So we left Buckley town in a GMC Suburban filled with possibly the coolest people ever to grace the presence of the undeniably existant God's green earth(1). It was about 8:45 am EST(2). We had the back filled with approximately 84 beers and 1 gallon and 1 fifth of vodka to be used as a precusor to the nights entertainment. Well the action started as soon as we got on the road, because we had fogotten some of the tickets back at the house so we had to turn around and get them. Yeah, I know your saying that doesn't sound very action packed, well I hadn't told you about the Evil Demented Cyborg Pirate Monkey Robots that were sent by our arch nemesis Mr. Creator of the Evil Demented Cyborg Pirate Monkey Robots. So of course hours were spent fighting off the viscious bastards, after which we threw a gigantic party in the back of the suburban to celebrate our victory. This alone took hours.(3)
So after our huge party celebrating how awesome the party we had because we kicked those EDCPMRs asses was, we hopped in our time machine, cleverly avoided the EDCPMRs and got the tickets right quick(6). Then we stopped at the gas station bought us some frozen water and hit the road for the home of the best 76 gas station Subway sandwich store combo place in the world: George Washington. Along the way we finished off all of the beer and the vodka (don't worry the driver wasn't drinking the beer) and we blasted the tunes as we sped away from all the cops through the many vast pastures and deserted areas of the eastern half of the great Evergreen State.
Once the cops were taken care of and the dead molested (by the cops, sheesh you're so accusative) cows were buried we arrived at the George Parking Lot/Campground. Where we immediately started cracking open the beers and the vodka and drank till some dudes came up and we had to kill them, after which of course we had to kill all of the witnesses and their friends, cause who knows if they had talked, and of course we had to kill the the authorities. Anyways, by the time we got to the Gorge Ampitheatre it was packed. So by harnessing all the power of the Seven Jade Tiger Crystals of Scion and all the knowledge from games like Tenchu and Shinobi we were able to slaughter everyone waiting on line(7), even the people who looked like they might be thinking about getting in line, and their families and the dudes checking tickets, we were inevitably first in line. So we let the ticket dudes scan our tickets and proceeded into what I like to call Kickassnomadville, a one night community where everyone wants to make money and everyone loves eachother.
Lucky for us nobody even patted us down so we were able to sneak in all of our weapons, including but not limited to: 9 9mm semi-automatic handguns, 5 kitanas, 1 grenade and 37 broadswords(8). We immediately went down to the main stage, and rocked to the best band of the night, My Chemical Romance, where my friend Jake got kicked in the head by a crowd surfer so we left a broadsword in his gut, then murdered all the surrounding people. After which the lead singer from MCR told us how cool we were, but we thought he was joking for a sec so my friend Matt bit his throat out. Thats how Matt does it mostly, with his hands...err teeth. So then we met Jesus, told him his dad sucks(10) and proceeded to rock out to the rest of the awesome bands present this year at the show. To name a few I'd have to type them out so I won't name any.
So by then end of the night everybody was satisfied musically and we headed back to the parking lot/campground for some good times. This is where some serious drinking started happening, which inevitably led to some disturbance into our fun by the authorities, which we killed, by challenging to the long forgotten Death Challenge where they of course lost(11). Anyways, "Old Times" showed up so I chatted it up with them, some would call it a waste of time when there was coitus to be had, but to me coitus is just sex....hmmm maybe it was a waste of time. My friends had some wierd orgy thing going on, aite, thats it I'm just depressed now. This story is over.
So we woke up the next morning chipper and alert to say the least. We were suprised and elated to find we were able to consume all of the alcohol that was brought with us, though nobody can remember the actual events of the night(12). We packed up our business, buried the bodies we had forgotten about, left a nice note for the police, and headed back to Buckly Town USA. Later that day when we were watching the news we got a big crack out of the the story that there were no survivors of this years warped tour, and only a vague noted stating, "The devil made me do it." Aww I love those crazies and their mass suicides. Good thing were weren't there(13).
To sum it up real nice, Go to the Vans Warped Tour 2005 at the Gorge in George next year or forever be considered a fool by about 8 people who you will probably never meet.
(1) God does not undeniably exist, in fact most of my friends and myself don't believe in a higher power.
(2) It was actually PST. Sucker. You Lose.
(3) It actually only took one hour.(4)
(4) It actually never happened(5)
(5) We did forget the tickets and had to go back and get those. That part was true.
(6) It wasn't actually our time machine. It was Bill and Ted's.
(7) They were actually waiting in line. Go back to NY you fuck.
(8) We actually only brought 36 broadswords.(9)
(9) No it was 37.
(10) This actually happened before.
(11) The Death Challenge is actually not long forgotten, thats the Death Punching Killing Move of Death and Doom. Yeah thats the one thats long forgotten.
(12) Everybody can remember the events of the night. Don't be stupid.
(13) We actually killed everybody. Sheesh, do I have to spell it out for you.....