me [a different approach]

not even 24 hours after writing the 3rd installment i'm adding a 4th. i've been writing to someone who signed my guestbook recentlly [record 88 - anna/one] that i think might help explain a little about me.

i'll try to [somehow] put these ideas here... which has proven to be pretty damn hard. i think i'll just put snippets in from the email i sent. i hope it works. i should do that more often actually, put lots of snippets of things i've previously said.

- in reply to a compliment about my page i reply, "....although i believe you, i still have trouble accepting compliments etc. i have problems with trust.  its something that takes a fair while, for me to have trust in someone."

"i also am a big sucker for the guitar.  i love to just strum on acoustic and scream out how im feeling.  it just feels good to let it out [but only sometimes i record it, and i usually have trouble going back on previous ideas... i just like to let it flow]"

"......... i too seem to see things differently than most, and i too am kind of an outcast [im not too sure why, i just am.... maybe coz sooo many people are just soooo boring]."

"its often the things that shouldnt bother you that are the things that bother you the most.  thats where the love/hate thing with your brain comes in.  it seems that i often question things that i cant have an answer for.  i came to this in my mind the other nite.... i was riding on the train in the city subway, and i wasnt sure where all the stations actually were [like on a map], yet i've gone threw them countless times.... and i had no desire to find out, because all i'd have to do was open a map and i'll have an answer.........but when it comes to things like where we are going as humans or where the whole universe is going, i do want to know and i will question it.... why?   because there is no certain answer.... there is no structured answer.   structure is something humans have made to make life more easier i guess.  just tonight my dad says he doesnt like unstructured music, probably because he needs structure in his life to keep him sane [hense he has a strong interest in beleiving in religion].  i suppose we all do need structure..... but i like to test the boundries too.  its just what i do."

"sometimes i just get carried away [and its a good thing too]."

"...... i just dont get how some people say they are 100% honest.  personally i struggle with it all the time.  there are just sooo many possibilities that i dont understand how people can have such exact extreams like "honest, dishonest", "true, falce", "right, wrong", "black, white", "on, off".  we are not machines.... we shouldnt try to be.  there are all kinds of shades of grey, with no real extreams.... no real perfection."

"tonight im on a roll.  im flying with thoughts."

"what is happyness?   i feel its an extream, therefore true perfect happyness doesnt really excist, its just a label put on a certain feeling people get when things are doing generally good."

"now im thinking about how every word that excists is just a limited structure.... built by humans to help put understanding to things.  but it is limited..... me and my friend kim often say "words suck, they never can express exactly how you feel".  and its very true with probably everything in the physical world... although not all of it sucks."

"its strange, me with confidence.  i dont really have much, but sometimes it comes and just overwhelms me.  i know its in me to be an increadibly strong and confident person.... im told i have a strong personality."

"i have this theory about human life being +1 -1 = zero.  so therefore im zero.... but then someone pointed out that im not dead yet, so therefore at least for now, im still the +1."

all these snippets kinda reminds me of something thom yorke once said in a triplej interview with richard kingsmil.... "there is only a certain time when you should record a song, and then you should never record it again, because from then on you're always going threw the motions. its sort of... i guess its like, if you are a writer you wouldnt write the same book over and over again, ya know. its a completely different thing recording..... you're finding things out about yourself while you're doing it... and then its over. and then its somebody else's forever more. and all you do then is like if people wanna hear you play it again then you'll play it for them because they've given you something... they've given you a reason to play the song again. but otherwise its pointless. because you just get bored of the material and you dont understand the centiment of it."

in a way i just cant believe i've started quoting myself, it feels kind of weird.... but oh well, i guess i like some of my ideas after all, and i just like to leave them they way they were when they first came out. but should i try and scrape off the rough edges and make it more perfect and clean? should i make it more mature? [to be honest i have changed around one or two words from some of these]. this reminds me of someththing else thom yorke has said in an interview..... "you will become a hypocrite, you will become a liar, and you will try and paper up your own cracks and your own, ya know... and everybody does it. and thats what being an adult is. and then you have babies.... and thats it.....heh..... sorry."

me [3rd time lucky]