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alrighty..so here we go..
The trip to Honduras last year was the best and most important thing that happened to me until that time. there for the first time i felt like i was loved and that i loved. i was so affected by that trip and not returning was just not an option. so i went. in the weeks before, to be completely honest, i was a bit reluctant to go. why? i was scared. scared that it would affect the growing relationship between our youth groups but more afraid of what i would encounter there. Would they remember me? Would they be happy to see me? would anything have happened to the kids i came to know and love the previous year? dalin, noel, orlin, fernando, elcy, maria, and so on? i was so afraid i would be disappointed or something of the sort. but the day before missions, while i was doing QT, i read in Psalms 22: 5 that those who trusted in the Lord "were not disappointed." so that when i finally began to stop dwelling on such worries and just leave that to God. i fully believe i wouldnt be disappointed. and of course..i wasnt.
from the moment i arrived...i just felt so overjoyed, figety, oh i dont know. and then when i saw them..for the first time in a long time...i just well love just poured out of me! i wanted to i dont know. i was just so happy i was out of my mind. To see how those kids remembered me. wow. so then the days went by. and each day brought me closer with those children and with the urraco youth group as well.i was glad for that because last year..i only started like having real conversations with the youth group on the last day and i regretted not having known then better. but now i had another chance and i used it. we gossiped and found we are just the same. we laughed and kindness just flowed from both ends.and you know, it wasnt just me. Some of the other people, especially jen, i think, changed so much. i think that out of all the people from the team, she and i were the most similar in how honduras affected us. im so glad that you know, our team just got to know how much love is in the world. how kind people are. how selfless.
in our team, ive seem changes for the better, for the worse. but even if its for the worse, you know, thats okay. everyone has their flaws. MOst people dont acknowledge their own but i think its inhumane not to show those flaws. i think that its good to show flaws because thats what love is. Loving the good and loving the bad about each person. Being able to forgive, to forget, to trust, to be patient and so on. like honestly. i would rather have someone love me for who i am, not who they think i am. and thats something i love about those kids in honduras. they love me because i love them. they can see into my heart and know that my heart is filled with nothing but compassion for them; that i would never even think of hurting them.
now that im back. i dont know what i feel. last year i was just pitiful. i slept all day because being awake meant thinking about it, about them. i didnt watch tv, go online, or even carry my cell phone around. not because i felt bad because i had such luxuries..but because i felt so stupid that i was so dependent on them before. i cried like mad, slept like mad, i like completely lost it..i had like dreams, hallucinations, call it what you will. but this year..im doing alright. but i think ive taken to food as comfort. like i didnt even realize until like just now. after finished like a pack of chocolate covered waffers and a bag of munchies..in 10 minutes..buys bars of chocolate..yea..im so blind. even yesterday..i kept eating and didnt know why..even when i was like full.but other than that im doing okay. i've learned from last year..im going to start occuping myself. i cant say that i was more affected this year.i was expecting to feel some huge fullblown emotion like before but that wasnt the case. i just realized that there is no limit to love.
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