SHEER DRIVEL (1995)

(which if you ask me is anyday better than long lines of poetry)

Phonetics is as phoney as they make it or so was the impression that I was under until I heard the magical voice of a female over the radio. The imagination runs wild at the sight of a beautiful face or so I have heard but that a voice could descend like magic into one's system I hadn't believed until, as I said, I heard this voice. Stuffed with images and pictures drawn from ficititious characters that one had read when one was young, the mind plays tricks on one's system untiil it starts dishing stuff like this. Whether one should call it inspiration or confusion only the forlorn poet can tell or the crying duck. Why the crying duck, you might well ask. I will tell you ... but that will be digressing from the point which, if you remember, was about phonetics so we will get back to it. Communication, if you think hard on it, is only a means to get familiar with one another's minds but when you reeally get deep down into it you will find it difficult to ignore that grammar and voice too are elements that cannot be ignored. Now before you dismiss this as a piece of lecture, on the verge of being categorised as mere drivel from a nut, let me assure you it is not so. Communication is vital to the functioning of the society is an acknowledged fact but did you know that communication is akin to chemistry when it comes to matters of heart and human relations. When a boy meets a girl or vice-versa, the chemical reaction between them comprises of, among many things, a palpating heart, a sick feeling in the pits of the stomach, a state of indigestion for months and a general loss of health. If you are the person who likes to listen into friendly advice then indulge in this. Love is everything, to put it more strongly, love is the be all and end all of everything, if you understand what I mean. I speak from experience, of course, so don't let your grandma tell you anything better. I am so experienced in matters of love and heart that my heart is quite sick of it and refuses to budge when it feels a beautiful girl within ten metres of it. That reminds me, I was on the point of telling you about this g=dream voice I had heard over the radio. It's gee whiz. In fact, it is so gee whiz that when I heard it the first time I remember I was grinning for minutes on the trot for no reason at all. This is one of my faultss. I do the most stupid things at the most stupid times. I remember when I was young and in my pre-school, the bell had rung and it was time for a new subject. Seconds passed into minutes but still there was no sign of my teacher. I looked at my neighbout and almost in unison everyone looked at me, so to do something I ventured to look out of the window when I felt a cold hand on my shoulder. Turning I got a wallop of a slap that sent my head a good ten degrees to the north and had me stunned for seconds. Anyway, to get back to the voice. The first time I heard it it hit mee like one of Mike Tyson's knockout punches. Wham ! I was in love I told myself, but my heart would have none of it. I had been in love a zillion times and eeverytime it was my poor heart that suffered at the end and it was far too experienced by now to fall into the same old trap. Love turns your heart all mushy and as yellow as malaria or jaundice or whatever. And because of this the mind is unable to cope with curious behaviour on the part of the individual and caves in. Anyway, as I was saying, this girl with the great voice. The funny thing about girls is that they are not...what do you call it...they are not something, if you know what I mean. You expect them to be so and so and they turn out to be not so and so after all. I mean, if a girl should be so-and-so then she should be so-and-so they can't seem to be so-and-so and in the end turn out to be not so-and-so after all. It is like the peacock, if you know what I mean. It's got such a lousy voice but it's quite good looking to look at, don't ya think ? What I mean is, this girl with the bubbly voice. Do you think she will be beautiful ? She's got a dream voice and by the sound of it she is, well... you know what I mean, don't ya ? But then that reminds me, never trust a girl who is good looking or so Hitler said and he was a big man so I must heed his word. I mean, after all he shook the world, didn't he and not everybody can do that. He said that a girl is beautiful only from afar and the moment she comes within kissing range you begin to notice the dark circles under the eyes, the mean slash of a mouth, a dead nose for a per one etc. and you generally begin to lose interest in life. So it was when I first heard this opinion from someone I decided to be like Sir Charles Chaplin in matters of heart. That is, when rejected by a girl to take things lying down with a by-your leave from your heart of course and let things generally cool down. Believe me, this is as solid an advice you can get, for nobody's heart could have got kicked around like mine has been and mine has been kicked around like nobody's business. Reminds me it wasn't Hitler who said that it was our friend Charlie. Anyway, to get back to the point it iss generally too late. I like to indulge too much in fancy words, I guess. Tell you of an instance when this fault of mine let me down. I was there sitting with a girl o mine having a cup of coffee...actually, to confess, I was having coffee she wasn't. I was generally talking and she was listening and when I wasn't talking she would simply look at the scenery around her. It was the first time I had taken a girl out and was quite scared about how I looked and behaved in front of her and I guess, I generally made an ass of myself. I talked on and on, which incidentally is another fault of mine, eeven though, another female had quite decisively branded me as the strong and silent type, little knowing that I am just generally the plain, simple, dumb guy in front of girls. I talked on everything from how unsociable the society was getting and how corrupt the politicians were and how I was thinking of taking up filmmaking as a carreer to how we should manipulate the stage for the next play, incidentally, I am a theatre enthusiast, which in no way justifies my behaviour that day, and generally bored the wits out of her. She very promptly went and fell in love with someone else the very next day and my heart kicked in like the engine of an ole Morris. That reminds me I have to ask Pele as to how his foot is, for boy, hass he kicked some balls. No offence meant, but why are beautiful girls beautiful. I mean it doesn't make any sense does it, it only results in umpteen broken hearts lying strewn all over the place. No good is my concluion. Reminds me of another sage saying. Over alcohol never trust yourself leave alone others and this can be read many times over. During one of my many broken hearts sessions, I and my friend were generally drowning ourselves in pegs of self-pity and whisky when I generally asked my friend what made a man tick ? He misunderstood the question and said he didn't have a quartz watch so couldn't comment on it. I remember even in that drunk state of mind that something about the answer didn't strike as correct. It was only a year or two later did I come to know that that person was not my friend at all but my sworn enemy. This is another of my faults I hardly know who is who if you know what I mean. Come to think of it, I seem to have quite a few faults. Pity of the whole thing is no girl seems to have the time or heart for me. But I think it is generally my fault again, no, I am not all that self-effacing. I think i flatter a girl a wee bit too much, so much so that she generally lends up falling for her own self. Anyway, I was talking to you about this most divine, syrupy, peppy, brilliant, bewitching, crystalline, joyous, impeccable, perfect, beautiful, lovely, luscious, sexy, pretty, wonderful, heavenly...I think that's about it, of a voice. The minute I heard it I told myself, Johnny, my boy, you are in love, but my heart would have notthing of it and closed itself as tightly as what have you. It was too experienced by now to fall for my opinions on love. But I am repeating myself. Tell you what and this is no drivel. There cannot be a better voice than that, nightingale or no nightingale and you can take that with a glassful of water with a teaspoonful sugar in it and see if it doesn't send you to the moon. There are voices and there are voices but there are some voices which are different from other voices and so it is with this voice that there is something which makes it different from other voices and hey, wait a minute... there is this other voice which is fabulous, exhilirating, fresh, full of life, and generally beckoning you to have a good time, all yoddly and ricvetakitaliknamtitek and menderin....I think I had better wind up.