Posted by ToAll...PlzRead [Scallywagger] on November 14, 1999 at 15:55:47 {fiuUEQ5dxUpMuytWXWd2oYsWI6yeU2}:
In Reply to: *HOSTILITY posted by ExDub on November 14, 1999 at 14:47:26:
...you posess(excuse my spelling)here. I too took benefit here from what you say.
Let me ask you this then, assuming, and I absolutely abhor that characteristic of mine sometimes, that you have read several of MY posts, do you, in your expressed familiarity w/ grief, see grief in my posts? Residual grief, that is. What I mean is this...
When I was dfed 22 y-ago at the age of one week before 18, I was severed from my family. Now keep in mind that at age 10, the rug was pulled out from underneath me(so to speak) and family relations were severed as well...back then. So at 18, that was the second time that my heart was cut with that serrated "knife". If I'd of had the choice, i'd prefer it to be ripped out instead. The serration seems to cause more damage, you know?
So when I was dfed, mom kicked my @ss out and incidently sleeps with the very elder who did the dirty deed, every night(one component to the rage). Up until approx. 7 mo. ago, I had sincerely and honestly inventorialized my life thru AA program and really thought I had come thru the grief process without too much damage due to that "knife". But something just kept gnawing at me even after i did the 10th step. Something still was causing a smoldering inside me, yet i couldn't put my finger on "it". I remember even in my most exhausting crying sessions and unbelievable emotional dreams at night, that there was STILL something that was screwing w/ me...besides the fact that i was born in germany in '59 w/ a severe physical disability (at the time), dad molested me right out of the hospital, gave up my son at age 7, gave birth again 12 yrs later and still have her, mom is still in denial over wt crap, rage is a everyday thing that must be always in check, plus other components to the rage that would take me wayyyy too long to post. Piecemeal w/ me please. So suffice to say, i've had a lot of grief. But NOTHING compared to what rocked MY very foundation and spirit, and put the "it" into a place where I knew what "it" finally was...and that is when, in the month of March '99, my sister sent me Ray Franz' book and told me about Randy Watters and Freeminds. Even as she told me over the phone what happened in Bethel in '80, it didn't prepare me for the grief that I NOW seem to have like the plague. Do you understand what i mean? Is what i'm going thru now since being on the net for 6mo and exposing myself to everything available, a sort of grieving process as expressed in my posts. Because as you stated in your post, people grieve in every way. Yet at times, people seem to think it's not grief. Or, they simply forget that anger is part of that process yet they get on you for it instead of understanding it. Do you see what i mean?
My posts will be 100 % of whats going on inside of me at that time. nothing is fake or sugar-coated with me. When the "2x4" hit me mo ago any trust i ever had in anybody vanished and the rage set in and the walls went up. And lying and fabricating and manipulating have been, sadly put upon me at a tender age. AND THAT MESSES WITH ME ALL THE TIME. I grieve for my spirit as it was in the beginning. thats excruciating to deal w/ at times.~sigh~
Can you tell from my posts that i'm either crazy, foolhearted, dellusional, getting a grasp or what? Because I need to know if what i post is good because i'm being honest or bad because i hold too much grief?
thats all for now, thanx for your attention