"Good morning class!" Mrs. Hicksville sang to us with gayness.

No one responded.   A few polite students made an effort to lift their heads from their desks but failed.

"Today I'm going to introduce the basics of life to you.   Can anyone tell me what all organisms need to live?"

Silence.

"Anyone?   Anyone?" Mrs. Hicksville asked in vain.

Deadening silence.

"Dave!   You know don't you?"

"Nope." Dave replied, yawned, and fell asleep.

"I don't believe this.   Alright I'll give you a hint.   It begins with 'w'," Mrs. H conceded, "Billy, do you know?"

"Women?" Billy guessed.

Some girls giggle.

"No...I'll give you another hint.   It has the letters w-a-t-e-r in it.   Billy do you have another idea?"

"Several women?" Billy guessed with more certainty.

Dolce punches Billy from behind.   Billy whines in pain.   The class laughs.

"No.   All organisms need water to live."

"Ooo.   I see.   Several wet women." Billy said in enlightenment.

Several guys chuckle.

"Well this is good!   We've gotten very far!" Mrs. H congratulated herself. "So let's continue.   What's another thing that organisms need to survive?   Billy?"

Billy farts.   Dolce screams in agony.

"Ummm...I'm running out of ideas." Billy answered.

"Dave?"

"What?!" Dave protested. "You called on me already."

"You know Dave is right," Mrs. H declared, "Is there anyone in this class other than Dave and Billy."

"Yeah but you don't call on anyone else and no one raises their hand anyway." A girl told her.

"Fine.   Nancy do you know?" Mrs. H asks.

Billy farts again.   The class erupts into laughter as the people seated around Billy flee the area.   When the class calms, the bell rings.

Dead Cats

"Can anyone tell me what rigor mortis is?" Mrs. Hicksville asks us.

"Ooo!   Oh!   I know!" Eric exclaimed as his hand shot into the air.

"Yes, Eric." Mrs. H called on him eagerly.

"It's like when like someone dies their muscles like still move."

"Right.   The atp makes the--"

"Do cats do that when they die?" Eric raised his hand.

"Well sure. Why--"

"When my cat died we thought it was still alive.   It was twitching like crazy--we thought it had some disease or something."

"Oh.   Anyway let's move on."

"Do you know if cats would have bladder problems when they die?   When mine died--man!   Its crap was everywhere!"

"I don't think so..." Mrs. H was somewhat troubled by this.

"And god do cats scream when they die," Eric continued with more fervor.

"Why, you could here it from where you were?"

"Well actually I was sitting in the rocking chair and I fell asleep.   I didn't know it but the cat--it was just a kitten--slept under the rocker of the chair.   When I woke and got up, I guess I snapped its neck.   It went like SNAP and the cat screamed like EEEEEEEEE!"

"Oh my." Mrs. H was horrified, "So you killed the cat?"

"No!   Well yeah I did...I didn't do it on purpose!   But that was the loudest snap and scream I've ever heard." Eric began to laugh nervously.

"Ugh!   Eric how could you?" Jenna asked.

"We took it to the vet," Eric said in his defense and sobbed, "The vet said there was nothing he could do!   But I said, 'NO!   It's still moving.   It's alive I tell you!'"

"So then what did you do?   Did you save your cat's life?" Billy asked.

"In fact I did.   I took it home against the advice of all my family and friends.   I gave it a bath and fed it.   It's doing fine now.   AND NO ONE IS GOING TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME.   Pussy might smell bad and he might not be in such good shape but that's because he getting older."

"So can anyone tell me what muscular dystrophy is?" Mrs. H asked.

"So Mrs. H, how did your cat die?" Eric interrupted again with enthusiasm.

The Evil Penguin is lurking...