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I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?'
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My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don�t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.
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I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks �Are you reading that?" I didn�t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again
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A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
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My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
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Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!''
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''
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Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Patient: Go with the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: WHAT?! How about the bad news?
Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you that yesterday.
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Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me"
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want anohter man like you!"
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Q: What do you find in a clean nose?
A: Fingerprints!
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Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her"
"but God," the man says, "why did you make her so dump?"
god says: "So she would love you."
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At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn�t know gave me anything. Even the people I know don�t give me anything.
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Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
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One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says "Sometimes I feel I have the worst job in the world." Then the toilet paper yells, "Think again buddy!"
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Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven
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Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.
One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"
"you are on the ohter side," the other blonde yells back
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What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted.
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Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?
A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference!
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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