Chapter Thirteen
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"That's my line," Breana said as she smiled.  "I thought we could just discuss this talk you had with Johnny."

Justin began to reiterate what Johnny had said and what he'd taken from the whole conversation.  Breana could tell that Justin respected Johnny and took everything he said to heart.  He told her that he finally realized that he had to just accept things and stop fighting it.  He felt he needed to concentrate on the new album and then the tour.  It was hard for him to let go of the control and Breana told him that if he looked at things a little more philosophically, it might help.  She told him that no one could control his spirit and only he could control the way he looked at things.

They talked for almost a half hour before she asked about Britney.  Justin said, "I haven't heard from her.  I'm just going to cool it and let her come to me.  Although, I really want to jump on Johnny's jet and be out there before I can talk myself out of it.  Then she'd have to deal with me."

Breana nodded and said, "Are you sure that's wise?  I mean, didn't she say she wanted some space, Justin?"

"Yeah, she did.  I'm not talking about going tomorrow, Doc," he said, a little defensive.

Breana replied, "I think you should deal with the anxiety issues on your own.  Britney isn't going to be around each night of the tour.  You know that.  I know you miss her and want to get it all back on track again, but you yourself said you are running out of time.  I think that, with a little effort on your part, you'll lick this.  And I think if you figure it out without Britney here holding your hand, it'll be better for you.  You know what I think the key is?  Trust.  You need to learn to trust the fans again.  I know that's an odd concept and I'm talking about the normal fans, not the ones in your nightmares, or in that convenience store, or in the streets of Rio.  You also have to trust the bodyguards to do their job."

Justin nodded, thinking about starting with smaller groups and moving on from there. "Maybe Johnny can organize some kind of fan get together here in town, nothing fancy.  Maybe we could sing a song or whatever, sign some autographs and just mingle.  Maybe a contest or something like that, so we would just meet a small group?"

Breana could tell that Justin was embracing this idea with enthusiasm and hope.  She was proud of him and a little surprised at the ease with which he could take that first step.  "Deep down, Justin, you are still very childlike with your trust.  I guess it's your age!" she said as she took a drink of her tea and looked at him over her glass.

Justin echoed her thoughts again, when he said, with a disarming grin, "I guess I have to just get back on the horse, don't I, Doc?"

She said, "Very true.  See?  You are already on the road, Justin.  I don't really think you need me anymore, at least, not all the time.  You've got an amazing support system here and if you will just take the responsibility to look at things differently, you will see things fall into place."

Justin's smile faded and he looked at the floor.  He frowned and said, "Well, I wouldn't go that far, Doc.  I'd like to see if this works before you cut me loose."

Breana noticed the wistful expression on Justin's face as he played with the heart agate.  "What are you thinking, Justin?" she asked, watching him closely.

"I'm just thinking how fast time passes when we talk and how when we're talking, I forget to miss Britney," he said softly, looking at her with his sad eyes.

Breana cleared her throat as she tried to reaffirm to herself that she was in control of the conversation.  She remembered what it was like to be 20 years old.  It wasn't that long ago.  She also knew what it was like to have a void in your life that threatens to consume you at times.  She felt it every day.  Justin, whether he realized it or not, mirrored much of the same loneliness and frustration she felt.

"I do know what you mean, Justin.  At times, I feel a little lost and lonely too.  It's a fact of life, unfortunately.  It would probably be different if I had someone in my life, but I've been alone for several months.  Your problem is that you have a girlfriend but you are apart so much.  So we are both in the same boat!" Breana said as she stood up to take her glass into the kitchen.

She didn't want to look at him, because she knew what she'd see. Justin had the same stark, empty feelings she had and that made the bond she had formed with this younger man very dangerous.  Justin was standing in front of her in no time and when he locked his eyes with hers, she knew he saw it.  The recognition in his eyes of their mutual pain was overwhelming and she gave him her glass with trembling hands.  His intense gaze made her feel warm and self-conscious, so she backed away and picked up her purse.

"I should go, Justin.  Let me know what you and Johnny come up with.  Shall we meet here again tomorrow?" Breana said as she walked toward the door.

Justin followed her, still holding the glass, and opened the door for her.  "Yeah, why don't we just meet here?" was all he said.

Breana bid him a hasty goodbye and after she climbed into her car, she let out a breath she felt she'd been holding for almost an hour.  She knew that if she was smart, she'd end the professional relationship with Justin right away, but she knew that he wasn't quite ready for that.

After Breana left, Justin sat out by the pool for awhile and replayed the evening in his head.  The fan get-together idea was a good one and he intended on talking to Johnny about it first thing in the morning.  Breana's odd behavior that night had him baffled.  She seemed closed to tears at one point and unwilling to meet his eyes at the end.  As he continued gazing at the water in the pool, he didn't hear JC walk up behind him.

"Yo, J, you alive?" JC yelled as he walked into Justin's pool area.

Justin whirled around, clutching the front of his shirt, and said, "Jeez, JC.  Do you have to sneak up on me?  What are you doing here?"

"I came to see how the meeting with Dr. Gallagher went," JC said, trying to read his friend's expression.

"Actually, it went pretty well.  She had a great idea that I'm going to talk to Johnny about in the morning.  I think we should have some kind of fan thing here in Orlando and have a contest or something.  The winners, say in small groups, would meet and hang with us for a few hours....or something like that.  The main point being that we could use it as promotion and as a way to get ME back on track with the fans again.  Breana said if we started small, we could work up from there," Justin said, wondering why JC suddenly looked pissed off again.

"Why don't you call her Dr. Gallagher?" was all JC said.

"She said I could call her by her first name.  Did you hear anything else I just said, C?" Justin asked, a little offended at JC's accusatory tone.

JC squinted at Justin, trying to figure out what was going on.  "Is there anything you want to tell me, Justin?" JC asked, looking Justin right in the eyes.

Justin blinked and bristled at JC's tone again.  "What are you talking about, man?  I'm trying to tell you what I want to tell you, but you keep blurting out stupid questions.  What's up with that?" Justin said as he glared at JC.

JC just shook his head.  "Are you seeing her again tomorrow night?" he said, again squinting at Justin.

Justin was angry now.  "Yes, we do have plans to meet here again, JC.  Is that ok with you?" he said, frowning and crossing his arms as if in challenge to his friend.

"I was just asking.  The idea about the fans is a good one.  I think Johnny will jump at the chance to do some PR work with your image," JC said, looking anywhere except at Justin.

Justin was silent for a moment.  "Is that all you wanted?  To check up on me and Dr. Gallagher?" he said.

"Yeah, actually it is.  I think I'll head home and see you in the morning, ok?" JC said, unreadable to Justin's questioning eyes.

Justin watched JC walk around the house and disappear.  THAT WAS ODD, Justin mused as he sat down again.  WHAT A STRANGE NIGHT!

* * * * * *

Justin was up early the next morning and drove in to talk to Johnny before the rest of the guys arrived.  He was excited to get on with this because the sooner he got over the stupid panic, he could get on with tour plans.  He found Johnny sitting at the dining room table, eating breakfast.  "Johnny, you're just the man I want to see!" he said as he smiled brightly at Johnny.

Johnny was a little taken aback at the smiling young man standing there looking at him expectantly.  Justin looked happier than he'd seen in awhile.  "What's up, Justin?  You look like a new man!" he said as he ate the last bite of his toast.  "Sit down and have some breakfast."

"No thanks, I'm not really hungry.  I have an idea that might help my situation.  Actually, it's Dr. Gallagher's idea.  Wanna hear it?" Justin said, so enthusiastic that he could barely contain himself.

"Well, let's go in the other room and you can fill me in, ok, J?" Johnny said, chuckling a little to himself as he walked through the doorway Justin had already disappeared through.

Justin was pacing back and forth in the living room as Johnny joined him.  Justin said, "Dr. Gallagher had an idea for getting me back in with the fans.  She suggested that, as a promotional thing, we start doing some Meet & Greets and contests.  We could start out small and have lots of visible security.  She thought by interacting with fans more and more, eventually, I won't get all freaked out anymore."

"So, let me get this right.  You are offering to spend time with lots of fans between now and the tour?  You really want to do this?" Johnny said having a hard time believing his ears.

Justin was nodding wildly, smiling and rubbing his hands together.  "When should we start?" he said, laughing at Johnny's expression.

"This may not be as easy as you think it's going to be, Justin.  What has changed?" Johnny asked seriously.

Justin shrugged his shoulders and said, "I'm just trying to have a positive attitude and taking some responsibility for getting things back the way they were.  Dr. Gallagher and you have both told me to look at things differently.  That's what I'm doing.  I used to love to meet the fans.  I used to have fun with them, but that kinda got pushed aside with all the promotion we've done in the last few years.  What you said about me punishing them for being devoted really made me think, Johnny.  I want to somehow screen out the crazy ones though, either by security or Melinda or something."

Johnny smiled at Justin and pulled him into a huge bear hug.  "I'm proud of you!  You've come a long way in a short time.  Dr. Gallagher must be proud too," Johnny said as he let go of Justin.

"Has Dr. Gallagher ever been married, Johnny?" Justin asked, out of the blue.  "Just how do you know her?"

Johnny said, "No, she hasn't been married but she was involved with a golf buddy of mine for a couple years.  They almost got married, but it fell apart.  I don't know why.  Why do you ask?"

Justin just shrugged, "No reason, just wondered."

"So, Justin, what do you want to do?  A Meet & Greet with, oh, say 10 fans?  20 fans?  Or a contest situation?  Is it just for you or for all the guys?"

Justin looked at him funny.  "I'm not going alone.  It'll be an *NSYNC thing, not just me!" he said smirking.  "Let's start with 15 fans."

Johnny grinned and said, "Good compromise.  I'll talk to Melinda and get it worked out.  The sooner, the better, right?"

Justin just nodded and sat down.  "Johnny, how old is Breana?"

Johnny turned around and looked hard at the young man who was sheepishly looking back at him.  "Breana?  You call her that?"

"She said I could," was all Justin would say.

"I don't know if first names are a good idea in this situation.  It seems strange.  I think she's about 27 or 28, why?" Johnny said, still making Justin squirm under his gaze.

Again, Justin shrugged and said, "No reason, just wondered."

Johnny walked over and leveled a no-nonsense glare at Justin.  "Don't play innocent with me, Justin.  You never have no reason for anything," Johnny said seriously.

Justin couldn't look Johnny in the eyes and said, with a pout, "I usually just call her 'Doc' anyway.  I just wondered how old she was, being a doctor and all that.  Just chill, will ya?  You are as bad as JC!"

Justin got up off the sofa and walked through Johnny's house towards the recording studio.  Johnny's unwavering glare made him nervous and Justin found that he needed some air.

Justin knew that doing the Meet & Greets with the fans was just a first step.  He hoped he knew what he was in for.  As he sat at the control board, he thought again about the short session with Breana the night before.  Part of him wished she'd open up to him, instead of being so guarded.  Another part of him was glad she'd left early.

He didn't notice as JC walked into the studio so he jumped when JC grabbed his shoulders from behind and shook him.  As he whirled around, Justin couldn't even make eye contact with JC, fearing his friend could tell what he'd been thinking.  "Uh, g'morning," he said as he stood up and shuffled through the papers he'd been holding.

JC just watched his friend for a moment, wanting to ask if Justin was interested in Dr. Gallagher.  Justin's attempts to avoid him were obvious and he knew Justin well enough to know something was up.  "Justin..." JC said urgently.  "Look at me."

Justin turned his dark, unreadable eyes to JC and said, "Why?"

"You're acting weird, man.  What's going on?" JC asked, frowning at Justin's guarded question.

"Nothing, C.  You are acting pretty weird yourself!  Let's just work on this mix, ok?" Justin said and sat back down at the board.

They worked on a few mixes until the rest of the guys arrived and then laid down a few more tracks, before moving to the dance studio to work with Wade on the new choreography.  Most of the rest of the day was spent going through the new dances in painstaking detail.  They had a few new dances to learn and wanted to modify a few of the old ones.

It was around dinnertime, at least Justin's stomach told him that, when they finally broke for the day.  Before they could leave, Justin wanted to tell them what the plan was for the Meet & Greets Melinda was working on.

"Guys, hold up for a sec.  Dr. Gallagher suggested something that I've agreed to and guess what?  You are all involved!" Justin said with a smirk.

"Is this about the Meet & Greets, Curly?" Joey asked, smirking back at Justin.  It seemed funny to call Justin by that nickname now, which made him start laughing.  "That doesn't even fit anymore, does it?"

Justin nodded.  "Just don't start calling me 'Juju', or I'll have to pound you down," he said, pointing at Joey.  "And yes, I thought we should do some promotional Meet & Greet, fan get-together things.  We've been kinda locked in here for a few months, don't you think?"

Lance said, "I know what you mean.  I think it's a good idea, but I'm surprised you are so willing.  What has changed, Justin?"

"I'm just going to try it.  I have to start somewhere and Doc thought if we started small, you know, and worked up from there, I could ease into it.  Plus my whole way of looking at the fans has shifted back and I don't want to look at them like they are ALL going to hurt me.  That sucks and I know it isn't true," Justin said, looking at Lance with newfound clarity and confidence.

JC said, sarcastically, "Funny what a pair of pretty blue eyes can make you do, right J?"

Justin turned around slowly and walked over to JC.  Justin's body tensed up as he squinted at JC, saying, "Just what does that mean?" through clenched teeth.

Lance, picking up on the cold rush that had suddenly entered the room, moved over to stand between his two friends.  "Justin, back down.  JC, I think you both need to back off," Lance said looking at both of them as he spoke.

Justin only advanced, causing Lance to have to start exerting a little force, before being joined by Joey.  Justin, glaring at JC, said, "Why don't you just tell me what's on your mind?  Is this about what happened with Britney?"

JC just continued to glare at Justin.  He knew what he thought was happening, but nothing for certain.  He knew Justin was head over heels in love with Britney.  But he also knew that the Justin was going through some sort of personal growth phase.  This, when you considered how he and Britney had parted, made JC question his friend's motives.  JC also knew that he didn't have enough to go back to Britney with, so he couldn't do anything, which frustrated him.

"Have you talked to her lately?" JC asked angrily.

Justin looked at Joey and rolled his eyes.  This was quickly becoming a little hostile.  Justin stepped closer to JC, and said, "The ball is in her court, C.  She wanted space.  She's got it.  She knows where to find me.  I find it interesting that she hasn't called ME."

With that, Justin didn't want to stick around to talk about the subject anymore.  As he grabbed his jacket, and backed out of the studio, he said, "I've got to meet the doctor.  I'll see you all tomorrow."

The guys watched him walk out of the studio and then turned, almost in sync (!) and stared at JC.  Chris said, "What is going on with you two lately, JC?  You act like he's screwed you over in some way and he's reacting like you are an over concerned father or something."

JC wasn't one to talk behind others backs and certainly not Justin's, so he just said, as he walked out the door, "Justin and I have a few things to work out but it's ok.  I'm gonna leave too.  See you guys tomorrow."

Lance, Joey and Chris all looked at each other.  Group dynamics dictated friction now and then, and they'd certainly had their fair share, so none of them were too concerned.  They just hoped Justin and JC would work out whatever was going on between them.  They didn't want to have a group meeting to facilitate the process.

Justin and Breana met at his house again.  As they sat out by his pool, Breana was still intrigued by the whole 'celebrity thing' and wanted to find out more of Justin's feelings on the subject.  It seemed it was all closely connected and the answer to Justin's anxiety might be found in what he had to say.

Breana started by asking him about his life at the beginning of *NSYNC.  He told her about their problems with Lou and working their butts off on tour in Europe.  "Haven't we been over this all before?" Justin said with a frown.

Breana shrugged, saying, "Well, I want to go over it again.  You've had scrutiny and press coverage for over three years now.  You had success and fame in Europe before *NSYNC became popular here.  You've done concerts and tours and award shows and performances all over the world in front of millions of fans.  Why is the fan reaction a problem now?"

"Yeah, we've had success and we've played to lots of fans, but last year, it grew bigger than it's ever been.  Have you ever been to one of our concerts?  It's a deafening roar of girls screaming their heads off for two hours, never waning.  Everywhere we go in public, we get this.  During the tour last year, we had to turn up the music and vocals played in our idiot ears because the screaming was drowning it out.  There's no way you can sing on key when the screaming is that loud.  I guess if you've never witnessed it first hand, it's hard to describe just how loud it is," he said, shaking his head.  "Maybe you should go to some appearances with us, so you can see.  The appearances aren't quite as nuts as a concert would be, but they'll do. It's just unbelievable."

"All the hysteria doubled last year and this year will be off the hook because we are playing around 45 nights, all stadiums.  That's 40,000 to 60,000 screaming girls each night, if it sells out!  Can you imagine?  Now, in Rio, take about 1/2 that amount and put them swarming all over the streets and our bus, and you've got crazy-making," Justin said.  "You really need to experience some of this, I think.  I can't even do it justice."

Breana nodded, saying, "Well, hook me up then, Justin.  Do you have anything going on in the near future?  I'd like to witness some of this for myself.  I've never peered through the looking glass into a celebrity's life."

"This is my life.  I'm just trying to be me!" he laughed, shaking his head.  "Reporters seem to think getting the perfect picture or soundbite will make their career or something.  The press expects me to answer all their questions.  The fans expect me to smile, give out hugs and kisses and to always be cheerful and cute.  It's gotten harder and harder to be cheerful when my ears are ringing and people are boring holes in me with their eyes.  It's like I have nowhere to hide!  It is literally getting hard to breathe.  I have to give the expected answer and smile.  I have to sign every last autograph that is shoved in my face, even if I've just signed 90 and it's 1 AM and I'm dead tired.  If I don't, the next day, I hear how I've disappointed the fans again.  The fans are never disappointed with the other four guys.  Just me and I don't know why.  They don't sign everything all the time either.  The fans don't know what it's like to be me.  They just want me to be the image they have of me.  That's why I say I can't measure up.  I'm still in shock most of the time, because this life just blows my mind," Justin said.  "You'll see, Doc.  Once our promotion really kicks in for the new album and tour, your head will be spinning."

Breana let him continue because she felt he needed to get something off his chest.  "You should see how the younger fans treat Britney," Justin said sadly.  "I'm afraid for her safety at times.   And though she tries to put up a brave front, it hurts her feelings when they call her names.  All because she's dating me?  The fact that she's well-known hasn't helped the situation.  It's like the minute I verified that we were dating, Britney lost some of the girls, but her male fans don't care that she's dating me!"

Justin was looking at her as if he wanted an answer, which she didn't have.  Breana looked at him thoughtfully, trying to see it from a young fan's point of view.  "Whether we understand it or not, Justin, many of the less mature fans see you as belonging to them, I guess.  It's a strange concept to try to understand.  Other than her feelings being hurt, what has Britney said about it?"

"She usually lets stuff like that go.  At times, the girls get nasty and the insults get personal, but she still never responds to them directly.  She just smiles and takes it.  But I've seen the tears in her eyes because of their mean words.  I seethe inwardly when they do that, but I don't dare let them see it.  It would just backfire on Britney.  I've said numerous times that it upsets me to hear that reaction.  It doesn't seem to matter how much having her around helps me or how much I love her.  If anything, I love her so much more for still wanting to be with me," Justin said, his eyes watery.

Breana gave him an understanding smile and said, "You may have to take a stand for her with the fans, Justin.  Especially if you intend on it being forever.  I know it's a scary thing to do, but don't you think that would mean a lot to Britney?"

Justin nodded and looked away, lost in his thoughts.

"It's something to think about, at least, okay?" she said, and then changed the subject.  "When can I come see you guys record?  I wouldn't be too much in the way, would I?  How much work is it just hanging around the recording studio?"

"Oh, I wish we had days to just hang around recording.  I'll find out from Johnny and get you in on one of the 18 hour days," Justin said, laughing at the fact that she was oblivious to the world in which he lived.

Breana really could see how different a world it was that he lived in and that he yearned for more of the simple pleasures a normal life could bring.  He was definitely a veteran of show business, having been in it for half his life.  The part of his life that came before was relatively calm and normal but it had been replaced by a relentless schedule of recording, touring, and promoting, which started over again every year or two.

When she left that night, Breana felt she'd made some progress in basic understanding of Justin's situation and felt pride that she'd kept her mind on task.  He said he'd call her the next day with a plan, which she looked forward to.  A look into this enigmatic life could possibly unlock some of the mysteries of Justin.

Justin, meanwhile, spent another restless night being chased by fans and almost getting away.  But it being a nightmare, that didn't last long and they had tracked him down to his house.  He spent the rest of his life, in the dream, afraid to go out of his house.