Welcome to the inaugural (and brief) offbeat newsletter chronicling the highs and (let's hope not many) lows of PA United's debut season in the Friendly Football League. Hopefully, you haven't already moved this e-mail into the Trash folder...

After a few false starts extending our pre-season (i.e. friendly matches and beer (in no particular order)) by a few weeks, the wait was finally over, and PA United, led by our proud captain, Alan, strode onto the lush, green fields of Ashwood Reserve ... until we reached the actual playing turf - a barren field which even a farmer would have given up growing anything on it.

Squad: Murali, Daniel, Rowan, Ken, Henri, Siwei, David, Alan (c), Richard, Nhat, Mark (gk), Lux, Jin, Hai, Justin (gk), Yi

While PA United were still trying to settle our debut-match nerves and familiarising ourselves with each other on the field, our more seasoned opponents were keen to remind us who were the more experienced team, and like school-yard bully confrontations, it was PA United who had their pants pulled down in public. In a horror start to our 2008 campaign, PA United conceded two goals inside the first ten minutes of the match, coming from a scrambled ball inside our penalty box which popped up fortuitously to an opponent, and another from a pile-driving strike from long range. Staring on the verge of a nightmare result, it would have been easy for us to then crumble and play for self-preservation, however PA United showed tremendous resolve and team spirit, and minutes later, our efforts were rewarded with a goal brilliantly set up through a long ball from midfield into the penalty box from Jin, then Siwei timed his run to perfection with a superb foot-first lunge making clean contact to tap the ball into the back of the net.

PA United fought valiantly, but were ultimately unsuccessful, in the search of an equaliser for the remainder of the match, but came agonisingly close in the second half with a shot from Alan that grazed past the left post. However, the highlight of the second half came from a freakish attempt by an opponent who sweetly struck the ball from deep near the sideline, which spun wickedly through the air and thundered off our crossbar. Unfortunately, PA United did not achieve the fairytale result we would have hoped for, however despite the defeat, there were many promising moments of team cohesion and encouragement from teammates, which were more important values than the result itself in our debut match.

FULL TIME: 1-2
Half time: 1-2
Goals: Siwei

In a major blow to PA United, Siwei suffered a knee injury during the match, which will unfortunately sideline him for the next few matches (a rather extreme way to preserve his 100% record for scoring in every match played). Let's hope that Siwei will not miss many matches, as he is an integral part of our team. Otherwise, if Siwei knew that he was going to be unavailable for many matches due to injury, he could have done a "Barry Hall" on one of our opponents and spiced up a rather dull second half, and made the most from his time out of the game by also serving a suspension while recovering from his injury!!!

1 - Siwei

This week, the Friendly Football League extended their gratitude to PA United for our involvement in their league, by kindly reminding us that despite generously paying them thousands of dollars upfront for the year, graciously accepting their dubious refereeing interpretations and tolerating their decision of scheduling matches on a substandard playing field, we face making further kind "donations" to their regime if we should heaven forbid commit the following deadly sins: leaving water bottles at the ground after the game (don't worry about us dehydrating), wearing extra clothing not being of the same colour as our team uniform (forgive us for trying to not freeze to death during the cold winter days), wearing jewellery (so what if we have players devoutly religious, or who bat for the other team), consuming alcohol (are you kidding, beer and sport are like peas and carrots), or failing to tuck our shirts in before entering the field (should we skip in unison and hold hands too?).

Squad: Adam, Murali, Daniel, Rowan, Ken, Henri, David, Alan (c), Richard, Brian, Mark (gk), Lux, Jin, Hai, Justin (gk), Dominic

PA United began promising in the opening phase of the match, stringing several good chain of passes that created space in our attacking half. However, our opponents soon troubled us in defence via the long ball into our defensive third. Although predictable and highly uninspiring, numerous long balls into our penalty box paid off for Odyssey, who scored the first goal after an opponent latched on to a fortunate bounce and was given just enough time and room to strike. Odyssey had several genuine chances to extend their lead, however Mark was not afraid to venture out away from our goal, making great saves by deflecting shots on target with any part of his body to keep PA United in the contest heading into half-time.

PA United held out Odyssey for most of the second half, bravely defending out corners and free-kicks within range, while still being very much in contention to score the equaliser when the ball was at the other end of the ground. Unfortunately, in the final five minutes, PA United heartbreaking conceded two goals, with the last goal being a contender for goal of the season. Defying the laws of physics, from an innocuous cross from way outside the penalty box and tucked away deep near the right corner flag, the ball hovered towards goal, floated tantalisingly out of reach of Justin's outstretched arms, took a last second deviation and dipped inside the far post. In the end, the 3-0 result flattered our opponents, as Odyssey were stretched nearly all the way by a highly spirited PA United outfit.

FULL TIME: 0-3
Half time: 0-1
Goals: (a good team effort)
Yellow Cards: Dominic

1 - Siwei

With the cold weather upon us, PA United suffered a bout of the 72-hour virus (otherwise known as the long weekend), and our squad was decimated with several players upholding the great Aussie tradition of taking a "sickie" to extend their Anzac Day holiday break. Meanwhile, those players who stayed behind discovered the Anzac spirit within and PA United re-created epic battle scenes of Gallipoli, as we fought bravely for three points in the sandy, dust-swept, desert fields of the Middle East (formerly known as Ashwood Reserve).

Squad: Murali, Rowan, Ian, Henri, Alan (c), Richard, Brian, Lux, Jin, Hai, Justin (gk)

With the forlorn realisation that we had no substitutes for the entire match, PA United faced a further setback in the first half of the match, as Jin had to sit out on the sidelines as he unfortunately forgot to bring his shin-guards. Despite Jin's MacGyver-like ingenuity by making a pair of thongs into a sturdy pair of shin-guards, the referee disapproved of his creativity and Jin was not allowed onto the ground. PA United fired the first shot of the match, with Henri forcing the opposition goalkeeper into making a great aerial save to block a brilliantly struck free kick that was hurtling towards the top right corner of the goal. After absorbing our initial burst, VSA settled and capitalised on their numerical advantage, scoring the first two goals of the match. PA United struck back immediately through a wonderful cross from Henri that cut through VSA's defence that was met by Richard, who had ample time enough for an erotic pole-dancing routine around the far post and then the presence to tap the ball into the back of the net. Unfortunately, with only 10-men on the ground, our woes in defence continued, with a missed penalty conversion from VSA offering only brief respite for PA United before we conceded another goal midway through the first half. In the most attractive passage of play for the match, an exquisite through pass from Hai on the right wing tore through VSA's offside trap, and found Richard in full stride charging towards the goal one out with the goalkeeper. Unfortunately, the unevenness of the playing surface caused the ball take an unexpected bobble just moments before Richard's right foot made contact with the ball, and his strike skied over the crossbar.

After making a mercy dash to purchase new shin-guards, Jin returned for the second half to bolster our stocks in defence. VSA's scoring opportunities dried up, and PA United enjoyed having the ball in the opposition's half for sustained periods in the second half. PA United found unconventional, yet effective methods to defend their goal in the second half, with the highlight being Alan's terrific header on the goal line while guarding the right post from a corner to save a near-certain goal. Despite the result going against us, the beauty about soccer is that there's always next week, where hopefully we'll have a full team on the field, and the luxury of a handful of substitutes (OK, let's not be too greedy!).

FULL TIME: 1-3
Half time: 1-3
Goals: Richard

1 - Richard, Siwei

This week we were informed of the unfortunate news that Siwei would be unavailable for the rest of the season, succumbing to a knee injury sustained during PA United's first match of the season. We wish Siwei a smooth recovery, and let's hope that he doesn't follow the footsteps of a fellow player recovering from a knee injury, Brazilian superstar Ronaldo, who decided that being caught in a compromising with three transvestite prostitutes was an essential part of his rehabilitation program. Although, Siwei needn't travel far to satisfy any of his carnal transgender urges, as our opponent this round was primarily a women's team with a few males who displayed more feminine traits than their female teammates.

Squad: Murali, Daniel, Rowan, Ian, Ken, Henri, Alan (c), Richard, Mark (gk), Lux, Jin, Hai, Justin (gk), Ben

PA United dominated the match right from the first whistle, and in the opening minutes of the match, Henri fired PA United's first warning shot with his strike clipping the right post. PA United had total control of possession in midfield, and our relentless pressure inside our opponent's 18-yard box was rewarded with Richard scoring a brace in quick succession - the opening goal coming from an exquisite inside-out right foot shot that floated past the goalkeeper. PA United were bewildered after a seemingly innocuous challenge by Ken on an opponent drew a yellow card from the referee. It was only until after the match did we discover Ken's supposed indiscretion: our opponent claimed that Ken had fondled his testicles - if that was the case, then it was probably the only touch of a ball our aggrieved opponent received all match. Amidst all the oestrogen circulating in the air, Richard narrowly missed scoring a hat-trick, heading the ball into the crossbar late in the first half.

PA United continued their absolute dominance on the match in the second half, and the only real danger to PA United was from ourselves in the form of friendly fire, as Henri's foot made accidental contact to Daniel's face while they both tried to clear a high ball in defence. To add insult to injury, a free kick was paid against PA United, even though Daniel came off second best. It appeared that Daniel's face provided good target practise for Henri, as he made no mistake minutes later, calmly slotting the ball inside the right goal post to notch up PA United's third goal. Congratulations, PA United on their inaugural victory in the Friendly Football League!

FULL TIME: 3-0
Half time: 2-0
Goals: Richard 2, Henri
Yellow Cards: Ken

3 - Richard
1 - Henri, Siwei

Still riding high on the crest of a wave following last round's victory, PA United were hoping to keep their winning momentum rolling along for the rest of the season. Unfortunately, we can't play against women and pensioners every week, and alas, PA United received a dose of reality this round against Clube (or should it be Club-E, as the over-the-top aggression and brutish physique of some of their players were surely attributed to some illicit pharmacological assistance).

Squad: Murali, Daniel, Ken, Henri, Alan (c), Richard, Brian, Nhat, Mark (gk), Lux, Jin, Justin (gk)

For the majority of the first half, our opponents hustled, bustled and outmuscled their way through our defence. PA United were particularly troubled and were often left scrambling in defence from our opponent's long range "hoicks". A clearance off the goal line by Daniel from a well-directed header by an opponent was an ominous sign of things to come, as Club scored two goals in the first half through crosses from the right flank that caught PA United off guard.

In the second half, PA United could have been forgiven for hiding their necks inside the ground like ostriches in fear of being trampled, and Daniel was given a helping hand at this by an opponent who landed on top of him after a strong challenge and almost buried him six feet under in the process. However, PA United withstood the barrage, and created several plays on the counter-attack, causing the opposition goalkeeper to come way off his line on occasions to close off several threatening chances. An attempt by Richard while charging at full tilt from near the edge of the penalty box had the goalkeeper stranded, but unluckily the ball trickled past the wrong side of the left goal post. Unfortunately, Clube capitalised on most of their opportunities, scoring two more goals in the second half to run out comfortable victors.

FULL TIME: 0-4
Half time: 0-2
Goals: (a good team effort)

3 - Richard
1 - Henri, Siwei

Lovers of the world game were treated to a smorgasbord of football this week, with the UEFA Cup Final, FA Cup Final and UEFA Champions League Final serving as appetising entrées to the mouth-watering main course ... FFL's match of the round: PA United v HMB. Before our delusions of grandeur got the better of us, we were given a dose of perspective before the match, as players from both teams and officials formed a circle in the centre of the pitch united in a minute's silence to reflect on the tragic earthquake that devastated Sichuan province in China earlier this week.

Squad: Murali, Daniel, Rowan, Ian, Ken, Alan (c), Richard, Brian, Nhat, Mark (gk), Lux, Jin, Hai, Justin (gk), Leon, Ben

Persistent rain the day before transformed the ground from previously being a dust bowl to now a greasy mud bath. PA United adapted best to the wet weather conditions, making crisp and clean passes that defied the slippery playing surface. After making a series of blistering runs along the left wing, our opponents failed to keep Ken in check once too often and he was left unguarded near the edge of the penalty box. With some help by the opposing goalkeeper, Ken's strike turned into the perfect assist for Richard, as the ball slipped from the goalkeeper's gloves straight into Richard's lap, and he happily accepted the prized gift of an open goal, giving PA United the dream start only minutes into the match. PA United continued to thrive in the greasy conditions during the first half, and came close to scoring through more traditional methods, with Hai and Jin creating great opportunities to extend our lead.

PA United were in the not-so-familiar position of being in front for the majority of the match, and to some extent, went into our collective shell in the second half. PA United were fortunate not to concede the equaliser midway into the second half from a well-executed header by an opponent that rebounded off the crossbar. Sensing that he wasn't getting enough respect and attention, the referee decided to play his three-card trick late in the match - first awarding a corner to HMB that was blatantly a goal kick to PA United, then calling for the resultant corner to be re-taken after it had been well-cleared by us, and finally awarding a penalty for HMB after picking out a questionable handball amongst the scramble of players inside the penalty box. Fortunately natural justice prevailed, and for PA United's sake, the penalty strike was perfectly struck directly to the centre of the goal for Justin to deflect the ball away to safety. Justin was unsure if he was more relieved for helping to keep a clean sheet, or for keeping his goalie top clean by not being forced to dive into the large puddles in front of the goal to save the penalty attempt. PA United hung on bravely to their slender lead right through to the final whistle, and in the end, celebrated a gutsy, character-defining victory.

FULL TIME: 1-0
Half time: 1-0
Goals: Richard
Yellow Cards: Ben, Hai

4 - Richard
1 - Henri, Siwei

As Melbourne shivered through one of its coldest mornings in living memory on the morning of this round's match, even more chilling was the idea that a team would sell its body and soul for the all-mighty dollar. Like cheap hookers parading their wares, our opponents had their dignity and identity stripped away, baring the name of their seedy owners on their team uniform, Princes Entertainment. Despite these apparent anti-corporate sentiments, given the right offer, PA United is open-minded about entertaining the possibility of one day being seduced by a wealthy suitor...

Squad: Murali, Daniel, Rowan, Ken, Henri, Alan (c), Richard, Brian, Nhat, Mark (gk), Lux, Justin (gk), Leon, Yi

PA United were first to settle in the first half and were unfortunate not to take the early lead, after a partial defensive clearance from our opponents resulted in the ball being lobbed back into Alan's path towards goal. Ironically, the ball bounced over several taller opponents straight to Alan (the shortest of all players inside the penalty box), but unluckily mistimed his effort and missed the goal by a whisker. As the first half drew to a close, it became clear that the football gods weren't on PA United's side this week, as we again narrowly missed a chance to take the lead that we thoroughly deserved, after a deft header from Richard only centimetres in front of the goal-line kissed the crossbar.

PA United came to rue our missed opportunities in the second half, after a quickly taken corner by our opponents allowed an unguarded player to sneak in front of goal and score. As it so often occurs in football, despite one team's numerous narrow misses, the other team's one and only shot results in a goal. PA United's goalkeepers were relatively untroubled throughout the match, but unfortunately the most strenuous activity for Justin all afternoon was to retrieve the ball from the back of our net.

FULL TIME: 0-1
Half time: 0-0
Goals: (a good team effort)

4 - Richard
1 - Henri, Siwei

Suspicious behaviour infiltrated the ranks of PA United in this round's match, with our captain, Alan leading by example even before the match got under way, flogging off a carton load of Nike socks at below market price, that from the untrained eye appeared to have fallen from the back of a van and conveniently into Alan's possession. In Melbourne for the promotional match against Melbourne Victory, but missed by all media circles covering their Australian visit, Italian club-giant Juventus secretly paid a visit to PA United and gave an invaluable pep-talk on all things football, including the subtle art of match-fixing. Their words of wisdom inspired some players of PA United in this round's match into conjuring yet more extraordinary and unconventional ways to concede goals.

Squad: Murali, Ian, Ken, Henri, Alan (c), Richard, Brian, Nhat, Mark (gk), Lux, Jin, Justin (gk), Leon, Alister

PA United conceded a corner on the very first passage of play following the opening kick-off. Our well-devised plan to defend stoutly for the first quarter of the match was immediately thrown out the window, as PA United failed to clear the corner and conceded a goal in the opening minute of play. An opponent rose unopposed inside the penalty box to head the ball without much power and trajectory towards goal. Unfortunately, Alan mistimed has goal-line clearance which ended up being a fresh-air swing allowing the ball to gently bounce its way into the back of the net. Redemption for Alan was only minutes away, as a near-identical situation occurred several plays later, but this time with less time to react, Alan kept his legs locked together to get at least some part of his body on the ball to save a certain goal. After the opening minutes of total chaos, PA United eventually settled and began to take charge of the match midway into the first half, culminating in scoring the equaliser through a majestic passage of play. An perfectly weighted long range cross from the right flank by Ken cut a swathe through our opponent's defence and found Richard free near the far post, who was also perfectly positioned to head the ball with full power and precision into the top right corner of the goal. PA United's silkier skills were clearly evident, and minutes later came close to taking the lead, with Henri finding space inside the penalty box to lay a strike that unluckily deflected off the right goal post. Unfortunately, all of PA United's hard-earned efforts to get back into the match unravelled in an instant from a calamitous blunder by Justin, as he misjudged a limp long range ball from an opponent that was neither a cross or a shot, yet somehow lobbed its way over Justin into the back of the net allowing our opponents to steal the lead heading into half-time.

After taking the entire first half of the match to evade the long arm of the law, Ian arrived at the ground during half time sporting a new pair of football boots, still with the security tag intact on the bootlaces. With fresh legs in Ian and our new recruit Alastair, PA United were quietly confident of pinching an equaliser in the second half. PA United came extremely close to doing so early in the second-half, after a superbly executed free-kick by Ken from way outside the 18-yard-box breezed over our opponent's wall leaving the goalkeeper for dead, but unfortunately the ball nicked and skimmed over the crossbar. Ken had hit a purple patch, and during the course of the match was ordained as PA United's designated dead-ball specialist. Another long range free-kick attempt by Ken on the other side of the ground late in the second half forced the goalkeeper into making a great save to keep the swerving ball away from dipping in to goal. Despite our total dominance in the second half, PA United frustratingly could not muster an equaliser, and in the end, we were guilty of not taking our opportunities when presented to us and were sentenced to another week near the doldrums of the Friendly Football League Division 2 (out of 2) ladder.

FULL TIME: 1-2
Half time: 1-2
Goals: Richard
Yellow Cards: Alister

5 - Richard
1 - Henri, Siwei

With the weekend off to savour the only good reason why Australia should still retain a monarchy as our head-of-state (apologies Richard), PA United were coming off the bye from the previous round, expecting to be refreshed, rejuvenated, and re-energised after our break. Unfortunately, in our return match, PA United were instead quite lacklustre, lethargic, lackadaisical, lead-footed, and ultimately, losers...

Squad: Adam, Murali, Daniel, Rowan, Ken, Henri, Alan (c), Richard, Brian, Nhat, Lux, Jin, Hai, Justin (gk), Alister

Our performance in the first half was atrocious, riddled with errors, indecision and costly turnovers particularly in defence. The rot started after we conceded an easy goal within the first three minutes of play. PA United were soon 2-nil down after an opponent nonchalantly strolled through the midfield unchallenged, had enough time to stop and smell the roses, then launched a stunning long-range strike that sailed through the air into the top right corner of the goal. Our opponents made sure in emphatic fashion that the previous long-range strike wasn't just a lucky fluke, as Justin was beaten again soon after from a long-range free kick that rocketed into the same corner of the goal. "Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice." PA United momentarily had a chance to stem the haemorrhaging during one of our fleeting moments in attack in the first half, as we were awarded a penalty after an opponent was judged to have handled the ball inside his own penalty box. Unfortunately, Richard's spot-kick conversion flew over the crossbar towards the right post. The ball did end up landing behind the goal, but was nestled in shrubs rather than in the back of the goal netting. More turnovers combined with less-than-convincing goalkeeping more or less snuffed out any hope of PA United staging a remarkable comeback, as we conceded a further two more goals towards the end of a disastrous first half that couldn't have come to a close soon enough.

PA United were clearly still in a shell-shocked state early in the second half, as our defence was caught napping again, unable to contain a quick break in midfield that allowed an opponent to dribble half the length of the ground and comfortably slot through another goal just minutes after the restart. The ultimate insult to PA United came when the opposition goalkeeper arrogantly swaggered up the ground to our half of the pitch and contested a corner. Finally, albeit midway into the second half, PA United woke up from our coma, drew the proverbial line in the sand (or mud in the case of Ashwood Reserve), and began to at last play something resembling football. It was heartening to see PA United battle on right to the end regardless of the score-line, and we were determined to salvage at least something from the match. Our endeavours late in the second half were finally rewarded, as Henri slotted a brilliant goal from a curling free kick on a tight angle along the left flank. After being totally humbled in a match we'd like to quickly forget, it is comforting to know that in football, there's always next week to look forward to.

FULL TIME: 1-6
Half time: 0-5
Goals: Henri

5 - Richard
2 - Henri
1 – Siwei

As the season approached the half-way mark, it was an appropriate time to purge our misguided feelings of self-pity from being cheated and robbed of victory in a handful of matches, and to finally let go of the seemingly many injustices inflicted on our club - some caused from dubious refereeing interpretations, but in reality, most were from our own wrongdoings. As our opponents this round found out, hell hath no fury than a jilted team scorned and on the rebound after being on the receiving end of a shattering loss in the previous round.

Squad: Adam, Murali, Daniel, Ken, Henri, Alan (c), Nhat, Mark (gk), Lux, Justin, Yi, Alister

For the first time in recent memory, PA United did not concede the opening goal in the first few minutes of the match. This augured well for the rest of the match, and PA United drew great confidence from this rarity. With the match evenly poised midway into the first half, the deadlock was broken through some brilliant interplay between Nhat and Yi along the central corridor, allowing Henri to time his run from the left flank to perfection. Without breaking his stride, Henri received a superb pass into the penalty box, and finished off an excellent passage of play with a clinical strike. Sitting comfortably on a 1-nil lead heading into half-time, the only thing that seemed to threaten our lead didn't come from our opponents, but instead through our own complacency and self-implosion. Adam flirted with danger deep inside our penalty box trying to play the ball out of defence, but in the end, his opponent wrestled the ball away from him only metres in front of our goal. Without hesitation, Adam made the ultimate sacrifice, lunging to divert the ball away to safety, but in the process, re-aggravated an injury that forced him off the ground for the rest of the match. Adam's self-less, yet untimely exit caused a re-shuffle in defence, with Justin (previously content on his lonesome warming the bench) slotting in to fill the hole in defence. Despite creating great chances to extend our lead, including a strike from Alister that forced the opposing goalkeeper into making a good, ground-level save, PA United's composure started to wane and our passions threatened to spill over onto the field. The half-time whistle came just at the right time for PA United to re-focus and channel our pent-up emotions to a more useful cause of protecting our lead that we created as a team united, not divided.

In the second half, PA United's injury toll climbed, and without any substitutes to replace the walking wounded, we were forced to play with only 10 men for brief periods. With Nhat and Daniel playing on bravely despite copping injuries in the second half, PA United had no alternative but revert to preservation mode, with our persevering South Korean counterparts continuing to press for the equaliser. Through sheer will, desire and a little bit of lady luck, PA United desperately clung on to their lead - a marvellously struck header from an opponent came extremely close by cannoning onto the crossbar, and numerous scrambles inside our penalty box ended up with the ball being cleared near the goal-line - somehow we managed to repel every attack that our opponents threw at us. In the end, sometimes the least attractive style of play turns out to be the most effective, and at the end of the day, PA United scored the only goal of the match, and went home picking up the full 3 points on offer.

FULL TIME: 1-0
Half time: 1-0
Goals: Henri

Our hunger for a long overdue victory was only surpassed by our hunger for Alan's post-match sausage sizzle, and perhaps our spirited victory this round proved that PA United would subconsciously perform better if Alan held a barbeque after every single match. The sausages we had from the barbeque could aptly describe our much-improved team performance and hard-fought victory: slightly underdone, yet very fulfilling and satisfying.

5 - Richard
3 - Henri
1 - Siwei

In a (rare) wise decision by the Friendly Football League hierarchy, to kick-off the second half of the season, we relocated our playing ground from the mud pit we had become accustomed to, and shifted the goal posts to the pristine pastures of the adjacent field, where the grass was definitely greener on this side of Ashwood Reserve. Coming off a morale-boosting victory last round, PA United once again assumed the underdog tag for this round's clash against the undefeated league leaders, Odyssey, a.k.a. PA United's nemesis (or the team we love to hate).

Squad: Adam, Daniel, Rowan, Ian, Ken, Henri, Alan (c), Brian, Nhat, Mark (gk), Lux, Jin, Justin, Yi, Alister

In the first phase of the match, PA United absorbed the intense pressure applied by Odyssey, with Jin providing a solid presence in defence playing the sweeper role, calmly mopping up several potentially dangerous attacking plays from our opponents with great conviction. With the match played mainly in our defensive half, opportunities for PA United on the counterattack were limited, but when a chance eventually arose, we were ready to fully capitalise on the moment. Ken seized on a loose ball in midfield, and with great striker's instinct, sensed the goalkeeper was too far off his line and superbly lobbed the ball over the goalkeeper and into the back of the net. Conceding the opening goal ruffled the feathers of our opponents, and towards the end of the first half, Alan was involved in an ugly clash of heads, causing him to bite off a large chunk of his lower lip. With the tempers of players from both teams on the verge of boiling over, several players also had to bite their tongues to avoid an all-in melee. Despite coming off second best, Alan as well as the perpetrator, each received a caution in the aftermath of the incident.

In the second half, PA United enjoyed a period of dominance and were unlucky not to have scored a second goal when Rowan fired a wonderful, curling strike from the edge of the penalty box that rattled the crossbar. PA United's impact substitute, Alister, came on the second half and gave a stellar Jekyll-and-Hyde cameo performance. After delivering an exquisite pass to set up Nhat with an open path and shot in front of goal, Alister was booked soon after for interfering with the opposing goalkeeper's attempt to kick the ball back into play, thus earning him the dubious honour of being the first PA United player to serve the mandatory one week suspension after receiving two yellow cards during the season. A late surge from Odyssey almost yielded them the equaliser, but another flawless goalkeeping display by Mark denied Odyssey of two near-certain goals, first charging off his line to thwart a shot on target, and then making a reflex save from a driving header directly in front of goal. The final whistle was greeted with an overwhelming sense of pride and achievement, as not only did we string together two wins in a row, but for the moment, we would be revered by the rest of the league as being the giant-killers of the Friendly Football League, inflicting the first defeat of the season for the league's top-of-the-ladder team.

FULL TIME: 1-0
Half time: 1-0
Goals: Ken
Yellow Cards: Alan, Alister

5 - Richard
3 - Henri
1 - Ken, Siwei

PA United were experiencing unfamiliar emotions during the build up to this round's match, as we were coming off back-to-back victories for the first time this season, and the smell of self-belief and confidence, as well as Deep Heat liniment, permeated through the air. After slaying the top-of-the-ladder team last week, there was again no room for complacency, as our opponents this round were the second-on-the-ladder team, Clube.

Squad: Murali, Rowan, Ian, Ken, Henri, Alan (c), Brian, Nhat, Mark (gk), Lux, Jin, Justin

After word had filtered through to the rest of the league that we ruthlessly conquered the previously undefeated league leaders last round, reducing them to a squabbling bunch of cry-babies (ok, so perhaps my recollections of last round may have been a bit altered), Clube dutifully paid PA United respect and began the match cautiously. The first half turned out to be a dour struggle, with opportunities for both sides in attack quickly curtailed by their respective opponent's solid defences. The best chance in the first half from either side came from a corner kick by PA United, where Henri rose unopposed above everyone else in front of goal and headed the ball just narrowly over the crossbar.

The match was brought to life in the second half, with Clube breaking the stalemate only minutes after the restart of play. Clube opportunistically seized on a momentary lapse in PA United's defence, where an opponent was allowed enough freedom to dribble the ball unchallenged into the penalty box, and finish off a great solo run with a neatly struck goal from a wide angle. PA United almost went 2-nil down moments later, but thankfully Mark was alert as ever and kept us in the match with a brilliant save, after the ball was powerfully struck from an opponent and took a wicked deflection off Brian's arm. With time running out, PA United's intensity lifted in search of an equaliser, and our endeavours were rewarded with a contentious penalty that went in our favour, after the referee had plucked out an infringement by Clube inside their penalty box. Henri stepped up to the spot, and calmly converted the penalty kick, sending the goalkeeper the wrong way. In the closing stages of the match, PA United sensed an opportunity to grab all the points from the match, as Clube's tight hold on the match was beginning to unravel. However, in the end, as the final whistle blew, we were content with a draw, but were even more satisfied with our undefeated streak now extending to three matches!

FULL TIME: 1-1
Half time: 0-0
Goals: Henri

5 - Richard
4 - Henri
1 - Ken, Siwei

Four on the trot … PA United moved into uncharted territory this week, venturing out of the relegation zone with determination. On a cold, blustery afternoon, ten brave battlers stepped out to preserve our enviable recent record against teams higher up on the ladder. We sorely missed the man who forgot he had a wedding and the one with a cold; but MK Artbox decided to do us a favour and only field ten men too. I never knew Koreans had such generosity of spirit.

Squad: Daniel, Rowan, Ken, Henri, Alan (c), Richard, Brian, Nhat, Mark (gk), Leon

Early pressure from PA United paid off with two early goals; the first an exquisite lob from Richard "All Leg" and the second, a powerful header from Ken "I'm a Giant amongst Koreans". However, the height deficit in our centre-back pairing of Nhat and Alan forced Leon into his
best impression of Mark. When an errant ball found its way past Alan, Leon tapped the ball down with a resounding palm slap. The ensuing penalty was tucked away by MK Artbox's Beanie-Wearing Midget Striker.

During the second half, chances were not converted by our makeshift strike-force and we were forced to cling onto a slender lead. Safe, organised play from the team as a whole saw PA United grind out another telling result.

FULL TIME: 2-1
Half time: 2-1
Goals: Ken, Richard

P.S.: I maintain that I was very onside for my disallowed goal. Richard’s long legs obscured the linesman's line of sight.

6 - Richard
4 - Henri
2 - Ken
1 - Siwei

PA United were involved in two miracles last week: firstly, extracting every ounce of energy we had in pulling off an outstanding victory with only ten men on the field; and secondly, continuing our mid-season resurrection and stretching our undefeated streak to four matches. Inspired by last round's heroics, most of the PA United squad heeded the call and made the pilgrimage to Ashwood Reserve, hoping that the football gods would keep being kind to us, who transformed us from early season sinners into saints by mid-season.

Squad: Murali, Daniel, Rowan, Ken, Henri, Alan (c), Richard, Brian, Nhat, Mark (gk), Jin, Hai, Justin, Leon, Ben, Alister

In the first half, PA United were blessed with the majority of possession and we stretched our opponents to their limit. Only some fine saves from the goalkeeper denied us from taking a well-deserved lead in the first half. Some great chances to score in the first half included: a strong header from Jin rising to meet a corner, a testing strike from Ken on target aiming towards the left apex of goal, and a lunging strike by Alan meeting the ball on the volley.

PA United continued to enjoy the bulk of possession early in the second half, but still had no reward to show for our effort, and after Rowan's floating strike struck the crossbar, it seemed that the match was destined for a frustrating nil-nil draw. However, the match was brought to life when a Henri took a free kick from outside the penalty box. Henri's perfectly-weighted strike caught our opponent's goalkeeper off-guard, causing him to misjudge the flight of the ball and flay his arms in a last-ditch save, but his outstretched hands only helped to palm the ball into the back of the net. With a precious goal in hand, PA United sought to protect their lead in the closing stages of the match, but instead, we offered our opponents every chance to snatch a late equaliser through some hesitation and jitters creeping in to our previously solid defence. However, two telling moments of human sacrifice late in the match ensured PA United secured all the points from the match. Firstly, Brian stood his ground mid-pitch to intercept a long ball, but in the process, copped a knee from an opponent to his groin, leaving him writhing on the ground grimacing in pain (and just like an altar boy, Brian was squealing a few octaves higher and had his genitals touched up). Finally, in what was the last forward thrust by VSA, Mark soared high into the heavens to meet a speculative long cross into the penalty box, and took a huge "speccy" on an opponent, but also equally as spectacular crash-landed head first to the ground, dazed and bruised. After serving our penance early in the season, PA United's patience, perseverance and self-belief is now paying off in spades, having now strung together an undefeated streak of five matches!

FULL TIME: 1-0
Half time: 0-0
Goals: Henri

6 - Richard
5 - Henri
2 - Ken
1 – Siwei

Persistent heavy rain over the weekend resulted in the ground being a more suitable venue for female naked mud wrestling than for a game of soccer. Ugly football was the order of the day, and by the match's end, some players were barely recognisable after being covered in a thick layer of mud. A nightmare to wash off the stubborn stains from our white shorts and socks in time for our next match, however being smothered in nutrient-rich, organic matter at least ensured our skin would be moisturised and remain supple for years to come...

Squad: Daniel, Ken, Henri, Alan (c), Richard, Brian, Nhat, Mark (gk), Jin, Hai, Justin, Leon, Yi, Ben, Alister

PA United controlled possession during the early phase of the match, however it did not amount to much as we quickly found out that the atrocious playing conditions were not very conducive to our passing style of football. Promising attacking forays were constantly being thwarted by the ball rolling in the centre mud bath, then coming to a complete standstill. Against the run of play, HMB scored the opening goal through the most unlikeliest of sources (i.e. a total fluke), after a high, defensive clearance from HMB in the centre of the pitch had enough trajectory to land in the awkward area-of-uncertainty just behind our defenders but slightly in front of Mark. The ball bounced over everyone, and combined with the greasy conditions, nothing could be done except helplessly watch the ball travel into the back of the net. PA United toiled hard for the rest of the match, and deserved to be on level terms at half-time, but were denied by a great save from the opposition goalkeeper who tipped out a curling free kick brilliantly taken by Henri.

With the playing surface deteriorating with every passage of play, the shocking conditions contributed to uninspired and frustrating football in the second half. However, unsporting gamesmanship from our opponents also added to our frustrations, as the slightest contact made by us on an opponent always resulted in an over-exaggerated dive, followed by a roll along the ground in apparent agony, then a customary defending-your-fallen-mate's-honour scuffle, and finally the miraculous full recovery and playing on uninjured for the rest of the match. Unfortunately, the referee fell for the Academy Award performances, and in addition to Brian’s caution in the first half, yellow cards were also dished out to Henri and Alan, resulting in Alan being suspended for our next match. PA United unluckily conceded two late goals, one from a strike that took a deflection off Daniel, and the other as a result from an uncalled offside pass, the final insult that overall rounded off a dirty match for PA United for more than one reason.

FULL TIME: 0-3
Half time: 0-1
Goals: (a good team effort)
Yellow Cards: Alan, Brian, Henri

Unfortunately, we couldn't get up to win for Daniel in his (possibly) last match for PA United, who announced his semi-retirement and waved goodbye to suburban amateur football, then said hello to the glitz and glamour of Sin City. One of the original founding members of PA United, Daniel was a great servant to the club and his services will be sorely missed.

6 - Richard
5 - Henri
2 - Ken
1 - Siwei

In a show of support to our striking colleagues at Fairfax Media, this round's newsletter has been affected by industrial action.

Squad: Rowan, Ian, Ken, Henri, Alan (c), Richard, Brian, Nhat, Mark (gk), Lux, Leon, Yi, Alister

Amidst the chaos of organising a suitable venue to play out the remaining matches of the season, the league officials overlooked Alan’s one-match suspension, and thus in exposing a loophole, he was able to serve his suspension during the bye.

After a review by the IOC and BOCOG, this match review has been censored. There will be no further comment on this matter...

FULL TIME: 1-2
Half time: 0-0
Goals: "own goal"

6 - Richard
5 - Henri
2 - Ken
1 - Siwei, "own goal"

After being homeless for most of last month, the Friendly Football League finally settled on a new (temporary) home ground to showcase the beauty of the round ball code... the lush, green pastures of South Oakleigh Secondary College, a multipurpose venue complete with a synthetic cricket pitch along the centre of the field and AFL goal posts on both sides of the oval.

Squad: Murali, Rowan, Ian, Ken, Alan (c), Richard, Brian, Mark (gk), Lux, Jin, Justin, Leon, Alister

In the second half, PA United continued to bombard our opponent's goal front, and it seemed inevitable that the floodgates would open in the scoreboard department, but instead the deluge came in the form of a downpour of rain that bucketed down onto the pitch. With the playing conditions beginning to deteriorate, and each squandered chance in front of goal becoming more costly as time elapsed, PA United grew increasingly frustrated at our inability to break the deadlock. However, PA United's determination and focus in scoring the opening goal never wavered, except for Ian, who had other thoughts of "scoring" on his mind, with the attractive No. 8 being his main focus during the match. Perhaps that contributed to Ian's yellow card being waved to him after he fell head over heels, and collected the ball with his flailing arms as stumbled down to the ground.

FULL TIME: 2-0
Half time: 0-0
Goals: Ken, Richard
Yellow Cards: Ian, Murali

7 - Richard
5 - Henri
3 - Ken
1 - Siwei, "own goal"

PA United returned to Ashwood Reserve oozing with confidence, after a last gasp victory against wooden spoon favourites, Syndal Spurs last round. The remarkably picturesque view of Ashwood Reserve on a sunny afternoon was quite a contrast from our last outing over six weeks ago, where the only thing oozing was from the mud lodged between places where the sun doesn't shine on.

Squad: Murali, Rowan, Ian, Ken, Alan (c), Richard, Brian, Nhat, Mark (gk), Jin, Justin, Leon, Yi

After a lacklustre start from both sides, a brief lapse in concentration early in the first half allowed our opponents the chance to take the lead, which they did with clinical effect. A swift passage of play from our opponents momentarily exposed our defence, and a great pass threaded by an opponent midfielder into our penalty box isolated their striker up front, who calmly slotted the ball into the right corner for the opening goal. With a precious goal in their keeping, our opponents were content to sit on their lead, leading to a rather uninspiring contest for the remainder of the half. Bewildering refereeing decisions have plagued PA United throughout this season, and in the final minute of the first half, another controversial decision went against us, when Alan was clipped by the arms of the opposing goalkeeper inside the penalty box. Instead of a regulation penalty being awarded to us, the referee adjudicated that an indirect free kick inside the penalty box was the appropriate decision. The resulting free kick was easily cleared by our opponents, who undoubtedly breathed a huge sigh of relief after being lucky to be still in front at half time.

PA United poured on the pressure in the second half, desperately trying to score the equaliser we so richly deserved. Sensing our increased intensity on the ball, our opponents frustratingly resorted to time-wasting tactics and making late, cynical tackles to stifle our challenge. Bold attacking plays from PA United in the second half firmly planted our opponents on their back feet, however some questionable gamesmanship combined with a well-organised defence from our opponents were just effective enough to keep a fast finishing PA United scoreless in the second half.

FULL TIME: 0-1
Half time: 0-1
Goals: (a good team effort)

7 - Richard
5 - Henri
3 - Ken
1 - Siwei, "own goal"

In yet another league fiasco, on the final day of our league campaign, PA United were scheduled to play two matches on the same day at South Oakleigh. Firmly nestled in the lower half of the ladder, but comfortably safe from the wooden spoon, there was only really pride to play for in our final matches. However, it seemed that PA United had begun their "Mad Monday" a day early, with only eight and nine players available for the first and second matches respectively.

Squad: Rowan, Ken, Henri (gk), Alan (c), Lux, Jin, Justin, Leon

PA United faced an uphill struggle just to be competitive, with a 4-3-0 formation and our makeshift goalkeeper Henri, hobbling around on only one good foot. Given our predicament, PA United had no choice but to play ultra-defensive football, and for nearly an hour our compact defence held firm and suffocated our opponents, frustrating them into making unrealistic long-range strikes at goal. After playing out of our skins as a well-disciplined unit that was greater than the sum of its individual parts, PA United were bitterly unlucky to concede a late goal, after a deflected free-kick was tapped into goal by a fortuitous opponent, who was at the right place at the right time. It was a cruel finish to what otherwise was a proud moment for PA United, where in typical PA United never-say-die fashion, we almost pulled off a remarkable result.

FULL TIME: 0-1
Half time: 0-0
Goals: (a superb team effort)
Yellow Cards: Ken

Squad: Murali, Rowan, Henri (gk), Richard, Lux, Jin (c), Justin, Leon, Alister

A few hours later, PA United backed-up for their second match of the day, but this time we had the luxury of fielding one additional player than in our earlier match. Such freedom proved crucial early in the match, as Richard and Alister were able to combine well in attack. Expecting this match to be a walkover, our opponents ventured forward with too much gay abandon and defended too high up their own half of the field early in the first half. Richard created golden opportunities for PA United to take an unlikely lead, with his extra pace out-sprinting our opponents' defenders, leaving him one out with the goalkeeper on two occasions. Richard squandered his first chance, kicking the ball directly towards the goalkeeper, however minutes later, in an arguably more difficult shot under more pressure, struck truly for a priceless goal.

Conserving as much energy as we could, PA United virtually played all out defence in the second half. As the match progressed, it seemed that we were destined for an unbelievable victory, as our opponents continued to bombard our goal but to no avail - having had shots at goal that struck the post twice, a miss from only metres out at an unguarded goal, and Henri making incredible last ditch saves. Unfortunately, we began to tire as the second half wore on, and we also lost our composure with some back-chatting drawing the ire of the referee. East Crusader were given a helping hand in their attempt to avoid a humiliating defeat, after PA United were reduced even further to just eight men when Alister was given his marching orders by the referee for a late tackle and second bookable offence. Unfortunately, our opponents finally managed to scrape and salvage a face-saving equaliser inside the final ten minutes of the match, after a viciously swerving kick taken from a short corner floated centimetres inside the far post. At the final whistle, PA United were too exhausted to feel any disappointment at giving up our lead at the death, with a draw under extreme adversity feeling just as good as a victory.

FULL TIME: 1-1
Half time: 1-0
Goals: Richard
Yellow Cards: Leon, Murali
Red Cards: Alister

8 - Richard
5 - Henri
3 - Ken
1 - Siwei, "own goal"