"Marriage is a sacred unity that should not be entered into lightly," the minister stated seriously to the group around him. The bride and groom were gazing into each other's eyes, hands grasping one another as they listened to the minister's words. "Doubts and objections serve only to crush the holy bond of husband and wife. Therefore, if there any objections to the marriage of this man to this woman speak now or forever hold your piece." Not surprisingly, everyone in attendance remained silent. "Very well. May we now have the rings?" The groom didn't even turn to his best man; he was so engrossed in the woman before him. The best man, on the other hand, reached into his pockets and frowned. The groom's eyes got wider after a minute when he realized what was happening.
"Give me the rings," he whispered nervously, keeping a frozen smile on his face for the cameras that were snapping pictures.
"Hold…hold on a sec," the best man tried to stall casually, still smiling, as he patted down his pockets.
"Sam!" the groom hissed, getting scared but keeping the grin on his face. "Where the hell are they?"
He began searching the linings of his jackets. "I…I put them here this morning," he frantically replied, glancing into the crowd to try to keep up appearances. But the crowd had started to pick up on what was happening and murmurs began to circulate through the crowd. The bride started to panic as well.
"You lost the rings?" she whispered astounded to the best man.
"No!" he declared adamantly, his smiling slipping from his face. "No I did not lose the rings! I just…just…have no idea where the hell they are. Oh God!" he cried, hiding his face in shame.
The groom turned fully to him, giving up all pretenses of control even for the print media at the event, and said, "You better figure out where the hell they are. Damn it, I knew I should have given this responsibility to someone else."
"Who would you have given it to?" the bride asked curiously, more amused by the situation than angered by it.
"A chicken with its head cut off could have done this better than him!" the groom pronounced frustrated.
"Excuse me?" a little voice asked.
"When was the last time you remember having them?" the maid of honor asked calmly, trying to take control.
Sam thought for a second. "Right before I came down here. I was in the restroom making a final check and I know I had them then!"
"Excuse me," the voice again, louder this time.
"Could they fallen out of your pocket when you were walking down?" the minister offered. The crowd was now openly talking out loud, some worriedly and some finding humor in the situation. "That happens sometimes. I remember this one Greek wedding I did, the rings somehow ended up in the baklava…" he began to reminisce.
"No, they were still in the box. I would have noticed."
"Well given your track record for not noticing small details, such as rings, that statement doesn't' really inspire a whole lot of confidence," the groom shot running a hand through his hair.
"Look I did the best that I could under the circumstances!" the best man whispered angrily. "If you had waited a few more weeks, giving me some more time, I could have prepared better for this, and I might not have been so nervous I forgot where the hell I put the rings!"
"It's not my fault we had to move up the date!" the groom countered, still whispering, getting in the face of his best man.
"No it's the fault of the bartender who got you so hammered you forgot how to put a condom on!" He turned to the crowd. "Which, by the way, is the real reason you have the armed federal agents surrounding the perimeter," he told them.
A collective gasp rose up from the crowd once again, this time not in a good way. Even thought they hadn't heard the previous comment, they could tell something was up. The groom had to be held back from attacking the best man by the bridesmaids, the bride was blushing furiously, the groomsmen were still hung over from the bachelor party the night before, half the groom's family had refused to show up based on the fact he was marrying outside of the religion, and the minister looked like he was going to faint. The wedding had gone from social event of the season to a bad Jerry Springer episode, all in the span of two minutes. In the chaos, the little voice that had been beckoning to them earlier spoke again.
"Hey!" it finally shouted to entire crowd, hushing them up. "Cool," she said, admiring her handiwork.
The groom took a deep breath to calm himself down and looked down at the source. "Emma, what is it? We're kind of having a little bit of a crisis here at the moment, so if you have to go to the bathroom, just show a little self-control for the time being."
"I don't have to go. I went this morning. Unlike some people…" she hinted eyeing Sam, who was now reduced to being beat up by a five year-old.
"Then what is it?"
"I have the rings," she said sweetly. The wedding party looked at her stunned as she pulled the rings out of the little pocket in her dress. The best man sent up a prayer of thanks to the heavens and the crowd quieted to watch the exchange.
"Sweetie how did you get these?" the bride asked as her fiancée reached for them quickly, as if they'd disappear if he didn't get to them fast enough.
"I got them out of his pocket," Emma pointed to the best man, "when he was in the bathroom. It was actually pretty easy. By the way," she said to him, "I liked your version of 'What's Love Got to Do with It'. I didn't know grown men sang in bathrooms stalls, especially White House ones."
"Emma Antonia, why did you this?" the groom asked her sternly.
"Because someone told me to."
"What kind of moronic, sadistic individual would do this to a guy on his wedding day?" he wondered out loud.
"The kind who's on the top of the list of the Constitutional Order of Succession," a voice boomed from the crowd. The groom turned slowly to find Jed Bartlet grinning evilly at him. "Just a little joke to liven up the day," he commented casually.
"A…a very funny one, sir," he managed to get out.
"Yes I thought so myself. And thank you, my dear," he said to Emma. "Job well done, Emma. Now don't you have some other business to attend to?" he cocked his head towards the bride who was trying to control her laughter.
"Of course, sir" he turned back to his almost-wife and took her hands in his own again, giving her a smile. Father?" he said turning back to the minister. The minister's face was bright red and he looked like he needed a drink. "Father? The ring exchange?" he urged.
"Oh yes, terribly sorry," he stammered. "Not something you see at every wedding." He opened the Bible again and took a breath to compose himself. "Very well then." He turned to the groom. "Please repeat after me. I…"