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so while writing that ^ i totally forgot what i came here to write about. The missions trip. how i changed. everything. i guess basically this will be my testmimony sort of. Its the only way to explain it. anyways... for the past year, i've been doubting. But not doubting in Gods love or anything. Nahh i dont really consider that doubt. BUt more doubting in Gods very existence. in Jesus. Not that he didnt perform those miracles but that he was the son of God. Because is there any proof? NO! The whole bible is biast. So anyways i've been doubting and whenever i approached someone about it, they would just be like thats why christianity is a religion of faith. you know that kind of stuff. But how was that to help me you know?thats the very reason i came to them. because i didnt have faith. Then after telling people like family, church teachers, pastors and such i turned to friends. Some wuld agree but this one particualr friend...she was so discouraging. The worst part of it was she was a christian. Saying she was reborn, acting like she was so holy, like she knew all. Telling me not to come to church, critizing me. its not like i made up these thoughts, these doubts purposely. it was how i felt and i needed guidance and help. BUt this one friend whom i trusted dearly just struck me down and i couldnt believe it. So during all these setbacks and after i would always pray to God. Everynight, every time i had a chance in church. i would pray. i would beg God to be patient with me to either help me overcome these doubts and have answers or just to help me rid of them. i kept praying for a year and them the oppourtunity came for missions. i dont even know why i wanted to go. it might have been because i kind of had that desire all my life. i cant explain it. But anyways i ended up going.
during missions training i started to feel differently. To tell you the truth i didnt like it. ALl my doubt, all these questions, i just kind of forgot about them. and i know that that was something i had asked for but still i just prayed i wouldnt forget them but understand them.i guess you dont really know how i felt unless you've truly been in doubt. but like after i just felt like if i began to believe again, and forget these doubts. it wouldnt be real. i honestly cant explain it. i just felt like i would be making it up because i hadnt overcome these doubts. i felt like it wouldnt be real, that i would be betraying myself. i promised myself that i wouldnt turn to God by forgetting my doubts. that i would be lying to myself if i did. does it make any sense? i just i really cant explain how i felt. i just i guess want to believe but have a real relationship with Christ. i just felt that i was tricking myself. And even now i still remember what i said to myself. but how can i stop believing. i like believing. even if i am betraying myself. but then again it says that in the bible. and it might not be used to refer to doubt. but maybe it does..to me. matthew 16:24 "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself..." So maybe what im doing is right. but who knows but God?
when i got to Urraco i guess i was expecting the worst. i was expecting many people to reject me and give me a hard time. BUt when i got there, what did i recieve but love and wwelcome? And also on the first day of VBS, almost everyone even upon like first glance know how shy and selfconscious i am, but i was able to talk to the children. i just felt so comfortable there. and i just truly believe that God had given me courage. And also what started out as just hola, como estas and other like polite language ended up in some cases to be true and sincere friendships.And because of these people, these children of God i was able to experience something i never knew before, love. i never knew what that meant until then. i just through thair love i was able to find God's.And my selfconsciousness? where did that go? when i was with them i felt no shame. i sang songs with them during my free time, taught them new songs and just felt amazing. but honestly though, through them i felt God. i knew God and they just taught me soo much. but over all, they taught me love.i just never experienced this before. i just love them to death. literally. i would die for them and same for God. like now if God asked me to give up my life, give up school my whole future to go to some strange country to do his work i would do it, ever willingly. and i guess thats just a big things for me because im the kind of person who has my whole life planned. im an overachiever. i want to go to an ivy league school get a job where i would be respected. a job that would make my parents proud. and i know that if God does ask me to do this, it will be later on in the future when i would have SO much to lose. when it would be the hardest to give up my life. but i would do it. For God. And now like i have given my life over to him. While i was writing a lengthy email to junia something hit me. (this is just summarizing how i felt when i decided i would give up my life for God)i do offer up my life to him. When junia asked if we would give ourselves to God, i didnt raise my hand. Whenever any pastor or anyone would say to give up our lives to God. i never did. in fact i always wondered how do i know when to raise my hand? maybe what im feeling is what those people with thair hands up are feeling. Maybe i should be raising my hand too. but now i know. and its such a relief.i just know now that all i have to do is try my hardest in school. i dont have to worry about where im going because i know God will chose for me. its such a load off my chest.
but in all honestly. i just feel that God is with me. That he has blessed me. Been with me all thoughout my life, waiting. i know i was meant to be part of that trip and most i trust HIM completely.
i told you it was lengthy..if you even got this far
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