| Three Simple Words //I�m getting married next month. But not with him. Not with the passionate voice, the hazel hair, the piercing, soulful blue eyes I�ve come to know as well as my own, to love more than my own. Not with the kisses, the touches, the flirting, the looks, that only he can give me. Not with the one thing that I have come to treasure and cherish more dearly than my own life. Not with the one person who is my everything. Not with the man I love. Not with my Josh. God, how can this be happening? And� he doesn�t even know yet.// Lance slammed his journal shut, his head throbbing. How was he going to break the news to JC? It was impossible. The mere thought of doing it made the bile rise at the back of Lance�s throat. He pressed his fingers against his temple, sighing wearily. He was so caught up in his own thoughts that he jumped when a set of hands pressed gently down on his shoulders. �Oh god!� Lance relaxed when he saw who it was, then tensed up again. �Jace, you scared me!� JC smiled apologetically, his long fingers � his gift from god, Lance often said � working methodically, tenderly, at releasing the tense knots in the other�s body. The blond let out a soft groan as the tension left his body and he slumped down in his chair, head rolling backward as JC continued working on his neck and shoulders, before moving down to his arms and back. When Lance was finally completely relaxed, JC scooped the younger man into his arms, depositing him gently onto the bed, pulling the covers up around him. He pressed a soft kiss to the green-eyed youth�s temple, and slipped into the toilet to take a quick bath after his tiring day at the studio. Have to� tell him� Lance managed to think, his brain becoming fuzzy with sleep. Laura� marry� can�t� love� tell� lie� When JC exited the toilet and climbed into bed beside Lance, a slow sad smile spread across his face as he realized the exhausted man was already sleeping. �I love you, Lance,� the brunette whispered softly, pressing a kiss to Lance�s lips. It was one of the rare times he spoke, and yet he did it without fail every night, allowing himself to indulge in the one pleasure Lance never gave him. Whispering the words, I love you. ~ Flashback ~ Two pairs of lips moulded together passionately, longingly, and their hands clung at each other as they kissed. �I love you, Lance,� JC mumbled against Lance�s lips and he immediately knew he had done the wrong thing. Lance froze and turned away, wiping his mouth viciously. �I� I�m sorry,� JC said quickly, trying to cover his slip-up. �I didn�t� I wasn�t thinking straight. I just-� �S�okay,� Lance said quietly, brushing a sweaty strand of hair off the older man�s forehead and pressing a soft kiss there. �I know you didn�t mean it.� The brunette managed a smile and didn�t reply. Lance walked toward his computer and JC�s hands dropped dejectedly to his side. �I do mean it!� He screamed in his head. �If only you knew how much,� he whispered to himself, watching Lance, wishing he would say the same words back. Wishing, hoping, praying� and knowing better. ~ End Flashback ~ JC never wondered if Lance loved him anymore. He didn�t even hope. He had accepted a long time ago that they were at a place comfortable enough not to be mentioned. He didn�t know if they were just fuck buddies, or if he was only a warm body to cuddle up to at night, or if Lance was just lonely, or if he was really loved by Lance the way he loved Lance. He had given up wondering. JC ignored the stab of white hot pain and closed his tear-filled eyes, wanting desperately for sleep to come. But it was a long time before he fell asleep, and all the while the sound of Lance�s even, calm breathing only seemed to add to the ache in his heart. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lance awoke the next morning with a smile on his face, remembering that JC had carried him to bed the night before. But the smile soon left his handsome features when he recalled the shattering news he would soon have to break to his bandmate. Feeling JC shift beside him, the blond sprung out of bed, quick, soft and alert, his eyes searching JC�s figure for any sign of waking. With a sigh of relief when there were none, Lance headed into the bathroom before going down to the caf� for some breakfast. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The guys were already there, waiting for him and JC. They smiled, greeting Lance with sly winks. �Long night?� They asked, and laughed when Lance just shrugged them off with a roll of his eyes. The four began talking while they waited for JC. In a few minutes, Lance heard Justin sigh and shake his head, but didn�t think much of it. Fifteen minutes later, JC sauntered over, a smile on his face. He greeted the guys with a nod and settled down on his seat with the morning paper as the others went to get their food. It was a morning custom for them to wait for one another, one they couldn�t seem to shake. Later on, as JC was sipping his coffee, he stole a glance at Lance, smiling at the dab of whipped cream at the side of his� bandmate�s mouth. He fought down the urge to lick it off � Lance didn�t like JC being affectionate unless they were alone, even in front of their brothers he wasn�t comfortable � and turned back to his paper, which was when Justin sighed for the second time. Chris wondered, vaguely, why Lance seemed to be so cold, so aloof, this morning, especially to JC. There was a worried, distant look on the blond�s face and he hadn�t spoken more than two words to JC that morning. Something was up. And he was about to ask when� �Hey guys! Hey sweetie!� There was a second of shocked silence as the guys processed the information that Laura was there. Lance stiffened before relaxing and standing up to hug Laura. �Hey baby.� JC cringed, unconsciously clenching his fists. In all the time they had been together � which had been a while now � Lance had never once used that term of endearment. It was always JC, Jace. Sometimes Josh. Those were the times JC lived for. The way his name rolled off Lance�s tongue sent shivers down his spine and he would always blush. Those times Justin seemed to sigh a lot as well. JC had to turn away from the couple, staring fixedly at his coffee as he sipped it, trying to ignore the sweet nothings they were whispering to each other, when inside his stomach was churning. He swallowed hard, and forced another swallow of coffee down before putting down his cup. He couldn�t take another sip. Justin sighed once more before turning his attention back to Laura and Lance. �Have you told them yet?� Laura was asking excitedly. �No,� Lance mumbled. �I didn�t think it was a good time and�� his voice trailed off and when he looked at Laura again he knew she was going to spill it. �Laura, not yet,� he tried weakly, but it didn�t work. As usual. �Silly boy! Of course they�ll be excited!� Laura gushed as she turned back to the four men at the table. �Lance and I� have decided to get married!� Laura exclaimed happily, squeezing Lance�s hand. The guys had to fight the urge to turn to look at JC as they forced smiles and shook the new couples� hands, muttering their congratulations. JC took a deep breath as they turned to him expectantly. �Con� congratu� congra�� He found his eyes filling and he shook his head helplessly as he let out a choked sob before excusing himself and all but running out the door. Chris and Justin ran after him immediately, leaving Joey babbling with some half-assed excuse about JC�s strange behaviour. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ They found him in his room, crying hysterically into the bedsheets. He was kneeling on the floor, his face buried into the sheets, his fists clenching his hair and his body wracking painfully with his anguished sobs. The two men stood at the door, not knowing what to say, what to do, as they approached the heaving figure cautiously, placing their hands on his shoulders. He didn�t move, only continued to weep as though his heart had broken. He finally lifted his head from the bed after a seemingly small eternity and wiped his tears viciously away. �I don�t know� why I� how I could have� expected anything else,� he whispered, his voice still trembling as he stumbled over his words. He just shook his head again, mutely, not knowing what else to say. JC drew in a shuddering breath and rubbed his eyes again. They were sore and, he was sure, completely red. He looked up at the ceiling, hoping to ease the pressure tickling at the back of his eyes. I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry! He chanted in his head, refusing to let the tears fall again. �Jace,� Chris said gently, �You haven�t even heard Lance�s side of the story yet.� Justin�s eyes were dark with anger, but he managed to keep his voice steady as he backed Chris up, �Give him a chance to explain.� Both he and Chris shared a Lance-didn�t-tell-him? look before they even realized JC was speaking. His voice was so soft, so weak, that it hurt to hear it. �He never� What is there to explain?� Oh god, Chris thought suddenly, realization dawning upon him. �He�s never� he�s never told you he loves you, has he?� JC felt another wave of nausea punch him in the stomach as he shook his head, closing his eyes against the pain threatening to swallow him. �And he doesn�t let you say it to him? Or touch you around us? Or do� do couply things like hold your hand� in public?� Justin asked softly, his heart wrenching as JC shook his head again, breathing quicker as he tried to stop his tears. Oh. My. God. Lance� what have you done to him? Chris wondered as he took in the shell of the man that he once knew kneeling in front of him, still leaning weakly on the bed, as if he had no strength left in his body. Carefully, as if afraid he would break, Chris lifted the younger man with surprising ease and put him gently into bed, stroking the brunette�s head and murmuring soothing words as he tried to put the youth to sleep. Justin, however, slipped out of the room, closing the door softly behind him, going in search of Lance. When he found Lance was still in the caf�, having gotten rid of Laura, who went shopping with Joey, he marched right up to the blond and grabbed him by his collar, slamming him against the wall. �What the HELL do you think you�re doing?� Lance recovered from the shock quickly, pulling Justin out of caf� so he wouldn�t cause a scene. �Justin, listen, I never meant for it to come out that way. I was going to try to break it to him gently but Laura wouldn�t listen to me, she never does. And I couldn�t stop her. I just-� �I�ve listened, Lance,� Justin said through clenched teeth, �And I don�t give a damn what your excuse is. It�s your turn to do a little listening around here since JC never talks about it and you obviously don�t notice. Do you ever see the way he looks at you, Lance?� �Wh� what?� �Do you ever see the way he looks at you? His eyes light up whenever you enter a room, and he smiles like he�s seen all of Earth�s beauty after y�all have had sex, and every time he�s close to you, he looks like he�s about to die and go to heaven. Every damn time you pay attention to what he�s saying � which isn�t a lot among us � he starts to smile so wide I think his face is gonna crack. Every time you do something that would be NORMAL between couples, like kiss, or touch, anything, he acts as though you�ve given him heaven. Every time you even LOOK at him or SMILE at him, he always starts bouncing around like he�s drank a million coffees and has too much energy in him.� Justin paused for a breath. �Did you even notice? No? Well, what about this: every night when he gets back to the hotel later than you, he�ll open the door and stand there mesmerized by what he sees in the hotel room. It�s a good ten minutes before he even goes in and even then, I bet he still watches you before actually going into contact. Before he goes to sleep each night, he watches you sleeping. For so long. I caught him once and it was just after one, and you had gone to bed at ten, and he was still watching you, quietly, and I almost thought I saw him cry. I suppose I did.� Justin held up a hand when he saw Lance was about to speak. �I�m not FINISHED yet! You think he sleeps a lot? Well, the only reason he wakes up so late every morning is because I�m not even sure if he sleeps at all!� Justin was almost crying for his best friend, �And every morning, before he comes in for breakfast with us, he stands there WATCHING you still, watching you laugh with us and joke with us and hug us and flirt with us and I bet he thinks it�s the most beautiful thing he�s ever seen because you NEVER DO THAT WITH HIM! Not in public! Hell, I don�t even know how you treat him when we�re not around! And you know how long he stands there? God, he was standing there fifteen minutes this morning. Usually it�s longer. And you always think he�s lazy. Do you know how long he spends just STARING at you? �Do you know he tells you he loves you each night before he goes to bed? Do you know he�s embarrassed to tell us even when we catch him red-handed because he�s �not sure if you�d be happy with that�? Do you know he does all of this because he loves you so DAMN much and you don�t even see that?� Lance tried to say something but Justin stopped him. �I asked him, you know. Why he did what he was doing, because really, it�s the most pathetic thing I�ve ever seen, to see someone giving up so much for someone who might not even love them back. And you know what he said? He said it was the only time he felt safe. That he could pretend you loved him. Because he wasn�t there to hear you NOT say it. He could pretend you and him were together and you didn�t always NOT touch him or NOT say anything to him or push him away and make him feel miserable and lonely. It was because it was the only time he could say he felt that maybe there was a spark of hope you loved him back. It was because he knew if he didn�t have that spark he was going to go fucking INSANE!� Lance swallowed painfully at Justin�s words. �I didn�t. Oh god. Justin, I never knew, I swear. I didn�t� oh Jesus.� �Of course you didn�t. How could you? You killed him and you never knew.� Justin spat out and Lance recoiled, not at the venom, but at the truth of Justin�s words. �I� I have to� I need to� I have to talk to him.� �Oh no. No way Jose. No fucking way.� �Please, Justin. I need� I need to explain.� Reluctantly, Justin brought him back to their hotel room, opening the door hesitantly, before stepping inside. Chris was unsuccessfully trying to lull JC to sleep, and he smiled up at Justin worriedly, before his smile turned into a frown at the sight of Lance behind Justin�s lanky frame. �Why are you here?� The words came out harsher than he had meant. �I need to talk� to JC.� JC winced at the impersonal nickname. Chris held him tighter and refused to let go. �Oh no. No way. Justin, come on!� Justin sighed, defeated. �They need to work all this out. They do. And Lance has a lot to say.� His eyes smouldered with anger, but he pushed his fury aside as he dragged the unwilling Chris out of the room, leaving the two men to talk. JC got out of the bed quickly, his head spinning a little. He began packing his clothes and stuff into his bag and Lance watched in silence for a few seconds before asking softly, �Where are you going?� JC held back a sob as he replied unsteadily, �Laura. I�ll go. Easier.� The uncanny thing about JC and Lance was the way they could always understand each other, no matter what. And this time was no different. Lance put a hand over JC�s, and the brunette froze, swallowing painfully at the contact between himself and Lance. �Don�t go,� Lance pleaded softly, �She�s not going to be sleeping here with me. She�s got her own room.� JC shook his head, gesturing wildly at the king-sized bed, before pointing to himself, then to Lance, then back to the bed again and shaking his head wildly once more. �Can�t.� He whispered hoarsely and Lance�s heart broke at the raw emotion in JC�s tone. �I�m sorry.� JC nodded, shoving his things into his bag, his back to Lance again. Lance touched JC on the shoulder lightly, trying to ignore the fact that JC tensed at the soft stroke. �I�m sorry for hurting you, and for making you think I was using you, and for marrying Laura, and for being oblivious and�� JC just shook his head. �No, it�s not okay!� Lance burst out. �I broke your heart! It�s not okay!� JC looked down at his hands, biting hard on his lip, and exhaling shakily. �No, no, oh god, no. How could you think I could hate you, Jace? I couldn�t. Oh god, you can�t have thought�� JC just stared at the ground. �I�m sorry if I let you think that.� JC let out a soft sigh and tightened his hand around his bag before pulling swiftly, painfully, away from Lance�s touch and heading for the door. �Josh.� He froze. �I�� He took another hesitant step forward. �I�� He sighed and reached to open the door. But Lance beat him to it and slammed his back against the door. �I love you,� he blurted, wrapping his arms around JC and pulling him in for a passionate, frenzied kiss. �I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.� JC stumbled backwards from the impact of Lance. He wrapped his arms around his blond love� and pushed him gently away. He shook his head, his eyes conveying all that needed to be said. His head still reeled from the impact of Lance�s words, but right now� he had no more tears left to cry. �I know. I know I�m marrying Laura, but oh god, don�t you understand, Josh? I don�t love her! I don�t love her the way I love you! Please, please tell me you understand.� JC shook his head sadly. �Why? Why don�t you understand?� Lance took in a deep breath. �I�m marrying her because my mom promised her mom that if they ever had children, they would marry. And Stacey already had Ford so I�m the only one left. And I can�t say no to my mom. You know me. Josh, please.� JC smiled sadly, his eyes falling back to the carpet as he scratched the back of his neck nervously. �Chose.� �I know! I know you think I chose my mom over you but it�s not like that! Josh, you can move on, you can find someone better. Please. Can�t you see that?� �I see� I see that I love you. That you say you love me. But you don�t.� �What? Of course I do! I love you, so much. More than I�ve ever shown. But I couldn�t show it. I didn�t want� to admit that I was in love with you. I couldn�t go against my mom. But I did. Because I love you. I�m gay, or at least bi, and that�s already going against my mom�s beliefs. I can�t stay with you, Josh. I can�t.� �That�s why I�m leaving,� JC said softly, managing a painful smile. �I know.� Lance shook his head. �Please. Please.� �I can�t.� JC looked over at the connected bed. �You and Laura� you will� and I can�t� not anymore. You are going to marry her... you are going to� with her. And I can�t anymore with you. I will see you and her� in my head. I can�t.� �No. Not sex, Josh. Just stay. I just� please.� �I can�t. You and me. Two different worlds now. Don�t touch me. Because I'll want more. And I can�t. I won�t take more.� JC shook his head and wrapped his arms protectively around himself as Lance took a step toward him. �Please no.� Lance stepped aside from the door, tears in his beautiful green orbs. �I can�t make you stay. I know that. It would be wrong� and selfish. But I want you to. Because I�m a horrible, selfish person.� JC opened the door, casting Lance a loving, apologetic look. Lance twisted the engagement ring on his finger, wanting to kill himself, wanting something to help the pain, and he wondered how JC had pulled himself through, through it all, when this was already hard enough. �I love you Josh,� the blond finally whispered. JC stopped, letting the words wash over him like a sutra, relieving and calming. Loving. Tender. He turned back and gave Lance one last, longing look, mixed with sadness. �I love you, too,� he whispered back. And he was gone. And Lance knew, somehow, that unless necessary, the brunette would never speak again. But JC would remember. And the three haunting words that JC said would always play in Lance�s own mind. Those three simple words. I love you. End. |