Josh and Donna sullenly entered their apartment the day the country buried their First Lady. The service had been a somber gathering of Washington DC's political community as well as the heads of state from other nations and captains of industry. A massive gathering took place at the same church where Mrs. Landingham had been buried not more than two years ago. Then, they were burying a part of the President's life; today, they were burying his entire world.
The President had sat in the front pew, flanked by his daughters and grandchildren. Leo was right behind him, supporting him, as he'd been for so many years now. The rest of the staff was sitting clumped together a few rows down from their leader, along with T.J., who sat with his sister and Josh, feeling that Ellie should be with her family today. And everyone else was seated somewhere, though no one really cared who or where. The entire church was packed to the brim and citizens lined the sidewalk for miles outside to pay their respects to this great woman.
The service was long and emotional but not nearly as sad as the one that had taken place four days after the death of Abigail Anne Bartlet. That service had been in New Hampshire, in a tiny church where nearly forty years ago, a young Josiah Bartlet had married a beautiful med student named Abigail Barrington and where all their daughters had since been baptized. It had been attended by a small contingent of family and close friends including the staff that had pushed Abbey Bartlet and her husband from relative privacy to the heart of the nation's government. They'd buried her on the Bartlet family farm under the tree where young Jed had first asked her to be his wife. Everyone tried to hold their emotions in check that day, for the sake of the President and girls, but at the site of that wooden box being lowered into the earth and the most powerful man in the world openly weeping, no one had been able to resist the urge to cry at the injustice of it all.
Now, back in Washington, they had all parted for the time being but with heavier hearts. Decisions needed to be made once again but no one was strong enough right now to deal with it. So Leo, their ever-dependable father, had sent them all home to regroup after the mass. Which is where Josh and Donna found themselves at the moment.
"It was a beautiful service," Josh said in complete monotone when they walked into the apartment. The turmoil of the past few weeks was taking its toll on him. Donna had been awakened the previous three nights by his violent thrashing and panting when he'd been trapped in nightmares he couldn't even articulate to himself. He took their jackets and went to hang them in the hall closet.
"Yeah," Donna agreed tears evident in her voice. She wiped at her eyes with both hands and cleared her throat. "Emma? Nicole? We're home," she called a little shakily.
"Hi Mommy," the girl called as she scampered into the room freely. She ran up to her mother and wrapped her arms around her legs. Donna smiled and rested her hand on her little girl's head. "Guess what I did today?" she challenged.
"Well I gather it had something to do with all the paint that is covering you at the moment," Donna guessed, bending down to look at the girl. Splashes of paint were all over her shirts, hands, and face. She had never looked as beautiful or precious as she did that moment, at least to Donna.
"Yep, I drew pictures with Aunt Nicole while you and Daddy were gone. Where's Daddy now?"
"He's right behind you," Josh announced. He scooped the child into his arms and simultaneously started kissing and tickling her, causing Emma to squeal in delight. Donna could tell that while he was genuinely happy to see his daughter, he was putting on a brave face for her at the moment. Nicole came in just then, covered in paint but decidedly more somber than her niece. She'd flown back as soon as she got word of the First Lady's death and had been helping to care for Emma while Josh and Donna set about the roles they'd have to carry out in the next few weeks.
"Hey guys," she greeted them, putting a hand on her sister's shoulder and giving it a squeeze. "How was it?"
"It was, uh, okay." Donna was getting teary just thinking about it and Josh hugged his daughter closer to him when he remembered the desolate expressions on the faces of everyone that day.
"How was what?" Emma asked curiously. "Where did you go?"
Josh and Donna had still not come up with a proper way to explain the death of Abbey Bartlet, a woman whom Emma had spent just as much time with as her own mother in the past few months, to the little girl so they had made excuses for their New Hampshire trip and Josh's frequent late nights at the office. But their window of leeway was fast closing.
"You know what, Emma, why don't you go finish that picture we were drawing before?" Nicole suggested. "Your parents and I need to talk about grown-up things right now, okay?"
"Okay," she said, sensing she shouldn't be there right then. She kissed Josh on the cheek as he lowered her to the ground and hugged her mother before she set out to finish the drawing. Nicole and Donna took seats on the couch while Josh went to go grab beverages for the trio from the kitchen.
"So how are you holding up?" Nicole asked the couple when they were all situated.
"We'll be okay," Donna replied, taking Josh's hand. He brought their joined hands to his lips and placed a kiss on Donna's knuckles. "It's just going to take some time."
"Did you talk to T.J. at all?" Nicole asked.
"Yeah we sat with him at the service," Josh told her. "He seemed okay. Really worried about Ellie and things like that. He went back with her to the Residence to be there for the will reading and all that."
"I watched some of the service on TV while Emma was napping," Nicole said, thinking of nothing else to say. "It was…very beautiful" She tried to swallow back her tears but it was to no use. She started crying quietly and she brought up her hand to her mouth to try to stifle her tears. "I'm sorry," she told them remorsefully. "I know I didn't know her nearly as well as you did but she was still…"
"It's okay," Donna comforted her sister by reaching over and pulling her into her arms. "She was your First Lady too. It's okay to cry about." Nicole's sobs began to ebb off finally and she began to compose herself. Donna went to get her some tissues.
She looked at Josh then, asking him what every American wanted to know right now. "How's the President doing?"
Josh gave her the only answer they had. "I don't know. None of us do, not even Leo. Which I didn't think was possible."
"Do you think he'll resign?"
Josh didn't have the chance to Nicole that she was crazy as Emma called out from her room, "Aunt Nicole! I need your help please!"
"Coming Emma!" she answered, getting up and taking the tissues that Donna handed her when she reentered. Nicole went back to the girl's room, leaving Josh and Donna alone again. Donna noticed the pensive look he had on his face.
"What's wrong?" she asked, sitting next to him again.
"What isn't wrong?" Josh countered sarcastically. He shook his head and rubbed the back of neck. "Nicole just asked me if I thought the President was going to resign."
"What did you say?"
"I didn't get to answer but if I had, I would've told her she was insane. Of course he's not going to resign."
"Why is it so crazy to think that he'd want to resign?" Donna questioned.
Josh laughed humorlessly at her. "You actually think he'd resign? That he'd let all the work that he and Abbey have done for so long go to waste?"
"Yes I do," Donna told him seriously. "I don't think he'd be able to do this without her, without the other half of his heart."
"Well you're wrong," Josh stated, getting annoyed. "He's stronger than that, you know he's stronger than that," Josh tried to convince her while really trying to convince himself.
"No one's stronger that that," Donna argued softly, without raising her voice. "Not even Jed Bartlet."
"President Bartlet," Josh corrected her angrily. He would've elaborated but his cell phone started to ring just then. He got up to answer it and listened for a moment. He hung up and without speaking to Donna, went to get his jacket.
"Where are you going?" she asked quietly as he got to the door.
"The President wants to speak with Senior Staff right now," he told her, not even looking at her.
"About what?"
"I don't know," he said exasperatedly. "Apparently it's important if he's wants us all there at six o'clock on a Sunday night." He turned and faced the doorway, preparing to leave.
"Josh, please don't leave here mad," Donna begged him, going up to him and resting her hands on his back. Josh took a deep breath to calm down and let himself be momentarily comforted by his fiancée. He felt her place a kiss on his shoulder and whisper against the wool of his coat, "I love you."
"I love you, too," he whispered back. He took one of hands and placed a kiss on it before opening the door and walking, still not looking at her. Donna closed the door behind him and turned away, leaning against it for support. She wanted to just throw something, anything, so it would break into a million pieces she was that angry. But she couldn't do that now; she had to be strong for her family.
"Mommy? Are okay?" she heard her daughter ask her. Emma was standing near the couch, looking apprehensively at her mother.
"I'll be fine, baby," Donna said, going to the child, hoisting her up and hoping she wasn't lying. "Where's Aunt Nicole?"
"Someone called her on her phone. Where's Daddy?"
"Daddy had to go to a meeting," she said, pulling Emma down with her onto the couch. "What do you got there?" she asked looking for a distraction, pointing to the picture in Emma's hand.
"It's a picture of my family," Emma smiled and unfolded the paper for her mother to see better.
"Yeah, well who are all these people?" she asked lovingly, settling them both back against the couch.
"That's you," she pointed to a brown blob with yellow hair, "and that's Daddy," she pointed out the blob with brown hair. "And right there, in between you, is me!"
"Well that is just beautiful, it looks so lifelike," Donna floored, snuggling her daughter closer. "But who are the rest of these people?"
"Well that's Aunt Nicole and that's Uncle T.J., with Ellie," Emma explained, pointing out their separate shapes. "Over here is Nana Mena and Lily…"
"How come they're over there and not with the rest of us?" Donna questioned.
"Because they don't live near us," she told her mother. Donna nodded her understanding and Emma continued. "And here, near the big white house, is Sam and CJ and Toby and Charlie and Leo and Grandpa Jed," she said, using her name for the President. "And Abbey is up here in the sky," she showed Donna, pointing up the figure in the cloudy sky, "in heaven."
Donna looked at the little girl, shocked. All of the adults had been very careful about what Emma had seen or heard recently. "Emma, why do you think that Abbey is in heaven?" she asked seriously.
Emma shrugged. "Because that's where Whitney from across the street said her mommy told her Abbey was." She looked at her mother with bright eyes and a happy smile. "Can I give this picture to Abbey when she comes back from heaven?"
Donna closed her eyes and turned her head away from her daughter for a moment, feeling an unbearable tightness in her chest. 'So this is what it feels like when your heart breaks," she thought forlornly. She didn't even know how to begin to explain this to the child and for the first time in a long time, she momentarily cursed the restrictions on time that Josh's job demanded of him. She'd have to do this by herself; she just hoped she could hold it together.
"Emma," Donna began haltingly. "Your friend was right; Abbey did go to heaven and she's very, very happy there right now. But when people go to heaven," Donna swallowed the lump in her throat, "it means they can't come back.
"Why not?" Emma asked innocently.
"Because…they can't," Donna said dumbly, never feeling more inadequate as a parent than she did a t that moment. "And it's very hard for us when someone we love goes to heaven because we miss them very much but we have to remember one thing and that's that they are in a much better place in heaven. There's no pain or sadness there; they can watch over us and protect us from heaven. They become beautiful angels. Do you remember the stories Nana Mena used to tell you about the angels?"
"She said that they're the ones who make sure we're safe and happy here on Earth," Emma recited, almost from memory. "And that even though we can't see them, they're still with us, in our hearts." She yawned and rested her head on her mother's shoulder. "So Abbey's an angel now?"
Donna laid Emma down onto here lap and stroked her back gently. "That's right, sweetie," Donna said to her, quiet tears falling down her cheeks, "Abbey's an angel now."
A few minutes later, Josh arrived at the main lobby of the White House and entered into his bullpen area, not knowing the emotional roller coaster his future wife was riding. He went into his office to go through the small pile of memos that was accumulating on his desk. When he was almost finished with menial task, a voice from behind him startled him.
"How you doing?" it asked. Josh whirled around to find the President leaning against the doorjamb. His face looked haggard beyond its many years and Josh thought that he might have been losing weight in the past week. His skin was so frighteningly pale, it was almost translucent and his eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot. So different from the man who Josh always thought could move a mountain with his mere words if that was what he so desired to do.
"Good evening, Mr. President," Josh said stoically. The two men stood looking at each other for a few minutes before the President spoke to him.
"Come take a walk with me, Josh?"
"Of course, sir." The two men left the room and set out until they reached the portico doors and stepped into the cool night air. They stood out on the porch, looking out onto the night's sky, neither speaking for the longest while before Josh finally got up the nerve to speak again. "How are you, sir?"
Jed stared up at him with tired eyes and laughed ruefully. "I swear to you, Josh," he began, "in all the years I was married to her and all the disagreements we had, I've never been more pissed at her than I am now."
"I beg your pardon, sir?" Josh wasn't sure he'd heard him right.
"Who the hell did she think she was? Did she honestly think she could just up and die like that, without giving me any warning, any time to prepare myself?" He stated, not even really speaking to Josh anymore, just venting furiously. "I mean what gave her the right? She just thought it was okay for her to leave me and the girls like this? Was she out of her fucking mind?!" he cried out. Josh looked at him, amazed and terrified all at once at the man's reaction. "She actually thought I was ready for this?! For my life without her? Well I'll tell you something, Abigail Barrington!" Jed shouted at the sky. "Your parent should have spent your college tuition on a new summer house because you didn't know shit! That's right, my darling dearest, you knew jack shit about what I was ready for!" He slumped against a column, his adrenaline fading off. "It was supposed to be me, Josh," he said tiredly to the younger man. "I was supposed to go before her. All the doctors and the experts said so. Ten years, most of 'em said. She couldn't wait another ten, god damn, years." He stopped talking and spent the next few minutes collecting himself while Josh shuffled his feet around, trying not to do anything to upset the President.
"I'm resigning, Josh," Jed announced suddenly. Josh's head shot up and he stared silently at the President, who refused to make eye contact.
"I'm…I'm sorry, sir?" Josh fought to get out.
"I said I'm…"
"Bullshit!" Josh cut him off, turning away from him, forgetting that he was addressing his president. "You…you can't do this."
Jed hung his low, ashamed of what he was doing but knowing there was no other option for him. "I'm sorry, Josh. I know how disappointed you are but…"
"You're grieving now, sir," Josh desperately tried. "You're a grieving widower, you've suffered a terrible loss. You just not thinking clearly right now, if you just give it a few days I'm sure that you'll change your mind."
Jed walked over to the man he loved as his son and smiled sadly at him. He brought a hand up to Josh's face and patted his cheek gently. "Would you be able to, Josh?" he asked solemnly. "If you lost Donna before you ever thought you'd be ready to, could you ever be the same man you were for her?"
Josh didn't even need to think about that; he'd almost lived that nightmare six months ago. "No," he hoarsely whispered.
"Then how can you expect me to be the man I was for Abbey?" Jed tenderly pointed out. "That man was a leader, a president. I'm not sure who this new man is yet but whoever he turns out to be, he's not going to be anywhere close to President Bartlet. He was Abbey's and she took him with her."
Josh took in a ragged breath. "When?" he asked, seeing all of his work and the work of his friends being thrown away.
"The end of this year," the President told him. "It'll give us time to get one more piece of legislation through, a revolutionary healthcare reform bill that Abbey was working on for years. I want that to be my curtain call."
"Have you told the others yet, sir?" Josh asked, trying to get back to some level of professionalism.
Jed shook his head. "You're the first. I haven't even talked to Leo yet and I usually need him to draft a briefing memo for me to order breakfast." Josh cracked a small smile at the bad joke. "You'll all be fine; I'm not worried about any of you. Though if I could, I'd like to impart some words of wisdom on you if I may."
"Of course, sir."
"No matter what you do with your life," Jed instructed him, "never let your family come second to your ambition or your own well-being. Not even for a moment, not even for a second, not even for something small. I missed too many plays and parties to let you make these same mistakes." He took Josh's shoulders and forced him to look at him. "Promise that, Joshua."
"I promise," he paused for a beat, "Josiah.
Jed pulled Josh's head down and kissed his forehead. "Go home to your family," he ordered when he pulled away. He gave Josh one last look and then retreated back to the safety of the Oval Office. Josh stood there, statue-like, for a minute before turning to leave, practically running out of the building in his haste to escape back to the comforts of his family. But he didn't go straight home. Instead he jogged to the reflecting pool at the Mall and looked towards the Washington Monument as the stars glowed down on him from above. If he squinted his eyes and just let himself pretend, he could almost make himself believe he saw the eyes of his father offering the guidance he'd longed for during these turbulent times. After what felt like a few seconds of staring, but was really a few hours, Josh set back towards his home.
When he walked in, he found his future wife and daughter curled together on the couch under a worn afghan. A note on the coffee table from Nicole told him that they'd been asleep for a while now and that she'd call in the morning. He put the note down and shrugged out of his coat, casting it somewhere on a chair. He slipped off his shoes and undid his tie before sitting down on the couch and wedging himself underneath Donna's body. The movement jarred her awake.
"Josh?" she asked, her voice raspy with sleep.
"Yeah, it's me." He kissed her temple. "Go back to sleep."
"How was the meeting?" she instead asked.
Josh thought about brushing her off but remembered his promise to the President. "You were right. He's going to resign," he whispered, still not really believing it.
Donna closed her eyes and sighed. "I'm so sorry," she told him. "I know how much you wanted him to keep going."
"How'd you know? That he was gonna quit I mean."
"Something Abbey told me, at the Christmas party. She said that President Bartlet couldn't do this without her so…"
"Maybe its for the best," Josh commented rubbing Emma's back as she slept, undisturbed by her parents conversation. "At least this way, we can concentrate on what's really important to us." Donna became quiet after that, so quiet that Josh thought she'd gone back to sleep. "Donna?"
"I'm still not sure it's the right thing for us if you become President of the United States," Donna admitted, changing topics at a dizzying speed. "I don't know if it's the right life for Emma and the other children we'll have. I don't know if I can deal with the media scrutiny or the responsibilities. I don't know if I can handle not being able to talk with you about everything. So no, right now I don't think I could stand behind you being a president" She took a breath and continued, "So why don't you just ask me again after your first term as a United States Senator from Connecticut is done." She looked up at his eyes and smiled.
Josh was taken aback by both her revelations. "Donna, you have to be sure," he told her. "I won't do this if you have any kind of fears or doubts. If you don't want me to do this, I completely understand. I would never ask you to do something that's impossible for you to do."
She rested her head on his chest and listened to the steady beat of his heart. "I asked you to do something impossible once," she informed him. "I asked you to come back to me when you were shot. I made you promise me on that operating table that you were going to fight with everything you were worth. You already came through on that for me; just consider this a tradeoff."
He leaned his head against the armrest and thought he couldn't get any luckier. "He's gonna wait until the end of the year to resign," Josh said. "We've got a lot of work to do until then."
"Do you think we could request a day off this weekend?"
Josh furrowed his brow. "Why?"
"I figured we could take a drive up to Connecticut on Friday. You know, you could show Emma and me were you grew up, we could introduce some of your relatives to Emma, and," she reached over to take his free hand in her own, "we could start house hunting and check out the political scene up there."
Josh turned his head to kiss her forehead. "I love you so much," he whispered reverently.
"I love you, too," she breathed out.
"But there's one thing we gotta do this week."
"What's that?"
"Get the paperwork started on Emma's adoption." He watched the little girl for a moment, never believing that she wasn't always really his daughter. "I want the whole world to know I'm her daddy and that she and her mother come first in my life."
"Whatever you want," Donna paused for a tiny giggle, "Senator Lyman."
Josh laughed quietly at the title bestowed upon him by his fiancée. "Well that's awfully optimistic of you. Although it does have a nice ring to it," he stated. "But there's one thing you need to know, Donna," he continued seriously.
"And that is?" she asked groggily.
He pulled her closer to him as he watched fade back into sleep. "That I can't do any of it without you there," he said as he succumbed to his own sleep that no nightmare would wake him from.