Musketeer swashes none and buckles little
By Justin Hand

	What comes to mind when you think of musketeer? Fun loving Frenchmen who battled through high adventure in order to save the king? Masters of the sword and witty side-comment during brawls? If these were anywhere near to what you were thinking then you must not have seen the most recent film adaptation of the classic story of the Three Musketeers.
	To sum it up for those of you who don’t know the story, it is as follows: Musketeers good, Cardinal Richelieu bad. In no way, even in jest would I ever recommend this movie to anyone with a pulse. Director Peter Hyams has somehow found new technology to literally make everything in this film horrid. To get to the bottom of this we must painstakingly pick apart every aspect of the film and understand exactly where it went wrong.
	First, the talent (or lack thereof). Our main character is played by living piece of eye-candy, Justin Chambers. This young gent looks like Leonardo DiCaprio’s stunt double providing almost the same hunky effect for only a fraction of the price. To quote one amateur movie reviewer, "This guy has got to be the luckiest Gap clerk alive". His acting was so forced and horrible it was reminiscent of Starship Troopers, a film that we can actually draw many parallels to (good looking cast, terrible acting, special effects to distract from the lack of substance, etc.). Opposite Chambers is up-and-coming actress Mena Suvari (American Pie, American Beauty, American Virgins). She plays a mousy, young maid who eventually turns into a helpless yet bulletproof, mousy, young maid. At one point in the movie she actually takes a bullet for the queen and then plays dead only to inexplicably appear for the celebration at the end. Suvari brought to the screen the worst chemistry between a man and a woman since John and Lorenna Bobbit. Hell, at least the Bobbits felt SOMETHING! The last actor worth mentioning is the undeniable Tim Roth. In all seriousness, this man is a great actor and literally the only redeeming factor of this piece. I had to watch in horror as one of my favorite actors recited some of the most repulsive script in the history of the English language and just hope to myself that he was offered a lot of money. He plays the infamous and very evil Febre, Cardinal Richelieu’s henchman. In case you didn’t know he was pure evil, Febre would make sure to remind you with moments of totally unnecessary killing (even his own men) and being surrounded by only the most obvious symbolism. Walking into a room would cause candles to blow out, the mention of his name causes brave men to shudder and if this wasn’t enough, he was only allowed to wear black. Lots of very subtle symbolism.
	Now director Peter Hyams is no lightweight in the film industry either and in fact carries a degree in mind-numbing action films. He’s the director of such blockbusters as End of Days, Timecop and Sudden Death. And you know when your actors of choice are either Arnold Schwarzenegger or Jean Claude Van Damme that your movies are bound for success. Just one of the many names that got thrown around with this movie was martial arts master and fight choreographer Xin Xin Xiong. You may recognize this particular master from Double Team (yes, more Van Damme) and the foreign spectacular Shou hu fei long aka Nutty Kickbox Cops. Xiong added that very necessary element of Jackie Chan-esque fighting in a time where I think eastern influence couldn’t have been less. Just picture Jackie Chan doing his thing in a musketeer outfit. With a cast and crew of this caliber I honestly don’t know.
	I came out of the theater with indeed a new respect for the French and a greater understanding of the world. There were plenty of things that I never realized were even an issue during those revolutionary times in France. For one I never knew that all fights erupted in prop laden rooms that actually made for more interesting fights. I never knew that the musketeers aside from being the king’s personal guard were also a secret society of ninja warriors all very capable of acrobatics during combat. The most important lesson that I learned is that dialogue is only filler to get from one fight scene to the next (which erupted every 10 minutes on the minute). Thanks for the history lesson Mr. Hyams. Look, if anything in this movie review struck you as even a little absurd or off-kilter, then my work here is done. There was nothing ‘real‘ or even entertaining about this movie if one could venture so far as to call it a movie. The point is, this movie made absolutely very little sense and probably is the worst remake of a classic story. When you think musketeers you should think fun, swashbuckling adventures and happy drunken French persons. This film really made me contemplate what the person down in the front row was wearing or what the odd smell was coming from behind me. Which reminds me of my favorite part of the movie in which the music got real quiet and one audience member made a very loud snoring noise to remind us all that the movie was boring. Thanks whoever you are. If you’re looking for entertainment, seek it elsewhere. Do yourself a favor and read the book, or another book, or the back of a cereal box. Heck, this makes the Charlie Sheen version of the Three Musketeers look like gold. Please do everything in your power to stay away from The Musketeer, I fear not only for the future of cinema but the future of our way of life as a whole.