start your shopping in late October! :) My room was decorated ( a little ) for Christmas.. and I did that right after Halloween. But, then my lights burnt out, so I have to check all of the bulbs. I think I'm going to get one of those fake trees like Amy and Jon have. It's so pretty. It's white, with white lights on it, dark blue garland, and silver pine cones. It kicks ass! :) This entry is getting a little long so...Bye! : )

11/23/02 My day started early...5 AM early. as it does every weekend. I watched cartoons with Kimberly, and got in a good half hour to an hour of extra sleep (she was content laying on my bed with me, watching that dumbass clown that comes on around 7 or so) She didn�t' get up at 5 when I did, but... I guess it was around 6. Right after mom left, I found myself sitting at the kitchen table with an empty cup of coffee, and no possibilities for a refill. So, I came to the conclusion that maybe I should try to get more sleep before the sibs decided to wake up. I don't think that I was really sleeping when Kimberly woke up...but, I might have been just drifting into sleep. After the clown show was over, I went to give her a kiss and a hug, and...I swear, she smelled like a gym shoe. lol So, I asked her if she wanted to get a shower. Thank god she said yes, or she would have stunk up the whole house. heh. While she was in the shower, I was cross stitching this book mark that I've been working on for a while now. It's just a few day lilies (they're so pretty :D ) anywhoo, then Steven woke up. Of course, he was a brat all day. : / I cleaned my room for most of the day. It's almost clean! LOL I let the sibs make a paper chain. Mom bought them construction paper a while back, and the other day I noticed that they actually didn't use it all yet. So, I taught them how to make the chains last night. Now I'm bored, and sleepy. We got subs from the pizza place again. Right after we ate, I grabbed a stack of pillows, and curled up into a little ball at the end of the couch. It was pretty comfy. :) I really want to get a laptop. Mom asked me today why I wanted one of those. I told her that as for right now, I just want it so when I want to write something, I can type it instead. Like, short stories, for instance. I've been having great ideas, but I hate to write things other than letters by hand. I like to type though. When it gets to be about 3 AM, and I have an idea, I don�t' want to come downstairs, and turn on the computer again, which, is right beside the living room, which is my mother's room also...so...now that she has a boyfriend, it's really not a great idea to be coming downstairs in the middle of the night. lol Well...I think that's it for now. So long!

11/22/02 Nothing really happened today. Finally got to talk to dad... which was about amazing. Dona is thinking about the roommate thing. She said that we should get to know each other better first, which I couldn't agree on more. So, once our work hours settle down a little, we can hang out, and get to know each other. I did some dishes today, because mom offered me a nice sized bribe before she left. I figure that with as many dirty dishes as were there, I could get half of them done just by doing the ones that I don't mind doing as much (plates and bowls). Let's see...I donated a dollar to the wildlife conservation fund...lol Every little bit counts, right? lol If I had more in my checking acct, I would have given more. Maybe if they ask me again when I have more money in there, I'll give them more. I do like wild animals...I really do. I get such a kick out of seeing wild animals. Amy and I were on her deck about 2 weeks ago, around 2 am, doing bong hits in 30 degree weather (we're retarded) anyway, we heard something in the yard, looked down, and there was this huge skunk, which we had smelled faintly, obviously, he hadn't sprayed anywhere near here. Not much else happened today. Besides the fact that I was bored for most of the day. Shannon was over, as usual. :D we checked out a bunch of different sites and stuff, and the usual. All around, it was a pretty good day.

11/21/02 Went to Great Grandma's funeral today. I was trying to get ahold of dad yesterday, because he told me that he really wanted to go to the funeral, because even though she wasn't his grandma, he still liked her a lot. I did call and leave a message, but, as I said yesterday, we never got the chance to talk. We had to take my sibs over to their old babysitter, because they decided that they'd rather see her than go to the funeral (thank god). When we got back, Laura and Jeff stopped in, and Laura was telling everyone about her personal ...very very personal problems...lol and Jeff was as hilarious as he always is. lol They left for the 83 Diner to get some breakfast before we left for Enola. Mom and I got ready, and we were chillin' for a while. Then, Laura and Jeff were back, because no one was waiting up at the diner yet (that's where we meet for road trips, the whole family gathers in the parking lot) anyway, no one was there yet, because it was still a little early, so, they came here. We all talked for a little and then we left. We waited for grandma and pappy Steve for a while (they are always the head car...they know where everything is) So, we were there, talking to Laura and Jeff more. Jeff was trying to sell us pop tarts, and Laura was making little signs, saying ".50 each" lol (Keep in mind...these two are almost in their 40's. lololol they're great) Anyway, it was hilarious. I was listening to Pearl Jam on and off, mostly because I kept getting interrupted. I had my CD case filled to the brim with my fav CDs'...and only listened to Vitalogy (which I'd have to say is one of my favorites this week. lol ((Don't forget Dope & Otep :) ) Anywhoo, we were driving for a while. I recognized a lot of places that I've seen in my dreams before, but never recognized from anywhere...now I know that all of those places were in and around Enola, Lemoyne, and Steelton. Some in Camp Hill and Harrisburg. It was great. Anyway, we got to Great Grandma's church... very new. It's only been there for about a month or so. The viewing was really nice. I was really happy that it reflected her personality so much, and that they talked about how good a person she was...because, if I had to say that I thought that only one person on the whole planet would go to heaven...it would be her. Seriously. Anyway, Grandma had some old artwork of great grandma's that she wanted everyone to have. So, she told everyone that if they wanted any, to go look at it. Mom chose this picture of this flower stand...with about a million different kinds of flowers on it, that great grandma colored. They were so pretty. I chose one that says Love, and it's made out of flowers and stuff. It's awesome. I hung it up last night. Anyway, while we were in the church, my cousins, Brandon and Derek were (as usual) acting like retards. Their behavior was really wrong for a church...a funeral of a family member, no less. They were going' on about sex, and drugs, and all kinds of shit, like they were just sitting in their living room or something. I told Brandon that his mother should slap him upside the head. He said that she was outside smoking. So...I asked if he wanted me to go get her. lol They were acting like idiots....and I think that is so wrong. I mean...Fine, you can talk about that stuff anywhere else...but, that's really fucking disrespectful to be talking about shit like that in "God's house" and ESPECIALLY when you�re very very religious, very strict PENTECOSTAL GREAT GRANDMOTHER is there, having her ...last party, if you could call it that. I don�t' attend church...and that was the first time I've been in a church since I was about...11, I think it was. But...that's just really disrespectful. Another thing that was really nice, is that they sang 2 songs that great grandma loved, and they read a poem that she wrote when she was 13. It was beautiful. When everyone came out...I don't know if anyone but mom and I noticed...but...see...great grandma loved birds, and flowers. She would paint them all the time, draw them... and make her own Christmas cards for everyone. There were a lot of flowers inside the church, near her casket, but, of course, there were no birds inside...but...when we walked outside...over in the right hand field, there was a huge flock of these birds...huge birds. I don't know what they were called...but, they were just ...chillin' at my great grandma's funeral! I hadn't cried all day (mostly because I knew that she's in heaven, and she finally was getting to meet the ones that she had worshipped, and believed in for so long. It must have been a great day for her. So...I didn't cry, because I don't think that she was sad...I think it was her time...she was almost 100. Anyway, this flock of birds...they weren't flying away, they weren't really doing' anything, accept eating, and watching the cars. It was awesome. When we got to the burial site, my second cousin (the preacher) told us that someone had found a pink carnation in the middle of the aisle as everyone was walking out of the church. Pink carnations stand for eternity. That was awesome, mostly because...either by some kind of weirdo thing, it just got there, or by accident. Someone may have dropped it. But...when It comes to the dead, communicating...my family definitely believes that the dead can do whatever they want. Everyone was thinking that great grandma put the flower there to tell us that she's in heaven now. And...because of her vast knowledge of flowers...that would make so much sense. But...I'm not saying that somehow, it couldn't have gotten there in another way. We went to the burial, and it was still raining. I don't own an umbrella...let alone a winter jacket...so, I got completely soaked, and now I feel like shit. But, Brandon and Derek tried to share their umbrella with me (which actually belongs to grandma and pappy Steve). At one point, it was me, Derek, Brandon, and Kath under it at the same time. lol I think at that point, only our faces were staying dry. lol I was really surprised at how bad little David took the whole thing. He must have been closer with great grandma than I thought. We were planning on following Vince (which has decided to get a mail order bride from Cuba...but, we won't go into that right now) We followed him on I-81 (which is just about the most dangerous roadway in PA) to get back to the church for some kind of buffet thing...well, we lost him. We ended up in Perry county...inbreeding capital of the world (PUKES), in Marysville. So, we stopped at Hardees to go to the bathroom. I was starving, because by that time it was past lunch, and I hadn't had anything all day besides a 16 oz. Pepsi, and about 5 pieces of gum. lol So, we (reluctantly) got lunch. It wasn't too bad. I spent the next three hours, trying to direct mom southward, because she kept getting on the beltway north. Eventually, we stopped at a gas station to get a map (at this point, neither one of us knows where we are) so, I was thinking...how do you find where you are on the map if you don't know where you are?!?! So...there was some chick standing behind us in line when we got the map. I said "Umm...what city is this?" She goes "Well...this is Harrisburg-Lemoyne area." So...mom decided that yet again, she knew were we were, which she didn't, and then she asked the same girl for directions. lol She gave us pretty good ones, and we made it to were my grandfather's old porn store used to be. From there, I directed mom home, cause she couldn't remember how to get home from there, even though she worked there for a while. When we were about 10 miles from home...in New Cumberland, she sees a sign that says "I-83 North" I saw it too...and I said "NORTH!?!?!?!" she says "Yes, North." By that time, I had told her at least 12 times that Harrisburg is North, York is South. So...on the onramp, she realizes that we were going the wrong way again...slams on the breaks, and she does a u-turn...so...then she decided to listen to me the rest of the way home...stubborn old woman. Then, we had to go to Star's to pick up my sibs, and then we FINALLY got home. There was only a little bit before one of my friends had to leave for work, so I wanted to talk to 'em before they had to go. I hopped online, and they weren't here. So, I wrote 'em an email. Then watched TV...then got back online, thought they were on, but it ended up not being them, just someone else using their sn. So, then, I signed off and went to bed. lol THE END!!!

11/20/02 It seems that I'd have to chase my father down like a dog just to get to talk to him today. We keep missing each other. Now I realize how important it is to call someone at the same time every day. We usually try to talk every day, but...sometimes it gets to the point where I call him 3 or 4 times, trying to return a call, and he had called me about the same number of times, and...I'm just either online, or on the phone, in the shower, running after the sibs...all kinds of crap. I won't be able to talk to him tomorrow, because I'll be in Enola at my great grandmother's funeral. ((She was only about one month away from her 100th birthday...and she wanted to turn 100 so badly...but, she knew near the end that she wasn't going to make it, and she accepted that. She had a heart attack. She was very sickly in these past few years, so...at least she's not in pain now. ::sigh:: It's just odd...I really thought that she'd make it to 100...I guess that was her last earthly disappointment. Life is really disappointing...almost all of the time with almost everything. And...I'm not being a pessimist...you just count how many things actually go the way that you want them to...even if you do have a good attitude about them...just you wait and see....

11/19/02 Have a lot to do today...I have to send some poems to Laura. She said that she wanted to see them the last time that she wrote to me, but when I wrote back, I forgot about copying my originals for her until after the envelope was sealed. So, instead of wasting an envelope, I just decided that I'd send them when I was good and ready. ...But, anyway. I've really been missing Laura, Craig, and Brandi. Every night, when I have any dreams at all...they always somehow contain one or all of those three people. It's really weird, cause one time I had this dream that Craig was in this band, and I was chillin' with all of 'em, and Craig was trying to teach me to play his guitar. lol Another time, I was talking to Brandi about problems that she was having, or something. Another time was when I was talking to Laura about my problems, and her life. Sometimes I wish that they would move back, or maybe I should move out there. Pittsburgh is a nice area. I was really comfortable in that area all of the times that I've been there. It's also kind of like my family's "home land". My grandpa Williams' father and mother came to America from Ireland, and when they got here, they settled in Pittsburgh. Of course, on my dad's side, there's my pappy Pritz. His grandfather came to America from Germany, and settled in York. So...if I'm going to pick a place to live, based on that...I'm a little torn. Anywhoo...this is getting boring. lol Until tomorrow...

11/18/02 I cleaned today. The whole house, top to bottom. Shannon wasn't over today. I did get a lot done though. There's still some things to do though. putting everyone's laundry away, dusting, mop the floors...I think that's about it...besides giving the sibs dinner, a bath, and a bed time story. Didn't really feel like working on the site today.

11/17/02 Shannon spent the night last night. It was fun. We watched Fight Club, and Chris Rock :D She had never seen Fight Club...shame on her! lol Anyway, it was a jolly good time. The scotch was a bit too strong to drink much of. So, next time, we'll have to make sure that we have something a little weaker...like paint thinner. lololol She said something about that ..."If I were to think about what paint thinner tasted like...that would be it." heh. And (I have to mention this one) About 10 minutes after she got here, we were chillin' in my room, and I said "Is it too early to get wasted?" lol After I said it, I realized how it sounded... and we both lost it. Like I said, we had a good time. heh. So then, we watched some TV, and got wasted. Put Fight Club in...got more wasted, and a little more wasted. Put in the Chris Rock DID, was going to get more wasted...but, decided not to (need to save some green for next week). So...that's the end. Have a nice day. Heh. :D

11/16/02 I guess Steve was right...things do get better eventually, everything is a test, and so on. My dad told me that too...on the same day as Steve, actually. Most likely because all I was doing that day was moping. I think it's because I hold my emotions in all the time (when I'm anything but happy) so I don�t' end up making other people feel sorry for me. I don't like to be that way. When I am though, it gets to the point where I'm just ready to give up on everything. Last night, I felt so horrible. Well...yesterday too. I know it was my birthday, but it seemed like something that wasn't anywhere near being a birthday. My dad called, and said happy birthday. We talked for a little bit, and then he had to go. Later, Trina called, and left a message, saying happy birthday. There was one really important person that said that they were going to call, but they didn't. I really wanted to talk to them...mostly because they always cheer me up, but I guess they were busy. Oh, and...my mom didn't even realize that it was my birthday until right before she left for work. By that time, I already knew that she had forgot. She looks at the calendar every day, to see if my sister has show and tell, or a color day...that's when she realized it. Two of my other friends said happy birthday right after I told them that it was in a day or so...meaning that they get credit. lol So, in conclusion, I was told happy birthday by 7 people. No birthday cards of any sort as of yet, no party...no presents. Which, kind of depresses me, because...for the past 4 years, all of my birthdays have been really crappy, so I was hoping that maybe this one would be different. ::sigh:: Someone's 18th birthday is supposed to be this big thing. If not 18th, then 16th, or 13th...but, none of those were really made a big deal out of by anyone either. I've only ever had two birthday parties. The first was when I was about...9 or 10. That was a lot of fun. Then, when I was 12, I had a really small party. It was alright, but it wasn't anything great. ::blah:: At least my dad tried though. I don't think that he ever thrown a birthday party before that. What was cool about that one though, is that he actually got me something that I really wanted, and I wasn't really hinting toward. That told me that he was really paying attention to what I was saying, before it was time for him to "hunt for clues" as to what I wanted. My mom... on the other hand...is trying to make up for the fact that my birthday sucked, which...it is nice of her, and I do appreciate it. But...I know that she doesn't want to do anything for my birthday...or she would have remembered. She remembered Kimberly's birthday perfectly fine. She spent 200.00 just on her party, and another 100 on presents. I hate being the oldest. When I was little...mom and I were poor...I mean...like dirt poor. Now though, she has a great job, and my sibs get everything they want...and now that I make my own money, mom refuses to spend anything on me. And now that I'm 18, she wants me to pay rent, groceries, and all this other ungodly hoo-ha. : / I really don't feel like it's fair, and I feel like I'm being singled out just because I can be. I mean, I don�t mean to sound greedy...but, isn't that a little unfair? Maybe I am greedy...I don�t know. I took a quiz from a magazine yesterday, and it said that I'm a very giving person, and I should make less sacrifices, and this and that. Which...who knows. It was just a magazine quiz.

11/15/02 Just as I had suspected...it seems that no one remembers, or cares that it's my birthday. Maybe I shouldn't care either. I mean...it is just another day, right? I have to work today, and the weekend. My sister just found a sewing needle...maybe I should jam it into my eye. : / My mom wouldn't even take me to the fucking bank today. ...THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING BANK! It's not like she had to pay for an actual gift. I just wanted to go to my bank, so I can deposit some money....bitch No one got me anything (not even a card, or something pointless.) But...I do have to mention that my brother and sister, when they heard that it was my birthday...went running to their rooms to draw me a picture. lol They're sweet kids. Well...If I'm ever more alone than I feel right about now...I guess, at least I'll have them.

11/14/02 Talked to a few friends today, and thought about some things. Life sucks. Tomorrow is my birthday...and I really don't think that anyone cares. I'm really sad, and pissed off. Life really seems like a waste lately. :*(

11/13/02 I fixed the site, and cleaned the house. That's about it. : /

11/12/02 Today was pretty good. I can't complain. I cleaned the bathroom...well, that one, I can complain about. lol I got my checks today though. :) I got to talk to a friend of mine for a while, and that was good. Hmm...I think that's about it for today. Look for the link to PicoArt.com, coming soon to the links section.

11/11/02 I spent most of my day cleaning, and the other half working on this. I found a great site today, which has a crap load of useful info on it. That is, if you're making a site. I'll link it later. ((echoecho.com)) There's really not anything to talk about today. Just boring things. I'm really considering Trina's thoughts on moving. I mean, do I really have that much of a reason to stay in PA? Why not move to CA? I'm not too sure of how I'm going to get all of my stuff there, but I'm thinking maybe a large veal would work. Trina's stuff got to PA by way of a huge ass truck. That was when she moved here, not when she was here on vacation. The larger trucks that they have out now, that have an extended cab, and 3 doors, and whatnot...those are nice. I could get one of those, instead of a car, and just load up all of my crap, and...drive to CA. The fact of the matter though is that I won't be able to get a vehicle until February. Unless I don�t take my mom's offer (when she gets her income tax returns, she will buy me a car, and then I can pay her back for half of it in payments of 25.00 per week) I really want to take that offer. I think it's pretty good, and I'm not sure that I want to pass it up. But...I'm not sure that I can stand living here anymore. I've never felt "right" anywhere. Right as in feeling comfortable, or welcome. I've always felt out of place. Maybe CA will give me a better feeling. Not that the fact that I live in PA makes me feel unwelcome...it's the people that I've lived with/visited in PA. I was thinking earlier that I really miss my aunt and my cousin. Maybe I should move to Pittsburgh. It's nice there. I don�t know yet. I feel like I'm too young to decide where I want to relocate to. It's confusing, and I'm not sure that after I get somewhere if I'll actually like it. That's a big thing, I don't want to take it like it's not. I guess I'll just think about it more. ::sigh::

11/10/02 Ok, things seem to be going pretty smoothly on here. I was really ready to give up when I messed up about 12 different codes, while trying to add other things, and not really paying attention. Now those are all fixed. :) The leaves outside my window are so...yellow. lol They're pretty though. I remember last year, there were two birds that lived in that tree. I'd watch them all the time. I think that they were mates, just by the way that they acted toward each other. They kind of reminded me of my grandparents. lol Anyway, today has been pretty good. I've been working on this basically since I got up, and had my first cup of coffee. I wish that I had some more ideas for what I could do on here. I do know that eventually, I want to get some of my writing up, and maybe work on a very small scale art site at picturetrail. Possibly have some personal pics up there too. I was thinking yesterday that I want to do a Recommended Media section. Movies, books, bands, and so on. I think people would enjoy it. Drop me a line in the guest book, and tell me what you would think.

11/9/02 Today, I'm getting the Blog put in here. It was at Diary land for a brief period, but I wanted all of my stuff to be at one place. I really did like Diaryland though, so I will be sure to link them when I'm finished with the other things which are already on my list. I've decided that instead of publishing my old Blog entries on this site, that I would just start new. If you'd like to see the old entries, check for the link located in the Links section, in the scroll box.

11/8/02 Welcome to Kelly's patented Blog In A Box... which isn't really patented at all, but you get the point. Anyway, read it...it's semi- amusing! :D Just a little experiment with a text box. Pretty, huh? lol Within the next 48 hours, this box will contain the contents of my blog, which was previously hosted on Blogger. Blogger sucks. That is why I'm not linking them (they really blow, seriously! :P HAHAHA!) Ok...acting like adults now...my blog will be here soon, so...there's the beef.

10/9/2002 Thought: Diaryland, and they will come hehe...now I remember why I liked it here... ;) Comments: this sniper...they're saying that he left a little something behind...a tarot card. the death card, with the sentence "I am god" written on the back (it's just occurred to me that I know too many people that say that... :O I�m sure it's just to be funny though. anyway...) if this guy really knew anything about the tarot...he would realize that the death card does not mean death...it means the death of a situation, a relationship, etc.. anything but the physical death of something living. so...if he does already know this...what point is he trying to prove? maybe the end of the little bit of security that people were feeling after 911, and after the anniversary, 912? (though, I know that nothing happened on 912, but a lot of people were quite apprehensive about it) I don't know...whoever this guy is (or guys)...he's either not too smart, or he's very smart, but mostly misunderstood...no one is going to understand the tarot card statement, because it has more than one meaning, and they would both make sense as some kind of "scare tactic". hmm..quite interesting. :) (not smiling because of the sniper, but, smiling because now I�m sure that my brain still works...heheheahhaha! lol ) talk to y'all later! :D Thought: Blogger Sucks! ok, here's the beef...don't use blogger...ok? it's trash. it tells me to come back in a few minutes because they are having technical issues. so, I go back the next day...still not up. screw them. I used to use diaryland a while back, but then, I lost track of it. I was really happy with it though, so once I remembered what it was called...I came back. so...I have to re-post all of the things that used to be on blogger...that's about 3 months worth of crap...or more. I don't know. anyway...I�m going to put it all on here...I will guarantee that this will be the longest entry that I�ll ever make...heh...so, here goes!

9/26/2002 it's been a good while, huh? well...my phone got shut off, so...gah. whatever. and it was off for a while ,causing mom refused to pay her part of the bill. I wasn't planning on blogging anymore...but, I tried talking to real people, and it's just not happening for me right now. I mean, I went to AOL hometown, and I scoped a few pages. I found this really kewl person (or so I thought) I immed 'em, and they wouldn't talk to me. so I was like...ok, bye! humbug. :P "I never thought that hell would be catered!"~Dharma from Dharma and Greg...some new show on fox. I just asked matt if he is busty...he says "I wish!" I feel like such a loser right now. I mean...it's not like I�m "oh woa is me, I�m single" but...I want to be in a relationship so bad right now...I want someone to love...ya know? I used to have really good plutonic relationships with my male friends...but, now all of them are all like "hey, guess what, I met someone" or "I haven't met anyone, but I don't want you either"...thy don�t' say that exactly...just the vibe I get, really. and the others are like "I really care about this chick, but she hates me, and no one else cares, and I�m blind" dar... :P but...whatever...here's to all of my male friends that I love dearly...as friends, nothing more...because when I gave it thought earlier...none of my male friends are right for me. I mean...yes, they are an awesome bunch of guys...and yes...they're all lookers... ;) but...personality clashes are...horrible. lol...and of course...I mean...ick. lol I can't imagine dating a good friend of mine. I have before, and it seemed ok...lol but, I mean...I�ve really given it good thought. of course...there is at least 1 of my male friends that I wouldn't mind having a relationship with...though I know it would most likely end it heartbreak, suffering, and the whatnots...but...my god...I could just go into convulsions looking at his picture...no joke. lol and...we get along very well...but sometimes I think he's a real...I don't know really...he's just got probs that he doesn't want to admit to...well...he will admit to 'em, he just doesn't want to like...take care of 'em...solve 'em, and whatever. I think that his major problem is self pity. but...it's ok. I like to talk to him a lot. he's really interesting, and he's always telling' me about these people he knows, and the stupid shit they do. but...there's this other guy too...it's like ...beyond a friends thing...I don't know..it's complicated, and no one understands it but us...and it's fucked, and we know it...but...damnit...and on a completely different note... besides being ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS, with this perfect thick, dark hair, and these....oh lord...he's got these brown eyes...and his face is just the most precious thing I�ve ever seen in my life. oo...and his lips...I don't know what it is about his lips...but...oh boy...and he's got really broad shoulders...who doesn't love a good set of manly shoulders? lol and he's just...perfect, ya know (perfect as in if I were judging in a completely shallow way...which...even though this guy is like...sexy beyond words..i don�t know...like...I can't just rate people on that...I�ll be going against everything that I stand for. intellectual connection, and whatnot. but, as far as I can tell...we're like....perfect for each other...I think that, anyway. but...like...complications make things hard. like...I nag way too much...what guy wants a naggy bitch all nagging' on him all the time. I really wish that I could stop doing' that. > .< RAR!! I just need to like...not worry? lolololol no, seriously...I�m asking...LOLOLOL no...joking. but, anywhoo...I don't want to be with anyone but this last guy that I mentioned...cause...he's mine, and it just feels like it would be so right. and I�ve given it so much thought, and we've been through so much...and...damnit! the next time that our chance comes back...I�m not going to mess it up. I won't lose him again, and I refuse it. I will do anything that I have to, in order to keep him around. I love him so much...and every day that I can't talk to him it's like my heart is dying...and...fuck...I�m crazy about him...DAMNIT ...Gilmore girls is a good show.

9/26/2002 it's been a good while, huh? well...my phone got shut off, so...gah. whatever. and it was off for a while, because mom refused to pay her part of the bill. I wasn't planning on blogging anymore...but, I tried talking to real people, and it's just not happening for me right now. I mean, I went to AOL hometown, and I scoped a few pages. I found this really kewl person (or so I thought) I immed 'em, and they wouldn't talk to me. so I was like...ok, bye! humbug. :P "I never thought that hell would be catered!"~Dharma from Dharma and Greg...some new show on fox. I just asked matt if he is busty...he says "I wish!" I feel like such a loser right now. I mean...it's not like I�m "oh woa is me, I�m single" but...I want to be in a relationship so bad right now...I want someone to love...ya know? I used to have really good plutonic relationships with my male friends...but, now all of them are all like "hey, guess what, I met someone" or "I haven't met anyone, but I don't want you either"...thy don�t' say that exactly...just the vibe I get, really. and the others are like "I really care about this chick, but she hates me, and no one else cares, and I�m blind" dar... :P but...whatever...here's to all of my male friends that I love dearly...as friends, nothing more...because when I gave it thought earlier...none of my male friends are right for me. I mean...yes, they are an awesome bunch of guys...and yes...they're all lookers... ;) but...personality clashes are...horrible. lol...and of course...I mean...ick. lol I can't imagine dating a good friend of mine. I have before, and it seemed ok...lol but, I mean...I�ve really given it good thought. of course...there is at least 1 of my male friends that I wouldn't mind having a relationship with...though I know it would most likely end it heartbreak, suffering, and the whatnots...but...my god...I could just go into convulsions looking at his picture...no joke. lol and...we get along very well...but sometimes I think he's a real...I don't know really...he's just got probs that he doesn't want to admit to...well...he will admit to 'em, he just doesn't want to like...take care of 'em...solve 'em, and whatever. I think that his major problem is self pity. but...it's ok. I like to talk to him a lot. he's really interesting, and he's always telling' me about these people he knows, and the stupid shit they do. but...there's this other guy too...it's like ...beyond a friends thing...I don't know..it's complicated, and no one understands it but us...and it's fucked, and we know it...but...damnit...and on a completely different note... besides being ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS, with this perfect thick, dark hair, and these....oh lord...he's got these brown eyes...and his face is just the most precious thing I�ve ever seen in my life. oo...and his lips...I don't know what it is about his lips...but...oh boy...and he's got really broad shoulders...who doesn't love a good set of manly shoulders? lol and he's just...perfect, ya know (perfect as in if I were judging in a completely shallow way...which...even though this guy is like...sexy beyond words..i dunno...like...I can't just rate people on that...I�ll be going against everything that I stand for. intellectual connection, and whatnot. but, as far as I can tell...we're like....perfect for each other...I think that, anyway. but...like...complications make things hard. like...I nag way too much...what guy wants a naggy bitch all nagging' on him all the time. I really wish that I could stop doing' that. > .< RAR!! I just need to like...not worry? lolololol no, seriously...I�m asking...LOLOLOL no...joking. but, anywhoo...I don't want to be with anyone but this last guy that I mentioned...cause...he's mine, and it just feels like it would be so right. and I�ve given it so much thought, and we've been through so much...and...damnit! the next time that our chance comes back...I�m not going to mess it up. I won't lose him again, and I refuse it. I will do anything that I have to, in order to keep him around. I love him so much...and every day that I can't talk to him it's like my heart is dying...and...fuck...I�m crazy about him...DAMNIT ...Gilmore girls is a good show.

7/23/02 i've been talkin' to shannon alot lately. we've been spending alot of time together. it's great, cause there's no one else around here to chill with, 'cept amy and derek...and...i just need a variety. but, she comes over every day (almost) at first, we were running every day...but, that soon got quite old. so, then we just started listening to music, and chillin' outside. now we listen to music, chill inside, and play cards, shoot the shit, and whatnot. heh. i was tellin' her last night online how grateful i was for all those links she sent me. they really helped with the stuff i'm trying to accomplish right now. i feel like i'm ignoring my religion, and it's bothering me...so, i decided to dig deeper into it than i have been before. i really want to do more with my tarot cards, and maybe get some time in with the ouija board. possibly learn how to use some different forms of divination. runes, i beleive will be my next venture. but...before i dig so deep....i need protection from any kind of spirits that are of a bad influence...and i never really thought about it before...but i should be wearing a pentagram (right side up, not upside down...i'm not a satanist, quite the contrary, actually) neopaganism is a form of paganism, and is tied pretty close with wicca, though...it's not quite. i reccomend that if you're curious about neopaganism...go read about it....m'kay? lol you'll prolly find some pretty good articals on it if you search on google.com (my favorite search engine) :) and search for "neopagan faq" you're sure to dig up something or other. well...i think that's all i have to say for now...cha cha chapstick!

7/20/2002 Drink your Gin and Tonica...and smoke your Marijuanica...Adam Sandler....what a great mind, huh? ;) let's see here....wow...a lot has happened within the past few days. Trina is here!! :) (seems like we planned for like 20 years) of course, my plans kind of caved in...but...it's alright. at least I�ve got my best friend here...huh? when she first got here...I wasn't expecting her right then...but all day I was antsy...like...ok, she'll be here in 12 hours...WOO!! lol when it hit 7pm, I called pappy, just to make sure that he was still going to pick her up at the bus station. well, he wouldn't answer his cell, so I got scared, and thought that she's be stuck in a really bad part of York with all her shit, and not have a ride here, and have to wait eons for the cab to actually get there, and then have to ride all that way with a whacko cabbie, and then have to pay all of that money, ya know? anyway, I was upstairs when she got here, and I heard something downstairs...so I kind of peeked down, and she came to the steps, and she was like "Kelly?" I was like "AHHH! TRINA!!!" lol and then she told me about the dumbass airport losing her luggage, and she only had one damn piece. lol it's a giant bag, and they fucking lost it!! i couldn't even beleive it. and all they gave her to survive on ....a little pouch...with the essentials in it...that's it. i couldn't beleive that. i'm never gonna fly. RRRR i was so pissed about that...i think more than she was. lol. let's see...after that, we chilled outside, i had bought a whole bunch of shit at the dollar store, and the grocery store...cause i knew that we wouldn't have a car, or anything, so i thought that i might be able to pick up a few things that would help us have somekind of fun. so i got alot of camping stuff...and bingo...lmfao! but, anyway....we set up the camping stuff, and we chilled out there. we had booze and smoke with us...and we smoked a lil...and then jon and dion came down. amy said today that they were both trashed, and when they came down, dion asked if he could bum a smoke, i told him no, cause i was broke...which, i wasn't...but, i said that i just spent the last of my pay on the smoke that i bought from gene, through jon. sooo...as we continue...jon is actin' like an ass, and dion is wanting to spark a bowl...well, actually, i asked them if they wanted to smoke with us. of course, they accepted. so, jon pulled some out...which i was just gonna let them smoke some of the shit that i bought for trina and i...but since jon offered some up, i was like...well, that's kewl. so we sparked that....and then soon after, they went up. that was alright i guess. trina and i just sat by the fire for a while, and we had eaten and all...i had made dinner earlier...some kickass chicken, and i had it planned that we'd warm it up over the fire. well...i thought that it had been on for a while, but it wasn't...so, it was still cold. but, we ate it anyway, cause it was good cold...hell...it was already cooked thoroughly anyway. let's see....after all of that...we cleaned up, and everything, and eventually, we went to bed. she was really tired, cause, she did come here from cali...and that's an exhausting thing, i would beleive. let's see...the next day we stayed home and vegged and slept...that was fun. lol. let's see...nothing really big happened that day, but it was still kewl. :D oh, i made like ...this kickass chicken junk. lol it was like...chicken cordon bleau...but, it had american cheese and turkey ham. it kicked ass! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D let's see...the next day, we went to the gallaria...which was quite an outing, condsidering the fact that we had no way to get there at first....so...we ...being the resourceful little chicas' that we are ;) called a cab (after quite a bit of debate on the thought, and who would be responsible for making the calls.) lol...we're dorks....it was like "no trina...you call" no kelly...you have to call!" it was funny as hell. lol we were there from about 7pm until 9 when they closed. we went to just about every store in the mall, and bought just about one thing from each store. lol it was kickass. let's see here.....the first cabbie we had.....i was scared of taking a cab...but...you know ....i ended up knowin' the guy,and it was so fucked up! i was like "holy shit, i know you!!!!" it was one of my pap's business partners from way back when he owned all of the porno stores. Lol

7/13/2002 haven't blogged for a while...wow...it's been a long time. been kinda busy, and a tad stressed...but...now i'm good. :) i had this crazy dream the the other night about trina. she had gotten here, and we were on our vacation...and we were so bored, and miserable. and then, it seemed like it only lasted a minute, and she left. : / i think that the reason i had that dream is because of the fact that i fear that our vacation is going to blow, and it will be all my fault, cause i couldn't save up enough money to get a car. i know that won't happen. i know that we will have a great time...but...it's just that i'm kind of embarassed that i couldn't save up the money. though, i know that it wasn't really my fault. i wasn't expecting to have to pay mom back for all the smokes that she bought for me while i didnt' have the money because of payin' off my truancy fines. but, i just feel like shit deep down...cause now we aren't going to be able to do all of the awesome things that we had planned. we have to scale it down, because we're gonna be using mom's car. i can't wait to see trina though. :) it's been so long...she left in the beginning of november (near my b day...::cries::) but...i know that she had to go, and why, and all that soo...gah. lol i need to do some laundry today, and wash the floors...shit. : / but, it's alright, cause these diet pills have major caffein...yummy. lol

7/7/2002 let's see here...mom's birthday (july 4th) was a real bust. we were supposed to get hammered...well, when it's july 4th, none of the state stores are open (state stores in pa=liqour stores in other states our liqour stores are run by the state...so, if you're ever in pa, and you ask someone what they do for a living...they could say that they work for the state....and they could just be a simple "booze jockey" anywhoo...we went to one of them that was in york...of course, it wasn't open. ::DAH!:: before that, we had lunch at wendy's. we saw my cousin josh there. he waved, but it was too late, and we didnt' get a chance to wave back. let's see now...what else...oh, ok...so, we had lunch, and ran out to york. i asked mom on the way if we could stop at skin scripts...just to see if they were open...and maybe i could have gotten my tongue re-peirced. she said that was out of the way, and she didn't want to. it was way too hot to do anything. so, we ran into york...and the liqour was a no-go. so, we went home through manchester. i figured that maybe the beer distributer would be open...but...mom, being the ditz that she can be...passed it. so, we went home. she made a big dinner that night, and while she was cooking, i proceeded to get into the assorted alchohol that we've got in the house. drank the rest of the raspberry scnapps. that was good. :) i made her taste it (in diet pepsi) and she was like "make me one!!!" so, i went to give her mine, and i said "this was the last of the raspberry stuff, you can have mine" she got all snotty with me, and said no. so i was like...ya know what? FINE i'll drink it...happy fucking birthday. : P so, the next day, craig was supposed to come over. he really offended me. he told me that he was going to spend a week up at my house...but, as it ends up...he just wanted to come over so his friends could come over. i told him that i'd have to ask mom first. so, i did. and she said no. whatever. if he thinks that his friends are more important....fine. it just hurts...cause i spent a long time trying to get our friendship where it used to be when we were little kids...and i finally got it back...and to better...and then he moves to pittsburgh. what the hell, ya know? anyway....later that day....i called my dad. and we were talkin' for a while. he had a 4th of july get together at his place...and he didn't invite me...what the hell is this? Diss Kelly Week!!?!?!?!?!?? anyway, he also told me that my great grandma died. she was 98....he said that he tried to call on wednesday...but he couldn't get through. now...that internet answering machine works when everyone else calls....why doesn't it work for him?? anyway, we had plans to go get my tongue re-peirced that day. mom agreed, and we were gonna go around 5 (when little john, the tattoo dude got back to the shop from taking his wife to the doctor's) so, we were gettin' ready...and i decided that i didn't really want to get it done again. and i decided that it would make more sense just to get an air conditioner for my room. so, i asked mom. she says no, it won't fit in the car. you give me money, and i'll go get it for ya. BULL-SHIT! so, after expressing the fact that i wasn't really down with that, she said for me to call my dad. so, that's what i did. he had told me to call him back earlier...but, i hardly ever do. lol so, i called, and he was takin' a nap...and i asked him about runnin' me out to wal-mart to get the air conditioner, and he said that he'd have to take a nap first, and then he'd call me back. he called back, we went to wal-mart. i got my air conditioner, and a fitted sheet for my bed (and now i know that my bed isn't a king, it's a queen, but that's alright...cause that new sheet is a little too big...it doesn't come off through the night...i toss and turn...like...a salad. lol anyway i got a pair of sunglasses too...but, after wal-mart, dad insisted on takin' me over to his house for a bit. he had some smoke, and we smoked some, and i got all stupid, and i left my sunglasses there. lol after that, we came back to my place, and he carried my ac up to my room for me. but he told me that i would be able to put it in by myself. so then, we came outside. everyone was out there, and dad talked to amy for a while, and to me and mom. alysha played with tink and steven for a bit, and then me and amy went to rutter's, and dad left. that was the end of my excitement for the night. but, the next day (yesterday) was a new beginning. heh. i was woken up around 11, and told to get ready to go over to wendy and junior's. so, i did. and soon after, we left. we got there, and everyone was there, and even some people that i hadn't seen before. me, mom, and the kids got in the pool for a bit. that was fun, but, i was gettin' bored with that, and the pool was gettin' crowded, so i got out. before i did...i saw these 2 teenage guys walk in...one of them looked identical to my ex...and i was like...no fucking way! it wasn't him...i could tell, cause john was taller, and thinner, but..this kid...he came really close. there were times when i'd just have to look at him for a few seconds and be like..."woa" that got me to thinkin' about john, and i got a little mopey, but...i decided just to ignore the guy, and occupy myself with other things. i went inside to get dressed, then we ate, and then i was bored again. so, i couldn't help but look at this guy. it really made my heart sink. :( but then, i saw a bottle of captain morgan...and mom and i broke into that. hehehehe. after a few drinks, i was happy. :D and they were playin' and justice for all by metallica...so, there was good music, and all. and i got pretty damn trashed. hehehe. after the bottle of cherry puckers came past me about 3 times, there was this dude. the one that i saw for the first time a few weeks ago that looks like an older version of the guy i'm with now. this dude...he comes over to where i'm sitting...and i was bored, so, i was reading the captain morgan lable, and he takes the bottle out of my hand, and says "you're too young to be reading that" i said "no i'm not, i already drank about half of it!" so, he opens the bottle, and pours more of it into my cup. (meanwhile, getting some on the table) so, i drank what was in my cup. then, a little later, he comes back, and he's tellin' me about hhis brother, and how he's a pro skater, and he'll be in the x games again, and he has this skate park, and stuff. and i was like...okie dokie. (( sk8park.org ))and then he's sayin' to my mom "do you know who i am?" she says "you're jamie" and he says "you're gonna be callin' wendy tomorrow, asking who i am, "who's that guy that violated my daughter?"" i just lost it. lol i was just thinkin'..umm...'scuse me?@?!?!?!!?!? WTF!!! loli couldn't beleive that shit. then, he came back over to the table a little later, and he was all tryin' to talk to me about my eyebrow, and why don't i have my nose peirced, and my tongue, and all this and that. and i was talkin' to him about all that...and soon after, i said to mom "why dont' we leave before it starts to get too dark out...cause she had some to drink too. and she was like...wow, what a good idea. lol so, we left, and then, when we got home, amy, jon, dion, and dion's g/f were up on amy's deck, drinkin' and smokin' and whatnot. listenin' to music, and i said to amy that i just got back from that party. and she asked how it went and all, and i was tellin' her. and she said that i could come up if i wanted to. so, i did that. and we were out on the porch, settin' off foreworks, and whatnot.' that was fun. and i had a beer, and amy insisted on making food for everyone, so i had a burger. and we shot the shit for a while, and it was gettin' dark. ah, it was fun. ended up goin' home a little later. i was trashed. i ended up goin' to my room, then goin' to get something to drink, and when i got back to my room, i just layed on my bed, kinda comatose, but not. heh. i had a good 4th of july, all in all (with everything combined, that is) :) cha!

6/27/2002 a convo that i had with "a regular guy" (as he wishes to be referred to as) IMPORTANT!!!: if you have just eaten, or you are easily grossed out...for the love of GOD...do NOT read this! lol P: my shit is a lighter color than my pee and of a more liquid texture...but yes sorta is beter than none lol K: my god...did you go to the doctor yet? or make any attempt to find a ride to the emergency? P: no P: im ok tho P: ive just been on all water xcept for one piece of bread diet P: im actualy feeling alot better i havent thrown up in a day P: so thats cool K: wow K: glad you're feelin' a little better at least. :) P: you know this pee shitin isnt bad, since its all water no urin i puked all the acids out a while ago lol K: ....that's absolutely fabulous...lol P: P: less i get a tingle in my braun at first i wonder which is goin wahooo K: LMFAO!!! though this is a fantastic subject....lol P: know what may be neat K: what's that? P: i brushed my teeth half an hour ago..think i may even be minty?? K: wow. lol P: we will have to see next time...hmm P: just a short sniff tho...im not that brave K: i don't think i'd even dare sniffin' at that. lol K: lol P: brb K: k P: no scent K: eww...P! that's fuckin' nasty!!! lol P: P: least it doesnt smell K: true...but...what if it had? lol P: then id comment on that K: i don't think i'd want to risk it. lol P: lol P: rr brb K: k P: i hate this K: did you know that we've been talking for almost 30 min? it definately doesn't seem like it's been that long. i bet. P: i mean damn how many times in this 20 min convo?? P: 30 ...hmm K: 3 i beleive P: 4...countin the one before i signed on P: averagin 1 every ten huh ...hmm shall we test the theory hmmm lol P: cinc our watches... K: my god....hope you dont' have to go up steps to get to the bathroom...lol P: startin in 5 4 3 2 ....1 K: lol P: no i dont K: i have to....and it sucks when you are downstairs, and ya really gotta go. lol P: rrk P: that would suck K: ah...yes, it does... P: i have a warnin right now less than that of a 90 yr old man K: in most cases...you either have to run as fasst as you can...or go as slow as possible...lol P: or speed n thumb lololol K: LMFAO!! that could work! P: less it works out like a hose n mearly propels K: yikes. lol P: :::shall we test this....nah K: in that case, i think there would be a need for depends...lol K: don't think so K: lol P: what type of underpants to old folks wear/it depends K: lol P: however i dont think there is enuff absorbancy in those to hold a mother load... P: how do you test this stuff hmmm P: rats first? P: then monkeys?? K: lol...prolly not. wouldn't have the slightest clue. lol... P: or str8 from blue water to granny's ass K: i'd think monkeys would work better. lol K: LMFAO!! P: wonder if this is how the first convo to think these things up went K: quite possible...lol P: ...some grandson sick of moppin 'shit' P: brainstorms with grampa P: lol K: LOL K: i wonder what the depends prototype looked like K: prolly some elastic attached to a few rolls of toilet paper K: lol P: suspender cliped wad....im guessin K: lol...ok! P: i think daddy didies came round same time as the first pad tho K: maybe....i think it was later than that tho P: some mideval guy sick of his wifes ...stench ( pardon) and his grama's leftovers.... lol P: not a post thanksgiving id look forward to lmao K: LOL! P: brb....hmmmm theory was off by 4 min...sigh K: lol k btw...i'm k, he's p***

6/26/2002 i just tried some html code for this pic that i wanted to put on here...that obviously didn't work. oh well. let's see...what happened yesterday? well...i cleaned my room up. and i found a bunch of mad mags to give to a, and a bunch of rolling stones too...and some that i didnt' finish yet. found that solitare book for her too. so, i took those over, and she liked that. told her i'd be back later, but when i did go back, she and m were sleeping, so, i went back home. then, later, i tried again...no such luck. guess they were sleepin' again. :( i'll go over today. s was up yesterday. we listened to some music, and played uno. lol i think were done with the fanatical excersizing. it just sucks. i'm tired of it, and so is she. and i have sunburn and after she gets back from swimming today, i bet she will too. so, neither of us will feel like doin' didly squat. i got sun poisoning. that's why this burn hurts so bad. :( i need to start wearing sunscreen. well...my day yesterday was pretty damn boring. today all i have to do is give the kids a bath, sort laundry, and clean up my stuff that's been sitting downstairs all week. phooey...this day isn't gonna be fun... : / wow...it DID work!!!! i'm an html goddess...LMFAO!

6/25/2002 i really wish that i could keep my other sites up... :( i mean...i have this site, and this is easy to take care of...but, then there's the art site, and the writings site (which didn't even really get a good start. but, the art site was just starting to look fuller, ya know? and now, i have to stop adding things, cause i'm over my limit. i think what i'm gonna do is just send my newest stuff to the people that want it. so, if anyone is interrested in seeing my new art (usually about 1-3 pics a week) then, email me, and i'll mail you the stuff as soon as it's finished. maybe i'll so the same with the writings...well...if anyone wants to see 'em. just email me, link is above for that, btw...which is [email protected] and put in the subject line what you'd like to see. if it's just art, put art, or writings, put writings, and if both...put art and writings. simple, ay? heh. you can give me ideas too, if ya want. i'm always up for something new, and i'll try to do it...give it my best shot, and send it to ya. :) damn...now i'm in a mood to draw something...wrote something thismorning. it's kind of...blah, but...i'm thinking about editing it later. cha for now...oh...p.s, on another note...mom came home last night, and she had bought two new movies. :D kings of comedy, and unbreakable. unbreakable is a great movie, and i loved it the first time i saw it. i told her that yesterday, so, she just goes and buys it. lol watched kings of comedy last night...it wasn't too bad...bernie mac freaks me out. lol his eyes are sooo freaking huge, he looks like the living dead. lol it wasn't as good as i thought it would be...i prefer chris rock...but, those guys are alright. cedric is really funny. steve is ok...dl was pretty funy....all in all it was one of those "alright" movies. well...ttfn

6/24/2002 wow...this weekend was fun. the first day wasn't so much fun, cause mom had to go to grandma's really early in the morning to get a perm (now she looks like a cross between a poodle. and luceille ball) so, i had to get up early to watch the sibs. but, before that, came friday.....:, i went up to amy's for a little while. since the kids were outside, i figured that i could just check on them from amy's door. they were down in the yard playin' with jon and dion. they were gathering sticks out of the yard, and whatnot. dion gave them each a dollar. hehe. that was nice of him. anyway, amy and i were talking for a little while. i accidentally woke michael up...and i swear...i thought she was going to playfully kill me. lol but, of course, she didn't. instead, she gave me a beer, and we headed upstairs to the party room. she has her cousin scotty's bong. really nice. :D the choke is in the front, and it has like ....this gripper thing...don't know how to explain it, but he got it from hot topic. hehe. i like little red a little better though. it's easier to get a huge hit out of that one. realized that it was getting dark out, so i should tell the kids to come inside, and then get them dinner, and baths and such. so, we did all that. the rest of that night...understandably...was a little blurry...lol but, here's saturday..... when mom got back...i was "resting my eyes" i wasn't for too long though...i don't think. lol i was in and out of consciousness for about 2 hours...heh. but, i told her that i was only sleeping for about 3 minutes, and she bought it. she wanted to take a nap, and i was like...well...why cant i take a nap first? so, she was like...alright. so, i tried to take a nap...no chance. i was awake, and alert, so, i gave up. told her to go take a nap, so she went to her room. the kids were playin' outside, so i was online, and i'd check on 'em every now and again. later that day, we were supposed to go to wendy and junior's so we could go swimming. but, mom ended up deciding that we weren't going, cause the next day, we were supposed to go to grandma's anyway. so, for the rest of the day, we just vegged out in front of the tv...watchin' some old, crappy movie that had dudly moore, and eddie murphy in it...it really did suck. heh. but, then we ordered dinner from the pizza place. that was alright. after we ate, i was tired, so, i sacked out on the couch, and i took a nap. it was around 2 or 3 at the time. mom woke me up around 6, or so, and told me that her and the kids were going to go up in her room to be in the air conditioning. i was barely cohereant, so...i went back to sleep. i ended up waking around 12 or so...caught some of SNL, and got myself something to drink. came back in the livingroom, and sat down...looked around...and fell back to sleep. lol then, that happened about 5 times, for like...one minute incriments. then, i grabbed my cigs, and lighter, cause i really wanted a smoke, but, i knew i was too tired...so, i figured that i'd just hold 'em until i woke up a little more. well...the next thing i remember was...i had my head between my knees, snoring, and i dropped my cigs and lighter on my foot! that's what woke me up...and then i was good. lol so, i decided to get online for a few, check my mail, and such. well, i was on for a little while, and then i started getting REALLY tired again. so, i shut the comp. off, and all the other stuff, and i went up to my room. i eventually went to sleep, after i got my shaving done...did you know that you can dry shave with babypowder ? no nicks, cuts, or whatnot, and no razor burn, either. :) neatness. so, after i did that, i hopped in the shower. and then, after that, i think i went to bed. then. yesterday morning...we all got up, and we went to grandma's, after stopping off at hakes to get a few things. got a vanilla coke...nummy. :D and we made our merry little way over there. well, it was really fun... spent most of the day in the pool, of course. steve gave me one old mad mag, and 2 rolling stones :) we all got sunburned as fuck...i think mine is the worst though. owwie. luckilly, my wonderful aunt loretta told me that i was gettin' really burnt on my back, and she said that i better get out, and get some sunscreen on. so, she put that on for me (i love my aunt loretta. heheheh) but...my back is really...crunchy...lol along with everything else. specially my face, and arms...and you wouldn't beleive how hard it was for me to get a good nights sleep last night. as you can most likely imagine...i didn't sleep that well at all...which really sucks, cause now i've got to stay awake to babysit the kids today...and i doubt that i will be able to. with the help of coffee, i hope that i can make it. ah. well...let's see here... i have alot of laundry to do, but the washer is broke, so i can't really do any right now. that really sucks, but i guess it's alright, cause i really don't feel like doing it anyway, but i'd really like to get it off of my bedroom floor. ah. shit. my room look like hell, ya know? but, i guess that's ok. poo hoo. hehehehe. i really should clean that today, but the good thing is, that shannon isn't coming over today to run, cause she's going to her grandma's to go swimming today...she invited the sibs and i to go along, but i asked mom and she said no. let's see, and because of that, i won't feel obligated to even move today. hehehe dont' have to do dishes either. :D :D :D :D :D :D and, all i have to really do is give the kids food, and give them baths, and watch them, :D yays!!! lol well...so long for now!!! "I wish they would only take me as I am." -Vincent Van Gogh

6/22/2002 there's this site that i stumbeled upon this morning...it's called http://www.tombtown.com it tells you about dead people, basically, and the things that lead to their deaths, and such. anyway, i read about a few people...(i'm really uneducated, and sometimes it bothers me, and since i just didn't like the way that i was being taught, i teach myself some things every now and then, via the internet) there's so much info out there, and i love the fact that i can find anything that i want to know about. anyway, i read about jesse james, bella lugosi, joan of arc, atilla the hun, and the one that really interrested me...albert einstein. it said within the description that during WW1, he used his fame to promote the fact that he beleived in zionism, and pacifism. well...since i like to be aware of what all of the "ism's" are...hehe...i looked up both of them. (thank you, verizon online. lol) pacifism...i get that...i agree...pacifism is good, cause war is bad, and the killing, blood, and guts, all that nastyness...it's not pretty. but...zionism... i mean, when i read that, i was like...holy shit, einstein was a nazi before there even were nazis... :O cause zionism basically means that you want jewish people to go back to where they came from...their homeland, or whatever. but..i don't know...i mean...that doesn't sound like a nice thing to want. unless they want to go...but, i'm sure they don't, cause...i mean...their homeland is kinda like...not peaceful, and stuff...cause of the other people fighting with them over that land, and whatnots. but, i guess some jewish people would be so devoted to who they are, and where they come from, that they would want to return, no matter what. i can understand that. it would be like a pilgrimage...ya, one of those...prolly like a religious thing. ah...i'm not jewish, but, from what i read...the jewish people that think that zionism is racism, those are the orthodox...or...err...i can't remember the facts. but...i found that to be quite interresting. this is one that i'd really like to have some feedback on. :D

6/21/2002 well howdy doo, my adoring public! MUAHAHAHA! anyway, i'm in a great mood today, things are going great with this, that and the other. lol. there were problems the other day with that, but now that is fine, and so is this and the other! HEHEHEHE let's see here...i just mopped the floor...the dining room floor that is. lol did the kitchen floor the other day. i like this brite one step stuff. mom makes me only use it on the wood floors...and there's this mr clean clean breeze, red garbage to use on the other floors...but..on the back of the brite bottle, it says that it's not for wood floors...queer. okie doke...let's see here...i have nothing else to talk about...oh smells.

6/17/2002 as i sign on to blog....i see the phrase "happy monday" WHAT THE HELL? no monday is happy..who likes mondays!?!?!? and what perky asshole came up with the thought to acutally put those two words together, if the phrase "it's never a" in front of it!?!?!? GAH!! anywhoo...i'll go on to explain my day...though, it's taking me forever to blog this..cause i'm not typing all that well...luckilly, i've been catching my mistakes. you wanna see some that i wont' correct, just to let you know, how fucked up i am right now....here you go.....i am so cucked right now, i dan't even tipe i should like i can't talk right at all. i can't speel any thing over three letters really. there is a hair vclig under the computer screem. and my address buuk too. there and evlis sc right ther alos...and a microphone. there's a pl over there to the left.............that's the end of that. for an example. which, the lamp is on the right, not the left. my back hurts. ack... :( the other day, i heard the song "this one goes out to the one i love" by r.e.m. exellent song...but, this time, i loved it even more...i'll post the lyrics. anyone smart, and that knows me personally, can see how they are applying to my life right now.... This one goes out to the one I love This one goes out to the one I've left behind A simple prop to occupy my time This one goes out to the one I love Fire (s(he's)) comin' down on her/his own, now) This one goes out to the one I love This one goes out to the one I've left behind Another prop has occupied my time This one goes out to the one I love my interpretation, you ask? ok! ;) (present) this song explains things about the one that i love now this song also explains things about the one that i used to love the one that i used to love, was just someone to occupy my time but, more important than all of that, is the one i love, and why this explains things about that (past tense) when in love, sometimes you get burned. the one that i used to love decided that he wasn't so happy anymore, for no apparent reason this is what i don't want to happen to the person that i love now also to the one that i used to love, because that was uncalled for but i should have spoken up about things bein' shitty, and i should have left first, because i guess i just didn't care as much as i thought i did but things aren't like that with the person that i love now ...see? told ya...heh ;) let's see...i think that i was goin' to explain my day today...but, i dont' think that i've got the time. have to be in bed by 3. so...eh...it's 2:30 right now.... GAH! well, i guess i'll have something lengthly for tomorrow too, aye? these are a few of my favorite quotes...got 'em in my email today. i'll start puttin' up all the ones that i really like. i'll put them in number order from best to ok... "Everything to excess. Moderation is for monks." ~Lazarus Long "I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it." ~Ashleigh Brilliant "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." ~Albert Einstein "To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk." ~Thomas Edison "It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper." ~Rod Serling "If the human mind were simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it." ~Pat Bahn "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." ~Winston Churchill "Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing." ~Wernher von Braun "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." ~Mark Twain "Only a mediocre man is always at his best." ~W. Somerset Maugham well, that's the end of that. i was so wasted last night that my vision was all screwed up, and stuff...and it was really hard to see things. lol but, in the morning is usually when my eyes are really blurry. i was gonna take out my contacts thismorning, cause i couldn't even see through the cloudyness. lol. but, i decided to use some eyedrops first. so, that cleared it up amazingly. :D thismorning, i was supposed to get up early to talk to someone, but i just couldn't wake up. i went to bed around 4am...so, i was beat. and also because of all of the things that happened yesterday. i was physically tired, cause i was swimming over at wendy and junior's all day. from about 4pm until 7pm...three hours...wow. i didn't realize how long i was in the pool. heh. i was splashing alana, and throwin' the ball at her. heh. and then dave kept splashin' everyone, so, i started splashing him. lol i grabbed one of the frog things, and squirted him with it. i only had the baby one though, so it doesn't hold as much water as the one that he was squirted me with. lol. wendy was talkin' about karen, and how she's been causing more trouble, and all. then, the thing that she said that really got me was "we could always have her knocked off....we know some people in the mob...they are good conections" i was like...Oooooo------Kaaaaaayyyyy.... :O when we came home, we took the long way...and that was kewl :) we went to kfc for dinner, and brought that home. their popcorn chicken is really spicey. the kids hated it. lol let's see...then we got home, and the kids went outside to play after picking at dinner. kimberly came inside and told me that amy told her that she wanted me to come up later that night. so, i told her to tell amy that i would be up. i watched some tv, and got onlline for a bit. then, it was about 9, or so...so, i went to amy's. jon was there...ewww....but, anyway, i was drawin' for a while, cause i took all my junk over. dion was over, and tryin' to make conversation with me...ewww...amy said for me to stay away from him, and i'm happily taking her advice....he's a slime ball. he has a gf, and he cheats on her all the time, and she knows...still won't dump his stupid ass. they even have a kid... : / so, i was drawin' this phat ass pic....and everyone was like "OOOO!!" lol then, jon and dion left to go to the bar (again) they went to the silverlake. she was gonna call and make him come home...and i told her that she shouldn't even bother, cause it would just fuel the fire. they are always fighting. it's horrible. but, we were up in the party room for a while, and then jon got home, and we had a few bong hits with him. dion was there too...and he was like "the best place we could find was falls" FUCKING FALLS!!!!! this place (for those of you who've got no idea what falls is...is like a broom closet, infested with rats, and roaches, and a hotel...consisting of a room or two...it's a bar...and it's definately not a place where anyone would want to go. it's in york haven, which makes it even worse. they were gonna go to potter's...the old potters...which is now the silverlake...which is right in the hole of york haven. AH!!! :X amy had some chocolate thai left....ooo boy...that stuff will fuck your shit up, son! :O no one around here usually has any, so it's pretty steep. but, we smoked off the rest of that, plus some of this other shit that jon had gotten earlier in the week. then, we went downstairs. dion left after we watched the tyson-lewis fight, and then jon started gettin' really beligerant. and i was just thinkin'....holy shit...but, i stayed. and then they had a fight about the air conditioner. amy wanted it off, cause of the baby, and jon was arguing with her. she unplugged it...so, he started throwing shit at her. just little things, but...shit...ya know? and she started throwin' big shit at him...caught him in the head with a wooden coaster, and told him that he better stop before he hits the baby. so, then, he started gettin' ignorant with me! he was like "you better get out" i said "well, if you hadn't just thrown half of my shit across your livingroom, i'd be able to leave sooner" he goes "you aren't supposed to be here right now" i said "okie doke" he goes "no okie doke about it, leave." i said "fine, i'm goin'." didn't want to hang around, so i found my drink, and my smokes, and i was so out of there. heard 'em fightin' for like 15 min after that. didn't know if i should do anything though. i was gonna call the cops...but, i didn't want to get amy in trouble. there are 2 pot plants sitting in her living room, all kinds of weed, bongs, and such upstairs, and if cops would see that, the baby would surely be taken away. she's been talkin' about leaving him...i just hope that she does. cause...this is so bad for her, and not to mention michael. after i got home, i got online, and talked to a few people. which i guess was around...one, maybe that i got on. and then, around 4, went to bed. that's about all for yesterday. quite a bit, huh? oh, something funny about father's day...i told mom that i wasn't gonna call dad and tell him happy father's day. and she said "good" i told her that i was thinkin' lately...and...i came to a conclusion...she said what's that? i said mom...she said yah...i said "happy father's day!" she fuckin' cried!!! she was like..."aww, that was the sweetest thing you've ever said to me" heheh...but, it's true...she's my mother and my father, because my biological one definately isn't any more than a sperm donor. i've got a title for him that someone i knew used to use to describe his dad...."biological asshole" that fits...hehe...so...fuck you, old man! :P

6/15/2002 kelly:the name of the band is jimmy eat world. they're pretty good, huh? mom:jimmy do what? hehe...my mom...she's so hilarious. she wanted to listen to some techno today, so i played some of the stuff i have. she liked tainted love redone by marilyn manson techno remix alot. heh. :) glad she liked it. she likes all of this new music. it's kewl. :) i'm having a good day. i do have to finish cleaning the bathroom..but, that's not really a big deal. heh. i'm taking one of those extra long breaks right now...hehehe let's see...i need to talk to trina...i haven't talked to her for a while...and i don't know what's goin' on or anything, so i'm like....ACK!!! lol heh anyway...i'm gonna go read trina's blog, i think. :)
6/12/2002 PISSED OFF...GAH!....i feel like breaking things as i feel life repeating all the things i worked for crumbeling and defeating add water, i'm dissapointed let the bad times roll

6/10/2002 wow...it's been 5 days since i've blogged. i don't really blog when i'm not feeling mentally well. lol but...that's all over for now. i've got someone special...and when i'm not around 'em...i go crackers...so...there's the explanation for that. hmm...mom gave my kitten away. poor little Rasputin. but...i guess i'll get another one when i move out...if possible. i dont' think i'll name it rasputin though. she was special...though she wasn't here for too long. the people that took her seemed pretty nice. they didnt' keep her name though...they opted to call her "pooper" ...eh...close enough. lol payin' mom back this imaginary debt...this sucks...won't be able to get my car now. FUUUUCCCKKK!!! but...if i go on the day that trina gets here...i should be able to get one...but, i won't have any money left. :( but...ah, such as life. i got my garden claw the other day. it works quite well in dry soil...but, leaves huge clumps in wet soil...and in soil that has alot of clay. but, that's alright. i didnt' expect it to work as well as it does on the weeds. just got to claw the whole area, then rake up the weeds. not too shabby :) ahaha ahahaha...bleed american-jimmy eat world... :D cha

6/5/2002 the night before last...went up to amy's. i hadn't been up there in a while. just been feelin' weird. well, the other night, we were watchin' tv, then we watched "the animal" (good movie... funny as hell) then, we were gonna smoke a bowl...she was gonna make one out of aluminum...i was like NOO!! we'll use my bowl! so, i went to get it...and i have a whole bag of paraphranalia... it's a little book bag. and i brought that over. she just stood there and watched as i pulled all kinds of shit out of there. i got to my box, which has bong/bowl parts and peices, zig zags, q-tips, exacto knives, tweezers, screens, the whole bit...and the bowl. she was like "holy fuck!" it was hilarious. cause, i've seen people with alot more shit than me...i guess they just don't have it all together, or something. i should have put the extender on...that would have freaked her out. lol she was tellin' me what hers was like. ...she had a zeppelin...and i have the parts to make one...lol. but, anywhoo...we went out on the porch...cause we didn't want to wake jon up by goin' upstairs...and you should have seen the hugeass bugs...oh my god. i just about freaked out. seriously. wanna know what's really nasty? the hugest spider was eating the hugest moth. so...needless to say...we went upstairs. lol we were quiet though...or at least i think we were...lol we were talkin' about our art, and stuff...and we decided that i would check out some websites for college art classes...see if i could find lesson plans... assignments, and stuff...so we could do that stuff too...just for fun, of course. we need to plan a day to draw together. that would be fun :) i'm tired of writing now...and as you can tell...i'm not freakin' out like yesterday. i still feel some of those things...but...i'm not lettin' 'em get to me, ya know? well, so long!

6/4/2002 i feel sick...and like shit....here's the explanation. everyone can say i love you, but that doesn't mean shit to me. i don't feel loved by anyone, or anything right now. i hear i love you, but i don't see it. my goddamn cat doesn't even like me. ya know what? fuck the stupid fuckin' cat. fuck everyone. FUCK YOU ALL All of your dreams and hopes have not materialized and consequently you are unsure of which way to go. This uncertainty has led to considerable stress but you have sufficient 'strength of mind' to overcome this state of affairs although it will take some time. The present situation, not of your making, is forcing you to compromise. You will have to hold back and forgo some of your hopes, dreams and aspirations. There is a suppressed anxiety which may be the result of an unsatisfactory or discordant personal relationship. This has led or is leading to unwarranted excess stress and tension. You are angry, uptight and feeling the physical effects of this anxiety. It is essential that you calm down, your physical well-being could be in jeopardy. It would seem that most of your stress is a result of an unsatisfactory relationship. You have tried, or are considering the possibility of trying to restore the love and trust situation - but so far - perhaps to no avail. So the situation is regarded as depressing and this unhappy state continues to aggravate the situation to a point of complete helplessness. You are worn out and lack both physical and mental energy. This lack of vitality has created an intolerance for any further excitement and you feel that you just cannot carry on; but you have been like that many times before and the situation passed. You again need to get away from it all - even if it is only for a little while. A relaxed body cannot contain a destructive emotion and the secret for you is to just relax. You wish to safeguard yourself against criticism or conflict and to embed yourself in a protected situation. You are a difficult person to relate to and very difficult to please.

6/3/2002 Morning after-Linkin park....get it now, punk....

5/29/2002 today is just as boring as all the rest. yesterday really sucked. i fell asleep in the middle of the day...i didn't have anything better to do. i was really tired, and really sad. i missed someone alot...but i couldn't talk to him at the time. unfortunately, he's got a life...lol. ahh...'ish. : / i still miss him. i miss him all the time. i need to find something to do. RaRRrrRRrrr!

5/29/2002 today is just as boring as all the rest. yesterday really sucked. i fell asleep in the middle of the day...i didn't have anything better to do. i was really tired, and really sad. i missed someone alot...but i couldn't talk to him at the time. unfortunately, he's got a life...lol. ahh...'ish. : / i still miss him. i miss him all the time. i need to find something to do. RaRRrrRRrrr!

5/28/2002 i've had one hell of a busy weekend...let me tell ya. we went to wendy and junior's place. i had a pretty good time. it ended up raining, which was alright, cause i like the rain. i had gotten in the pool...that was kewl, except for the fact that tara was there. and i dislike her ever so much. then, today, we went to grandma's. she gave me some yarn...alot of it, actually, and we helped her and steve take the liner off of the pool, and i helped them put the new steps together. i got a little bit of sun today too. which is odd...i never get anything less than a full on sunburn. i never just get a reddish tint like this.usually about three hours after i get the sun, i'll get some blisters...and the peeling and all. ...interresting...lol. we had lunch over there too. we got to see grandma noaker again. she's alot nicer when she's feeling well. i hope that she makes it to 100. she wants that more than anything. she's just got a few more months to go until she's there. :) let's see...oh, pappy steve gave me another mad mad. :) i think it's so kewl of him to save those for me. hehe. oh...doreen has been sending me email...to the new address, which i've already stopped using. but, anyway, she said that it was goin' through...bullshit. i got all of that garbage. i deleted it...but i got it. :P after grandma's, we went to wendy's again. that was great today, cause i actually brought my own suit, and towel. and it really helped that tara wasn't there...found out why today....wendy told me that tara did something that she shouldn't have while she was there, and her mom had to yell at her. her dad got pissed at her, that she had to be yelled at, and he slapped her. well...because of this, wendy told karen that her and tara aren't allowed to come over anymore. yay! karen is alright..but tara is a little bitch. come to think of it...i don't really like karen either. it's not because of her though...it's because of the way that mom talks about me around karen. she compares tara to me...that SO FUCKING PISSES ME OFF!!! i called her on it today, too...i was like...you are so full of shit if you actually think that i acted like that when i was that age. she said no, you didn't act anything like that. i said....why do you keep telling karen that then? she said that she's just trying to make karen feel better...what the hell? shouldn't she be more worried about me than she is about her friends?? what about how i feel about being compared to a bitchey, disobediant drama queen. i told mom that i called tara a bitch...at first i was like "do ya wanna know what i called her?" and she goes "what? TUB?" lol ...that wasn't polite...but...my mom isn't the most polite person..she says what she thinks, and worries about conciquences later. hehe. well...so long for now, my loyal minions...:D CHA!!! i wuv you all! CHIONG CHANG CONG :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

5/26/2002 my god...a simple conversation about the difference between birch beer and root beer ended up with mom freaking out on everyone again. what the hell is the matter with her? she was trying to tell me that birch beer used to be brown...like root beer...birch beer is CLEAR!!! anyway...it started when steven said that he wanted birch beer...meaning the bottle of root beer. mom started talking about the root beer, sayin' it was birch beer. i pointed out that the label said rootbeer...and she freaked out on me...sayin' that i was calling her a liar, and all this...WTF? she never remembers anything, and she was saying that when she was a little kid...birch beer was brown...for my own personal knowledge...if anyone knows...please email me...was birch beer ever brown...or has it alaways been clear...? RAR!

5/24/2002 i think i'm getting sick. i've been caughing and sneezing alot. : / hmm. it's been a while since i've blogged. but, there is good news....i realized the other day that i'm completely and totally in ---- with ---. hehe...if you know me...you'll he able to fill in the blanks. lol but...i don't know. i didnt' realize how strong my feelings really were until the other day. something was said...and it was just like...woa...everything kind of clicked. and i was thinking...why didn't i realize this before? it's all about leaving your walls down, so that you can let someone in, ya know? ah...this is the life...i think my cookies are burning...lol

5/20/2002 ::yawns:: i feel like such a geezer...i'm already tired. crap crap crap...ahh...it's a nice tired though. and i just remembered how i dropped the cig on my blanket last year, and burnt a hole in it...i was yawning, with a cig in my mouth...and it just fell out. i was so tired that i didn't even realize it until i saw an orange light near the floor, and thought that i had a cig...then a thought connected those two things, so then i picked it up. it hadn't happened before that, and hasn't happened since...thank god. but, anyway, here's an excerpt for an im earlier...quite funny...lol k5 would be me, and mo would be trina.... Mo: where did you go? Auto response from K5: Hi! I'm prolly out doin' teenager stuff...you know, torching churches, robbing the elderly, smoking crack...all that good stuff. So, when the anarchy is over, I will get back to you! ;-) K5: is taking a crap a teenager thing? Mo: LMAO! K5: lol i was just wondering...cause if it's not... i really have to change my away message for when i've gotta go do that. LOL Mo: lol to say what "Hi...Im pooping...see you when I finish pinching a loaf"? K5: LMFAO!!!! OMG!!! that's a good one!!! MUAHAHAHA!!! oh lord...it's still hilarious LMMFAO!! ROTFF!!!

5/19/2002 today was ...boring. hehe. well, it wasn't so bad, i guess. just one of those lazy days. no one was online today. the two people that i like to talk to the most were busy...and i had nothing to do. i did get a new email address though. i have to update some things on here, with the contact prefs, and all. let's see...we're watching felicity right now...it's alright, i guess. let's see, i've been reading alot of rolling stone lately. very good mag...if ya get the chance, go pick up an issue. of course, it's not for everyone...but, you may be one of the lucky souls that finds rolling stone to be a peice of literary art...lol well, it's not that good. heh...but, it's really good. let's see here...what else. oh, the other day, i was on mirc, and i got a shitload of mp3's. journey, incubus, linkin park, foghat. hmm, good stuff. :D saw a pic of jennifer lopez today...my god, why can't i look like that? phooey. :P but, i look like me, and i guess that's better than nothin'. lol...as if i could look like no one at all. i at least look like me. :D i do resemble other people though...never told that i resemble someone famous though. i have my dad's body shape...which really sucks...cause what chick wants to be shaped like a dude? i wish i had mom's legs...but, i don't...my mom isn't even really shaped like ...anything. when she's at her perfect weight, she's shaped like a ...popsicle stick...lol. i'm not quite as bad as dad or mom...i don't think, anyway. my butt looks better than once thought...i just have to wear pants/shorts that fit, instead of baggy ones. same with shirts...otherwise, i just look "blah" to say the least. ooo! and i actually have somekind of hips! how's about that! i always wanted some of those. lol i do have trouble spots, of course, but...i'm working on those. :D trina and i started a little "lose weight with a buddy" thing. hehe. we haven't gotten very far yet...but, oh well. lol. it's alright. it's not like i'm dying to look different within a day. ahh...today was just one lazy day. i got up after about 50 million hours of sleep, and i was still tired. god i sleep alot. :O i woke up to a really horrible pain in my legs...they were prolly atrophied...lol nah, it wasn't that bad. went to bed around like...3 am, and got up around 12pm....10 hours of sleep. i know some people that can sleep for like...15 hours, and be fallin' asleep at school, and stuff. heh. well, i'm gettin' bored now. typing gets that way after a while. gonna go read trina's blog now. hope there's something new on there....TRINA!!! :P

5/17/2002 well, so far, today is goin' entirely too slow. : / i don't know why tho. song of the day:Izzo-Jay-Z :) "'dis joint be tight, son!" heheh ;) ahh....not really anthing to say today. i do have a few things to do which i don't feel like doin'...but...i'll do 'em anyway, i guess. heh. i'll have more to write later. ooh, i mentioned cage in a previous entry...his stuff is rare, underground...so, if ya like eminem...you'll love cage...point being...if you have aim, or mirc...and you want one or both of the cage tracks, email me, and we'll hook ya up! :D CHA! "you and me baby ain't nothin' but mamals, so lets do it like they do on the discovery channel" LOL :D

5/16/2002 ahh. today has been nice so far. thought that i'd have to get up early thismorning. but, mom wakes me up at 11. i was like....what the hell, i thought we had to go away today? she said that the kids kept her up, woke her up early, ect. so, we didn't do jack crap. i drank my coffee and read my Madmag. :D and i woke up a bit. i was still quite tired even around 1 when mom left. so, i was rambeling throughout the house, trying to find something to keep me awake. well, since i had finished the madmag, i decided to continue on to a rolling stone. the kids and i chilled in my room for a bit, and i we listened to part of bbc sessions, then recorded some stuff from the radio. i worked on that blanket i'm makin'. hope that grandma gets around to bringin' that yarn up soon. hmm...drank some rather disgusting fruit (not really fruit) punch from rutters....::gags:: i wish we had some iced tea, or something. yick. hmm. got to talk to trina last night! :D yay! i didnt' get to talk to her for like 2 days...i was so sad. i really wanted to keep tabs on how the dog was doin', and how dixie is doin', all that stuff. ah, let's see...jamie is a trip. she's kinda down about this dude tho...well, 2 dudes. life goes on...there are more dogs in the park. lol ;) matt is finally acting normal again. :) i really want to see spiderman now that he's told me how awesome it was. lol hmm, what else? yah, craig has outside finished. last night i got a little pissed off cause something important to me didn't go my way...interferances by other people...but...i can't let myself start being mad about everything...i have to chill, and accept things how they are. now, not for everything, ya know, but, if i can't change it, or if it's better to leave it as is...then i will do so. pff. it's so adgitating sometimes though. shannon is having some probs right now. i wish that i could help her out somehow, but i don't think that she really wants my help. steve seems like he's doin' fine, except for all of the chicks in his area seem to be bitches... : / poor guy. jiffy seems to be as normal as he can possibly be. lol let's see...who else...oh, mom is repulsed by the guy she's dating. she's gonna cut it off. she says that he reminds her of her step dad. lol speaking of dad's...mine hasn't called me back since i left a message last week. fuck him...asshole. i could most likely trace all of my problems back to him...but, i'm not going to go there. hmm...i think that's about it for now. stay tuned...lol oh...cage is an awesome rapper...agent orange, and suicidal failure are pretty good. ....i prefer agent orange, cause it's identical to the movie clockwork orange :) i wish that i knew stanley kubrick...i think i'll go look him up...see what i can learn about "one of the most prolific movie makers of all time" i heard that about him somewhere...but i can't remember...cha...maybe i'll take jacob's ladder up to amy's tonight. :D

5/14/2002 "A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." Herm Albright. I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. these are some things that were in one of those funny emails that i get. i just got a kick out of them, so i figured that i'd put them in here. the only thing that is going on right now...well, i can't go there. but i do needd somewhere to vent it at...which means that this thing isn't really any use to me anymore. this was my vent...and now i can't, so i guess there's no reason to have it. i'm seriously thinking about shutting this thing down. i don't know ...everything lately is getting to me. everything that is going on makes me get a horrible feeling in my stomach. a big knot that won't go away. i've been feeling really sick lately. i don't know what's the matter with me. maybe stress, i don't know. all i do know is that it is the most probable cause of my sudden onset of illness. there is alot of stress lately, and for the most part, i cannot talk about it. FUCK why does life have to be so frustrating? why can't things be easy, and go how they are supposed to? WHY EVERYTHING? WHY IS EVERYTHING TURNING TO SHIT?

5/10/2002 i've had a few good days...i went into a chat on yahoo last night. it was heavy metal chat...all they were talking about is how much metallica kicks ass, and how every other band sucks. oh lord. i mean...yeah, metallica is good, and i still like them a little, but...eh. i was hopin' to find some kewl people...all i found is a bunch of 30 somethings trying to recapture their teenage years... : / i'm feeling really bad for trina right now. wanna know why? go read her blog for last night. my god...i feel so bad. :*( some dude immed me today...says he's from ct......i have reason to beleive that it's someone else...lol i ran out of smokes :O mom left me a pack of hers....YUCK! i've been writing alot lately. one thing mom thought was really good. she thinks that i should send it to a REAL publisher...see what they think. i don't know about this one that i'm going through right now. seems a little shady to me. but...i guess i'll see when the book comes out...and the cd. or...if it comes out. i might have been a little late getting my proof in though. :( i had to send in two of them. one to the studio, the other to the publishing company. i wanna get paid to write...i really do. that would be so nice. i was checkin' that out the other day. i don't know exactly how i would go about it though. if i were to get signed to a book deal, i'd already have the content for one right now. and with the way i've been writing lately...i could prolly have the same ammount within about 3 months. it ssems like the only time that i can write though is when there's something good or bad happening in my love life, or i feel like i'm beaing cheated within my daily life. what if things get really good? then i'll have to start writing all kinds of syrupy crap. lol drew carey is on. i've seen this episode like 50 times. : / i have dishes to do ...dinner dishes. i made a huge dinner tonight. in honor of mommy's day :D i wuv my mommy! lol. she was really gettin' on my nerves there for a bit. i called amy, and we talked for about an hour. and i got all of that out though. :D she also told me that my plants were sprouting :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D i went up earlier to see them. i couldn't beleive it! the one is like 2 inches tall! there is another one that is just out of the soil. hehehee! i'm so happy. i can't wait until they're big enough that i can tell which are males/females, and what species they are! YAY!!! my little babies. lol. i don't know what i'm going to do with them once they get big though. i guess i'll have to take them to derek's, and set up some lighting over there, and whatnot. i don't want ben near my plants though. i know what will happen, he'll end up stealing my harvest, and sellin' it without me knowing, and then i'll never see any of that profit. : / i might have to set something up in my room. there are alot of problems with that though. oh boy...so many problems. amy said about puttin' them in the yard...but, i don't want to get caught with those growing in the yard. there's not enough trees around to cover it, that would also let the sun shine through. : / oh wells. i guess we'll figure something out. they're not big yet, so i've got plenty of time :)

5/7/2002 i had a completely stressed day yesterday. don't even want to get into all of that. today is alright so far. nothing great tho. i got that pic finished. i was trying to draw a bong, but it wasn't coming out right...so i turned it into a fish. it looks pretty wild :D

5/4/2002 ...this is amusing...heheh...ok...i sign on to the blog today...and they have an ad up for the new blogger store. you can get t's, ect...they add..."due to popular demand, the addition of XX-L tees!" LMFAO!!! anyone who is sittin' on the comp 24-7, like myself and has the time for an online journal...is going to need an xx-l!!! no wonder they have popular demand for them! lol...well, anyway...i found that amusing. :D the other day while gardening...i was pulling weeds super fast...oh my god...for like an hour, i was doin' this. bent down without beding my knees, and pulling everything in sight as fast as i could...my thighs HURT! my biceps...HURT!! MOMMY!! lol i took the last of the tylenol that night...i REALLY wish that i had more. i've been gettin' a relly bad pain in my right temple too...like someone is trying to get a peice of my brain out of my skull with a really dull, big instrument of some sort...ouch...i think it might have just been a caffein headache though. i haven't been drinking as much coffee as usual. just trying to wake up in due time. well, thismorning, i couldn't stand it anymore, and fixed myself a HUGE cup of coffee....DOUBLE strength...what you do to get that is if you have coffee left in the pot from earlier, you just add some water to it, to fill the pot, and ya put that in there, and then you brew a fresh pot, but with using a mix of the old coffee and some water. mmmmm mmmmm good! lol. personally i prefer 100% columbian, but mom thinks that's WAY too strong...so she doesn't buy it. it's also a little more expensive, i do beleive. if gods drink coffee...this is what they prefer. lol let's see...dug out my Tarot cards thismorning. when there are too many things that i don't know...i use them. did one of those relationship spread thingers. that came out rather well. :) this deck is great...i'd reccomend it to anyone really...i'm not a witch, or a pagan, or a wiccan....do have some of their beleifs...but i'm not full on...but...the witches tarot kicks ass. :D that spread was pretty informative too. it was a new one that i found at this one site. i'll put a link to it up here when i'm done with this blog entry. ah. a few people that i like to talk to are online now... :D :D :D shannon is makin' a new site. she's gonna link me when she's finished with it. YAY! i have to go check my mail...she sent me a link to something that jamie wanted her to send to me. lol...last night we were trying to all get in this chat room...but shannon couldn't get in cause she's on cs. : / so, she switched to AIM, and then she got in. jamie and i were catchin' up on alot of stupid stuff...brad and calvin had a fight. calvin is just a little guy, but brad is huge. well, brad was talkin' shit on calvin's sister, callin' her a whore, and all...so, calvin like...attacked him . lol. gave brad a bloody nose, and everything. brad didnt' even get a punch in. : / i miss so many exciting things...lol well, i guess that i should go put that link up, and then go check my mail. shannon is on away right now, and the other person i was talkin' to had to sign off...poo. : / so...i've got no one to talk to...'cept if i want to sign on to mirc right now...which...nah. if i do, i'll end up gettin' like a million mp3's that i don't need. lol ok, i'm done...LOL this thing is giving me the shits...i just got done putting in all of my extras...all of that html...the codes for my fancy crap from sitegadgets, and all of my links...and now all of my archives are pobmia...(prisoners of blogger, missing in action) POOP!!!! it's giving me an error message when i try to republish too...god.... Rrrr!!!

5/3/2002 too many thoughts in my head, things left unsaid. swarming around, i don't know what to do. i can't decide, used to have a handle. now, holding a candle, cold and alone...i feel so alone, and things. the little things that a broken love brings. i'm tired, and i'm pissed of, and i can't express a thought in my head. it hurts to think sometimes now. i just don't know how i got to this spot. thought everything was right, it was tight. don't know how to take all this. gettin' mad and sad about everything now, don't know how to figure it out...how? things were clear before, i miss 'em, but never again, lonliness seems to be my only true friend. heart is broken and worn. life has been torn in two, i don't know what to do. could you help me get things together, for life goes fast, and things aren't gettin' better. they're gettin' worse by the minute, i can feel it, it hurts. i feel so weak now, nothing works i'm goin' berserk, i can't help but feel this, and i don't know how to heal it. would somebody please tell me how these things really should be. i'm alone and confused, and i don't know anymore. tell me how the puzzle goes, ir is it that no one knows? i have to do it myself i know, but results neverr come, they're painfully slow. just want to fast forward to the good part, i'm sure it's there, wanna know where it starts. i can't figure where things went wrong really, all i know is that they aren't how they should be~KLP

5/1/2002 i really have to get on the ball with this site. i decided that i didn't feel like doin' the insane asylum by myself anymore...so, i trashed it. i have enough sites to worry about...my art, and my blog. that's enough for me. gonna go to sitegadgets now, and see about gettin' all of my extras on this bad boy :D major work being done today...song of the day:helena:misfits AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! i'm in a psychotic mood at the moment. heheh. LOTS of editing to do today! fun fun!!! hehehe

4/30/2002 drive-incubus song of the day. today is very peaceful so far. nothin' much to do. i'm still a little sleepy. i think i'll get another cup of coffee...my first one got cold after i downed about half of it. i don't have anything to do today, besides dishes, and make the kid's clean up their shit before mom gets home. was thinking about going outside today...to get those flowers planted...but, it's cold out again, so, no such luck. i need to go water those though...ahh...it's a bit nicer today than it has been lately. maybe i will go out and plant those flowers today. :)

4/29/2002 toxicity-system of a down song of the day thought of the day...things will progress soon enough quote of the day..."i gave myself to jesus, and he still hasn't called back" of course, that wasnt' an origional quote. i wouldn't be witty enough to think of something like that. but, i did find it to be quite entertaining. activity of the day: getting my isis catalog...full of mystical "black majik" bullshit that i love so much loathed moment of the day: big meanies. i had some left over brocolli. that was good. i have a headache, and my neck is really stiff. i need a massage, or something >.< hehehe...i like those little squinty eyes...trina came up with those, actually. {{HEADACHE}} i've had one for alot of days now...it will just last all day. sometimes it will go away after a while...but...owwie. i tried to draw today...no luck...whatever it is...somekind of wild person, or whatever, holding a huge crown over his head...it's supposed to represent the fact that no matter how high up you are on the social ladder...everyone is still a primal beast somwehere deep down...but, it looks retarded. shit. i have stuff to do today which i don't want to do today...or any other one, to be exact. all i want to do i get a shower, one of those long ones, and when you get out, everything is dripping with steam, and your skin is an odd shade of red from the hot water...this could sound painful to some people, i guess...but...man, you just feel so relaxed after that. my god, now my back hurts...what next? i'll tell you...my nose will get stuffy, my ears will hurt, i'll get a sinus headache along with this regular one, my stomach will start to hurt, my jaw will hurt, due to my wisdom teeth, which will then make my tongue, and my cheek hurt, and then my ass will hurt...cause someone needs to kick me there to get me to quit complaining about everything. Pff. :P

4/27/2002 hmm...the past few days have been rather good. i've actually started to feel good during the day instead of "alright" ...HAPPY! :) yadda yadda...i have to go work on the art site, and the insane asylum...ta ta!

4/25/2002 well...last night i went to amy's. we had a splendid old time...had a beer, had some smoke...and was later notified that it was laced with angel dust...i was like...oh, shit. i never did that before. when i got home, i was messed up. i went to get online, and i was talkin' to a few different people. my speech wasn't right...i kept misspelling all kinds of things. i saw my computer monitor melt, and a few other things that i can't remember ecactly what they were. amy and john put the blacklight on, and they were showing me all of their drawings, and stuff. kickass. :) didn't have a chance to write on the 23'rd...i decided to get into contact with an old friend of mine...and things are kewl with all that. :)

4/23/2002 just got home from amy's about 15 minutes ago. we watched a movie. it was fun :) it's 4am my time...i'm talkin' to albert...aka:"john from york"...that's what i've been calling him since i was goin' with john from nc...but, i guess john from york can be regular john now. how about that! anyway, here's a transcript...hehehe......k5 me, On would be him.... On: sometimes i poop my pants K5: i hope you keep extra undies with you. On: what r undies for? K5: basically to catch poopie so it doesn't get on your pants. On: what pants? K5: dogs that are too hot, and they need to cool off. On: so wheres ur friend at she lied she said she was gonna send me more pixx.. K5: she's busy lately. she had to go in to work tonight around 10:20, and she's been having trouble sleeping. K5: she hasn't been herself lately, because of lack of sleep On: yah herpes will do that K5: yah...she prolly caught it from my cousin. :-X Orkenbjorken: probably and they caught it from u K5: yah, i'm a disease bag, not to metion my whoring escepades with the same sex, and relatives. K5: mention* Orkenbjorken: thats hot K5: yup, except for the itching, and all. On: true K5: and the unsightly pus filled boils...but that's only every other day. K5: so, how have your herpes been? seen yo baby's momma lately? On: which one? K5: martha...you remember martha, don't you? with the few extra toes? K5: oh, and those hairy moles around her lips. On: man im horny.. stop it now On: haha K5: lol! so, you like martha, with the extra toes, and the moles, and such? heh On: mmhmmm K5: well, you should give her a call...i'm sure that your kid, peanuts inpoop will want to see mommy again. On: true K5: i heard that she donated a few of her extra toes to some dude that lost a few of his in 'nam. On: heh yah i think so.. shes always thinking with her heart K5: you do know that she had to have that heart transplant, right? she's got a babboons heart now...just like in that movie. On: oooo thats so cute K5: yeah...everyone always said that she looked like a baboon, now she can look like one on the inside too. On: hehe too true K5: ag day is on...oooo On: oooo K5: yes, a completely explosive example of the great programming on at this hour. K5: well, i'm gonna go to bed now...and try not to have nightmares about martha On: heh okee see ya later K5: oy! that's it for now...prolly another post a little later...sometime other than 4 am...cha!

4/22/2002 Wait And Bleed-Slipknot...Song Of The Day well well well...it's been an alright day so far. i found some of my old aim names. i can't beleive that i had so many. i'm gonna start using all of them again. i miss being "different" lol. i'm thinking about cutting my hair again...trying to stop myself from that, cause i know that i'll regret it. well, i have all of trina's trip planned. :D i have to read the latest entry in trina's blog. i've been thinking about john alot today. like the complete impossibility that he could have broken up with me...it just doesn't seem right to me, and things just don't add up...about 3-4 months ago, things stopped adding up. it's been giving me a headache today. i really wish that i could stop thinking about it...the complete "UGH" of it all. like, what did i do, ya know? i didn't even get a chance to ask. i was thinking about matt alot for a few days, ya know...but, i guess that it's just better that we be friends with minimal benefits for now, you know, only flirting, and such. i am going to see him in july, trina is coming along with me. i hope that we don't get lost on the way there. the jersey tunpike, i've heard is a bitch...along with something else that i can't recall the name for...somekind of "turnpike-ish" thing. somekind of ...bird...falcon...no, vulture...no...shit. mom's always telling me about it. ....i just saw my neighbor going down the street on a bacco...okay.... ~: /

4/21/2002 well, 4:20 was uneventful. i smoked a bong with amy, hung out a bit, and came home. just another day. i don't think that this me and matt thing is going to work. i dont' know...it just doesn't seem like he's too interrested in being in a relationship...which, all i want right now is someone to get along with, ya know? a good friend, with some added benefits. i don't want something that i feel obligated to. of course, i wouldn't want him to be dating anyone else at the time, but i wouldn't be doing that either, ya know? ugh.

4/20/2002 i just smooshed a bug on the monitor...i have a candle lit...so it's attracting all of the little buggies. hehehe. let's see...i have all of trina and i's plans worked out. had to take out most of the funny named places...kept intercourse though, cause that's the best one :D lol there was another trip that i was contemplating...but...what the hell ever. not even talking about that fuck anymore. i NEED to get laid... :O i hope that i can keep myself under somekind of control when we go to see matt...cause if i'm really horny, i'll just freak out. lol. ;) this is life...sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll...alcohol, and driving...NOT COMBINED THOUGH well, buzz cruises are cool...and alot of fun, but not NOT ALCOHOL AND DRIVING! i've known too many that have lost their LIVES THEIR FUCKING LIVES!!! DUE TO SOME ASSHOLE DRINKING AND DRIVING. IT'S NOT FAIR! i was just about ready to burst a blood vessle. hehe. ;) my god...i feel great. i feel free of worry, and i asked matt out today....and we talked about that for a while...my god...wouldn't that be kewl? he's normal in all of the ways that i like guys to be normal, and completely freaky in all of the acceptable ways. :D ...and he wants to see my g-string... :O hehehe. i don't think tha'ts kosher..LOL!! well...i don't know what's goin' on for now...but...shit, things are good as far as i can tell...i need some clean laundry, and some sex. hehehehe :D CHA CHA CHA!

4/17/2002 oh boy...i thought this day started good...well, we had a change in plans...mid afternoon, there was a small "probelm" but, for now...i guess i got what i was thinking about making happen...life singular. yeah...it's kinda hard...but...maybe i'm just not meant to be in a relationship...i guess i don't like being too serious...within the past month i've realized that i don't want to be held down by commitment, and i never want to get married, and have kids. i'm not bitter...a little angry about the way it all had to go down, but...i guess some guys just aren't real men, and some women who just don't know how to be a real woman. i the mean time...i'll eventually find a nice lad...heheh...perhaps find someone just as a friend for now...don't want to rush into a sexual relationship...cause that's just wouldn't be "right" for me just yet....in a few weeks or so, i don't know...maybe get a little friend's with benefitsthing goin' on...nothing horribly serious, but, maybe a little slap and tickle every now and then. :) a nice, real man, ...who enjoys getting semi-wasted every now and again and other miscellaneous bullshit :D CHA! i know that this entry is quite blunt, and to the point...i've been trying to improve myself...to just...get right to things, not beat around the bush. in this relationship, i basically did nothing but. so, if for any reason, you, john, kept this link i gave you...and you're reading this now...thanks for the good times...even the bad ones...you taught me a few things, and i may have taught you some too. all together, it was good, and i wouldn't trade my memories of it for the world...it's life...it's part of mine...and now i'm on my way to my next chapter. thank you for making me feel all of those wonderful emotions of loving, and caring for another as i did for you...sorry it had to end so soon though...the only thing i would change is that maybe you wouldn't have gone about it as you did. good luck with everything you do, take care of yourself, and be careful...bye for...

4/16/2002 so fucking what! hehehe...i love this song....pea by the red hot chilli peppers :D good song. my fav. part..."i'm a pacifist, so i can fuck your shit up" lol toxicity by system of a down...MY FAVORITE BAND! and sugar by SOAD!!! chop suey by SOAD!!! KICK ASS!!! and eva...by orgy. :D and getting some dishes done, drinking a cup of coffe, taking a break now. (don't you love how i just cut into a new subject right in the middle of a thought??? hehee) forcing the kids to clean up a bit. steven was being an ass this morning. i hate him when he acts like that...don't worry, i'm allowed to say these things, he's my brother, not my son! :P gettin' smoked in the afternoon is not a good diea for me, unless i smoke ALOT. it will give me energy, but...yesterday, took about 4 bongs with amy...my god. it knocked me on my ass. really. put me in a great mood for a bit, then i got really tired, so i layed down for a little while. didn't go to sleep, just chilled. then, when i decided that it was safe to get up...i was so crabby. i was just a completely different person...even than i was before i smoked. before i smoked, i was in a good mood. then...i smoked, got absolutely estatic, and then my buzz crashed, and i felt like hell. :( that REALLY sucked! remind me not to smoke in the afternoon and when i'm in a good mood...that really backfired on me, let me tell you what. saw a van full of guys at rutter's last night. one of them looked like john...or it could have (and most likely was ) my imagination. i miss him so much. some days i can't stop for anything, and can't think about anyhing or anyone else. : / it's irritating to think about him all of the time when he's not here. i can't say that it's thinking out of worry. i know he's a big boy, and he's fine. but, just thinking about him out of curiosity. like, hmm, i wonder what he's up to, or what he's thinking, if his day went alright. eww...i hate this song... :X i really have to take some of those madonna songs off my computer. lol but, anyway...i just really miss him...and the things that come along with a live- in boyfriend...if ya get my drift.... :) KELLY NEEDS SOME LOVIN' TOO!!!! hehehehe. i've been a horny toad for the past MONTH! i can't think of much more than that...gettin' freaky with john...cold showers, kelly...take cold showers...IT DOESN'T WORK!!! AAAAAACCCCCKKKK!!!!!! I NEED SEX!!!!!

4/14/2002 it's been three days since i've logged in...though it feels like forever. i still haven't bothered doing those dishes...the stack is getting huge. but, i can't say that i really care, until mom starts throwing a fit about it. i do have to get those done soon though....i just have to. the kid's dad brought some toys for them. he always gets more for tink than he does for steven. i think that's really rude, and mean. mom's home from her date already! yay!! maybe amy and i will be able to go do what we need to do afterall. i'm wearing my hair all up and weird today, with a white shirt, and a dark blue bra...which, you can see through the shirt, and a pair of khaki cut off jean shorts. trina is always saying that she's ugly, and all this...WHY LORD, WHY?!!?!? she's really pretty, and sometimes i wish i looked like her. but, she doesn't think she's pretty at all. it makes me sad really. she needs to start realizing how pretty she is, or no one else is going to think that she is pretty, ya know? i just don't know what to say to her anymore about it. i tell her that she's pretty, and all that, but...i don't think that she beleives me. lol. when i'm down on myself, she trys to pick me up too...and it usually works. unless i'm feeling particularly ugly that day. : / i hate to feel like that. but, all i have to do to make myself feel better usually is so simple...i get a shower, get dressed, brush my hair, and teeth, put on a little make up, and my earrings, and i'm set. i feel great after that. i always feel so much prettier after i just...bathe. lol. odd, i think. but, that's me. lol alot of stuff happened yesterday that i'd rather not talk about. oh, that stupid ben guy is beginning to anger me once again. god, can't he leave me alone?

4/10/2002 this will be the fourth time i've logged in today. prepairing each time to actually add an entry. well, it seems that after i sign in, i see a blog that i want to read, so i go read some of it. then, i've compltely defeated the purpose of logging into my blog. there are alot of really nice blogs. i have to say that every one of them that i've read so far is very interresting, and very well written. just today i've found some people that are alot like myself. i'd really enjoy getting to know them. though, they don't have their names posted on their blogs...like, screen names, and what not. you know what i mean! spent some time outside today. tried to fix up some things. the lawn was almost done being mowed when i went out. that was nice. :) i planted some morning glories. they're pretty. took care of some other things. talked to amy about the yard. we're going to go to pap's this weekend, to make sure that our plans for everything are ok. then, if he thinks that they're good, we're gonna hopefully get some cash off of him, and go get everything that we need for our project. i really hope that he likes the plans that i drew up. every time i try to transplant those purple flowers, i kill them. it's sad, though they don't match anything. the roni size remix of sarah mclachlan's song "sweet surrender" is tight.

4/9/2002 i went to amy's last night... :D it was cool. had a beer and a few bongs. watched a few movies. didn't really talk much...i think her boyfriend was doing enough talking for everyone. : / what a motormouth. bla bla bla. : / if there's anyone that i'd have to point out in particular that i don't want john to be like...amy's man (which is named john also) would have to be the one! UGH! he's SO annoying! but, my john isn't like that :) i feel like i really caught a winner, ya know? i never honestly thought that before about any of the guys that i've dated. i've counted it up rescently...there have been quite a few :O but, they were all assholes. examples:tony...after seeing that some of his friends/ family didn't really think i was as great as he did, he decided that he'd rather just make them happy. 2.john (not the john that i'm with right now) we were in "puppy love" when we were younger, tried again when we got older. though he was nice on holidays...he didn't really talk at any other time. i think he was doing the "buying love" thing. that was sad. let's see, after that, in some order.... :O was tim (m.) we went together for a while, but...we were better off as friends. we were always high when we were together, and almost ended up doing some stupid things. he wasn't really a talker either...more like the "yeah, ummhmm" type...don't like that. there was bobby...he was ok at first, but then, he started getting really big into partying...i mean, i party too, but, he didn't want to comprehend that...he never wanted me to be with him when he'd go to his friend's house to smoke up or whatever. kind of just leave me behind. that wasn't cool...and he was really short... : / ian was a little bit on the psycho side...he belived in somekind of black majik shit. : / he also told everyone that we were gettin' freaky when we weren't...i hadn't even kissed him...glad i didn't. there was also undisclosed name, and undisclosed informations surrounding that...which we will not go there...lol... there was tommy. he was really cool...but, after a while, we realized that we weren't really interrested in eachother like that... then there was a.j....a little too mentally disturbed for me. i constantly felt like i was trying to pull him out of a depression, and that wasn't fun for me. eric...he was very mentally disturbed. controling, stupid, fast to get a temper, too full of himself at times...it was just a front though. he was really unbalanced. something inside of me wishes for him, almost a praying that he will eventually see how he is, and get some help. and i beleive that's pretty much it. i could be missing one or two. hey, don't think of me like that! i'm not a ho, or a player...you just don't understand...just things went bad, that's all. and i didn't do anything with any of those dudes. just little stuff that doesn't even matter. even then, i will have to plea momentary lapse of sanity. but ...i'm sane now. hehehehe ;) today was...blah. oh, but things with john and i are improving. :D i'm so happy. i'd be happier if he were here...but, everything in due time. talked to trina a little today. that was cool. talking to matt right now...what a freak ;) didn't get anything outside done today. it rained. :( well, i think that's my curtain call! p.s....last night when i was up at amy's...amy and i were upstairs, and she asked john if he needed anything...i said "yeah, a brain transplant!" she laughed her ass off :D so did i. lol

4/6/2002 well, the past few days have been nothing short of hell. problems with john again which i don't even want to go there. i don't know what to do anymore, ya know? i've been...well, i said that i didn't want to go there. anyway, i got to talk to trina last night. she was finally online, and she asked if she could call. what was i gonna do...say no?? HA! so, she called, and we talked for a while. that was good. i talked about everything that's been goin' on, and thank god for best friends...she didn't seem like she was getting pissed at me for talking about it so much, or complaining too much, or anything ...thank you trina :) no wonder it feels like you're my big sister...you help me through shit like this and really make me feel better. thanks for lettin' me speak my mind, and not getting fed up with my bitching. ::hugs::

4/1/2002 let's see here...last night, i went to amy's...FUN! i polished off the last of the vodka, smoked a little green out of little red lol drank some jim beam in hawaiian punch...tasty. played some cards, shot some pool, watched some movies, listened to some cd's, and a little radio, loked at some old pics, talked to some of amy's b/f's friends. accidentally locked us out of the house. luckilly, the other door was unlocked. then, yesterday, we went to grandma brenneman's for easter dinner. not too shabby. i thought that everyone was going to be pissed at me, but they repressed themselves. :D little david was there. i think we have the same haircut...lol 'cept his is LONGER than mine! i saw mandy, too....i don't look like her!!! my eyes are prettier! LOL! aunt loretta looks really nice, she lost alot of weight. :D YAY!!! good goin' Retta! grandma was kewl. the dogs were crazy, tiff was peein' all over the floor, and stuff. lol. kitty kitty was in hiding for most of the day. steven was in the basement most of the time, playing the super nintendo, and various other things down there. pappy steve gave me a book (the new steven king) and a mad. best mad i've seen in a while, actually. i dressed up really nice, and everyone said that i looked really pretty :D let's see...the ham was the best we've ever had, the scalloped potatoes were a little off, due to the lack of onion, i gag at the appearance of sweet potatoes, but i'm sure that if i did like them, that those would have been great. the caramel apple cheesecake was kickass. i didn't try the cocanut cake though. it was raining for a little bit while we were there. that sucked, having to go outside, in the rain to smoke. :( little david smokes...or did. his parents found out, and now he's not allowed to. he's not allowed to have any caffein either. apparently, he had some seizures after the accident, so he's on meds for that now too. shit, what else? there was so much! pappy steve took some pictures. he actaully took one of me. :O i looked alright. no complaints about that one. i was standing by the door, and he caught me. lol. we all had a really good time. :D the kids even got some easter junk, and i got to watch some cable tv. caught pappy steve watching a "rockumentary" on vh1...about ....now, brace yourselves, people...SNOOP DOGG!!! LOL! so, i snuck in, and watched it too. then, one on aalyah came on...i think i misspelled that, but i watched that too :D i love that new song on the radio i don't know who it's by, but it's a guy singing, and he says something like "hey man, i really like your daughter i want to eat her like ice cream...she's not bad, she just likes to get her fuck on..." LMFAO! I LOOOOOOVE THAT SONG!!!! AHHH!! LOL! :D seinfeld is on now...i love seinfeld, so, i gots to goooo! Cha Cha!

3/29/2002 well, yesterday was not good. it just wasn't good at all. i could have really used a good old talk-a-thon with john, but...there are things preventing that right now. i've noticed that i've been relying alot on my guy friends for what i'm not getting from john...just the talking, stuff like that. not anything sexual, i'd never cheat on him. but, alot of my guy friends are willing to listen to what i have to say, and they're pretty nice guys. i never would have thought of them as being "listeners" before all of this. i mean, john was online almost every night, so i would talk to him every night, most nights for more than an hour...and there was the 8 hour talk a thon. but, i guess what i'm trying to say is that i really value my friendships with my guy freinds alot more now. first, there's steve. i met him only three months after i got online. my cousins met him in a chat, or something. i beleive that was when they first got into roll playing. well, they were talking to steve, and he was telling them about all of these hacking progs. i got interrested in that, and my cousins told me to talk to steve. so i did...still talk to him 'till this day. it's easy to talk to him about the things that suck in life, cause his isn't goin' too good either. he's also great to just talk to for no reason, about stupid shit. he's also one of my "go to" guys when i'm having somekind of problem with the computer, or if i need to find some music. steve listens to all kinds...he even found me a nice techno track one day :) then, there's john from york (not my john) he's fun to joke around with. he's a reall busy guy though, so, he's the one that you want to talk to when you're busy too, and you don't want to have to take 50 breaks in 5 minutes to type something back. he's really crazy. he was one of the first people that i knew online too. he's sxe, and when i get on a roll about talking about a party, or whatever, where there was drinking, or drugs, whatever, he'll get on me a little, but he's not annoying about it :D i met him (for real) when i was at a party, actually. i invited him over to my aunt's place. we chilled on the front porch, while i came down off of my high, and drank a beer. he wasn't bothered. he has dreads, and he's in a band...how cool? he even has his own little night club in his basement! :D kick ass! he's a really sweet guy, and he likes animals, which that's kewl...he reminds me of an activist...doing anything and everything to make dork, pu better...he even helped run a petition to get a skatepark in york :D let me think...then, there's matt. he's an odd one...let me tell you. he wants to be a woman, and he could possibly be gay. but...he's real with himself about it, though he's been taught to repress it. as soon as he gets out from under his parent's roof, he will be...chickey. we talk about that alot. which, gets annoying sometimes, but we really do have alot to talk about...and he listens...all too well though...his responces are usually around the "oh, ok, or uh huh" any one of those. lol. but, sometimes, when we talk, he'll be really into it. specially if i'm in a mood, he'll take an interrest in that. i've known him for a good while, but not as long as i've known john from york, or steve...from ma...i beleive. new topic...my mom went to jail yesterday... :O she's out now, but they took her in for a fine that was 3 dollars and fifty cents!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?

3/27/2002 i've got about ...eh, ten minutes before i have to get offline, and actually do something around here, so mom won't bitch at me when she gets home. "why didn't you do the dishes? why didn't you gather the laundry? why didn't you clean that up? why is that laying there? why are your shoes in the middle of the kitchen floor" and soooooooooo on. my god, she drives me nuts. why does she ask me these things? why ask why, when you already know. and i tell her all of the time "because i'm lazy" or "because i didn't feel like putting it away, picking it up, washing it, gathering it, cleaning it, wiping it off, or whatever the smart assed phrase may be in any given situation! AGH!!! i really need to get out on my own. if anyone that lives in pa is reading this...my god, would you please get ahold of me?!?! maybe we can be roomates. lol. nah, that was a joke (not it wasn't, call me!) hehehe. nah, jus' a joke. it's 7:53 pm no, 7:54...ick, at 8 i have to start doing crap. which crap should i start with? i think i'll ....hmm, no, not a good idea. the kids have to get bathed seperately now. mom caught them playing doctor, or something. lol. whatever. i have five more minutes to write. :o i even have to clean up the living room. promised kimberly the other day that if she hated doing dishes so much, that she didn't have to do them anymore...which i will regret for the rest of my days of living in this house. shit. now, she will never do dishes for me again, unless i bribe her, which is usually pretty simple, but...i'm more broke than a whore with no customers. :O shit shit shit. i need some bread.....or cheez...or cheddah...slang for money here. 7:57...nooo! my time is so running out. i'm such a procrastonator...i'll wait until the last minute to wait until the last minute!!! :D but, that's just me i guess. 7:58. you'd think that i'd just get off of my ass, and get some of this stuff done, which seems impossible right now....well, nope, i'm not gonna do it! i'm just gonna sit here for a ...another minute, and type. shit, i gotta go! :O got the crap done. crap is hard to do when you don't feel like doing jack crap :D oh smells. i got everything done though...and half an hour early! CHA CHA CHA!

3/26/2002 i went to the dentist the other day. wasn't that a treat? i got four cavities filled, and i was told that i need to make another appointment sometime soon, so i can get 4 wisdom teeth pulled. ick. they do hurt really bad, but, god...what if i get them pulled then the rest of my teeth start spreading, because of the extra room...and then i end up looking like somekind of freak with a huge ass gap between my two front teeth. my lord. i'm really scared of that. john thinks that he has austin powers teeth...:o that's so not true! he has the most adorable smile i've ever seen in my life! :D i miss him so much. sometimes i just feel like i'm gonna start crying. i hardly ever get to talk to him anymore, and it really bothers me. he doesn't really seem to mind it though :*( eh. it's just a guy thing i guess. are all guys like that? when i first met him, i didn't think that he was like that. he's kind of changed a little, i guess. i know he's busy, and all, but shit...i need time too...i'm trying to do this "be supportive of him, and don't bitch about your problems" thing, but...it's really hard. i never thought a relationship could be this hard, and it's really the only thing i've been able to focus on. after about 2 weeks ago, when i did something stupid, and just completely lost it, i've been really watching myself now. trying to do everything right, to assure him that i love him, i care, and i'm here for him no matter what happens. i don't think that men give those things condsideration...maybe that's why they don't seem to appreciate them. ::could just bawl for a year:: shit...i'm sad.

3/18/2002 as you can tell (lack of posts) nothing has been going on lately. well, trina is going to visit me, in june :D YAY! i arranged it with mom so that the kids will go to their old babysitter, and trina will drive mom to work, and the kids to star's, so we can have the car all day...basically so i can drive all day. lol. but, it will kick so much ass. i'm gonna save my pay until she comes up, and we're gonna raise some hell, and party :D nothin' better than partying...specially in the summer...winter is alright, but summer...everything is perfect. time for yard parties! :D YAAAAAHHH!!! lol. the kids are watching rug rats....i like that cartoon. :) oh, i got this program, at the advice of craig...it's called mIRC. it kicks so much ass! you can get all kinds of mp3's, anything you want. i'm gonna see what's involved in becomming a file server...like, a person that other people get files off of. i'm building quite a collection. just today, i got a few three-6 mafia songs, and ride with me by nelly :D :D :D :D lol. i fell on my face a few days ago...scraped the living hell out of my arm...that's what pulling a wagon down the driveway while running will do to you. lol. at least i didn't scrape my face! i had just cleaned my shoes the day before that...when i went inside to PICK THE EMBEDED ROCKS OFF OF MY ARM, i saw that they were dirty again...screw it. lol. they can stay dirty. i'm tired of cleaning them. :P i'm gonna go be a couch potatoe for a bit...watch some rugrats. :D

3/13/2002 i think i hate my dad again...he's such a jerk...supposedly "forgetting" to call me...of course, only when conveiniant. like, on the weekends, i'll call, and he's never home. i'll leave a message on the machine..."dad, call me about driving this weekend. love ya, bye." i get no call. what the fuck? mom is still home on disability. she isn't getting her checks yet though, so we only have 30 bucks to last us until she goes back to work. who knows when that will be. it's weird having her here. i'm so used to being home with the kids, it's odd. now. i've been really bored, but i feel that subsiding. ::i need to clean my shoes:: she met this new guy. he's online. he lives in pittsburgh. she's not sure about him, and to tell you the truth, neither am i. it just seems too far to me. ...like i should be one to talk, when john is in north carolina, and i'm stuck here, in dork, pu...otherwise known as york, pa. but, john and i are the exception...we're special, and what we have is special. moreso than this little online thing that mom has this this dude. speaking of pittsburgh, laura, craig, and jeff came over the other day. craig spent the weekend. wow...that was so much fun. mom let him invite a few of his buddies over. it ended up being me, craig, merv, rob, scott, colby, and clayton. merv just came over to play craig's guitar for a while, the rest of them spent the night. we all had a really good time. :D i ended up hanging out with amy for a while too. oh, and her boyfriend...his name is john, too...lol. we had a jolly old time. i think i'll go up again tonight, maybe tomorrow. i didn't get to go driving today. it was raining out. :( i got a little perterbed, but nothing like the past week. i was just getting really mad about everything. mom was getting on me big time ::grandma is online right now. i yimmed her, but i think she's busy :o:: the reason i was so crabby last week? pms...it's getting really bad. i need to be put on medication for it, i think. :o that's not good, and also, i miss john SO much, it's so killing me. most of the time, i feel like i'm single again. single isn't bad, but, i don't want to be single, i want to be with john. he's been really busy though. i guess i'm being too needy...cause there is alot going on in his life right now that he just can't control. it's ok. i think that everything is alright now. i'm glad that i got some good advice, before i did something really stupid, and after i did something moderately stupid. i would like to thank trina, my mom, and my tarot :D well, writing all of this has been fun, but i'm horny, and bored, and john is no where to be found...i need to go clean my shoes now...lol.

3/10/2002 craig came over today, it's been fun.. he's spending the night. along with a few of his buddies. damn, this is the most fun i've had in a while. it's a litle later right now (1:49 am) so, i'm a little tired...it's been too long...plus the fact aht i'm baked, and trashed. i really missed all those guys though. scott, clayton, and robbie. merv was here for a bit too, and then he left, and then this guy that scotty knows came over. he's not taht bad. his name is colby. he was in my home room a few years back. i wish john was here, so he could meet these guys, cause they're really fun to chill with, and specially my cousin craig :D i don't feel like goin' back outside though...it's too damn cold out there!

3/3/2002 i'm talking to trina again. she got a chance to write to me, so i wrote her back, and gave her the email address, and the instant messanger name. she immed me the other night, and said "kelly, this is trina" i recognized her name, and i said "i know!!!!!!" it's so awesome to be able to talk to her again. i still miss her, cause things still aren't the same, but, this is better than nothing. :) ahh, life is getting better by the day. things are getting tolerable again. mom came home early the other day. they put her on disability. (finally.) it's a little odd having her home, but all in all, i was really getting to miss her, so it's nice to have her around all the time. i'm sure that won't last long though. i mean, eventually, i'm going to get sick of her again, and then she'll go back to work, and then i'll miss her again. vicious cycles. i have another example of one of those, but i'll spare you. lol i saw some old faces from school today. i wasn't really interrested in saying anything to them, but, secretly hoping that they would recognize me. no one did. oh well, i guess. i'm not really friends with any of them...but, whatever. lol.

2/28/2002 let's see...my mom has a hernia. she has to go in for an opperation soon. little david is going through rehab for what happened. they say that he'll end up being a "disfunctional adult", and he'll never be the same. my back hurts. my mom has "something" wrong with her breast, which will be getting a thorough check shortly. i went for an hour long drive today, and did quite well. i have alot of cleaning to do today. :O i've been neglecting my duties somewhat. i have to bathe the kids, call my grandmother back about "lostmoney.com", talk to my grandfather, and an assortment of other things. i guess i should get started! bye for now!

2/22/2002 the past few days have been full of worry...for my cousin, david. whatever, or whoever is up there, watching over us...please save my cousin. it all started a few nights ago, when david was in a car accident. he was in the car with three other kids. he was sitting on the right hand passenger side. collisions usually occure in the front, or back, but the person that wrecked into them had direct contact with where david was sitting. david has a few broken ribs, bleeding on the brain, a broken arm, and punctured lungs. no one else in the car sustained injuries. as far as i've been notified, this incident had nothing to do with alcohol, or drug use, speeding, or not wearing a seat belt. since it happened, he's been unconcious, until today. his eyes were moving a little, and he's able to move his hands, and feet. i hope that from here on out, everything will be alright. if you are reading this, please pray for my cousin~David Scott. [We love you, David!]

2/20/2002 ahh...i've just commited video game suicide. poor spyro. can someone tell me why little sparks come off of him when he lands in water? like he's an electric dragon? eh, whatever. he's dead, and i'm so sad....(cause i have no memory card, and i rescued 15 dragons in one sitting.) but...i couldn't find my way out of the place where the bulls and chickens are. oh well. oh, by the way, things with john and i are back to normal, and everything is fine. he even thought to call me while he was out running around today (i love it when he does things like that...that lets me know that he really is thinking about me at the strangest of times. :) let's see...i almost killed my family while out for a driving lesson today. i wasn't ready to be pulling out of the driveway yet. i was getting freaked out just sitting in the driveway, and letting the car warm up..and thinking about it. it was a minor disaster...but, we just almost had an accident, it didn't actually happen, just almost, so...i guess i did alright. we were out for about one hour today. i asked mom "how would you rate today's driving ...between a 0-10 she gave me a 6. in my mind, before she answered, i was thinking...she better give me a six...so what if i almost killed all of us, i did pretty good on those other roads. anyway, then i asked her what i would have gotten if the pulling out of the driveway incident wouldn't have happened...she gave me a 9...wow. only 2 weeks driving experiance, and she gave me a nine...(almost...not including the driveway ordeal) so, i think i did pretty well. or maybe she jsut said that to shut me up...yes, i think that's it. she doesn't seem to like it when i question her about how well or how shitty i did. i just want the truth, i don't want her to lie just to shut me up. when i have kids, and i have to teach them to drive, i'm not going to be like her...AT ALL!! she makes me nervous. if she wasn't in the car, or if she would just trust me to do a good job, i would do so much better, but i feel like i have to earn her trust...trust has been a big problem during the past few months...receiving it, and giving it. that has been an issue from alot of points. well...that's going to change, and as my "mystical" tarot cards say...the changes are already in motion...and i beleive that is what's happening...yes...life is getting better as i try to understand people more. yes,...life is good. :)

2/17/2002 it's times like these when i can't organize a thought for crap, but i have a strage feeling of just wanting to get everything possible out in the open. though i'm quite sure that my fingers aren't cooperating with my brain in the manor that they should be...because i'm typing like a four year old. ...well, not that bad, jsut really slow. so, people, brace yourselves for a jumble of unreadable jibberish. here goes. i will first try to organize these thoughts zooming around. first, we will start with my day. it was, as always, pretty damn boring. i was awakened at 12 pm...and absolutely sickening hour for someone who had only begun slumber at 5:30 am. with my emotional upset, even 15 hours of sleep wouldn't have filled the bill. but, i hiked my lazy butt down the steps, and thought to myself, just as i do every other morning...why did my mother have to wake me up right now? she doesn't need me to be up...so what's the beef? though, i know exactly what the beef is, every single morning...she needs someone to talk to. someone to keep her company. i'm kind of glad that i was recruited for the job, though it can be a pain. anyway, the first thing that came to mind to open my yap about...my problems. my never ending problems. at least this time, it was one of the problems of mine that is least occuring...ones of the relationship sort. i proceeded to get into an emotionally loaded conversation with mom over john and i. at that point, i thought that he was just being a man...completely irrational for thinking that i am overly paranoid. (wow, i can easily scratch my kneww in these jeans) actually, i was thinking that way all day. like "why is he making such a fuss?" but...as the day went on, i wrote him two emails, and it didn't really seem to be doing any good, trying to re-explain myself to him. depression kicked my ass...i took a nap. yet again, mom wakes me from my peaceful slumber (where in i was dreaming the most pleasent of dreams. john was here again, and we were at my aunts house, and having a merry little time. speaking of merry, i think it was christmas in the dream. i remember kissing him, and telling him that i love him with all my heart. and he looked up at me, and he had this huge smile on his face, and his eyes got wide, and he said the same. i smiled...and i was really really happy. then i realized that derek was behind me...we were leaving to go for a beer run...which makes no sense in my waking moments...because neither of us are old enough to purchase the alcohol yet. i just kept having dreams like that...always including something to the extent of the previous.) anywhoo..i was in a diturbed state of wearyness, and mom calls me..."kelly, come read this!" she proceeded to tell me that she talked to john. (i'm glad they get along, but...isn't that odd? she went on to read me the conversation as i was leaning over her shoulder. after the convo was read...i tried to understand it all...what can i do to fix this? i can't run away again. i can't keep running from all of my problems, specially not when someone like john is involved. i know that we can get through it all if we try...if i try. [checks on hour long download of phat trance 5...and wonders why the damn thing stopped last time, when it was only 30% away from being done?] i soon returned to the living room, ...to sulk. at which time, i was thinking...i need to escape from this...i need to smoke, i need to drink, i need to get out of here, i need to hang out with friends, i need to party, and if not any of those, i need to drive, and talk with derek. he usually always helps. but...mom was online, so i couldn't call, and i didn't want to disturb anyone so late. so...i sulked a little more. ate a slice of pizza that i really didn't even want...realized that if i smelled it for one more minute that i was going to puke on it...so i made my pilgrimage to the trash can, and threw it out...it was shitty pizza anyway. : / i, yet again returned to the living room...with a pepsi in my hand, and watched some little kiddie movies with the sibs. after speaking to mom at length about all of this...for what i hope will be the last time...i needed another nap. lol. so...i felt like i would start crying at any moment. so, i layed down on the couch, burried my face into a cushion...and i couldn't cry. was it the fact that i knew it would leave a spot on the plush leather? was it because i realized that no more than a week or two ago, john was sitting in that exact spot where my face was, and i could distictly smell his cologne on the cushion...remind me to ask him if the purposly puts cologne on his pants...lol. but...i was really itching to get online, to give him, yet another emotionally loaded peice of my mind. after a movie, i was in a slightly better mood. and, with the help of kimberly (my little princess sister. lol) she just wanted to make me feel better. we don't really talk about it when i'm having problems...i mean, come on, she's only 5. but...she looks in my eyes, and i look in hers...and it's like we really have a deeper understanding of what's going on. something more than words can say. she gave me a hug, and a few kisses, and though i didn't feel like i wanted to hold her, i did...cause i damn well knew that she was going to climb up on me anyway. i let her sit there. i let her look in my eyes...and see that my mind isn't in the best condition right now. she never just looks away when something is bothering me. she'll give me a hug, and tell me that she loves me. or that i'm her "bestest" sister ever. lol. when i am just annoyed at something...she knows it...she'll look away, to the tv, and hop down. usually not saying anything...like her help isn't needed. lol. what a great kid, huh? once mom finally got offline, i was more bored than a plank of pine, so i jumped at the chance to sign on. [i'm a compu-junkie...what do you expect!?!?!?] i proceeded to talk to mom again about my problem. what should i say to john? silence for a while, after the same old things were passed back and forth. then, i came up with it, and hoped that it wasn't a passing thought. i have to understand why this bothers him before i can fix it. before i can possibly realize how big a problem it really is. and i did. i put myself there...and it hurt. i wish i could have realized before. he must think i'm horrible. i hope that i explained myself well enough in my last email to him. i hope that things will get better, and i will get better....everything will be better...right? by the way...i reccomend reading my blog from bottom to top...or past to present. it is an intertwining tale. lol ~Kelly

2/15/2002 ah, the sweet smell of a new dwelling....well, i can almost smell it. lol. i haven't been to see it yet, or even know which one we will be moving into. all i know is that...i enjoy moving around every now and then. it gives me a new experiance, ya know? i think that the reason that i'm so nomadic is that i'm part gypsy...they had to run, so they wouldn't get caught swindeling $ from people. hell...isn't that the best living you can think of? i'm proud to be german (despite hitler) irish (despite the temper) dutch (despite the boring lifestyle they lead) welsh (despite...well, i'm sure there is something the matter with that, too) indian (despite the fact that i'm not enough indian :( ) and gypsy (despite the bad rep) i'm a euro-mutt, for the most part. :) i have dishes to do later...shoot me.

2/13/2002 things went well while john was here. i do wish that he were more verbal, but, he was getting there a few days before he left. i think he's a bit shy. when we were partying at my aunts house (2nd time) it was VERY fun. he really chilled, and he REALLY needs to do that with all the shit that's been goin' on right now. I hope that he had a genuinely good time while he was here. i did ask if he was glad that he came back, and he instantly answered with a "YEAH!" that really made me happy. i also wish that he was a little more physical toward me when we're not in the bedroom, but, again, he just needs to relax. he's so uptight right now, and i understand that completely. i just want to make him as happy as possible. i beleive that's the job of the girlfriend. :)

2/9/2002 i haven't written in a while. i've been a little pre-occupied. john is here. he came up for about 4 days...don't ask me the exact time, i was delerious when he got here, and i lost track of the date. lol. anyway, he's going to be able to stay until monday afternoon. i don't have much more to say. oh, he met my aunt kathie....aka:the oldest, most awesome head i know. :) well, she definately approved of him. i was happy, cause i don't want anyone to dislike him. i want them to see him the same way that i do. he's a really great guy, and i can't beleive that he's actually interrested in me. i don't think that i'm all that great at all. : / i'd really like to know what it is about me that actually attracts people to me. i've heard the whole personality, and sense of humor bit before...i don't think that either one are that great, in my case. sometimes, i have the personality of a rock, and the sense of humor of a drunken 13 year old. lol well, ...oh well. :)

2/6/2002 oh lord...shoot me now! today so sucked. it's only 4:10 (my time...PA, USA) oh well. first...there's millions of dishes to do, and i, being full of stupidity, accepted a bribe. i get a 30.00 pair of boots, in trade for doing the dishes. it's really a bargain, but...i just hate doing dishes so much. they're even more disgusting than usual too. note....don't make chocolate pudding in a pan, on the stove, unless you like that gross skin stuff, and when you decide that it looks just a little too chunky to eat, because of trying to mix the old pudding skin into the good pudding....don't let that pudding sit on the kitchen counter for a week before you decide to do dishes. i almost puked, and now that i think about it...i feel like i may puke again....EWWW! i talked to john last night, and after that, i felt a little better. he's on right now, and i'm talking to him, but i have a feeling that he's not really paying any attention to our conversation. oh well. :( it taking him eons to reply. whatever. :P let's see...i wanted mom to let me use the new vac today....she wouldn't let me use it until she did. what was that about?!?! poo hoo. today has to be one of the most boring days of my life. i swear...it's like watching grass grow...but not nearly as exciting. note:i now know why she wouldn't let me use it...i just got done using it...and i broke it. well, kind of. she fixed it, cause it wasn't really broke, just shoddy. they didn't even have the hose screwed in right. : /

2/5/2002 i can't say that today went as planned. i planned that i would be the most grateful woman in the world by 9pm tonight. not so. as you know, things can take an unexpected turn for the worse. oh, did they ever. i must have done some pretty awful things in a past life, because my karma doesn't seem to be working as well as i once thought. now i'm left depressed. chocolate and alcohol are helping a little ...hershy's and schnapps...beautiful. i've also got a raging toothache...wisdom teeth suck. on a brighter note, i finally got my permit today, and i also got a new pair of shoes. oh, and i can't forget about that subliminal message that i sent to mom...telling her to buy a new steamcleaner, and vaccume. i did write alot more than this on here earlier, but...i guess i took too long, and it logged me out :( so, none of my work was saved, and i got a little ticked.oh well. maybe i should make my entries shorter in the future. i just can't beleive this though...i found the perfect man...he's mine, forever, all i have to do is treat him right, and this big legal fiasco has to come into play. i now have honest distaste for law and order. :*(

2/4/2002 so, today is feb. 4, 2002. i was supposed to go get my learner's permit today...but the dmv isn't open on mondays. wish i would have known that three weeks ago. now i'm sad. but, at least i have a nice new place to write about it at. i cut my little brother's hair today. it looks nice. even i was surprised by the results. i tried to cut my little sister's hair, but she wanted nothing to do with it. i agreed...she does look really nice with the last cut i gave her. it gets messy so fast though. i wonder what my hair would look like if it were actually in a nice looking style. a long style, maybe. in the words of kimberly "well, you never know!" she's adorable. my mom was going to get back together with her ex husband. if she would have, i would have lost my babysitting job, because he would be watching them. i was devistated when i heard the news. when it fell through, i was joyus. this guy was a major jerk anyway. i'm glad that my grandmother threw a hissy fit when she found out. if not for her, he would be here. ick. well, john is online now...i'll tell you a bit about him later. but, for now, i'm going to go talk to him for a bit.