Before Star
Trek the original series, there was a day when things were not so
taken-for-granted. A day when things were done the hard way. True, they didn't hand-wash
their clothes and string them over the warm enerjator nacelles to dry; and yes, they did
have electricity, but just barely! Find out how they ever got along... let alone survived
episode 1 of this prequel! (Will they even do that?) Tune in now, to... MacIllrouy: Captain, we have contact with a hostile salient I mean savory I mean sapien... Oh, what do I mean...
Kirk: Sentinent?
Rosenblaum: I think you mean pertinent, Captain.
Kirk: No, that would be ... impertinent. It would not pertain. Salacious?
Higgs: Salamander?
MacIllrouy: Sen... Sentient!! SENTIENT BEANS, I mean BE-INGS, are about to NUKE OUR VESSEL! Nuke, or whatever word we use now in the future...
Kirk: Put them on the... Main blinking light.
(all eyes now on blinking light, a simple upright light bulb mounted on a platform where you would expect to see a Viewscreen) (...this is, after all, PRE -TREK...) (...a prequel)
(Light blinks, flashing to match intensity of incoming audio message)
Loudspeaker: (emits sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher) ...wa WAA wa WAAH wa wa WAAAAHHH...
Kirk: Ingraham, can you interpret through the newly developed, SEMI-UNIVERSAL TRANSLATOR?
Ingraham: Switching...
Loudspeaker: (a deep monotone male menacing voice, same voice as the creepy Balok alien from original Trek episode The Corbomite Maneuver:) ...means necessary you ...must validate... unit... demands or else...
Kirk: What are they saying? Try inversing the diaptitude.. the die-dipp-ta... whatever that thing you do there when you do that thing... You know... Make it so. Make it that way. (gestures, rapidly:) Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah ...
Loudspeaker: You of the white vessel on fishlines. Yes you. You know who I'm talking to. You. You there! Hey! Come here and me tell you this thing now. You tresplant on mercurate propendum. Did you not view our post-it-note.
Ingraham (embarassed over his translator): Sorry, sir, the thing�s still being developed. Surely he meant "interoffice memo".
Kirk (wryly): Surely.
Loudspeaker: You will surrender the platitude. You will divest the manage undecipherable. You will return the unintelligible or we will verb your vessel.
MacIllrouy (amused): ...THAT sounded menacing.
DeLully (to Ingraham, mocking): I'm shakin'! He's gonna verb our vessel !
(Laughter among crew, except for Kirk)
Kirk (nodding towards Translator): Can it go both ways? Can he hear me ? Am I on? ... Testing. HELLO there... Nice day. Uh... We were, ... Let me introduce myself. (slowly) I, am Captain Kirk. Of the United Combination of Spacebodies. We come in peace. We ah...
Loudspeaker: Silence! You talk me listen... OHHH, You know what intimidate I mean say together words!! You are putty in our esteem. Listen you, Captain Adjectival of your noun phrase. I am a sentinent (same wrong word used earlier) being.
Kirk: I think you mean sentient... and by the way, uh, the name's almost right there, alien buddy; I am, CAPTAIN KIRK...
Loudspeaker: I am beginning to doubt your sentinent (wrong word again) being status. And yes I know, I talk to (regains serious menacing tone) YOU, CAPTAIN ADJECTIVAL. Now right now, you rendez les devoirs toute suite! D'accord?!
Ingraham: Sorry, sir, the translator's switched to French. It was helping me do my French homework... (makes adjustment)
Loudspeaker: ...Render the noun phrase or we will verb your vessel! Final warning!
Kirk (trying to stall, think fast, in other words, Pull a Kirk): Uh... Why would we have your thingamavitz? Did uh... Did we borrow it? Ingraham, Did you borrow the nice space alien's blagamaflob?
Loudspeaker: Your word utterances are unintelligible! You will not gain adjective sympathy or stall to remit time for game credits! Insert coin now!
Kirk: Okay, mister space-alien, you're right. We borrowed your jubeckieblitz and uh ... forgot to return it. How Rude! Please, allow us to come over there and return it! (under his breath to Ingraham) turn that thing back onto French! (to alien) We order a small bread now with cheese, every Wednesday-- near the train station.
Loudspeaker: Wha-... What... What!!! YOU SPEAK RIGHT WORDS! Self-reference to alien was NOT succesful in French in youth-learning phase! Not fair. You come over with noun phrase or we will REALLY verb your adjective phrase deformed vessel!
Kirk: To the Translocater platform!
(switch to translocator set... all of landing party assembles on pads, facing forward, except for one goof-off, who is facing backwards)
Kirk (peeved): DeLully!
(DeLully turns around, snickering)
Kirk: All right, everyone! Everything set? Let's get energized!
(excited landing party CLAPS once in unison, as if football players breaking a huddle, and breaks formation, all moving quickly off the pads to a door marked with a typical earth-vintage EXIT sign)
(Remember, not everything has been invented yet on PRE-TREK ! )
**This is a partial script. The author, before finishing it, died of embarassment. Or maybe he got a life.**
� 2003 John O'Leary, from his book I Am Not A Geek! Really! ...No such book, REALLY.
Dorky graphic also � 2003 John O'Leary