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| A moral - please learn from my mistake!!!! I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story so that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me knowing that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from it's butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things; either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing!) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached it's "can't-be-flushed" threshold. I was contemplating this problem when I had, what seemed at the time, to be a good idea. "Hey! this is my butt and my butthair, right? So why dont I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements; "How many Indians could there be?" as said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive" by JFK. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on a towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a new-born babe. Finally I wiped the razor one last time and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was as smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied. thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know!!! I now have great respect for anal hair. Like everything in this world that God created, it has it's mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had it removed that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction, I learned this the next day when I walked out into the sun heading for work. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but I had to get to work. Eventually I thought it would dry. Unfortunately it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit-molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back home it started to itch. God dam did it itch!! Felt like a swarm of ants was making it's way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away I rushed home. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a two mile radius began to howl. I had it worst of all as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep fom heaving and as I sat there fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odour mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I only had one thought; "It will be like this until the hair grows back - Weeks!!!" Later on, trying to deal with the situation as best as I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart only to have it get stuck between my ass cheeks. Apparently with no hair the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing back, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I'm dealing with now. It is a hellish torture and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends - DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!!!! |
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