Here is some poetry I found in magazines over the years,
I am not sure who wrote them but they are a lot of fun!
 

A Day in Hospital

You wake at six each morning
with a violent, shuddering start
and you see through bleary bloodshot eyes
the good old poison cart.
And Sister checks the folders
to see just who gets what,
some just get a pill or two.
and some get the ruddy lot.
So you settle back to rest again
and on you bed you flop
when in comes good old Sadie
with her bucket and her mop.
She swishes here and swishes there
she doesn't miss a trick
and when she's finished off her job
the ward looks pretty slick.
Then once again you try to sleep
and you gently drift away,
when in comes cookie and her mob
with your ruddy breakfast tray.
And when the dishes have been cleared
and you think, "Ah! The slumber hour!"
The bloomin' nurses wake you up
and make you take a shower.
And when they've got you squeaky clean
you collapse upon your bed,
but back comes cookie with your lunch
a sick man must be fed.
And so it goes all through the day, you cannot get a rest,
there's pills to take and docs to see
and here and there a test.
And when at night you go to bed
and pray the lord to keep,
they wake you up at ten o'clock
with a pill to make you sleep!

THE GOOD OLD DAYS

There once was a time you fed grass to a cow,
not smoked it the way some people do now.
And bread was for eating, the staff of life,
not brought home in a pay packet,
to give to the wife.
"Gay" simply meant that a person was glad,
and hire purchase schemes were only a fad.
A man who was high was up on a ladder,
and a child's soccer ball had a mendable bladder.
Then, it didn't take hundreds of dollars to shop,
and girl's swimming suits had a bottom and top.
If you sat on a ton you were up on a load,
not trying to spatter yourself over the road.
the doctor did rounds, and so did the parson
and kids hating school didn't think about arson.
The world is changing, the language is too,
it's off with the old, and on with the new.
But when we are old, will these modern ways,
be in our minds as those good old days?

COCKY'S LAMENT

Now I ain't a one fer whingin'
but it's no wonder I look troubled,
fer since they switched ter dollars
me flamin' overdraft has doubled.
But they couldn't leave it there,
oh, don't it make yer laugh,
fer then they brought in kilograms
and me wool clip dropped by 'alf.
Then they metrified the weather,
which just added to me pain,
since they turned it inta celcius
I've ain't a drop of rain.
They couldn't even leave the soil
that I've worked since just a lad,
me acres, changed to 'ectares and -
I've got 'alf the farm I had.
Then daylight savings came along
and now I ave no doubt
I work at least an eight day week,
so I decided to sell out.
But then they really done me down
the rotten bunch 'o' bleeders,
me place is "too far out of town"
since they changed to kilomeeders.

THE GET WELL CARD

I went up to the hospital
visiting a friend
who'd had an operation
and was now well on the mend.
He had just received a get well card
from his kids at home, he said
and proudly showed it to me
as I sat beside his bed.
I must admit I had a smile
as I read it through with care
and felt a twinge of pity
for the poor man lying there.
It said, " Please get well quickly dad,
and we hope you'll be home soon,
from Mary, George & Evelyn, Jack, Nancy,
Ruth and June, Mick, Joe, Peter, Frank and Tom,
Jessie, Louise and Jim, Dick, Charlie, Linda, Katharine
and the baby, little Kim.
"We are waiting to welcome you,
when you come home again
and we're hoping your vasectomy
hasn't caused you too much pain!

OLD DREAMER

I'm searching for a nice young bride
who'll pay me some attention
'cos now me working days are thru
I'm paid the old age pension.
With rosy cheeks and smilin' lips
she'd be me faithful maid,
and help me round on plastic hips
and change me hearing aid.
Each day she'd cook and scrub for me
then I'd switch off the lights
she'd make a man of eighty three
keep warm these winter nights.
Then as me bride sets out to prove
that I'm a lucky man,
the nursing sister wake me up
and lifts me on the pan.

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

The little lad was praying
as he knelt beside the bed
and just outside the door his dad
listened to what he said.
"God bless mummy," said the little boy,
"Bless dad and Grandma too,
and all my best to Grandad,
who's coming to live with you!"
Dad couldn't understand it,
though to work it out he tried;
But it all became apparent
when next day, Grandad died.
"The lad can see the future!"
Said the father, "He's a prophet!"
"He knows who's on this mortal coil,
and who will shuffle off it!"
So the next time father listened
to the prayers of his lad,
he was horrified to hear him say
"God bless mum, and goodbye dad."
Now Dad was really worried,
as he tip-toed from the room.
He knew the boy had rightly told
his end, his fate, his doom.
The spent a sleepless night,
but when he staggered from the bed,
there upon his doorstep,
was the milkman lying dead!

If anyone knows who has written these poems
please email me and let me know so I can add their
names.
 
 

I HAVE LEARNT

A cats desire to scratch the furniture
is directly proportional to the cost
of the furniture.

Let your little ones help you
around the house when they
offer - it won't last forever!

I shouldn't get into a lift
with a full bladder.

I should put the T-shirt I
want my husband to wear
at the front of the drawer,
because he'll never look any further.

When you are eating junk food
in front of the telly the
first ad to come on is Jenny Craig.

When you have a headache,
take two aspirin
and stay away from children.